How to survive very angry mother

[Reflections]

Dear fellow forumfriends,

A while ago I posted my first question here. But even without my first question, this forum has been a guidance in my life for a long time and I am amazed by the wisdom I can find here. I don't feel confident enough yet to interpret other people's readings, maybe one day I will, but I do follow them a lot. For now, I have one question I cannot seem to get my mind around.

To make a very long story short.
My mother is old and weak and very proud and has been very angry often. She divorced my father and was always fighting with my sister, now my sister just broke contact with my mother and I have always been in the middle and tried to stay and be there for my mother as much as I can. Now, as my sister broke with her, her wildest fears have come true and she is in a rage, panicking maybe. She wants to move now and has had such a tantrum last week towards me, because she expects i am going to do that for her, the moving. Because of her rage, she hang up on me, I shake all the time and feel lots of panic and pain and guilt, which i know it is ridiculous. I did talk to friends about it as well. I know that she thinks it is really her right to do so and to scream at me because she is weak and alone. "As she has nobody else to scream at"

I don't want to feel like a victim but I do, as she only tells me what a bad daughter I am for not calling her on time, for not liking it for her that she moves, for etc. etc. And I am there for her, just not as much as she wants to. She throws everything she did for me in my face, she screams that we all leave her alone. The problem is, my heart breaks for her but I can't do a thing. I said that i am not my sister. But I also don't want to break with her but I can't be around her now. And for helping her, there is noone to help me. My brother and sister and father have left her. I feel totally scared and overwhelmed, even a friend of mine wanted to help her move. As I don't have many resources like a car or a husband (-;. And And she is so hard to help. And I almost collapse when she is so in a rage and destructive. I do however feel guilty for resenting to help her, but as she is very hard to be around I am kind of stuck. So I asked the Iching, what do I have to do about this situation to get some peace?

And i received hex. 6.3> 44.

My guess is, be spontanious, don't try to control things, so maybe wait till I feel stronger and contact her again?

Thanks a lot if anyone would like to shine their light on this one... it feels quite dark.
And didn't Lise mentioned something about 44 being also the strength of a woman?

Noad

 

[bamboo]

www.outofthefog.net

This site might help you; there is a forum for discussion there, too. Look at the list of criteria for Borderline Personality.

It sounds like it is impossible for you to satisfy your mom, and her behavior makes you feel crazy. It is not your fault. I think your reading suggests seeking help from those who understand this kind of scenario, and suggests hope for learning to deal with this powerfully negative personality .

You might also benefit from the book "Understanding Your Borderline Mother" It is a wonderful book, very helpful.

All the best to you.

 

[Reflections]

Thanks a lot Bamboo, for your understanding and kind words. I still have to find the thankyou button

I indeed was thinking about seeking help from professionals, I saw a group in my neighbourhood about how to deal with psychiatrically challenged parents. But even admitting that she is not normal is hard for me. But i have to face it. I get a lot of well meaning advice from friends, but it is all based on parents you can actually talk to. This is not the case here. So thank you for the link and the recognition and validation of this problem. It encourages me to seek help and do something about it for myself. It does make me sick.

Noad

 

[Reflections]

Ps And it is true that I need hope that I will be able to deal with this as well, as to it will be respectful for her and safe for me, without panic attacks. As I did everything in my power (and I am quite creative (- and I just not seem to learn how to deal with this... so thanks again for the hope that you see as well. It is the strength of 44 that lies behind it no?

 

[Reflections]

Ps 2
I just saw a brilliant quote on the net of the book you mentioned: Understanding the Borderline Mother:

“The Queen's children must allow her the right to self-destruct while exerting their right to protect themselves.”

 

[bamboo]

Love that quote! I was actually suspecting it is the borderline Witch in particular that you are dealing with but the queen is applicable too.
There is nothing more difficult than acknowledging that our parent is not 'normal" or that that they are even malevolent. It is so difficult for a child of any age to do that. But you are well on your way and dont feel guilty or ashamed. you can still love her...even as you learn to protect yourself, and keep a safe distance emotionally.

Be well!

 

[moss elk]

noad,

I too have a very 'mean' , aw let us just say it: Abusive Mother
and sometimes when she goes into those states at times, if I am around her I feel like a dogs chew toy.
Not a pleasant experience in any way. It hurts.

How does it feel to be abused? it hurts.
Your siblings may have made the best decision.

on line 3 Legge says:
Here the line is magnetic in a dynamic place and thus unequal to the stress of the matter at hand. She withdraws from the arena, and even if forced into action she will stay safely in the background. "She keeps in the old place assigned for her support" literally means: "She eats her own virtue." That is, she nourishes herself on her own natural endowment and does not contend for more than that.

When we care about someone we want to help them. Allowing yourself to be a chew toy does not help her in any way. And it doesnt help you, it hurts you. Martyrdom has been overrated for thousands of years.

When I withdraw from my mother, I feel lots of guilt. mostly because she says things to make try to make me feel guilty. And I think things like, " A son is supposed to love and honor his parents"
In an ideal sense, yes. but in the reality i live in, having the mother the way she really is, 'idealic' innocent openly affectionate ways do not work. They just set me up to be a target of abuse. Admitting to myself that my mother is the way she is was one of the most painful things i ever had to do. But in doing so, I am liberated.

I once asked Yi about a recreational drug i was in the habit of using, and got 44
"One should not marry such a maiden" consider this.
She needs proffesional help, and even if you were a conselor, I dont think conselors/psychologists ever put themselves in the positon of treating their own parents.

I feel your pain. Nurture, care for Yourself.
Best wishes.

 

[qafinaf]

Hi Noad and Moss Elk and all,

The issue of guilt stood out for me:

When I withdraw from my mother, I feel lots of guilt. mostly because she says things to make try to make me feel guilty. And I think things like, " A son is supposed to love and honor his parents"

And I would just like to question whether it's possible to act in a truly honoring and loving way when guilt is at the basis. What would it look like to come from a place of true love and honor, rather than a sense of "I should..."?

By the way, I do think your desire to find healing and resolution is very loving and honoring. So thank you!

 

[Reflections]

Thank you for your understanding, both and for feeling my pain at this painful time, Aurelus,

Love this statement of yours and I will keep it in mind:

"Allowing yourself to be a chew toy does not help her in any way. And it doesnt help you, it hurts you. Martyrdom has been overrated for thousands of years."

And yes Bamboo, I was choosing between witch and queen, it is a bit of both. I already ordered the book online. And, I did phone the woman who leads a support group today! Encouraged by your reply.
It was amazing, she understood everything and she will connect me to some more assistance.
It is so amazing to me that I choose to be helped now myself, in this very shameful (initally) and most painful subject of my life. It is funny, I said I have trouble calling her a psychiatrically disturbed person, so this woman said: "Yes, that is why I call them "difficult people" when they are not officially diagnosed. I liked that word. Anyway, she was so understanding, I was amazed to find it in the "normal" world. I even don't have to pay... I am in awe at the moment. And finally... I am ready to face this pain.

Thanks again guys for triggering this new road.
Noad

 

[Reflections]

Oh sorry, I also was talking to Moss Elk also.. I thought it was all one person, I still have to get used to this forum... so.. Moss Elk, Thank you too for your understanding, the quote I mentioned was from you! You know what I am talking about. It warms my heart. Chew toy made me giggle a little bit.
Nurture myself, thankyou, only the idea brings tears to my eyes. And I wish this for you too.
Noad.

 

[moss elk]

Aureolus,

Thanks for commenting on the guilt factor.
The love and kindness i express towards my 'difficult' mother does not come from a place of guilt.
The guilty feeling may happen when I am nurturing myself, by withdrawing from her attacks.
(It is a self critical streak, it uses her words, and I'm working on it and having successes)

Let me just add something that has been helping to improve things in my life, with my mother:
When she is rational and engaged and sometimes even kind, I give freely to her.
When she is beligerant and 'attacking' I immediately go into Diplomatic mode speaking clearly and resolutely (not meanly) and thereby make her aware that she isnt going to accomplish anything by continuing the behaviours. (I channel my best Captain Jean Luc Picard) I do not smile and try to please her as a child would naturally do.

Noad, you do not necessarily have to break off completely from her,
But never forget that she can be volatile. I think of Hexagram 43 Resolutness line 2: Siu: The man remains alert to unseen dangers at all times. Hostile measures against him will fail even at night because of his guarded alertness. It is wonderful that you've found a support group for this issue, I think it will be immensely helpful.

 

[qafinaf]

Thank you, Moss Elk and Noad and all.

I've thought about my remarks about guilt since yesterday and hope that they didn't come across as critical. I just wanted to question the idea that honoring parents means neglecting oneself. And to suggest that loving and honoring oneself is a way of loving and honoring others.

Also, about nurturing oneself: the traditional idea of Mother is of the nurturer and caregiver. And we all have those motherly qualities inside of us. If our human mother isn't able to give us that kind of love, it doesn't mean we are not worthy of it or there's something wrong with us. But it does probably mean we have to learn to give nurturing love and care to ourselves. Be a mother to ourselves. When we can offer this for ourselves, I believe, we can better offer it to others.

I cast the I Ching this morning about something I was feeling and received 18.2 "Correcting what has been spoiled by the mother, one must not be too persevering." I take this to mean don't be too strict, rigid or severe or pushy in dealing with imbalances in care and nurturing. Neither hard on oneself or on others.

Peace.

 

[blue_angel]

Hi Noad and everyone,

There is a healing exercise, I can not remember where it originates from. It helps me to think of it from time to time, so I decided to post it the best I can remember. If you recognize it, please correct me, and also remind me where it comes from.

The exercise is better read from someone else while you close your eyes and visualize... "you are in a cozy, dim room, sitting on the edge of a bed, comforting a friend. Your friend is sick, so naturally you are there for her, to take care of her. You bring her soup and tea. You fluff her pillow. You cover her when she's cold. You might softly caress her hair, or gently rub her back. When your friend turns over to look at you, you realize the friend is you..."

I almost didn't respond to this post because I was in fear of feeling like a bare baby. Completely vulnerable and naked. I've read it over and over again, coming back every time someone had a new post. I've felt anxiety, fear, I've cried. Feelings I have smothered for some time now.

Noad, when I first read your post, I thought you were my sister, in disguise. She's married though, so I guess you can not be her. I felt extreme guilt as I always have, because I owe to my sister the shared responsibility of mother. The thing is mother is not physically or emotionally safe for me, so for to survive, and heal in more ways than one, for me to be balanced, have my sanity, I have ran so far from mother, there is an ocean between us. I do not feel guilty about that. I only feel guilty when it comes to my sister. But I have asked and offered for my sister to come with me, knowing she won't ever. Sometimes I think of her as being so much stronger than me. Even though I am the oldest. I have at times cut my mother off completely but not ever
forever, because I do love her, and wish her well. During holidays I send
her a short message, letting her know I am thinking of her, I wish her
happiness, and I love her. That's all I feel safe with. I have studied and
studied personality disorders hoping I could find a way, a cure, even
though I know mother won't be willing to get help, therapy, or
treatment. Even if there was a cure, because mother believes she is
perfect, it is everyone else that is wrong and messed up. I too share your
pain and send my heart out to you. Its amazing, I found this site
originally on a spiritual journey to heal all of these old wounds, and
although I have grown and healed quite a lot, my own healing seems
never ending, and at times I have used this forum to cover the wounds,
suffocate them if you will, or even distract myself from them. Shame pouring over me now... Thank you for being so brave. I wish you the
very best on your path and journey to healing.

Bamboo,

Thank you so much for sharing your information with Noad, and all of us, I am thinking it is extremely useful information that can and will help so many of us. Sometimes it feels like we are in the right place at the right time, sometimes it feels like if we search fo something long enough, eventually when we aren't even looking, the universe will hand it to us, and sometimes it is a feeling of "ah" to know we truly are not alone, we connect with many others in more way than one.

Blue_Angel

 

[anemos]

i try to gather a couple of words to say how deeply this thread has touch me but I can't find them.

I read about difficulties, struggles, pain.... but what emanates and what my heart feels is warmth , love and caring.

I think what Bamboo said "its not your fault" its a useful reminder and I want to believe that if your mothers would't face that problem and you were go to them for an advice on how to handle such a person in your life, would tell you to take care of yourself, be happy, be safe and kind to yourself.

my best wishes on your journey

 

[bamboo]

Blue-angel :bows:

Today I watched a video online about a baby elephant who actually cried (!) for hours because his mother rejected him and tried to kill him after birth. The mammal's connection to mother is so important to our well-being.....no wonder it is often an ongoing life-long journey to heal and care for self when that connection has been damaged or hurtful...

but the journey is worth it in so many ways.

I celebrate you all for your courage:hugs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQO9WMOF8U8

 

[Reflections]

Thank you Bamboo! (where is this button..)
I received your adviced book in the mail today "Understanding your borderline mother. Woooh!
And thankyou again for encouraging with your wisdom and warmth about this subject!

Dear Blue Angel,

Also thankyou for your post, a heart felt thankyou. I felt at first very embarrassed to post this story and I am amazed that there are so many warm replies, that you can relate, I still feel shame about the issue, have the tendency to delete my posts, so no-one knows I am struggling with this, but the understanding here is amazing and your post keeps me from doing this.

It is also about the courage to protect yourself, in the face of a needy hopeless parent, I am not talking about breaking completely by the way, I would not have this (practical) problem if I would totally stop seeing her. But I think everyone who struggles with this knows the shame surrounding it. That is why i love meeting other souls like you.

And Anemous,
Thankyou as well for your post. It is true: "It is not your fault" is like the basic thing that underlies it all. I have to say "I love You" to myself a thousand times after the attack of my mother happened, and than still, I fall into guilt by default for not helping her,.. it is quite primal (like the elephant Bamboo!) It is just quite strange, how actively i have to constantly re initiate some sort of love-myself action on purpose, after my mothers attack. Even though intellectually I think it is overdone..emotionally it helps (-; Maybe loving yourself is a little bit harder if your mother does not, or does but can't show it, has problems herself, is unpredictable and not safe. It is also that I don't trust my own ability to love others, as my love apparently makes my first object of affection so very very angry... I wonder if this love for others and self love goes by itself normally for others...

Anyway, Love (-; Noad.

 

[Reflections]

And Bleu Angel, I so incredibly relate to this: "My mother won't be willing to get help, therapy, or
treatment. Even if there was a cure, because mother believes she is perfect, it is everyone else that is wrong and messed up." She actually told me that, in her last rage. That is also why I shamefully admit that I think silently there is something wrong with her myself... and I am not proud of thinking that. But I do feel some sickness there... and am very afraid of becoming like her.

And I don''t know about my sister but it seems that she does not feel guilty at all about not sharing any responsibility for taking care of my mother, she is having a family of her own and being cool for "having boundaries", I never see her, her feelings and authority have always been taken seriously by my father and mother, they are almost afraid of her and her drama. i was always the wise neutral one above it. I did not want to add to all these fights around me (divorced etc) and felt I had no character for not being outspoken like my (6 year older) sister and parents. I actually envied their rage (-; Have to find my own boundaries as well without judging...

Love, Noad

 

[bamboo]

dear Noad, I am so happy you didnt delete your posts, tho I can completely understand the shame in this kind of issue. That shame is the biggest roadblock. I heard that when Christina Crawford wrote "mommie Dearest", she practically folded in shame when she was denounced by fans of her mother. (I think I actually read that in the book you just bought)..

In case it is helpful...another wonderful resource is cd set : Warming the Stone Child: Myths and Stories about Abandonment and The Unmothered Child by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes. This is a beautiful set of CDs that have a treasure trove of beautiful loving encouragement

 

[sooo]

On a whimsical note, mother is where you find her. I find parts of my mother that were missing, alive and well in the natural world, or in a caring friend, or sometimes just a caring word. And which mother surrogates for which? My mother is herself a child of nature.