Friends with benefits, or...?

[psychonaut613]

So, a love interest texted me out of the blue the other day. She lives in another state, but during the summer we met and had a sort of fling for a couple weeks.

So she texted me, shes in town for the holidays and we spend a fun night together and had sex for the first time. Then told me she wanted to hang out again when I left her house. Its been a few days and she seems to be avoiding spending time with me now. I realize she may be afraid of getting close because she will be leaving, but I want to simply make the most of the time we have.

Yesterday, I asked the I ching, what is the situation between us and got 30.1.2 > 50

Last night I had all this intense stuff bottling in me(I'm a scorpio moon) and confronted her over phone about how I'm feeling used and actually want to spend time w her and not just be a booty call or one night stand thing while she's here. I don't know that this confrontation sunk in or not, in the end she was "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" not that I said I did, but even a fling(which is the minimum I'm hoping for) is a sort of relationship, right?

I'd like to think that her wanting to spend the night together after 6 months and even telling me she was scared right before we had sex(that means she likes me alot I hope) means something, but then, just because she felt that way then doesn't mean she does now....

After our exchange last night, I asked why did she come into my life? and got 18 unchanging.

And today, she kept texting me about not talking to me anymore because we don't want the same thing and goodbye and finally this ended with an ambiguous statement that tells me we probably will see each other again before she leaves town. I've found that with women they say things they don't mean all the time, and this isn't necessarily bad. Where would the challenge be if men and women both think the same way?

So I asked What is my best course of action? 61.1.2.3 > 53 This is the question I most want answered the other ones I sort of get. please and thank you :bows:

 

[Cathalina]

Yesterday, I asked the I ching, what is the situation between us and got 30.1.2 > 50

My initial thought was that perhaps she felt guilty. Your hexes and lines are about morality and moving too fast.... However, you said she doesn't want a relationship with you. I STILL think it could be that she feels guilty though perhaps 'just fun' was her intention all along. Regardless, more than her motives this is speaking to you of your situation which is moral (perhaps your own guilt and feeling used). It is my belief based on my understanding of psychology (and when I see readings like this I generally come to the same conclusion) that when things move too fast physically (before the relationship type has been established, before getting to know each other past the attraction phase, etc.) it creates an unbalanced that is usually impossible to recover fro, regardless of whatever potential existed before. It confuses one or both parties and usually puts one person in the position of victim and one in the position of the hunter or the player or... the person that got the most out of it. Neither party wants to be the victim.

After our exchange last night, I asked why did she come into my life? and got 18 unchanging.

Another possibility, although this is a stretch, is that this was a rebound. Maybe she is going through a bad break up or is involved in a failing relationship. That makes sense in Hex 18 AND based on her inconsistent behavior.

So I asked What is my best course of action? 61.1.2.3 > 53 This is the question I most want answered the other ones I sort of get. please and thank you :bows:

I like your question and I like your answer.
Hex 61 - inner truth. How appropriate. I find this Hex very beautiful and reassuring because even without reading the lines it tells us that the right answer is not out of our knowledge or out of our grasp but within us, possibly just clouded by fear or anxiety. But let's look at the lines....
To me the lines itself indicate there the type of relationship you want is not likely at all. However, it could also be a matter of patience, but in all honesty, based on your other readings and the circumstances of the situation, I don't think 53 refers to that girl.
Line 1 - "Examine yourself for bad habits and let them go before they cause a fall."
The bad habits: the girl herself, the habits that got you in that situation in the first place, the habits that are keeping you from moving on (like thinking about it too much).
Line 2 - "Inner strength or weakness is always being communicated by others. Whether you are strong or weak, it will be felt by others."
Work on yourself a bit more before embarking on a new relationship (of any kind). And remember that if you want a relationship that is strong or meaningful or dignified, you have to start it right.
Line 3 - "If you rely on another for your peace of mind, your balance is lost."
This is telling you to let it go. Don't take the role of the victim. Just accept that it happened and move on. Even if she keeps giving you mixed signals, don't read too much into them even when they seem favorable.

Hex 53 talks about YOUR gradual development. Examine why this girl made you feel the way she did. What you could have done differently for different results (in both what happened between the two of you and in your feelings). Why, if you wanted something dignified, you went about it so casually? Examine yourself so you can be more careful and more prepared next time. This hex is very hopeful for you.

This is how I would take it but perhaps someone else has different opinions. Nonetheless, best of luck!

 

[psychonaut613]

The truth is, she has been texting every day since we had sex. Sometimes more than once a day.

We have talked since my first post and what was said really suggests to me she doesn't want to get too close, then miss me when she leaves town.

She said she had plans, but then texted me last night and mentioned she was just sitting watching tv with a bottle of wine. But I was at a dinner party(I'm not going to just sit around and wait, hoping someone changes their mind)

I don't want a pen pal, so I tomorrow I'll ask if she wants to join me for...[insert fun activity] and if not, tell her to stop wasting my time.

 

[psychonaut613]

Hmmm.... So we have been hanging out and having fun and she keeps texting me daily, sometimes alot, basically contrary to what she says we are, which is just friends.

Normally people don't start a text conversation w a friend 2 or 3 times a day.

Due to a small argument, it came up that she sees me as "just a friend" and "there is nothing between us". Yet she keeps texting alot and sometimes asking what I'm doing and sometimes arranging to meet me places. During the 6 months we were apart she would text me once in a while, but, more or less stayed in touch.

I'm really puzzled by the fact that after six months she texted me out of the blue when she was in town and we have spent 3 nights together, 2 involving sex and yet "we are just friends. There is nothing between us."

So I asked "Should I expect this to mean anything to her?" and again I got 61 this time with 61.3.4.6 > 43

Maybe 61.3 I am relying too much on her and need to rely on myself for my own feelings of happiness. It's normal for women to be more emotional and up and down than men, which isn't necessarily bad, but maybe I need to stop being affected by it? I think sometimes we push peoples buttons because we can and it works.

And, "best course of action?" 48.3.4.5.6 > 64

I'm fine with the idea that we're just going to have fun together and nothing serious as she will be going back home in 2 weeks. But also part of me has been considering having a candid talk w her telling her that if she really believes there is nothing between us, I don't want to waste any more time as I have enough friends and I'm sure there are other girls out there who would genuinely want to be with me.

 

[Tohpol]

Maybe 61.3 I am relying too much on her and need to rely on myself for my own feelings of happiness. It's normal for women to be more emotional and up and down than men, which isn't necessarily bad, but maybe I need to stop being affected by it? I think sometimes we push peoples buttons because we can and it works.

Yup.

Well, you're not going to stop being affected by it until you stop sleeping with her. And "pushing people's buttons" is all part of the sexual dance at this level. Not an easy thing to extricate yourself from when all the chemicals are flowing to be sure. Life is to be lived, but eventually, "having fun together" and opting for the "nothing serious" route seldom works out I'm afraid - unless you switch off your emotions completely which can become a habit.

Also, albeit a generalisation, in our present culture women seek intimacy translated into sex whereas guys often want to sow their ritual oats, especially when younger. She may well be playing with you - even unconsciously - which is obviously making you confused. You will obviously be bringing your desires to the table when you meet also. With all these mixed signals going on bubbling up from all kinds of issues I doubt it bodes well if you both continue this way.

In summary, perhaps 61 is saying trust yourself and go it alone. 43 is decision time. Whereas 48 is the source of energy that is being wasted, potential draining away, yet you have all the insights you need to navigate through this situation.

She wants to be friends, and so do you. Yet, for different reasons it seems you both want your cake ...

 

[psychonaut613]

Well, I have given her the "I have enough friends and don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't see me that way" speech and have cut off contact. It is up to her if she wants to make an effort to reestablish contact.

Another possibility, although this is a stretch, is that this was a rebound. Maybe she is going through a bad break up or is involved in a failing relationship. That makes sense in Hex 18 AND based on her inconsistent behavior.

I didn't volunteer this information before, but when we first met, she told me her last boyfriend was physically abusive. However it has been 6 months and he is in jail now(I'm actually proud of her for this because I've never met a woman strong enough to confront an abusive ex in court).

However, I've found in the past that whenever I dated or tried to date someone who's last boyfriend was abusive, They just never understood why I was nice to them and thought of me as a weakling.

I'm curious if anyone has thoughts with a positive spin on my readings? Or thoughts on the getting over of an abusive boyfriend? maybe she is overly sensitive to some of my behavior after her last boyfriend and thinks I am being controlling or pushy in some way, which turns her off?(I'm quite assertive sometimes and tell people exactly what I want and will accept)

I found this helpful: http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/friends/showthread.php?12497-Hexagram-48-Unchanging

 

[Tohpol]

She'll have some hard-wired issues to get over that's for sure. It may be that there is a gravitation toward abusive relationships extending back to childhood programming /parental conditioning etc. Or, if this is the first, being a young woman, then perhaps she can be weaned off such patterns before they become significant tracks in the brain? At least she seems to be very aware of these issues and as you say, appears to have real courage. Being involved with abuse and a man who has ended up in jail...This is enough to make anyone hesitant. Since it may be that she equates strength with abuse I think that's the kind of programming that needs counselling at least, some therapy if she has the financial means. (This would link into replenishing the Well (48) from the thread you referenced.)

You may or may not be able to help her with that as you are the friend/lover and all mixed up inside her mind. But you're right, I think there is much to be positive about. As you say, the ball's in her court. I suspect she needs time to find her own foundation and strength - to find self-esteem. Sometimes real respect and friendship comes from allowing a person the space to heal. It does indeed sound like a "rebound" and perhaps what she needs now is grounding, sympathetic ears, and to talk about her recent past. If she can find that centre within herself, I wouldn't have thought there's any reason why contact can't be established later on.

 

[Brendon]

i think she just want you to be her close friend and about that night Im feeling very sorry but if she is not much concerned of really afraid about things that is going around than you can do nothing much i would suggest you to talk with and get everything cleared.

 

[psychonaut613]

Why, if you wanted something dignified, you went about it so casually?

I didn't think of this as exactly casual. Although we didn't talk everyday when she was in another state, we kept in touch, more or less. And I figured 6 months was a long enough wait to have sex with someone...

AFAIC it's not really my place to reestablish contact. I feel like I would be apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong(other than catching feelings)
Also I've done the we're just friends --(but we're really in a relationship bc I hang out w you more than anyone else and depend on you emotionally and have sex with you)-- game and don't really want to play around with another time waster(as I call them now). In my almost mid-thirties I believe I'm getting too old for that and so is she!

However, I had a dream last night where I was thinking about just texting her to say something like, "I was thinking about you and thought Id say hi"
I can't really remember, but it seems in the context of the dream she had done something nice or contacted me first and after a day or two was when I was thinking about making contact. And maybe its just a dream, but I also really believe in dreams as I think they are the same language as the IC.

So I asked, "why did I have that dream, does it have meaning in that I should act on it?" got 30.1>56. (30 again for this situation, twin fires, too bad that sounds like we had a good start at least)