My birthday......

[banjara]

*sigh* Another one........


Anyway..... hubby moved out on 1 April into his own place (no April Fool). We didn't tell our 8 yr old son because he had end of year exams coming up. We just told him his father had to move into the hotel he works at for holiday cover.

It is my birthday on Wednesday and the little guy has been planning a surprise cake etc with his childminder. Apparently he wants his father to join us as well and has been discussing it over the phone with him. Hubby has called the childminder and arranged to send all sorts of goodies from the hotel.

For me, it is going to be a difficult day as the pain is still very raw. In fact I still have last year's card that he wrote on "My best years began since I met you. With every passing year I have come to love you more......" and so on. I simply want to create fresh memories with the little guy and get the day over with. I don't see why I should be forced to play happy families with hubby when he is fresh off the plane from a weekend with 'her' (seriously!).

Yet I am told by the childminder the little guy is really missing his father and was so excited by the preparations they had made. Hubby texted me to ask if he could come for LG's sake as he has been such a sweetheart to make a special day for me and it will make him happy. I said I didn't think it appropriate etc and would give LG some false hope that all is well between us, right before he has to tell him we are separated.

I am so torn. I asked I Ching "What would happen if I allow X to come celebrate my birthday" and got Hexagram 41, line 2, relating hex 27.

Any thoughts?

Banjara



PS I had to laugh at Hilary's Key Question "Why would you want to make such an offering?" It was just as if my girlfriends had said it!

Maybe that is the answer but what of 27 in relation to my question?

 

[icastes]

41-2 basically means let events unfold on their own. Don't do anything to enhance or detract from these events. So, just let the situation go on the way it goes. 41 is a decrease, but one that promises a gain later on. While things may not go the way you want now, later things will be better. 27's nourishment can be both good and bad. If you eat good food, it will help you; if you eat bad food, it will hurt you. So watch what you eat is the message. Be careful of what you say and do. Do not be impulsive. Careless words are especially bad, and will bring you misfortune. Work in cooperation with the boy, and things ought to work out well.

 

[bamboo]

41.2 is an increase within the context of decreasing. It could signify that you would put aside yours and your ex's overall plan ( to split, telling your son) and simply allow your little one the needed comfort. No need for you to play a role, but just allow the shared celebration. Karcher says " chastising closes the way, this diminishes nothing, it augments it"

since you will be soon telling your son, it is, imho, best to lay the foundation by allowing him to have you both together at peace for this event. In the best interests of the child, your relationship in the future would ideally also be this way. as hard as it may be at times.

I wish you a very happy birthday!! even tho i suggest the reading says to allow your husband, I do not minimize the hurt you feel. and it would certainly be undestandable if you could not, for your peace of mind, allow him to come. I suppose 41.2 could actually be seen both ways

 

[banjara]

Thank you Icastes and Bamboo for your insight. Your posts certainly make a lot of sense.


I have left it as it is so far, ie the last text which was asking him not to come.

The fact is though I am missing him terribly today as a knew I would. He called to wish me but I was in assembly and couldn't take the call. In the end he sent me a text. A part of me wants to just call and invite him over, yet my more sensible side says to leave well alone.

I did another reading today and asked "What would happen if I left things as they are and X did not join us for my birthday this evening?" and got hexagram 51, line 6, relating hex 21.

I have had hex 51 before relating to my discovery of his affair and am still reeling from it so this is worrying me. I don't think I have the strength to go through it again so soon but it certainly describes how unsettled I am feeling today, that this is reality and the way things are to be if this separation is made permanent.

Line 6.....‘Shock twists and turns,
Watching in fear and terror,
Setting out to bring order: pitfall.
The shock does not reach your self, it reaches your neighbour –
No mistake. There are words of marital alliance.’

 

[banjara]

I am beginning to wonder about this line 6......

Shock twists and turns, watching in fear and terror
This isn't my shock is it?.... 'watching'

Setting out to bring order: pitfall
Could this mean calling to invite him would be wrong and weaken my position?

The shock does not reach yourself, it reaches your neighbour
Is he the neighbour? I hear from his sister he has been affected by my wanting him to give me space and have not returned many calls or texts. He is also missing his son terribly.

No mistake. There are words of marital alliance.
Not sure about the 'marital alliance' bit


It was his decision to leave the family and follow his own road. He said he just wanted to be free and live life on his own terms, seeing where life took him. Yet I hear from his sister he is quite affected by the way things have turned out. Up until he left I had been keeping a lid on my own emotions and making it easier for him and his conscience. Then when he left he was expecting it to all carry on in the same manner and even talked of us visiting him in his own place. I then told him I was hurting too deeply and asked him to give me space and time to grieve. He has now gone from saying '.....what you are going through' to '.....what we are going through'. I think this is the shock hex 51 is referring to.

Any other thoughts are welcome........

 

[goddessliss]

It was his decision to leave the family and follow his own road. He said he just wanted to be free and live life on his own terms, seeing where life took him. Yet I hear from his sister he is quite affected by the way things have turned out. Up until he left I had been keeping a lid on my own emotions and making it easier for him and his conscience. Then when he left he was expecting it to all carry on in the same manner and even talked of us visiting him in his own place. I then told him I was hurting too deeply and asked him to give me space and time to grieve. He has now gone from saying '.....what you are going through' to '.....what we are going through'. I think this is the shock hex 51 is referring to.
Hey banjara,
I have nothing to add to the interpretation but would like to share my story - I lived through a similar shocking experiencing though not quite the same with my now exhusband but I chose not to have any contact with him whatsoever, although my children were old enough to communicate with him themselves. However, I did accept one phone call off him in these 2 and a bit years which is about 18 months ago and right at the beginning of the phone call I said we will talk about the subject matter(which was school fees) and nothing personal, but of course he couldn't help but go there and I just said I am hanging up now and hung up. He did attempt to contact me again about 10 months ago but I would not take the phone call.
This banjara, was not ever out of spite but out of self preservation and I believe it is the best decision I ever made.
He too has suffered, so I have heard via a number of people, from the decision he made. Me too and my children but I just got through it as best as I could and kept building my strength from the inside out and did my best not to blame him but looked at my responsibility in the breakdown of marriage.
I haven't much liked what I have learnt about myself but it has certainly allowed me to grow in myself and create a more fulfilling life.
If not for the help of others on this particular site I don't know how I would have got through it and I am just coming to the other side now.
I feel for you banjara - many blessings Liss xx