hexagram 49 (twice) and potentially mending broken relationship

[folledeschiele]

Hi all,
I'm grappling with whether to give a relationship a last chance after some pretty upsetting things transpired (anger problems between us that got frankly scary and made me feel I had to leave to break what felt like a destructive cycle). My ex and I both can't seem to let each other go, and I have been wavering back and forth about whether to give it another chance. I recently wrote her a long letter explaining all the things I felt were unacceptable to me in a relationship, and the reasons why I thought mending this would be next to impossible. At the moment I'm kind of waiting to see how she'll respond, and trying to decide whether to see her again, first strictly on a platonic basis and in public, to avoid just falling back into something without caution.
I first asked the Yi whether it would be dangerous for me to reunite with her, and got 49.3 to 17. I'm not sure what to think of this.
Next I asked if she was truly capable of making the changes I'd need her to make for us to mend things and start out on a new, healthy and respectful footing. This time drew 49, lines 4 and 6 changing. This seems to be saying that positive changes are indeed possible, but I shouldn't expect miracles? 37 might indicate that we could create a stable partnership from these new rules and ways? I don't want to think wishfully. One of the main reasons I feel it's a stupid idea to try again is that the changes I feel I need are pretty big ones, and I don't want to set us up for protracted heartbreak and an extended sense of failure.

Thanks a lot for any thoughts on these readings. Interesting to have drawn 49 twice.

--folle

 

[elias]

fwiw, you probably should have consulted the I Ching before sending the letter.

of 49.3 Ms Barrett says in part "What you are seeking is a change of mind. You cannot make this happen; awareness (other people's or your own) does not change just because you say it should..."

49.6 restates this even more forcefully. The world does not change at your convenience.

If there is to be a revolution, it must begin in your acts and attitude. You cannot make another person change; you can only invite change by freeing yourself of expectations, resentments, egoism and engaging the other person for who she is in this moment.

37 is about working from the background position, rather than trying to lead through force of will, or brilliance, or manipulation, or by making demands, or putting together a book of rules.

 

[folledeschiele]

thanks Elias, I do agree with much that you're saying, and I know change has to begin with me. But one thing I do feel strongly about: in intimate relationships there have to be rules for safety. Emotional and physical. And boundaries were being violated in ways that frightened and overwhelmed me. The only way the relationship could ever be resuscitated is through making those boundaries and rules for safety very clear and not settling for less. This is my perspective on it.

Thanks again for your time in replying, I appreciate it.

 

[white owl]

Emotional and physical. And boundaries were being violated in ways that frightened and overwhelmed me.

Hi Folle,

Is there abuse or was abuse of some kind?..I hope not. Just seeing if it might correlate with your reading, so that we might be able to understand & help you a lil better

 

[folledeschiele]

hi white owl,
unfortunately I have to admit that there was some. I think if I'm honest there was some mutual emotional abuse going on (and I'm looking deeply into my part of it and working to change) and on a couple of occasions she really broke my trust by touching me aggressively (once grabbed my arm, once blocked the door to keep me from leaving, poked me once during an argument...and after a while I started to feel unsafe (I have to specify: we're two women). I probably shouldn't even be considering a reconciliation, come to think of it...but she keeps insisting she has learned a lot from all this, recognizes that her behavior was unacceptable and wants to come back together on healthy ground. I'm really struggling with this. Maybe the Yi isn't even the right medium to address this with!
Thanks for listening .

 

[white owl]

Sorry Folle..its been a crazy couple days. Folle what is her behavior that is unacceptable? I am not seeing the physical abuse honestly. I was thinking that you are abused because you keep saying unacceptable like (my 6th grade teacher) lol..does she act like a child? Does she party too much? Hex 49 says big changes are happening either this will end or attitudes are going to do a 360, perhaps circumstances are going to change too.maybe a combination of it all. Hex 49 is in the right direction for growth, to make the appropriate changes for a healthier ground. I get the sense that you play the dominate role in the relationship? That could change too..