How can I find someone to be in a romantic relationship with? 18.1.2.4.5.6 to 49

[rose1901]

I'm 43 and I've had a Very Painful love life, including one divorce and several broken long-term relationships.
Since a 4-year-long abusive relationship ended nearly 2 years ago, I have been single and celibate. I have become a very, painfully lonely, isolated, and pretty sad person.
I would very much like to find lasting love.

I asked the Yi: How can I find someone to be in a romantic relationship with?

18.1.2.4.5.6 changing to 49. Every line is changing except 3. I feel like the I Ching is telling me to repair, work on healing myself, go to therapy, and essentially transform in a positive way, and then I will find someone.

Honestly, this feels so daunting.

It seems like hexagram 18 talks about wounds from parents/ancestors (?)
I know I have deep wounds going way back to childhood: my father totally abandoned me and didn't acknowledge my existence in any way for the first 40 years of my life. At this time, we're in touch, but I honestly have no interest in being connected to him. My mother was really emotionally abusive to me all my life and this, I know, affected me worse than my father's absence. These days, our relationship is better, but it has never been a very nurturing connection for me and still isn't. I know I have healing to do on my own, but it just seems like the hurt goes so deep and my lifelong feeling of being unworthy of love is so ingrained, I don't even know how to approach it. I have been in therapy throughout my life, and I'm willing to get back to it...

But I wonder if there are additional nuances and/or more specific advice within these hexagrams that any of you might illuminate for me. If so, I'd be grateful.

 

[redoleander]

I wonder if so many changing lines means that you have already healed and shifted quite a lot. Perhaps you’ve already moved through a lot of this. Obviously this type of work we are never “done” but I wonder if 49 is talking about an almost “fake it til you make it” type of approach. Not to actually be fake but to start doing different things. Inside can change outside, and outside can change inside too. Taking steps to isolate less, maybe do some new things, not rushing right into too much at once (49 is pretty clear that timing is important, doing things at the supported time rather than intellectually deciding what the right time is) and still shifting something. Change begets change. Even stretching daily can shift your perspective. Breathwork, movement, reading new things. It feels like it’s both. Maybe simplifying it to “inner child” applies to 18. I have found it uncanny that sometimes I’ll receive, say, 18.2.3 when I would ask about a painful marriage dynamic — I do think this hex comes up a lot to tell us that we are carrying something old, sometimes even ancestral. And, still, inner child work might be a good, direct thing to look into, finding ways to love and entertain your inner, younger selves while also owning the current, adult you can do some different things starting right now. Even today. Small shifts and expansions can become lasting growth. So many lines changing places your closer to 49 than 18, perhaps, and remember too that you received 18.6 You are not beholden to the past. Think of 49.2 — what would that mean to you? What is the major change you might want to ready yourself to make? And after 18 comes 19. Could be something promising and sooner than you think. You might not be as far off as you feel so long as you tend to these parts of yourself that need care, represented in the lines of 18.

 

[diamant]

I love @redoleander 's analysis here. Adding some more thoughts.

How can I find someone to be in a romantic relationship with?
18.1.2.4.5.6 > 49
The only unchanging line (18.3) shows strictness when dealing with others' corruption. You've come into very close contact with loads of rotten people. I'm sure you know by now all the red flags, so you need to continue to have very strict criteria when selecting others. 49 could be two things here - either you can't influence the exact timing, or, fill your calendar with some specified-time activities. Maybe try both?

 

[rose1901]

I wonder if so many changing lines means that you have already healed and shifted quite a lot. Perhaps you’ve already moved through a lot of this. Obviously this type of work we are never “done” but I wonder if 49 is talking about an almost “fake it til you make it” type of approach. Not to actually be fake but to start doing different things. Inside can change outside, and outside can change inside too. Taking steps to isolate less, maybe do some new things, not rushing right into too much at once (49 is pretty clear that timing is important, doing things at the supported time rather than intellectually deciding what the right time is) and still shifting something. Change begets change. Even stretching daily can shift your perspective. Breathwork, movement, reading new things. It feels like it’s both. Maybe simplifying it to “inner child” applies to 18. I have found it uncanny that sometimes I’ll receive, say, 18.2.3 when I would ask about a painful marriage dynamic — I do think this hex comes up a lot to tell us that we are carrying something old, sometimes even ancestral. And, still, inner child work might be a good, direct thing to look into, finding ways to love and entertain your inner, younger selves while also owning the current, adult you can do some different things starting right now. Even today. Small shifts and expansions can become lasting growth. So many lines changing places your closer to 49 than 18, perhaps, and remember too that you received 18.6 You are not beholden to the past. Think of 49.2 — what would that mean to you? What is the major change you might want to ready yourself to make? And after 18 comes 19. Could be something promising and sooner than you think. You might not be as far off as you feel so long as you tend to these parts of yourself that need care, represented in the lines of 18.

Dear @redoleander ,
Thank you for your beautifully clear, in-depth, and encouraging reply. It made a big difference for me. I took your insights and advice to heart. Interestingly, inner child work has been one of the most healing practices in my experience, but I had let it fall away in recent years. I've felt such a big shift since I've brought it back into my day-to-day life over the last week, along with more stretching and breathing--two things I've neglected in recent months. Your words had a big impact on me. Thanks for pointing out that I may be on the cusp of something promising rather than at square one. I'm so grateful for your reading.

 

[rose1901]

I love @redoleander 's analysis here. Adding some more thoughts.

How can I find someone to be in a romantic relationship with?
18.1.2.4.5.6 > 49
The only unchanging line (18.3) shows strictness when dealing with others' corruption. You've come into very close contact with loads of rotten people. I'm sure you know by now all the red flags, so you need to continue to have very strict criteria when selecting others. 49 could be two things here - either you can't influence the exact timing, or, fill your calendar with some specified-time activities. Maybe try both?

Dear @diamant ,
You were so uncannily accurate. Yes, loads of rotten people, and yes, I needed to be strict. The very next day following your reply, I got an out-of-the-blue text from the abusive ex I hadn't had contact with in two years. He said he was visiting the city where I live now and "would love" to see me. And part of me was very tempted and very curious, especially after the loneliness I've been feeling; in such vulnerable moments, it is easy to remember the good times and imagine it might be possible to have more of them. But I decided to be "strict" and say no. I feel like this decision alone represented a huge, huge shift in my self and in my life. I truly feel like in saying No I solidified enormous power within myself, closed a door that needed closing, and opened a new one. And I don't know that I would have made it if not for your very clear reading re: 18.3, so thank you.
Best,
Rose

 

[diamant]

it is easy to remember the good times

Yes I know what you mean. The human brain can be so strange. You've dodged a bullet there. So happy to hear you've remembered your power