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hexagram 31 and long-term relationship

folledeschiele

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Hello everyone,
I'm excited to be joining this community as I've been leaning on this site a lot through a very difficult time with my long-term partner, and I've learned a lot more about the Yi in the process.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, six of which we've lived together. In my mind, this is a marriage. This year, though, we've plunged into our first major crisis, mostly because my partner says she has been having doubts about our future, feels cagey on account of us meeting so young (she has never been with anyone else in any serious way), having sexual curiosity and sometimes doubting her feelings for me as of late. This has been devastating as I'm still very much in love, and our relationship started out on an extremely passionate, mutual level and has continued that way for many years. Since she told me this, I have been going through a major upheaval inside, and decided to rent a separate apartment for a couple of months to give me some space from the situation and help her clarify what she wants-- recommit or go off and be single?. The problem is that I've only "succeeded" in staying at the other place twice, because every time I try to be firm and say I need us to be more or less separate until the situation is clarified, she begs me to stay and says that even though she's currently confused, she knows we can work through this and that all couples go through this. So I stay, but a few days later I hit rock-bottom again, afraid that I'm too vulnerable in this situation, even though she's being very sweet and attentive.
Which brings me to my reading this morning. I asked the YI whether it was wrong of me to give in to her insistence that I stay last night, though I was really upset and felt a strong need to remove myself from the madness. I drew 31, Wooing, with no moving lines. Any suggestions as to what this may be trying to convey to me?
I've also repeatedly drawn hexagram 24, Return, and Opposition, particularly lines 1, 5 and 6.
Thank you for any help in figuring out what I need to do to take care of myself in this confusing situation.
 

willowfox

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I asked the YI whether it was wrong of me to give in to her insistence that I stay last night, though I was really upset and felt a strong need to remove myself from the madness. I drew 31

No it was not wrong to stay as you need to be cooperative and ready to understand what she is going through, impatience only serves to harm the relationship and cause even further disharmony.
 

dobro p

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Since she told me this, I have been going through a major upheaval inside, and decided to rent a separate apartment for a couple of months to give me some space from the situation and help her clarify what she wants-- recommit or go off and be single?

This sounds more like you're trying to work out what YOU want in the situation. If you value the relationship and want to help her move through her process, why are you moving away from her physically? It makes more sense to go through this thing with her, both physically and emotionally.

Which brings me to my reading this morning. I asked the YI whether it was wrong of me to give in to her insistence that I stay last night, though I was really upset and felt a strong need to remove myself from the madness. I drew 31, Wooing, with no moving lines. Any suggestions as to what this may be trying to convey to me?

It's conveying the obvious - you're subject to a strong influence. When something is working a strong influence on us, that's 31. 31's also about being attracted to someone romantically, sexually, or emotionally. All of that is at work in you right now - you're influenced by her and she's your romantic, sexual and emotional partner. As for what to do in the situation, the Yi says "taking woman fortunate", which means that uniting with the influence, or getting together with the partner, is exactly what is required.

She says she wants you with her. The Yi says it's a good idea too. Okay, make your decision.
 

Trojina

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Er I think theres way more to 31 than attraction. Infact I'm trying to recall a time ever in my own experience when it has meant attraction. If desperately wanting not to be with someone is an influence well then maybe - but its not quite 'attraction'. I don't know exactly what 31 is all about all I know is that the usual stuff doesn't hold at all for me. Its amazing the number of times its come up in situations of absolute alienation/separation when i ask 'whats happening ' kind of stuff.
And with hindsight it hasn't meant being together at all, quite the reverse, especially with 31 unchanging anyway.

So I don't agree this answer means cozy up with her and all will be well - maybe it asks you what you are pulled to - and if its not her well then...31 could be repulsion which is an influence as much as attraction

Anyhow right now I'm not sure about 31 at all so....? You know i associate it with the sticky tentacles type feeling when someones suckering you in which is influence i guess - but its just not hearts and roses always
 
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martin

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What I hear is that your girlfriend needs more stimulation (31), more adventure.
The trigrams of hexagram 31 are the youngest son and the youngest daughter.
Your gf wants to be 'young', she is not ready to settle down yet. She could try but if she did that she would feel that she skipped an important part of her life.

I don't think that the Yi gives a direct answer here. The Yi only gives the theme, "look, this is the situation, young man and young woman", something like that.
The Yi doesn't say that it was wrong to stay with her that night. Or right for that matter. Or that it is wrong or right to live with her now.
That is not the issue and the Yi knows it (of course :)) and your girlfriend knows it too.
If you can allow her to be young now, and allow yourself to be young too, that probably solves the problem.
Perhaps talk it over with her? :)
 

Tohpol

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What I hear is that your girlfriend needs more stimulation (31), more adventure.
The trigrams of hexagram 31 are the youngest son and the youngest daughter.
Your gf wants to be 'young', she is not ready to settle down yet. She could try but if she did that she would feel that she skipped an important part of her life.

I don't think that the Yi gives a direct answer here. The Yi only gives the theme, "look, this is the situation, young man and young woman", something like that.
The Yi doesn't say that it was wrong to stay with her that night. Or right for that matter. Or that it is wrong or right to live with her now.
That is not the issue and the Yi knows it (of course :)) and your girlfriend knows it too.
If you can allow her to be young now, and allow yourself to be young too, that probably solves the problem.
Perhaps talk it over with her? :)


My fingers were poised to write more or less what you outlined Martin. So, you took the words out of my mouth!(or fingertips) :D Said it better than I could of done anyway.

The Yi does seem to give these summary hexes with Yes/No questions...

Topal
 

martin

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Yeah, I hacked your computer, no, your mind, no, even before you think a thought I have already stolen it! :D
 

Trojina

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Reading what Hilary says about 31, something like 'intense mutual vulnerability' sounds much more like it to me than 'attraction'. Anyway i think 31 unchanging as your answer shows that vulnerability to one another, how you move one another - nothing more, its just showing it as it is, no right or wrong involved.
 
M

meng

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Man up. Feeling weak and sorry for yourself isn't going to win back her affection. I think the Yi is telling you to be firm and strong (mountain), so that her joy (lake) may feel secure enough to rest and depend on you emotionally.
 

folledeschiele

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thanks

Thanks for all your insight and suggestions. I do recognize that I have something of an abandonment complex due to past relationships where I had to contend with an ex's indecision and then ultimately lost the person, and I have a tendency to want to take "pre-emptive" action against further hurt (eg: Ha! You won't have the chance to leave me because I'll leave you first!) I know that this is an infantile, knee-jerk reaction. I suppose the shock of going from feeling like our love is totally mutual to somewhat lopsided has really derailed me, and I want to work with the situation, want to believe her when she says we can work through it, but part of me is afraid she's just clinging to me out of habit, or fear of being alone. I figured by taking some space, we could both figure out just what the relationship is made of and maybe understand what our long-term potential as a couple is-- it wasn't to make a point or punish her. I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster ride and can't ground myself by being with her all the time.

As for toughening up and "being a man", I'm...um, a woman, actually. But I think the point is still valid. ;)

As mentioned, before pulling 31, I repeatedly saw opposition, with line 6 twice, referring to a case of semi-paranoia where one perceives one's closest ally as a pig or devil. So I wonder if part of it is me not being willing to trust her, even though she hasn't done anything aside from express feelings? I also have pulled 24, Return, as future hex at least twice, but this hex has always struck me as enigmatic, and I have no idea how to begin to approach it.

In any case, this has helped me to gain a different perspective, which is so helpful when one is subjected to cyclical thinking. Thanks again.
 
M

meng

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As for toughening up and "being a man", I'm...um, a woman, actually. But I think the point is still valid. ;)

Oops, sorry 'bout the guy thing.

I think you have it, and I think it's brave of you, that you can admit to these human frailties. Most won't; so :bows: to you.

The "preemptive strike" is especially a winner, isn't it? :duh:
 
D

diamanda

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Hi folledeschiele,

You asked if it was right for you to stay that night, well 31 says yes, it was right.
It doesn't say much about the overall situation, but for that occasion it was fine.
"Success"... "To take a maiden to wife brings good fortune"
"marrying a young lady. There will be good fortune"
All translations agree on this. But i can see your issue is not really that, it's not
giving in on one specific night. So to concentrate on 31 would be distracting i think.

You said you got a few 24s. For me, 24 is almost always about coming back to our
very own internal light, or whatever it is that 'light' means for us. 24 mainly advises
to go back to our very own light, to our dear selves, to ask our cherished inner one
what does make us truly happy; to come back to our own worth, to our own spring
time. When i read your words about you needing to back off, 24 sounded very
befitting. You need to return to yourself, first and foremost (easier said than done,
when we're in love...). As about 38, and especially line 6... oh dear. It all depends
on if you've got other changing lines as well. For example. take 38, change 6, into
54.... Well, 54 is the last place you (or anyone) would want to be... It's a sad lonely
place, where you'll never really matter that much to the other person. No good and a
huge red flag. Now, how can 38:6, turn into 54? Perhaps it's what you said. You see
the person as a 'pig' and a 'demon', the person is striving towards you, but... but...
their motives are perhaps that they're just too scared to be alone (it happens to
the best of families, so to speak), and so on. There are just so many reasons, apart
from true love, to keep someone with someone. It's sad, but true.

Well, so, in conclusion, the only thing i can say to you, is that i know how you feel,
and the only thing i can advise as a 'friend' would be, at this point, be very careful
how you phrase your questions. Think well - make certain what your goal is, and ask
questions towards that goal - but at the same time keeping in mind what is best for
you. Hoping that this makes some sense to you. You know, in a similar situation in the
past, the I Ching kept on advising me some bizarre things i could not understand back
then, but loving and trusting the I Ching so much, i went by it. What i realised a lot
later was this: "knowing how to become free of blame is the highest good".

Recoup and roll on more questions!
 

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