hexagram 41 and 5.6 to 9 (on endings and beginnings)

[folledeschiele]

A couple of weeks ago I ended a relationship which lasted two years. It was at times wonderful, at times terrible, but the overriding theme for the past year has been turmoil, indecision and extreme ups and downs. As much as I still love my former partner, I decided the constant stress and turmoil was simply unhealthy, and that my heart just wasn't in it as much as it should be, especially considering that we don't currently live in the same country. Of course, though, still loving this person, I am devastated and asked the Yi if I had made a mistake by cutting the cords, or if it was too rash. I received hexagram 41 unchanging-- Decrease-- which makes me think this is a necessary loss. Does anyone else have experience with this hexagram and the painful need to let something go? I'd love to hear others' stories and impressions of this.

Yesterday she was in town and we met to say good bye. It was emotional but respectful and it's obvious there's still a lot of love there. I'm pretty certain this is the right decision due to a number of factors I won't go into here, but I'm still terrified of facing every day without her...she brought me so much support and joy, when things were good between us. I asked "What should I know as I set out to move on with my life without her?" and drew 5, changing line 6, transforming to hexagram 9. Any insight into this? I do feel like I'm in a cave today just licking my wounds, so seems appropriate. ;-)

 

[ginnie]

Yes, 41 uc, reduce the passionate involvement.

5.6 : Well, I am the first of the three guests who will today enter your cave.

Hexagram 5 has to do with providing for oneself and that has to do with 'waiting for the rain to fall.' There is no need to chase after what we need. It will come on its own.

I believe that one of Yi's basic principles is that if something or someone causes us conflict and turmoil, it is best to end it.

 

[Lavalamp]

Disagree totally Ginnie. There are many times in the Yi when we are in fact bound by duty and/or by love itself to overcome turmoil and conflict through self improvement, meeting the other person halfway, many different ways. Without an irritating grain of sand, an oyster would produce no pearl.

"Have I made a mistake by cutting the cords, was it was too rash?"

41 unchanging-- Decrease
The advice in this hexagram says to control your anger and make simple sacrifices out of the sincerity of your heart, inner simplicity and strength compensate for what is lacking externally. The commentary says if you restrain your anger and your instincts - your lusts - you will enrich your soul.

You do the math on that.

"What should I know as I set out to move on with my life without her?"

5.6 Waiting
You have fallen into a pit. Now the danger cannot be averted. "Everything seems to have been in vain. But precisely in this extremity things take an unforeseen turn. Without a move on one's own part, there is outside intervention."

>9 Taming power of the small
"It is only through gentleness that this can have a successful outcome."
"The wind restrains the clouds, the rising breath of the
Creative, and makes them grow dense, but as yet is not strong enough to turn
them to rain."
" The situation is not unfavorable; there is a prospect of ultimate success, but there are still obstacles in the way, and we can merely take preparatory measures. Only through the small means of friendly persuasion can we exert any influence."

There is also an implication in "the rain not falling" that the ruler was for some reason not worthy of it.

 

[folledeschiele]

thank you for your interpretations. I do believe that sometimes you have to fight for things, and sometimes you have to know when it's time to give up the ghost. I'm very sad but feel generally much more serene since making this decision, so think that's telling. we were in many ways a great fit, and other ways a terrible fit, and had clashing hopes and dreams for our lives besides. it was a very "manic" kind of dynamic and I'm reaching a point where I need a relationship to be a haven, with a general peacefulness at its core. Of course you can't avoid conflict and the healthiest relationships confront conflict and use it to strengthen the love...but if fear and stress and anxiety and conflict begin to take over and override the good things, it begs the question of whether to "decrease passionate involvement" as a way of restoring balance/peace.

 

[Lavalamp]

Look, you didn't ask the Yi it's opinion about your breaking up with the person, and the Yi said "Good fortune", "no blame" and "you could do with something more simple."

You asked if you made a _mistake_ breaking up with her, if you lacked control of your impulses (if it was too rash.) And so here the Yi is talking about what your mistakes are. It's not telling you whether you should be in a relationship with this person or not, IMHO, and one shouldn't put words in the Yi's mouth. It is saying there are things you need to change in yourself, because you need to restrain your instincts - actually sounds like it's saying you are _very rash_ - and asking such questions are what brings good fortune and frees us from blame.

The Yi is slow to pick on the faults of others, in my experience, and quite often just refuses to tell you a lot about someone else when you ask. But ask the Yi it's opinion of you breaking up with her as a separate question, and see if you get "no blame" in that reading.

 

[ginnie]

I know that Lavalamp has tremendous intuition about relationship questions, and I do 100% see his interpretation that Folle has been too rash in making the decision.

On the other hand, I know that whenever I have asked Yi about a specific person and gotten hex 41 uc, invariably the meaning (for me) has been to be less involved in a bad, entangled way with that person.

I have given hex 41uc a lot of thought over the years and come to the conclusion that it has no fixed meaning but can always be interpreted either way. It is always left up to the querant, how he wishes to interpret the concept of giving something up. I guess it's always a temperamental bad habit we're giving up and not a person, exactly. But it's impossible for an oyster to make pearls out of sand when the sand resides in another country. They just end up sending each other communications that do not resolve the conflicts.

 

[Lavalamp]

This is why what the question one asks is is so important. Changing the question to suit the answer you received shows either lack of awareness, raise your consciousness, or something inside yourself that is looking for a particular answer.

If you treat the Yi as if it has personality, you get more clear answers I think.

 

[Lavalamp]

And when you ask "what...now" questions about what you have done and the Yi says "You fell into a pit" - that's a fairly clear message, if you have ears to hear it.

 

[folledeschiele]

well in reality, the decision wasn't so rash. it came after weeks of sleepless nights, nightmares, suppressed emotions and a little voice in my head that kept telling me "you don't really want this." the relationship had become a lot better but I still felt oppressed by it in ways that are too complicated to go into here. I didn't feel it would be fair to continue when I felt so very ambivalent, and when my subconscious mind kept coming to tug at my ear every night and morning when I woke up. I really, really wanted it to work. I tried to make that sand into a pearl for two years. and I simply got tired of feeling in turmoil about it. I appreciate your interpretations, and perhaps on some level the way I went about ending this relationship was rash and unskillful, but the decision itself came after much deliberation. in any case, thank you, because I feel more serene about my decision now, having weighed it this way!

 

[Lavalamp]

Well you are the one who asked the Yi the question in the first place. Ask another question, and see what the Yi says. Ask about the oppression you felt, the bad dreams, why that was, how to best make that better. I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with anyone, maybe you aren't ready for relationship at all right now, or maybe long distance relationships are too hard for her too, or maybe the loss in the situation is totally your own, I sure dont know. But if you are trying to check yourself, because you feel troubled by many things - really check yourself, rather than hoping the Yi to rubber stamp your decisions.

 

[folledeschiele]

thanks for your insights, lavalamp. you are probably right that I need to dig deeper here rather than looking for some kind of absolution from feeling guilty. on the other hand, I've always seen the Yi as an incredibly useful tool not only for understanding the "why" of things and feelings, but for deciding when it's best to retreat or go forward, let go or persist, act or not act. So for me, decrease represents the general situation at work here, which is to diminish involvement in this relationship. I don't generally believe there's any one way to interpret a response from the yi-- half of it is your own intuitive response to the result drawn. I respect others' interpretations, though, which is why I come here in the first place. In any case, thanks for making me think more about why and how I interact with the Yi and how I could do so more self-honestly.

 

[ginnie]

Folle said, "I don't want to be miserable anymore." Yi said, "Then find a way to let it go. Wait and friends will come to help you."

A Course in Miracles says something quite startling. It says that when it comes to relationships, most of us cannot discern the difference between misery and happiness. We accept feeling miserable for long periods of time, where a rational person would just turn their back and walk away as soon as possible. There is something about being miserable that attracts us. Maybe we think we are helping the other person, gaining something through sacrifice, or that working through the misery is what a relationship is all about. Many of us did not see our parents modeling a happy, loving relationship. They say that when a man and a woman are alone in a room, there are always at least four other people in the room, too: the woman's mother and father and the man's mother and father. In other words, we are a product of myriad influences and ... beyond that I don't want to go on, as this subject is truly vast in its implications.