Hex 60.2.5 to 24 - what is the urgent warning in line 2?

[veronica]

Hello everyone, some of you may be familiar with my long-term situation as I have posted on here about it many times before. Cutting a long story short, I have been in conflict with the father of my son for many years but especially over the lat 2 years, since my now 11 year old son reported at school that his father has been hitting him, which resulted in social services involvement (with are based in the UK) and multiple court battles to try and get my son to be listened to by the legal system (my son has been asking for a reduced contact). A social worker (my son's guardian) has finally produced a report, recommending a reduced contact, the father does not want to accept it so we have been in and out of court. My son suffers as a result of this conflict and seems torn between two parents fighting. One day he says he doesn't want to see his father any more, the next he says that he does. His behaviour is deteriorating, he is suffering socially and becoming more and more insecure. We were supposed to have the final hearing at the end of June but as the guardian was on holiday and could not testify, the hearing was moved to November! The last judge was very unpleasant, criticising both parents for not being able to agree but I made it clear from day one that I am happy to accept the social worker's recommendations.

Anyway, I'm tearing my hair out at the moment, unsure how to help my son. I am considering trying to move the hearing forward so this conflict could be brought to an end, I am also considering changing my legal team. It hurts me to see my son in the middle of it and struggling.

I have asked the Yi: What would your best advice be regarding my son at present? I received Hex 60.2.5 to 24. I'm worried about the urgent warning associated with line 2: "He who hesitates is lost" Wu Wei says: There are opportunities at hand that require immediate action, but you are not acting... Limiting your activities at this time time will cause you to miss your chance and could have dangerous consequences"

What am I not doing? I'm trying to be as proactive as possible, trying to bring this horrendous conflict to an end. The judge said that I am to promote my son's contact with his father so I am not allowed to say anything to him, although I know he is at a risk of emotional abuse. I cannot see any obvious opportunities I am not acting on, so I asked again: What urgent opportunities should I be taking advantage of? I received Hexagram 17. 3 to 49. I know line 3 tends to be interpreted as a need to take a more adult approach (perhaps I'm overprotecting my son, where it is not needed?) but perhaps I should interpret this line as a more direct translation - Bound to the mature man (my ex, who is quite a bit older than me), Lets go the small child (my son), Following gains what it seeks, Harvest in constancy in settling". How on earth am I to interpret this? Should I try to agree to my ex's demands and let him have my son more?? This situation is bringing about too much anxiety for me so I cannot see clearly. Your input would be much appreciated! With gratitude.

 

[mulberry]

Does his father continue to hit him? If so, the next time your son tells you his father is assaulting him, you should contact the police and file a police report. You could even do so now, retroactively. In the US, at least, this would escalate the matter. You say your son is wishy-washy on what he wants but I remember some of your past readings, and Yi's theme has been to tell you that you must be completely decisive and not harbor any hesitations. These readings you posted today continue that theme—be decisive.

Should I try to agree to my ex's demands and let him have my son more??

This is the hesitancy that comes through in all your posts and that nearly all of your readings seem to address in a really critical manner. No. Your son's father is violent. He hits your child. There is no reason he should have any access to your son whatsoever. You must make a psychic, inner shift to hold total conviction that he should have no access, then move from that point. Stop going back and forth on it.

You should also ask a specific question about changing the legal team—maybe that would in fact help.

Wishing you much luck with this, it sounds terrible.

 

[veronica]

Mulberry, many thanks for your comments. The father has not hit him again as he knows he would loose access to my son completely. I have no doubt that the emotional abuse continues and I have been trying to raise concerns over the years but to very little effect. There is no support in the UK for emotional abuse victims. My hesitation stems from the fact that I have been advised many times that I have to promote contact, otherwise I will be viewed as the alienating parent. It is all very complicated. Believe me, if I could I would never force my son to see his father at all, only when he wants to see him, but the law in the UK is very much pro fathers and my hands are tied. What in your opinion is the advise in 17.3 to 49?

 

[veronica]

BTW - I did ask today: "What if I represent myself in court" (instead of having a barrister) and received Hex 7 unchanged! Not sure whether it means a green light to go on and fight or whether it advises to just get organised??

 

[veronica]

Is anyone else able to shed some light on the 60.2 and 17.3 pretty please?

 

[diamanda]

Hi Veronica,

What would your best advice be regarding my son at present?
60.2.5 > 24

Not going out of the door brings misfortune. You, or your son, need to go out more.
60.5 says to limit sweets - either limit sweetness (?), or less sugary stuff.
And 24 shows an easy-going attitude.

This is strange advice, but, perhaps it's showing you what you should be like towards your son, so that the contrast between you and your ex will be more obvious to your child. Have more fun days out with your son? Be less sweet? Your question is strangely phrased and quite vague though.


What urgent opportunities should I be taking advantage of?
17. 3 > 49

You're presupposing here that there are some urgent opportunities (?).
This answer tells you that if you follow the ways of your ex, you'll lose your son.
No idea why or how, however the answer is clear and it specifically mentions losing the boy...

What if I represent myself in court
07 unchanging

A war. Sounds bad.

 

[diamanda]

As about emotional abuse, if you're not already doing so you should keep a detailed diary with nasty incidents created by your ex. Keep building it, make a note of every crazy incident, towards you or towards your son. You need solid proof and emotional abuse is extremely hard to prove - I strongly recommend you to keep detailed records.

 

[Trojina]

Hello everyone, some of you may be familiar with my long-term situation as I have posted on here about it many times before. Cutting a long story short, I have been in conflict with the father of my son for many years but especially over the lat 2 years, since my now 11 year old son reported at school that his father has been hitting him, which resulted in social services involvement (with are based in the UK) and multiple court battles to try and get my son to be listened to by the legal system (my son has been asking for a reduced contact). A social worker (my son's guardian) has finally produced a report, recommending a reduced contact, the father does not want to accept it so we have been in and out of court. My son suffers as a result of this conflict and seems torn between two parents fighting. One day he says he doesn't want to see his father any more, the next he says that he does. His behaviour is deteriorating, he is suffering socially and becoming more and more insecure. We were supposed to have the final hearing at the end of June but as the guardian was on holiday and could not testify, the hearing was moved to November! The last judge was very unpleasant, criticising both parents for not being able to agree but I made it clear from day one that I am happy to accept the social worker's recommendations.

I do feel for this poor boy. But honestly, to be honest from the start, I'm not automatically anti his father. I can't take that position so any answers I give will reflect that.


I don't know enough about him. I only have your word, your side of things and that's the same with all queries on the forum really but in any case it does sound like your son still wants contact...but in any case in a matter like this I just can't automatically see the father as baddie. You know if a court can't decide who am I to decide on a free internet forum ?

Anyway, I'm tearing my hair out at the moment, unsure how to help my son. I am considering trying to move the hearing forward so this conflict could be brought to an end, I am also considering changing my legal team. It hurts me to see my son in the middle of it and struggling.

I have asked the Yi: What would your best advice be regarding my son at present? I received Hex 60.2.5 to 24. I'm worried about the urgent warning associated with line 2: "He who hesitates is lost" Wu Wei says: There are opportunities at hand that require immediate action, but you are not acting... Limiting your activities at this time time will cause you to miss your chance and could have dangerous consequences"

Toss Wu Wei straight in the bin and understand what you have quoted is not the I Ching it is a commentary and a rather irresponsible one at that ! Quite alarmist to write about 'dangerous consequences' when the line doesn't mention that at all. I mean you scale the answer to the size of the question. All Yi actually says is

'Not going out of the gate from the courtyard.
Pitfall.'

It is to do with holding back when one needs to go forth.

Regarding your son it seems you have no choice but to wait. I say that not in regard to the casts but from what you say of the situation.

I can't see what the reading refers to really other than this

I am considering trying to move the hearing forward so this conflict could be brought to an end, I am also considering changing my legal team. It hurts me to see my son in the middle of it and struggling.

I'd see the cast as saying 'yes try to move the hearing forward'. You can try, there's no harm in trying.

What am I not doing? I'm trying to be as proactive as possible, trying to bring this horrendous conflict to an end.

You're not trying to bring the hearing forward ?

The judge said that I am to promote my son's contact with his father so I am not allowed to say anything to him, although I know he is at a risk of emotional abuse. I cannot see any obvious opportunities I am not acting on, so I asked again: What urgent opportunities should I be taking advantage of? I received Hexagram 17. 3 to 49.

The 'urgent opportunities' aren't in the reading really so you can forget those. Other than of course trying to bring the hearing forward ?

I know line 3 tends to be interpreted as a need to take a more adult approach (perhaps I'm overprotecting my son, where it is not needed?) but perhaps I should interpret this line as a more direct translation - Bound to the mature man (my ex, who is quite a bit older than me), Lets go the small child (my son), Following gains what it seeks, Harvest in constancy in settling". How on earth am I to interpret this? Should I try to agree to my ex's demands and let him have my son more?? This situation is bringing about too much anxiety for me so I cannot see clearly. Your input would be much appreciated! With gratitude.

So there aren't any urgent opportunities other than perhaps the opportunity of bringing the hearing forward. You know when you say

The judge said that I am to promote my son's contact with his father so I am not allowed to say anything to him

...what I pick up from that is the judge thinks the pair of you are using the boy in an emotional battle between the pair of you. In other words it's to do with you and the father's conflict where the boy is the ammunition so to speak. That is what it sounds like the courts etc think. If there were any truth in that then yes 17.3 would call for a more adult approach.

veronica
Mulberry, many thanks for your comments. The father has not hit him again as he knows he would loose access to my son completely. I have no doubt that the emotional abuse continues and I have been trying to raise concerns over the years but to very little effect. There is no support in the UK for emotional abuse victims.

Emotional abuse is such a highly subjective thing to evaluate there can't actually be any laws about it though I suppose it plays a role in divorce cases etc. The father may say you emotionally abuse your son but what does it even mean to use the term ? It's too vague a term and boils down to one person reporting what another person said and calling it 'abuse'. The father likely says you are emotionally abusing the boy. You see there's nothing solid to go on except the hitting your son only reported at school and on which a report was made. But I would have thought if this were a case of physical abuse the boy would be withdrawn immediately since this is taken very seriously in the UK. So it appears they aren't treating it as an emergency and aren't calling for zero contact only reduced contact.


I'm not even willing to label the father as physically abusive to the boy because the courts haven't yet and I am in no position to know and 'hitting' can cover a vast spectrum from a slight tap to punching.


Yours is a case where I really feel at sea in making any comment about the father or what's right and wrong in terms of access which makes interpreting hard really because naturally you want us to take your side but maybe sides is the whole problem and sides don't matter here, what happens between you and the father doesn't matter it's only the boy that matters. What you feel about the father doesn't matter and what the father feels about you doesn't matter. You both have responsibility for bringing the child into the world and neither of you should say anything negative about the other one to the boy.

My hesitation stems from the fact that I have been advised many times that I have to promote contact, otherwise I will be viewed as the alienating parent. It is all very complicated. Believe me, if I could I would never force my son to see his father at all, only when he wants to see him, but the law in the UK is very much pro fathers and my hands are tied. What in your opinion is the advise in 17.3 to 49?

This is because for a long time fathers had a really rough deal in terms of child access so the balance is being redressed. Too often mothers were automatically given custody and too often it was less to do with the welfare of the child and more to do with poison relations between exes.


In a few years your son will be able to do whatever he wants. He's 11 now and even as he gets to his teens his opinion is going to be weightier as well as his body.


You said

The last judge was very unpleasant, criticising both parents for not being able to agree but I made it clear from day one that I am happy to accept the social worker's recommendations.

But are you really happy to accept the social worker's recommendations ? I recall your threads on this from years back and you've never been happy with the father anywhere near your son. Perhaps this is justified or perhaps it's somewhat justified but your own feelings about the father really magnify/get projected on to how he treats your son.



Of course I have absolutely no idea and as I have said as this about the boy I just can't fully take your side and interpret the readings like that as there is not enough objective information. The courts do have objective information as do the social workers so they are better qualified to judge.


You are asking people here to accept that the father is a very bad man and so some of them do but I can't really go 100% with that as I'm not qualified to when it is a question of parental access. For all I know the father loves the boy deeply so there's no way I can say 'refuse him all access'. He certainly wants to see him which is a lot more than some fathers do. Some time back you said you did verbally warn the boy about being like his father and everyone was advising you not to put the father down in front of the boy. I think one of the most harmful things for the boy would be the pair of you saying bad things about the other to the boy.


If you don't like my post I will edit it if you prefer.

 

[diamanda]

I find it chilling to read Veronica's older posts about this.
Especially the last one I quote below.

(May 9th, 2010)
Although I have made attempts in the past to move on (eg. moved out of the town where my ex lives to a place 2 hours drive away) I only found that the same nightmare has been moved with me. My ex still continued to apply pressure for us to get back together, becoming agressive and abusive every time I refused to consider reconciliation. I have considered a restraining order in the past but never carried it through as I thought we will be able to build a relationship as parents and friends for the sake of our son. I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow to get advice regarding legalising my ex's contact details with my son and to discuss the restraining order if necessary. Because this process has been going on for so long I have become very overprotective of my little boy and am now very anxious to let him stay overnight with his dad (line 2 describes this quite nicely?) due to my ex's outbursts of bullying and verbal abuse in the past..

November 6th, 2011
It has been four very difficult years of going though deep emotions interlinked with custody battles, lack of acceptance on his part, mind games, bullying and me finally getting stronger. The path has been especially torturous as my five year old son has been in the middle of it and as much as I have tried to shelter him from it, I am starting to see the confusion and hurt on his innocent little face. I have moved on with my life, met a wonderful man with whom we now live but my ex seems stuck in a rut manipulating situations to make my life as difficult as possible, stirring things and continuing to play games.

December 26th, 2012
My ex has recently threatened that if I try to bring up any issues regarding his behaviour at court in January (we will try to ask for psychological assessment) he will make sure that we will spend the next 15 years fighting in court. He has got a lot of money, I only have very limited funds and he is more than capable of carrying out his plan.