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Hex 2 Unchanging - dealing with a boundary

Seeker0970

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Hi all,
I have been lurking for about six months now and have been doing readings and using the search method to find similar threads to readings I've received. They've been very helpful.

I'm asking for insight into a reading about how to deal with a frustrating friend who is very hot and cold, offers her help but then ignores or flakes out later.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want this kind of dynamic. My two choices it seems are to say nothing about the behavior, or to express that it makes me feel devalued as a friend when she offers to do things and doesn't come through without a word. The question I asked the Yi was, "Give me insight into the correct words to use to express myself so that I've stood up for myself."

I got hex two unchanging (for the third time this week actually). The back story is that this is someone whom I've let push me around like this in the past. I'd like the cleanest resolution so that I'm not wasting no energy.

My interpretation of the hex is to literally do and say nothing. This seems like a doormat decision, and I'm not sure what else to make of it. Any insight?
 
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diamanda

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Hi Seeker0970,

Hexagram 2 shows submissiveness indeed, and inaction. However, it gives some concrete advice about friends.

Friends will be made on a trip to the southwest, as it goes with those who are similar; friends will be lost in the northeast, but this will end in celebration (when Qian appears as the desired goal) - Tuck Chang

2 is also about acceptance. Perhaps this is what your friend is like and no amount of talking will make any difference. Perhaps you should consider if you want to keep your friend exactly as she is, or if you prefer to lose the friendship altogether.
 

Seeker0970

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Thanks, Diamanda. I appreciate your words. I tend to think that considering lately my lessons have been about non-reaction and riding things out because I myself can be rather rigid when it comes down to it, that's what I chose to do. Not enough reason to reject this person totally.

I don't know what Qian is. I will look that up.
* Aha Qian is Hex 1, interesting that one has to be soft to attain it?
 
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diamanda

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Qian is Hex 1, interesting that one has to be soft to attain it?
That's because 1 is male/dominance and 2 is soft/female/submissiveness. It's the very old notion that the female submits to the male, or, rephrased from another angle, in a pair of people, usually one is dominant and the other makes concessions/submits (obviously you). Applied to your case, I think that you just can't consider this a friendship of equals, and it cannot become one. Since you want to keep the friendship, you'll have to accept/submit. If you don't want to do that, you'd need to find other friends, similar to yourself (then you would be with equals).

As about "non-reaction" and "doormat decision", a lot depends on the thought-basis of such accepting behaviour. If you see the situation as "my friend's actions devalue me" then yes, it would sound like a doormat decision to just say nothing. If, however, you change your thought-basis, then it's wisdom to accept the things we can't change. I've met many people who are flakey like your friend, and promise things they never do. That's how they are. Getting angry about it, and taking it personally, has absolutely no effect on the behaviour of such people. We can either accept it (because there are some other benefits to the friendship), or walk away. If accepting is done consciously and purposefully then it's not a doormat decision.
 

Seeker0970

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Correct. If for no other reason than to learn to change the thought bias, I currently choose to keep this situation. Eventually once that lesson is learned, I'm pretty sure it will no longer matter whether she's a flake or not.
 

Seeker0970

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Correct. If for no other reason than to learn to change the thought bias, I currently choose to keep this situation. Eventually once that lesson is learned, I'm pretty sure it will no longer matter whether she's a flake or not.

I contemplated this more. While this person's behavior can't devalue me, it does send me a message that she doesn't value my friendship very much; at least it's not evident to me. I've known her a few years, and looking back, this isn't new behavior--the "we are best buds and we will do X or Y next weekend" then do a runner and ignore me / ignore the issue. I'm angry at myself for having allowed it for so long. I don't want this kind of behavior but she can be very charming and suck me back in with occasionally coming through, favors and flattery. I'm kind of disgusted that I'm spending time thinking about it, but this probably points to a bigger issue with me than just this one person.

I asked Yi for insight into what to do and got 45.4.5.6 changing to 2. What I see in 45's lines:

4- situation favorable, meeting for discussion
5- trust issues (duh), getting others to see my value
6- voicing frustration but don't criticize

I am interpreting this from various internet sources.

I don't know how 2 plays in.

To follow up, I asked for insight into the result of saying nothing and got 2 unchanging AGAIN! More of the same.

Insight into following the advice in hex 45.4.5.6, I got 16 unchanging. Maybe this means I will be lighter. This could be more superficial flattery from the friend, I guess, unless anyone has different interpretations. Thanks. I find all this fascinating.
 
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diamanda

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insight into what to do - 45.4.5.6 > 2

45.4 shows that luck is on your side, which is always good to know.

45.5 however shows a problem, namely that someone is untrustworthy (your friend). The line advises that when we're in a good position (you) and we're dealing with someone insincere ('bandit', to be precise), then we need to be very persevering in what is right.

45.6 is a very unpleasant line. I never felt good when it happened to me. It shows someone 'at the top' who is not secure (insecure then?).

All the lines seem to describe your situation very eloquently. You've got good things going for you in general, but this 'friend' is insincere, and this distresses you greatly. Then comes 2 again... accept it.

I had a friend like that, years ago. If you heard her talk to me, one would think she's my absolutely best mate and that she was 'dying' to meet with me a lot more often. But every time I suggested a time/place to meet, she would always find a hundred silly excuses to not meet. In the end I got very tired of this.

I agree with you, she doesn't value you or your friendship. But it's not personal - my 'friend' behaved the same way to quite a few other people. Obviously the problem is that you two are incompatible - you value decency and sincerity but the other person doesn't. And obviously it's impossible to convince someone with words to start valuing us -it just doesn't go that way.

Yes 16 is a lot about flattery, or illusion and delusion, and insincerity.
And 2 also shows emptiness.

So, as to what to do... meet her, be careful and steadfast, be prepared for a bad/sad end to the meeting. Or you can heed the advice of 2 and say nothing.
 

Seeker0970

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Wow Diamanda, that's a brilliant interpretation. It's so true. The way I perceive our positions is that she strives for the one-up position. Incompatibility is the issue for sure. I guess we all run into a friend like that now and then, as you say.

As for sticking to the good, that's going to be very hard. I have seen that she treats other people the same way. It's like a yo-yo. I have to contemplate what is good. Probably not being hurtful. I'm tempted to.

As a follow-up to 16 Enthusiasm, if I follow 45, I got 6 conflict, which to me says that to even discuss the issue would only feed into my existing ambivalence about the acquaintance. It would maintain her sense of superiority, elusiveness, and control, and since she doesn't value sincerity anyway, it would be a wasted effort.

Probably best to just accept it and be wary for the next round of trying to lure me in again. It follows a cycle (also 6-ish, back and forth), so that's just how it is.

Thanks for your insight and your relating story. 2 can very much mean emptiness!

Addendum: in inquiry to "what is good" I got... Hexagram 22 UC! Love and beauty even if some of it is a bit superficial. This is blowing my mind! Now I see why people are so into the Yi. I am amazed.
 

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