How to deal with school issue 21.15 to 12 or 60.56 to 41

[butterfly spider]

Just when I could do without any extra problems I have to deal with an issue with my son at school.
He had been targeted by a group of boys about a girl and was filmed by another boy on snapchat - being stupid and retaliating. the incident was posted to a teacher andwas taken out ofcontext and I now need to know if I should preempt possible outcomes by making an issue and giving background information or just letting things ride - leave things for the half-term and see .... There is the possibility of suspension - which given the context would be absolutely unfair. However I could let this ride and then bring the other - quite possibly far more serious aspects up later.

Leave things be - let things ride. 21.15 to 12
Preempt and send background information now 60.56 to 41

My blood pressure is off the scale and I am feeling incredibly anxious after a very busy week (and bus journey). Any thoughts would be heloful

 

[angelatlantis14]

Hi Butterfly Spider,

sorry to hear about your bad weekend!
Without knowing the full picture and implications (like I don't even know what snapchat is ) I'll try and interpret the reading based on its own value:
Leaving things be: this does not seem to be an option. 21 for me is a strong indicator that you and your son should fight this thing through. LIne 1 shows your current situation, bound in a bad situation. The commentary by Wilhelm seems to me like strong advice to let no got this further: "If a sentence is imposed the first time a man attempts to do wrong, the penalty is a mild one. Only the toes are put in the stocks. This prevents him from sinning further and thus he becomes free of blame. It is a warning to
halt in time on the path of evil." I do not think that you son did any evil, but that the evil refers to the situation. Letting it slide, it seems to say, will make it worse. Line 5 for me is an indication, that the situation is difficult and fraught with danger for your son, but that if you are careful and aware, you can be successful:
"Bites on dried lean meat.
Receives yellow gold.
Perseveringly aware of danger.
No blame."

The second reading (preemt and clear up situation now) is very ambiguos and can be read in totally different ways (at least for me) . The fact that 60 speaks of restriction, but not overmuch restriction could say, yes send bsackground info, but try to do so in a matter of fact way, restrict yourself from actively accusing others. Stay constructive. This to me is mirrored in the two moving lines - sweet restriction brings good fortune, galling restriction brings misfortune.
41 too is ambiguous - decrease can refer to different things, it might be a decrease in tension and conflict (if the situation is clerared up right now) or a more negative form of decrease (like for the school career of your son). Given the previous Hexes and lines however, I see 41 here as a positive decrease.
Hope this helps a bit, and hope you can resolve the situation in a good way!
best wishes

maui

 

[Tim K]

Let it ride 21.1.5 → 12
Yes, as a first time offense it won't lead to anything serious. I think he already learned his lesson about how to react to bullying or name-calling I guess.
.5 again, a just punishment (in some soft form).

Preempt? 60.5.6 → 41
60.5 → 19 (Approaching), Richmond: Voluntary restraint. Good fortune.
No need, restrain yourself.

41, Wilhelm:Thus the superior man controls his anger and restrains his [motherly] instincts.

60.6 maybe hard to accept, but still you should keep it to yourself.


Also there is an issue of your son's feeling of self-confidence. If you protect him he'll be seen as mama's boy. And he'll feel it inside.


The consequences of mobile cameras are unthinkable!
When I was in school so many things went unnoticed! We were free to tackle each other, run in corridors, do stuff in toilets And now ... Butterfly spider, I think you are worrying too much, nothing serious did happen.

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you
Xx

 

[goddessliss]

Irrelevant of the reading - when things like this happen I look to 'self' first. Many years ago my son was experiencing bullying at school and I wouldn't consider him someone that is really vulnerable to bullying like the obvious 'smelly' kids. So I looked at his present circumstances which were him feeling vulnerable and heartbroken because of his father taking up with another woman which, to him, felt like he'd lost his best friend as his father and him were quite close at the time.
I resolved it by talking to him about this and using Bach remedies and we also came up with strategies re the bullying. I did not at anytime contact the school about it.

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you Liss
My son and I went away today - just us. Long journey chatting and tonight enjoying life together.
He says he is bullied 'mercilessly' at school - he even cried about it all. A big strapping lad - not like him

I think a week of being away and by the sea will give us time to talk through these issues

Thanks
Xx

 

[altair139]

I really like how hex 21 came out in this context. It's usually about punishing someone in legal matter. However according to the changing line the punishment won't be enough to make the boys stop (thus hex 12 came about, the situation stagnates and doesn't resolve). Bullying in school is really hard to shake off, most of the time the child will have to change school to stop the bully permanently because kids nowadays bully in groups, and the victim will be isolated no matter what he does in the present as well as in the future (nobody wanna associate with a bully victim to avoid troubles from the bullies). Hope you will find a solution that is best for your child

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you. I have had no sleep about this - its one of those that keeps mulling over and over. Have tried meditating yoga but still no stillness. My son and I have spoken at length on this and he is being far more pragmatic than me. He is upset because he will miss 3 days of school during A levels. He says that it had made him feel very bitter - towards authority - not a good mindset given his personality. I have seen the video - and if an adult had been strutting round the staff room rapping about their male friends then perhaps it would seem suspend able. For a 16 year old boy - together with 12 others - using language that is used on many TV and music videos is not. Other far more offensive videos have been sent to my son (including many about his sexuality - on a scale of 1 to 100 the rap video with my son is 4 the other is about 80 ..

The only reason this has arisen is that there is history between the boy who took the video and a girl whom he had sent the video - she thought it was about her and therefore there is cyber bullying. The senior staff have said that the school needs to set an example of this - and hence the suspension. My son does not even know this girl and nothing on the video links to her or is offensive to anyone actually.

I can't get this out if my mind - I have telephoned a fantastic charity that deals with sexuality in schools and thinking about this I perhaps need to take things one step at a time - deal with the issue of the video and then the other issue after this has calmed down. I said to my son yesterday that this is probably only a boil - he said it was not even pre-pubescent acne ... He said that I needed to let it go. Sometimes he said that making a scene bringing up the bullying and the taunts might make his life worse

I am a libra and unjust outcomes really really bother me. When my son has been an idiot before I have backed the school 100 per cent (he did silly things like climb a wall - nothing nasty just stupid) I am all for learning the hard way. I am also mindful that Mum can't always put things right. On this one I am finding it hard given the context of the issue.

I cast just now and got interestingly 21.4 6 to 24 for the question why am I so despondent and spending so much time on this

It has not helped me at all - although I have not sent anything or taken any action.

 

[Trojina]

Well if he himself said this

He said that I needed to let it go. Sometimes he said that making a scene bringing up the bullying and the taunts might make his life worse

Then that is what you must do isn't it ? A 16 year old boy is not a child, you have to respect his wishes. Also I think it highly likely there are things you don't know anything about because he won't have told you the full story. I only say that because I reckon if a 16 year old is in trouble at school they are highly likely to present their parents with an edited and abridged version. It's what they do.

The readings suggest if he was at fault in some fairly minor way (21.1) it's stopped before it's really started. 21.1 does suggest it's good this prevention is happening. Not sure about 21.5

60.5.6>41. Well 41 is advise to put less energy into this. 60 of course is asking you to keep this in proportion. 3 days off school is not long and he can study at home.

I don't have much idea about what the 'crime' was because it isn't clear to me from what you have written but taking videos of other kids (or being part of it) and posting them (I think he was part of that ?) must be something they cannot allow and obviously is something they take seriously.


I think that 60.5.6>41 is clearly for restraint and perspective. Indeed the yang change pattern here is 20. Step back, realise there will be things you don't know. Does any mother of a 16 year old really know what they get up to ? Heh well not in my experience as a 16 year old, no.

If he isn't happy there he could go to college perhaps ? But if he is being 'pragmatic' as you say about it then follow his lead. You could add more stress to him by going on about it perhaps ?

I'm not 100% sure of my interpretation because I don't know much about the situation. But Yi aside if he is clear he wants you to drop it then it would seem good to go with that.

I cast just now and got interestingly 21.4 6 to 24 for the question why am I so despondent and spending so much time on this

Possibly you identify very closely with success/failure of your children ? If your son is suspended it might make you feel you failed in some way. But there is an age where they have free will and it isn't all down to you for the mistakes they make. That's a suggestion, not the reading. The change pattern here is 35. I think perhaps you have projected a lot of stellar qualities upon him (remembering the thread where he was choosing his subjects) so the fact he got tangled up in something a bit grubby shatters that vision. I'm sure he does have stellar qualities BTW, not saying it's all projected, I'm saying maybe you have a vision of him in a certain way but he will have a darker side too as we all have. The yin pattern is 5. Carry on, see how things go. Make sure not to cleave too close to visions of how he is (21.6) return to normal life (24). I think despondency can follow exceptionally high expectations so you need to find middle ground.

Again I'm not 100% clear on the reading but all in all I think you will be able to let this pass.

 

[butterfly spider]

Of course there are things he hasn't told me - but mt son was not responsible for the filming nor the posting - and the punishment is based solely on this small clip - that is the issue. The boy posted this clip to his ex girlfriend who took offence and showed it to another girl who showed it to a teacher. Snapchat is used all the time by the boys and girls - with usually quite blunt charged emotions ...

I am off for a paddle (in a boat) on the sea now and will let it pass.
As my son said yesterday - you only have 22 more years of real life before your 80 - don't spend them worrying about me.

So - thank you for your comments. You are probably right in that I find the whole incident somewhat tacky - a nasty taste - rather like my NANs oft used quote hanging the dirty washing out to dry. ....

Xx

 

[butterfly spider]

Just heard from school and I quote

At this school we operate a strict policy on cyber bullying and we will therefore be suspending your son for a week.

Even if your son did not know he was being filmed and did not refer to the pupil
Who was caused distress the school must be seen to act for the benefit of all pupils.

This from a school that have a 2 day suspension for drug supplying. 2 days for drug use and 3 days for getting alcohol to year 8. ... The boys in the boarding house constantly take videos - one was sent today to my son which showed a gay boy being beaten by some
Thugs. .. That too is causing great distress to my son.

When he had gay boy written over his books - his work out in the bin and his bag filled with bananas and his glasses 3x painted pink and another pair trashed the head if house said that it was just joshing and good humour. I said I didn't find it funny ... When some
Boys called up at the flat window 3 weeks ago calling like Romeo to his boyfriend - that was banter apparantly.

 

[butterfly spider]

The video was 4 seconds long - the words used were:

She's my bitch man
Like man
Nice girl bruv
Gonna get down with my girl
We're gonna make out
Cool bitch my man

Rapping in the kitchen with 12 other lads
The school had said that the reason for suspension is the distress caused in the video .....nothing else

 

[butterfly spider]

All this and my daughter keeps phoning to say that she wants to kill herself ... This business has upset her - she said we are all damaged children that have a defect. She says that we all deserve to have bad things happen. This is not helping at all. My middle daughter who went to the same school as my son said just now

I told you Mum - we get bursaries we are expendable - we don't have the leverage to complain .. Also not helpful

Talk about poisoned arrows...

 

[butterfly spider]

10.5 6 to 54 - just ...

My son is crying now ..

 

[rosada]

Liss,
Which bachflower did you use?

ButterflySpider, Do you have access to bachflower remedies where you are? They really can help, imho.

Rosada

p.s. Also, I wonder what results you would get if you emailed the school asking them to put in writing what their so called cyber-bullying policy is and how it relates to your son? In other words, just what exactly did he do that they find so offensive? What exactly do they want him to do differently in the future?

I had a similar situation with my son being bullied in the 8th grade. He was ambushed and thrown in a trash can by boys he didn't even know. When he complained the boys AND MY SON were suspended for a day right at the time of mid-term tests. I protested and they held a big meeting in which it was obvious none of the teachers dared say anything to contradict the principal, who kept harping about their policy of punishing everyone involved because certainly the victim must somehow be to blame too, although no one could say how. I told them I did not feel safe having my son at their school and took him out. I let him stay home and play video games for the rest of the year. The following year he went to a different school and got high marks. Today, thirty years later he runs his own company, is well loved by his employees and is respected in the community.
We assume kids will do better in life if they stay in school. This is a mass marketing myth. Evaluate your son's school experience carefully. I would at least give him the option of leaving. If he himself chooses to say that could be empowering and help him handle bullying because he knows he has options.

Even so, perhaps you continue to fill uneasy because the Universe is trying to tell you your kid may be better off dropping out and studying what he needs to know on-line at home.

Best wishes,
Rosada

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you.

I am writing a letter to the school
- it's not going to do anything really but I will ask for the cyber policy and what exactly my son has done to contravene it. If they followed it to the letter they would probably end up with only a handful of pupils left..

I asked tonight how best to deal with writing/dealing with the school and got 6.2345 to 52 and then again just now - is this approach best - and got 6.45 to 4
I think I am being told something quite strongly here...
To

 

[angelatlantis14]

Dear Butterfly Spider,
I am so sorry to hear about this situation for you and your son. The decision to write to your son's school seems like the only correct one to me, even if, as you fear, it will accomplish nothing. But you should not let things stand unopposed like this! Maybe you should just write exactly what you wrote to us in your several posts? The truth should be heard.
Other than this, and regardless of the readings, is there a possiblilty to get your son to a different school? Someone wrote before, and I agree with them, that this type of bullying does not stop if the circumstances/people don't change - and it does not look like your son's school is very supportive to him, to say the least!
All the best to you and your son

maui

 

[Tim K]

I see both 6 → 52 and 6 → 4 as useless battle.
Keep still, accept the folly. The lines also speak of retreat from the conflict.


Chin up There are people living on Earth, who are having far worse experiences right now, so consider yourself lucky!

Children in Mumbai spend their nights submerged up to the nose in mud, full of nasty stuff, in sewer tubes. Filling up sacks with that mud (which contains traces of gold from jewelry shops on the street), then taking it on bicycle or some cart to the lord of thrash-and-mud, haggling for every rupee.
He then uses other men to sift through the mud and some equipment to filter out the scraps of gold, finally selling it back to the jewelers.

Also many Indian families live in a very tight packed rooms (6 - 20 people in one room), some even can only afford tent on a beach.

Every situation is a blessing, every man is a teacher.
Be like a Sun in a midday

Selling books at the stoplight, with a smile [BBC - Welcome to India pt.1]

 

[Greenkid]

Hello Butterfly Spider
For what it's worth - I personally would write to the school and demand that all the 'ins and outs' of the matter be spelled out to you. Also write IN DETAIL how you feel and what you believe has happened. Be very calm; read and re-read your own letter until you are happy with it's tone and content. My son was being bullied, this particular son was a very truthful boy and was refused playtime because he was in the vicinity of of something that happened which had nothing to do with him. I saw the Head Master and after my words my son's punishment was rescinded. He was also being bullied on the way home. I told him that I was coming to school; that I would walk 10 paces behind and he was to pretend he didn't know me. He didn't want me to come! When the first boy started on him I grabbed his color and told him that if He touched my son again I would personally thrash the living daylights out of him. I added that if he wanted my name and address to give to his parents I would happily supply it. My son was never touched again. All bullies are cowards remember.
The Bach Remedy 'Larch' is for Confidence which your son obviously needs. It wouldn't do you any harm either.
As a 'for instance' My friend - a very quiet peace-loving lady !! waited for her daughter's arrival by bus and told the lad who was bullyiing her daughter that she would personally break both his legs if he touched her again. (I don't reccomend this!!) Because the poor foreign children are suffering so badly does not mean that anyone else should be suffering - two wrongs don't make a right. I also doubt that a grown lad (the bully) would hasten to tell his important parents that he had been threatend by a woman half his size!!!
Just my view on the matter. - Sorry I Ching

 

[Greenkid]

P.S. No person should have to put up with being bullied and if the school wont stop it some-one else must - YOU. As you might guess I have had many run-ins with teachers ( have 5 boys and one girl) and I don't regret any one of them. Good luck and loving thoughts to you and your son. Annie x

 

[Trojina]

Rosada said

We assume kids will do better in life if they stay in school. This is a mass marketing myth. Evaluate your son's school experience carefully. I would at least give him the option of leaving. If he himself chooses to say that could be empowering and help him handle bullying because he knows he has options.

I agree. My personal view is school is no place for anyone over 16 anyway. When I was 16 many people left home and had jobs at that age. Meigga spoke of her son and 'playtime', but he's 16, not a child, well past 'playtime' obviously er given the kind of lyrics he's been singing. He's at a private school for the privileged few on a bursary which makes his sister think he is 'expendable' compared to richer kids. He could go to college, far better for a young adult IMO where he would meet less prejudice if that is what he is experiencing from this school for the privileged.


I get the sense you want us to say 'yes complain' but I think if you feel strongly enough you will. The fact you have hesitated and written about it here means something makes you hesitate so what is it that makes you hesitate ?

My concern is less for what is happening at school and more for this

My son is crying now ..


All this and my daughter keeps phoning to say that she wants to kill herself ... This business has upset her - she said we are all damaged children that have a defect. She says that we all deserve to have bad things happen. This is not helping at all. My middle daughter who went to the same school as my son said just now

I told you Mum - we get bursaries we are expendable - we don't have the leverage to complain .. Also not helpful

Talk about poisoned arrows...

In the morning you said he felt okay about it, then there were suicide threats and the notion of being 'damaged' and 'flawed'. Good God he's only 16 and has been suspended for a week. Tell him most successful rock stars were expelled from school for a week, he should take it as a badge of honour....or something. I only hope he doesn't hear any of this stuff about suicide or being 'damaged' or he will believe this stuff about being 'doomed' and the last thing you want is a young man feeling doomed. What does his dad think BTW ? With 3 women fretting over him it does seem very much like he could do with a man's perspective. And of course there's pride too. Boys of that age don't want their mothers sticking up for them.

I see what Ash's point was. He's looking at the bigger picture.

The readings ? Well I tend to agree with Ashteroid except 6.5 would indicate it is a good idea to bring this to arbitration, yet 6.4 really doesn't. In the end you have to do what you feel must be done and that is what you will do regardless of what is said here.

To me school is for kids. When one is 16 one is free to walk away from bad places. I always believed that

 

[Tim K]

At 16 I was a first-year student in Bauman's State University.

As Trojina said, I also was worried about your daughter thoughts and an impending doom, that's too much

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you for these points. On the one handy son is pragmatic and positive and cannot understand why there is so much negativity. He was upset last night - more angry actually as he felt as if he was being used as a scapegoat. It is difficult though to see inside someone's head - and the effect of negative images.

I spent ages composing a reply - posted to myself and have just re read it. The danger here is coming across as an emotional mother - where her son can do no wrong. I will be wiped on the carpet by the school. His father is angry - and again this is not useful.

I am therefore sending a short succinct letter - outlining my concerns and also request a meeting. I feel that U have failed my son in that I should have dealt with this before - so I need to get it right Facts need to be out across calmly and clearly - probably when I can stand back and reflect a little

 

[butterfly spider]

Letter sent

Dear ...

Thank you for the letter detailing my son's suspension.

The meeting that I had requested with you several times last term - by email and by phone needs to be arranged as a matter of urgency. I have very serious concerns that need to be raised especially in the light of the recent incident.

I look forward to hearing from you

At the meeting I will have facts and dates and incidents written down and the responses each time by the school.

There are always positive outcomes from negative events - even if they are not obvious at the time. My son does need to know the possible consequences of acting up and being one of the lads - perhaps this will prevent a more serious problem who knows? Ironically this incident has given us a united bond somehow - less Mother and son more talking adults ..

I did teach all my children at home until they were 11 - so my son does have the choice. He said that he would rather set out across the Atlantic on his canoe - so that was a no I think. We do get on very well and this incident has highlighted other matters completely unrelated that he is worried about. I thought they would be the big life issues - but they are small niggling things of which I had no idea.

We're going climbing today - always good for bonding I think


Quick update --- just had a very informal response asking me to see them during the holiday next week. First names - friendly.

How will this meeting go?
28.234 to 8

Not a bad casting really

Will keep you all posted and my very warm thanks to everyone. I also hope that others can benefit from this scenario

 

[butterfly spider]

Interesting background information on this - will post update in due course

 

[butterfly spider]

Went to the meeting
It was an utter waste if my time and energy

 

[butterfly spider]

This is not a life-threatening issue but has had an impact on not only my son but the rest of the family

 

[butterfly spider]

33.136 to 3

Would appreciate your responses to 2
What to so here how to fope

 

[Tim K]

33.1.3.6 → 17

Well as previous readings say (two starting with h6), retreat from the battle.
Nothing to do. Accept it somehow and move on.

Your daughters pessimistic views on life scare me.
Blaming others, blaming life, victim mentality ... wow.
They definitely need to at least watch BBC's film on India's or Brazil's slums.

Cheer up, if you don't accept something or hate or fear it will keep coming back.
Blaming others and life is destructive. Love life - and it will love you back. Find positive moments.

 

[butterfly spider]

I understand what you are saying but that is difficult at times