long term relationship

[oceanic]

I used the I ching to ask about what my partner wants from our relationship long term and got hexagram 34 no changing lines- great power. Does this mean he is only interested in the power and prestige our relationship conveys on him (he is younger than me, I am much wealthier than he is,) or that the relationship empowers him...? Advice appreciated.
Dakini :bows:

 

[elias]

It's always best to assume IC is talking to You about You.

Great Power: You have a great deal of power in this situation. The question then becomes your use of power -- beneficially and to the good of everyone, or misdirected in all the many possible ways...

There may be a need to clarify your own motives, and perhaps clear the air with your partner. The fact that you're asking such a question suggests some uncertainty and possibly suspicion, or even an issue of projecting your anxieties on your partner. (You might ask what you gain from this relationship.)

"Great power is used by not using it." With inner discipline and clarification, external issues correct themselves.

 

[oceanic]

Elias thank you. You are right there is some suspicion and anxiety here. My partner is Sri Lankan and we lived together in India for some months as husband and wife, very happily, after he asked me to marry him and I had accepted in Sri Lanka some months earlier. When I returned to Sri Lanka with him, he went to the family home in the countryside while I finished some work in the city. The family closed down around him. I expected problems when I found out he had lied to them in order to come to stay with me in India for some months. However, it was very painful. He would not speak with me, or meet me and explain, and then I got so upset I came back home to Europe 2 and half months ago. I am still here. Since I came back he has resumed communications, and is begging me to return. He explained he was afraid of my anger, of how I would be if we met when I was still upset. This fear of expressed negative emotions is very culturally specific to his community- rural Buddhist Sri Lankans. I was very angry and devastated too, but would never had made a public display of it which is harmful, however being a westerner, I do say how I feel.

Now I am in the process of establishing a social enterprise across Europe and Asia ( with other people ), and wonder if it's that he is interested in having a stake in, rather than me. This is my core anxiety. But when we are in each other's company our differences melt away and we are very happy. When we talk on the phone, albeit briefly, there seems to be a lot of love there still. I am able to speak some of his language and vice versa. I am now having intensive classes.

Normally I would drop someone who had hurt me like this, but I am aware that I am still not sure why what happened has happened, and what it is he wants from me now he has resumed communication. I did the I Ching again about how I should proceed and got 61-30. It seems the I Ching is tellling me to continue to try and get to the truth, and the inner truth of my motivation, my deepest feelings. Our original plan was to go into business together as a married couple, to benefit his community and mine. The resulting hexagram 30 seems to be suggesting that is still possible.

Thank you for your time elias.

 

[elias]

There have been several accounts of western women and east Asian men through here since I have been on. I confess I find them baffling and fascinating.

Setting the IC aside-- what would any relationship counselor suggest about this situation? If the man privileges his family above you now, what reasonable expectation do you have in changing his behavior later? Does he have the expertise or capital to reasonably contribute to your business venture? If yes, perhaps keeping things on a business model might be the way to maintain contact as the relationship issues settle. If not, perhaps keeping him totally clear of the business should you elect to maintain a personal relationship.

61: "You know what the problem is" (Anthony's title for this hex). All the changing lines point to the need to get clear of the ego's wants and working on inner discipline and correctness. This will be perceived in others, and they will begin to relate to you more properly.

30: Having done the necessary work of 61, you are able to gain a clear perspective on the situation and make better decisions on how to proceed.

No quick or easy answers -- when are there ever with matters of the heart?

--best!

 

[cristal]

I am reading every post I can to understand how to interpret my own. I would interpret this, like you have to be clear and allow the truth about him, the truth means accepting his culture that is hm., You can not rob a person from what is his background. If there is love we all have to give up some part of us, maybe hex 34 great power, means he feels that great power that s love to be with you but you need like everybody that love to dont pretent to make him somebody that he is not. Cultural family relationship in every country are part of who we are, then when we are with somebody from any country this is their background, we must see this truth. The great power of love is there, now, it should be how to accomodate to each other, it means finding the middle way. Finding a creative way to deal with the relationship. Of course he wants your power, Iw as too married with a younger man, one of the things he was attracted to me was that he feels I could be a strong companion for him and everybody intelligent want that. From other side, also you benefit from him being younger, then is a balanced situation. Sometimes we are forced to lie and maybe setting expectations and building a strong communication is important, probablyn more important when we belong to different cultures.

 

[oceanic]

developments

Elias wrote

'61: "You know what the problem is" (Anthony's title for this hex). All the changing lines point to the need to get clear of the ego's wants and working on inner discipline and correctness. This will be perceived in others, and they will begin to relate to you more properly.

30: Having done the necessary work of 61, you are able to gain a clear perspective on the situation and make better decisions on how to proceed.
No quick or easy answers -- when are there ever with matters of the heart?
--best!'

This interpretation makes a lot of sense to me. I asked again about what the next 6 months will bring, just yesterday, and got 17.6 - 25. My ex-'husband to be' and I are both Buddhists. We met when I was on a pilgrimage in Sri Lanka. My business is a right livelihood business, offering coaching, workshops and retreats, with profits being invested in social change projects in the communites where we will host our activities in Europe and South Asia. I am a psychologist, and although highly skilled at helping others over many years, have my own blind spots in intimate relationships at times. Don't we all?

Anyway, I am continuing with the whole enterprise while he has reverted to managing his family's farmland in the mountains of Sri Lanka. He also has mining companies interested in his land to mine gem stones, so he is not poor! He is also trained as a chef having graduated from catering college some years ago. He is very talented.

In meditaion, I have seen that I am at risk of colluding with the dream he seems to be holding on to, that we can be together, by not asking him direct questions about what he wants and what has happened, in line with my values. I am now gently posing these questions in his own language, affectionately, but in writing to give him a chance to reflect. I await the results, and in the meantime I am working on letting go of all expectations, and focusing on setting up my new business with my other business partners. This change of focus is bringing me some peace.

Thank you both for your kind words.

 

[oceanic]

ultimate future

Just to say I asked again about the ultimate future of this relationship- where is it heading? This is question I had been afraid to ask, AGAIN I got 34, but not static, now changing to 30. I think this is an auspicious reading, and that slowly we can move into some shared life, but it may not be as we originally envisaged.

Thanks again. Now I will start to read others interpretations, and questions, and share my thoughts when appropriate.