end of a 9-year love

[folledeschiele]

I'm wild with grief. My partner of 9 years left me this morning. As some may remember, we went through a big crisis last year, and had both agreed a new leaf was turned. But after coming back from another business trip, she acted strangely, and I felt a pit in my stomach, instinctively, like something was looming. I fell back into my old (and stupid! stupid!) routine of asking her for more attention, recriminating her for not being around enough, and demanding that she tell me whether she still loved me. So this morning she said the relationship was no longer working and the feelings just weren't there, factually, sadly, not in anger. Then she left. No word from her since.

I'm beyond devastated, because I really thought we were going to make it, and before this business trip everything "seemed" good. And I feel like it's my fault. Plus the YI seemed to affirm this: when I drew the YI meditating on how heartbroken I feel, I received hexagram 56 twice: once with the second line which speaks of losing one's servant because of carelessness, and once with the 6th line changing (burning up the nest and losing one's cow). So I drove her away...but how can a relationship like ours prove so vaporous and fragile?

Then I asked if there's anyway at all to salvage this, though I'm weary by now and feel I need to break out of this cycle of hope and heartbreak. I drew 35 unchanging (Progress). Have no idea what this could mean, and in any case I've decided hoping would be foolish at this point; she made it crystal clear that she's no longer in love with me.

Finally asked the YI what I need to do going forward, as I can only live moment to moment right now: totally paralyzed and don't even know what to do. received 45, gathering together, lines 3, 5 and 6, changing to 56, once again (this showed up three times in one set of readings!)

I find it so cruel and senseless, to have regained closeness and what I thought was mutual love, and then have it disentegrate like this. Maybe I did nag her too much. Maybe I was unbearable. But we have a 9-year history. I can't grasp what could make her want to throw that away.

Thank you for listening...this is the darkest night I've had in a very long time. Very glad I found this community.

 

[em ching]

I'm sorry that you've been stricken like this. But I think the recurring 56 says that you should hold your head up and give in to being on your own for a while. Peaks and troughs - live through the pain or try to detach from it, because that's what life demands. Kipling comes to mind here : "If you can keep your head, when all around you are losing theirs...."

Remember that tomorrow is another day and you will feel better - I'm sure you don't need/ want to hear that age old adage 'time heals' but it is true.. and everything is cyclical - good times, balanced (unfortunately) by bad... though sometimes it does seem like they don't fairly balance each other out...

So I think you shouldn't make any drastic moves or force communication for a while - be the wanderer ie. learn from different people and places - take advantage of this freedom from her to discover more perhaps about the world and yourself. I know it's hard but if you can try to make the separation positive for now, then maybe that's what the times demand... all part of life's rich tapestry...

I think hex 35 says there is hope - but the foundations have to be laid strongly and thus built cautiously this time - so I think it says it's going to take time and effort - but at the end you could rebuild something more worthy - perhaps from stronger material this time - if you get the metaphor.

But for the time being, I'd say just assume the role of the wanderer, however un-fulfilling that may feel, and maybe when the time for progress comes, you'll have something new, fresh and perhaps better, to offer to the relationship.

Be strong in other words

:bows:

 

[willowfox]

Then I asked if there's anyway at all to salvage this, 35

A total change of attitude and behaviour is what is needed, as you realize that is why she left you because you always showed your bad side. Think back when you first met how nice you were but over the years you have become demanding, possessive and aggressive. Real soul change is the only way out now, bitterness and remorse will achieve nothing.

Finally asked the YI what I need to do going forward, received 45, lines 3, 5 and 6, changing to 56

Line 45.3 says that you are now alone as she has run off so follow the advice of Hex 35, make over time.

Line 45.5 says that you need to regain her confidence and trust by being a different person from what you are now.

Line 45.6 says that you want to be with her but she sees only your bad side these days and has flown the nest because of your behaviour, if you can sit down and think about what and how you have gone wrong then hopefully you can see all the changes that you need to make to become that nice person that you once were.

Edited to add: That if I come across as sounding harsh I don't mean to be but this little episode is showing you something very important, that drastic changes need to be made, it is a major lesson for you and you need to learn so that you know what you were doing wrong as you seem to have become too complacent with your own behaviour to the detriment of your friend. She is making a major statement by walking out after 9 years, listen to it.

 

[bamboo]

I am sorry for your pain, too, folledeschiele. And I would not blame yourself. that only makes you suffer needlessly. The "dance" between two people is mutually acted out. If one person chooses to distance without communicating, then to pursue becomes the natural response. even if it is to no avail sometime. and it is a painful thing to sense the distancing moves of one you love. You deserved more of an explanation.

I cant comment on your 35 reading other than to say that salvaging the situation means bringing it out into the light ..and altho I dont know if that kind of progress means saving the relationship, it seems that it is advising you to look at what is really going on here. what is she really about? and did you actually have the kind of relationship you had hoped it was. It sounds like you walked on eggshells with her.

In order to move on, it seems likely that you have what it takes to put the pieces together 45.4. Remember that 45.6 is clear about "no blame".....it was not your fault that this happened. It is okay to express your hurt and regret openly, and I would think about doing that with her if you can contact her. It is really important to be honest here about the effects on you, without undue accusation or blame. And if you can't talk to her, be honest with yourself.

what does the repeated 56 mean to you, intuitively? If moving on is necessary, The 45 is stressing that you can pull the pieces together, come to an understanding/healing about what has happened and what led up to it. This may take some time.
I send you love and good wishes.

 

[folledeschiele]

thank you

for all your help and thoughts. It's been a couple of days, and it's become very clear that she left because she wants to be free and is no longer in love with me. I do recognize my part in pushing her away and know that I could have applied much more effort on saving our relationship, and this is a painful lesson indeed. Somewhere in me I believed our relationship was somehow invincible, and that was a big mistake. It was far more fragile than I knew and I should have gotten rid of all my old patterns and behaviors to give it the best possible chance.

I've reached out to her to tell her I hope she's ok, I know she's going through a lot and that I will give her the space she needs, and she responded very positively, thanking me for being understanding and sayings she was sorry she was so brutal about this all. But she hasn't come back despite my saying the apartment is hers too, and from her behavior and what little she's said I know now that this is really over.

I also realized yesterday that I want a separation for now because clearly it wasn't working for her and she wants new horizons and experiences (this was the initial reason for our relationship starting to break down-- we were young when we met and she felt itchy for new experiences. Also, this is the second time things have falled apart right after she returned from a long business trip, pointing to her craving for freedom from commitment to me and maybe even interest in someone else. So in a sense I'm taking Willowfox's advice and doing my very best not to react with bitterness or make demands on her, try to make her change her mind, but love her by accepting that this is what she wants and showing compassion, gentleness and support. I figure that's all I can do now with the love I feel for her, since she's decided to no longer give us a chance. Also, for my sake, I need to get off this emotional rollercoaster ride and rebuild myself, because at the moment I feel shattered.

I am now just trying to get through this very dark night of the soul, which is intense and made even worse by the fact that one of my brothers is very sick with cancer and may not make it (he's only 32).

Contemplating all this pain and asking about its impact on me, I drew the YI this morning. I got 27, lines 1 and 4, changing to 35, Progress. I'm starting to think that hexagram (that I also drew when I asked if it was possible to salvage the relationship) wasn't necessarily pointing to saving the relationship, but starting life on a new leaf. Line 1 seems to say, try not to feel sorry for yourself, while line 4 seems to say "Get out in the world and do good".

Next I asked how I can start to wade through this pain, and got 17.1 changing to 45. I really don't understand this one, I admit.

I do feel I've lost my magic tortoise, but I know I'll get it back eventually.

 

[willowfox]

I got 27, lines 1 and 4, changing to 35

For the moment don't try and get her back, just let every calm down and think, especially you. line 27.4 says you need to let your good side surface for the both of you.

Hex 35 again says that you need to be the good person that you once were, you need to get rid of all those nasty habits that you have, not to be so possessive, demanding and greedy. It can be done and that is what she wants.