Heartbreak and hexagram 24

[hereiam]

I’m enduring the breakup of my relationship with my fiancé. The only man I've ever been engaged to or wanted to marry. The short version is I repeated some old patterns of mine (being negative, needing validation, being controlling, etc) which I am currently in therapy to heal. I discovered he'd been lying to me about his use of porn over our entire relationship. To make matters worse, he contracted an STD and fed me some story about how he got it, that he did not cheat on me . The breakup has been excruciating and shattering. I really adored this man. Yet he would not take or see his responsibility in all this. Somehow it all became about my behaviors. He was what I wanted until things slowly came to light of who he really is. It’s all so shocking. I’ve been so confused. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed. I feel like I'm going mental. Aside from therapy, I talk with a couple close people. I’m on an anti-depressant. But it’s so very hard. I can only keep myself busy so much. There’s all this lag time where my mind starts whirling and I get so upset again and again. Not to mention always seeing reminders of him. We had plans for our life together. I thought he was the one. He said he lied because he did not want to lose me. But he lost me anyway in the end. I’m not far away enough from it to see things clear yet. It’s only been a week. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking to one another. It makes me question everything. Did he really love me? Why did he do this? Is there really any other way he could have contracted this illness? Etc etc etc. My heart hurts and I’m tired.

I consulted the iching many times about our relationship and finally asked today “Father God what is the best way that I need to handle this?”
I flipped the coins on my own and got hexagram 24.

‘Returning, creating success.
Going out, coming in, without haste.
A partner comes, not a mistake.
Turning around and returning on your path.
The seventh day comes, you return.
Harvest in having a direction to go.’

I guess this means returning to my path, returning to myself. It’s such drudgery to do this.
I wish it were more comforting than that.

Anyone else have thoughts on this? The pain is often unbearable.

 

[moss elk]

24 says to take some down time to decompress and recuperate from things.
Allow yourself a period to heal.

 

[Trojina]

I’m not far away enough from it to see things clear yet. It’s only been a week.

Or it means it's only been a week, and of course 24 mentions the turnaround time as 7 days. I don't even count a week as a proper break up.


I think the porn is one thing, not such a massive deal if he looks at porn sometimes is it however how he got his STD is a very very big deal indeed.


It's his job to be fully transparent about that. I wondered how you found out he had it ? Did he tell you voluntarily or did you find out some other way ?


You had a break up before didn't you ?

Oh BTW you said you prayed about this so what answers came to you from that ? It certainly can be a more direct route to guidance sometimes than a 3000 year old Oracle

 

[hereiam]

Or it means it's only been a week, and of course 24 mentions the turnaround time as 7 days. I don't even count a week as a proper break up.


I think the porn is one thing, not such a massive deal if he looks at porn sometimes is it however how he got his STD is a very very big deal indeed.


It's his job to be fully transparent about that. I wondered how you found out he had it ? Did he tell you voluntarily or did you find out some other way ?


You had a break up before didn't you ?

Oh BTW you said you prayed about this so what answers came to you from that ? It certainly can be a more direct route to guidance sometimes than a 3000 year old Oracle

Thanks Trojina.
The porn was several times a week and it seemed to take away from his desire for me. He was looking up videos and naked women and following FB pages of naked women. I found out about it because it was all in his internet search history that he left on my phone when he used it after his phone broke. I found out about the STD because he voluntarily told me. Thankfully I do not have it. One story was he got it from a surgery he had while at hospital and another story was from a toilet seat. Wtf. I'd rather just say he cheated on me. That gives me more to work with than this other nonsense. I hung around because I wanted to believe him. I did not want to believe that a man who claimed he loved me and wanted me as his wife would do this especially since I've waited to marry anyone.
We never really broke up before. We talked about it and had arguments before but this is the first time we've done this. He would get so upset and uncomfortable when I bring the STD up to him because he feels so ashamed. Yet he won't be clear how he got it.
I asked the oracle a while back to show me an image of him, it was one of the first readings I ever did and I received 18 unchanging. I figured it either meant he was corrupt or hot for sex.

 

[openheartsf]

Hi there,
I'm not great at interpreting Iching, but just wanted to say that I REALLY understand what you're feeling right now. It sucks...sucks...sucks...wondering what the hell happened. I'm going through a breakup too , with a man I thought I would marry. It's one of the worst feelings and the only other time I've felt this bad is when my mom died. The grief is all encompassing. It's hard to focus.

All of the advice my friends and therapist have given me is that it does get easier with time. Self care is critical. And I know that a week feels like forever. The best thing for us to do it try to heal and move on. I have found it very hard to get closure, but I'm giving the situation space...and time. I hope for the best for you and some clarity very soon.

 

[moss elk]

Yet he won't be clear how he got it.

This seems like a big problem to me.
If he won't own his actions,
then he is likely to do it again.
I'm not trying to rain on your relationship.

 

[marybluesky]

Hello hereiam!

Sorry for your story.
Father God what is the best way that I need to handle this? 24 unchanging.
I think you interpreted it correctly: 24 indicates coming back to your own path, but also rebirth, recovery, rejuvenation.
I received this result for ending a stagnant relationship. It seemed so difficult at the time & I was afraid of the (presumed) emptiness the clear-cut could cause. However I felt much better after it. The sadness and stress went out and new air came into my life. Then I looked back and learned there was no reason to worry about losing something not-so-precious.

Good Luck!

 

[hereiam]

Thank you openheartsf. It's very painful and I find myself in bed a lot because the grief overpowers me. All I do is cry. I hope you find healing too.

 

[hereiam]

Moss Elk he has a pattern where he turns things around on me. Putting focus on my issues. I'm not perfect. I've said things I wish I hadn't. But I always did my best. I was loyal to him. I dont know why he can't be honest other than hes ashamed of something. If there was a shot in a million he got the disease any other way then I'd apologize for accusing him. But my doctors and what I've read online all say you only get it through sexual activity.
It is all so sad. I try not beating myself up so much for where I failed.
Thanks for your reply.

 

[hereiam]

Moss Elk he has a pattern where he turns things around on me. Putting focus on my issues. I'm not perfect. I've said things I wish I hadn't. But I always did my best. I was loyal to him. I dont know why he can't be honest other than hes ashamed of something. If there was a shot in a million he got the disease any other way then I'd apologize for accusing him. But my doctors and what I've read online all say you only get it through sexual activity.
It is all so sad. I try not beating myself up so much for where I failed.
Thanks for your reply.

 

[Trojina]

It's very painful and I find myself in bed a lot because the grief overpowers me. All I do is cry.

I'm very sorry you are going through this and 18uc wasn't a great picture of him but I think you can take some comfort from 24 uc this thread might help with some ideas (there are threads for all unchanging hexagrams so 18 might interest you too)


Your question was the best way to handle this and your answer feels like 'return to me', you addressed God and it is as if the answer is saying 'return into me'. I just think it's a comforting answer - and please note the pair, 23. Now your experience is totally 23 right now, you feel stripped and abandoned and yet you received 24, the darkest point the beginning of the return of the light. So somewhere in this darkest night there is a little light growing.


Another thing to remember is even though your fiancée has really screwed up big time it doesn't mean he never had any love for you or doesn't have love for you. He hasn't acted with love and his actions towards you are devastating to you and yet still that doesn't mean there was never genuine love there.


I certainly don't mean that makes it alright but don't make it more painful in your head by thinking the whole relationship was rotten because that hurts you more in the end because you leave part of you in there. If you try inwardly to completely eradicate what was there you risk losing a piece of yourself too and it hurts more. Love was there but he did not live up to it, he failed to honour it and I'm sure he will live to deeply regret it because love isn't so easy to find or replace. He can spend his whole life on porn sites or one night stands and he won't find any love. As a stranger I almost feel as sad for him as for you because of his failure to live up to the love he was given through you.

 

[hereiam]

The post about 24 uc is helpful. Thank you Trojina. The hardest part is the abrupt ending. Not hearing from him again at all is hurtful. I'm not sure I knew who this man really was. He just dropped me. I'm working on believing I deserve better than this but it's hard to make sense of it all. He told me I was his heart. His love. Now nothing. I should stop before I spiral further into sorrow. Thanks again. I'll return to God.

 

[freimuth]

18 is not so negative - does not mean he is corrupt to me. To me, it indicates that you can help him to mend his ways. Sometimes we idolize other human beings, but this is often a sign of our weakness - to expect that Mr. (or Ms) Right will get everything right for us. Maybe when we look deeper into ourselves we understand better our own faults (you mentioned yourself your patterns); in turn, this increases our understanding for others and gives us the strength to forgive (not to forget!) ourselves and others and move on. Sometimes a relationship is strengthened by going through such a crisis. As for porn, how may people have never dubbed in it? I would try to be more gentle first toward yourself and then to the others. God helps those who help themselves. I wish you the best of luck for your future and the peace of mind to go through this difficult stage in a fruitful way.

 

[HappyHeart]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, hereiam. 24 in my opinion is a call to go back to oneself, something like paying attention to yourself, taking care of yourself, give yourself time to heal. You sound like a very honest and kind person, which it will help you in your healing, I wish you the best.

 

[hereiam]

18 is not so negative - does not mean he is corrupt to me. To me, it indicates that you can help him to mend his ways. Sometimes we idolize other human beings, but this is often a sign of our weakness - to expect that Mr. (or Ms) Right will get everything right for us. Maybe when we look deeper into ourselves we understand better our own faults (you mentioned yourself your patterns); in turn, this increases our understanding for others and gives us the strength to forgive (not to forget!) ourselves and others and move on. Sometimes a relationship is strengthened by going through such a crisis. As for porn, how may people have never dubbed in it? I would try to be more gentle first toward yourself and then to the others. God helps those who help themselves. I wish you the best of luck for your future and the peace of mind to go through this difficult stage in a fruitful way.

Can I just say it's not so much that he watches porn. I watched porn in my lifetime but not since I was with him. I didn't need it. He was enough for me. It's the repeatedly lying to me about it anytime I brought it up. Then when I found out the truth he defended what he was doing. So I'd rather be told the truth from the start then to find out what's really going on down the road after I was given an engagement ring. And find out he contracted a lifelong STD. Either way as confusing and crushing as it is I'm making it through. I'm working on forgiving myself.

 

[freimuth]

People often lie because they want to have the cake and eat it. In my experience, those who lie are often unaware that lying can mean for the Others involved a painful breach of trust. I agree that the main problem is lying and not watching porn per se, but hexagram 18 does suggest nevertheless that he can make amendments with your help and realize that he acted wrongly. It is not easy to regain trust after one has been deceived, but if one realizes that lying is often due to immaturity and not wickedness one can be more forgiving. However, it is important that the issue be clarified in full and that he sincerely understands his mistakes and repents. But as I said hexagram 18 suggests that one can work on that and may be it is even an encouragement to you to help him to move past his mistakes to a more mature attitude toward life.

 

[moss elk]

18 is not so negative

Really?! He has a lifelong festering crotch now,
Brought on by a lack of integrity, and he is still lying about it!

Would you tell this fellow it wasn't so bad?

 

[freimuth]

Just referring to the meaning of "18": "Ku indicates great progress and success (to him who deals properly with the condition represented by it)". This gua tells me that one can make this guy mend his ways, not that he has so far behaved properly.

 

[moss elk]

Ah, you have missed a couple things then.

1-she asked for a picture of him (which is fundamentally different than asking for advice or how or a judgement on an idea: the answer was 18 unchanging: a can of rotten poisonous worms. (same answer came up when someone asked for a picture of a certain orange skinned president in the news every day)
2-no person can clean the rot of another,
we can only clean the rot within ourselves, and model for others.
You can only subjugate a rotten person.

 

[Trojina]

People often lie because they want to have the cake and eat it. In my experience, those who lie are often unaware that lying can mean for the Others involved a painful breach of trust. I agree that the main problem is lying and not watching porn per se, but hexagram 18 does suggest nevertheless that he can make amendments with your help and realize that he acted wrongly. It is not easy to regain trust after one has been deceived, but if one realizes that lying is often due to immaturity and not wickedness one can be more forgiving. However, it is important that the issue be clarified in full and that he sincerely understands his mistakes and repents. But as I said hexagram 18 suggests that one can work on that and may be it is even an encouragement to you to help him to move past his mistakes to a more mature attitude toward life.

18uc could mean any number of things here and she asked for a picture of him not what she could do for him. . In any case I think it's pretty unrealistic at this stage to keep saying that this lady can help him become a better person. For one thing she has already explained he has no repentance whatsoever here

The hardest part is the abrupt ending. Not hearing from him again at all is hurtful. I'm not sure I knew who this man really was. He just dropped me. I'm working on believing I deserve better than this but it's hard to make sense of it all. He told me I was his heart. His love. Now nothing. I should stop before I spiral further into sorrow. Thanks again. I'll return to God

She has clearly said he has just cut it off and shows no sign of repentance. I don't think hexagram 18 here has to mean she has to swallow her heartbreak and go back to this man with his STD to help him be a better person ! She'd have to be a saint !


Now if at some point she herself decides that is something she wants to do, if he shows signs of wanting to talk about it or there's a possibility of clearing things up then that would be wonderful. But at this stage it's clearly not the right time for her to be even worrying about him.


18uc isn't always going to mean one thing - there's a whole thread on people's real life experiences with 18uc and they aren't all the same.

 

[Trojina]

18 is not so negative - does not mean he is corrupt to me. To me, it indicates that you can help him to mend his ways.

It could mean he is a distintegrating influence on her which he is by the sound of it.


Also it's a disaster going into a relationship where the idea is you help the other one mend their ways er especially in terms of a man and his sexual interests.

How is she meant to 'help him' stop him watching porn or 'help him' stop sleeping around and lying. It would never work. A woman cannot miraculously 'cure' a man of a pornography habit or make him change his sexual habits. It would be a disaster to go into a relationship with that kind of agenda. It doesn't work. What is more she thought this was a good relationship, it was working, she was putting her best self in, they were engaged. So having given the best of herself she find he really hasn't given the best of himself. I really do hope they might find a way through but I think the idea that a woman can go into a relationship with a view to reforming the man is not a good idea especially in regards to his sex life. I don' t think it's the right time to even suggest that - she's in pieces and she is the injured party here.

 

[hereiam]

Each moment is up and down. Sometimes I'm crying, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm beating myself up, etc etc etc. I'm just so f^cking hurt. I'm blaming myself almost entirely for the death of us. I can see his humanness but that doesn't mean I have to hang around and let him keep doing these destructive things. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, hopefully therapy will help me sort that self-blame stuff out sooner rather than later. In the end I know I'll be okay. This was a heavy blow.

I did a follow up and threw my own coins.
The question was "What is the pain trying to tell me?"
The result was hex 11 with changing lines 2 and 6 transforming into 22.


In searching jamesdekorne.com for line 2:

Turmoil is a fact of life. Unaffected by conventional norms, one bucks the current of ignorance and focuses on the goals of the Work. Cope competently.

And here on clarity for line 6:

Line 6: ACCEPT WHAT IS - OR FACE HUMILIATION. The time of Peace and Harmony is ending. Help those around you to prepare for this inevitable change. This will lessen the effects. Don?t try to resist the change, or those who bring it about. Resistance will make the outcome worse. By accepting ?what is?, without resentment or resistance, you will be in tune with the cosmos; you will be assisted by the Creative through the difficult period. Remember, this too will pass.


Basically, I must endure this until it passes. Fighting it or crawling back to him only humiliates me. I must leave things be and stay centered. I must let this wash through me. This man meant a great deal to me. I don't know if he'll ever apologize or if we'll ever talk again but this process is something I must go through...:bows:

 

[themothership]

I’m enduring the breakup of my relationship with my fiancé. The only man I've ever been engaged to or wanted to marry. The short version is I repeated some old patterns of mine (being negative, needing validation, being controlling, etc) which I am currently in therapy to heal. I discovered he'd been lying to me about his use of porn over our entire relationship. To make matters worse, he contracted an STD and fed me some story about how he got it, that he did not cheat on me . The breakup has been excruciating and shattering. I really adored this man. Yet he would not take or see his responsibility in all this. Somehow it all became about my behaviors. He was what I wanted until things slowly came to light of who he really is. It’s all so shocking. I’ve been so confused. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed. I feel like I'm going mental. Aside from therapy, I talk with a couple close people. I’m on an anti-depressant. But it’s so very hard. I can only keep myself busy so much. There’s all this lag time where my mind starts whirling and I get so upset again and again. Not to mention always seeing reminders of him. We had plans for our life together. I thought he was the one. He said he lied because he did not want to lose me. But he lost me anyway in the end. I’m not far away enough from it to see things clear yet. It’s only been a week. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking to one another. It makes me question everything. Did he really love me? Why did he do this? Is there really any other way he could have contracted this illness? Etc etc etc. My heart hurts and I’m tired.

I consulted the iching many times about our relationship and finally asked today “Father God what is the best way that I need to handle this?”
I flipped the coins on my own and got hexagram 24.

‘Returning, creating success.
Going out, coming in, without haste.
A partner comes, not a mistake.
Turning around and returning on your path.
The seventh day comes, you return.
Harvest in having a direction to go.’

I guess this means returning to my path, returning to myself. It’s such drudgery to do this.
I wish it were more comforting than that.

Anyone else have thoughts on this? The pain is often unbearable.

Hex 24 Unchanging - describes the Holidays. Start planning your Merry Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year! No more work on this matter - it can wait. He is like a really toxic work environment full of difficult nasty people who present only problems and leave you holding the bag.
Leave that case file at the office, and go on holidays. Return to places where you weren't hurt like that. Return to people - friends and family - who didn't hurt you like that. This will take a while - so set an away autorespond message to his email and phone texts "I'm on a well-earned and much deserved extended holiday and can't answer you just now. If this is an emergency please call the emergency services. Don't worry, I'll get back to answer messages when I return from vacation. Cheers!"

Every day that comes and goes is like a gift to unwrap. A friendly wave to the neighbor, a kind word, a thoughtful deed, gifts that don't hurt you, people who you can have a cuppa with. Sun warm on your face. Rain on the roof while you nap.
Instead of assessing how much of your value he stole, and negotiating a trade agreement, and then suing for breach of contract - this is all those good things and good people who simple don't hurt you. They are in your life every day!
But you can't see them, appreciate them, enjoy them and regain a perspective of your true value - if you won't put your pen down and stop working on that to go on holidays. What is working on that case actually paying you these days anyway? Benefits? Bonus?
Close the passes.
Return to what strengthens you instead of saps your strength with no end in sight.
Remember popcorn & riding a ferris wheel? Swinging on the swings? Return to what has always been good and non-injurious to you.
Every day is a gift.
Your time is valuable.
Your life is meaningful.
Your spirit's revival starts NOW.
That's hex 24 unchanging.

 

[dfreed]

Hex 24 Unchanging - describes the Holidays.

I don't want ruin your holiday, but I just want point out to you, this thread is two and a half years old. Hopefully their spirit has been revived at least a few times since then.