My first 3 readings - forbidden love I'm in

[SuzanneB]

Hi everyone,
I'm new on this forum and I've been interested and using the I Ching on and off for about a year now. Only recently I was drawn back to it because I feel the need for some guidance. My first questions were about a relationship situation I'm in currently.

Long story short - I'm madly in love with the partner of a good friend, and he answers my feelings. It's a situation neither of us want to be in but we feel drawn to each other in some irresistible electric way. He's not altogether happy with his partner, even before the feelings grew between us he had been doubting his relationship for quite a while. But neither of them are great decision-makers so this has been simmering for a long time. I find myself hoping their relationship will come to an end, even though I really dislike myself for it. The last time I saw him, he told me that he does not see a future for us together, even if he were to split up with his partner. Needless to say, I was heartbroken to hear this and am grieving for what probably will never be. We decided to not see each other for the month of October, to let things settle a bit. I'll likely see him this weekend, there is an event we are both attending. I can't help but still cherishing some hope that he will change his mind, that things will be different sooner or later. I simply can't let him go because I'm too confused.

So, I asked I Ching some questions:
- What can you tell me about the situation between me & R?
5 1.2.4 (Waiting) > 31 (Influence)
This was a total Aha-moment and a confirmation for me that it's not completely bonkers to use a method like I Ching . Waiting / having patience is exactly the situation I'm in, I feel like I need to have endless patience for the issue to move on. Hexagram Influence mentions the mutual attraction. Well, this is certainly true. I can't seem to find any advice in this reading, just a statement of how things are at the moment.

- How should I go about re-establishing the contact between us after this period of silence?
36.5 (Brightness hiding) > 63 (After completion)
Does this tell me simply to extend our distance a bit longer, until the situation is more favorable? What exactly is the relationship between the primary and relating hexagrams, does the latter point to the future?

And finally;
- What is the potential in the relationship between me & R?
35.5 (Advancing) > 12 (Blocked)
This seems to be quite positive and then very negative. I don't know what to make of it.


I'm using the Wilhelm translation, which I find is quite dense and sometimes hard to grasp. Therefore I'm a bit lost reading and interpreting what I find.

What are your thoughts on the above readings? Any insights greatly appreciated, thank you!

 

[diamanda]

Hi Suzanne and welcome,

What can you tell me about the situation between me & R? 5.1.2.4 > 31
As you said, this is a statement of how things are right now. Waiting, and there's definitely attraction.

How should I go about re-establishing the contact between us after this period of silence? 36.5 > 63
Pretend like everything is as normal. Or, he is pretending everything's just normal.
The feeling of 'imprisonment' will soon end.

What is the potential in the relationship between me & R? 35.5 > 12
Just go for it, act, don't think too long-term at this stage as the situation is yet to develop.
And/or he will make a move towards you, not sure who makes the move here.

Combining the two last questions/answers, there's no need to re-establish anything as he already feels the same about you. And one/both of you will make a move soon. As about advice, a good question I can think of is "how is best for me to act towards him, at this event?".

 

[Trojina]

Long story short - I'm madly in love with the partner of a good friend, and he answers my feelings.

What you say is contradictory on so many levels.

1. Is this really still a 'good friend' and if so are you willing to completely lose this friendship ?
2. You say he answers your feelings but tell us in the next paragraph

The last time I saw him, he told me that he does not see a future for us together, even if he were to split up with his partner.

So that is pretty clear, why don't you believe him ?

Needless to say, I was heartbroken to hear this and am grieving for what probably will never be. We decided to not see each other for the month of October, to let things settle a bit.

'decided not to see each other for the month of October' ? But he has already said he doesn't see a future together so why is it just for October ?

I'll likely see him this weekend, there is an event we are both attending. I can't help but still cherishing some hope that he will change his mind, that things will be different sooner or later. I simply can't let him go because I'm too confused.

It's not really so confusing. You cannot be with him at all while he is still with his current partner unless you want to go ahead and betray her in the most awful way a friend can betray another friend. Think of her feelings when she finds out what has been happening behind her back. Not only will she have lost her partner but also you. Even if he has told you she isn't keen on continuing with him until they actually split you are simply making more pain for everyone if you try to go ahead with him while she is still his partner. You make more pain for yourself because you don't really have anything, she is still his partner and you are left waiting, playing second fiddle, waiting on his choices and this is after he told you he doesn't see you two together anyway.

So, I asked I Ching some questions:
- What can you tell me about the situation between me & R?
5 1.2.4 (Waiting) > 31 (Influence)
This was a total Aha-moment and a confirmation for me that it's not completely bonkers to use a method like I Ching . Waiting / having patience is exactly the situation I'm in, I feel like I need to have endless patience for the issue to move on. Hexagram Influence mentions the mutual attraction. Well, this is certainly true. I can't seem to find any advice in this reading, just a statement of how things are at the moment

.

I don't think the reading says you need endless patience to move on. I think lines 1 and 2 show waiting in great uncertainty. 'Small words' are said, this is like rumours, gossip which I think here refers to the discussions between you and him, they don't amount to very much. Line 4 tells you clearly to get out of the pit ! It is telling you not to wait in a place where you get more and more injured.

31, as the context, would show the influence between you and him. I think it is a statement of how things are with one big fat warning in line 4 not to be waiting in a bloody pit and the bloody pit is waiting for a man who is

a) told you he doesn't see you together
b) is with someone else

and

c) you stand to lose your friendship with her if you betray her
d) you stand to lose both of them if they don't really plan to split up and they will likely join forces against you which may be reflected somewhat in 5.1.and 5.2.

I don't know that they will join forces against you of course but it is quite common, if he wants an exit from you that he may say to her that it was you coming on to him etc etc

- How should I go about re-establishing the contact between us after this period of silence?
36.5 (Brightness hiding) > 63 (After completion)
Does this tell me simply to extend our distance a bit longer, until the situation is more favorable? What exactly is the relationship between the primary and relating hexagrams, does the latter point to the future?

In 36.5 one hides the truth through a pretence of madness or not knowing. I guess as a direct answer it suggests you sort of act the innocent, which it looks like you will do anyway as if you had no real intent. In other words you cloak your intent. To me it looks more like apicture of how you might act when you do actually meet him. The relating hexagram is not the future alone, it is the entire backdrop and context of the question.

And finally;
- What is the potential in the relationship between me & R?
35.5 (Advancing) > 12 (Blocked)
This seems to be quite positive and then very negative. I don't know what to make of it.

Most often this line seems to be a very kind consolation that what you have lost you really won't mind in time to come. You are advised to really not mind winning or losing, not to take gain or loss to heart. As I said in practise this is like where someone might say to a disappointed friend 'you win some you lose some, let it go'. My feeling is you have lost him therefore.

I could be wrong of course but I do see you walking into a huge amount of pain if you go with waiting and trying to be with him whilst he is still with her. At best I would say wait until he is single then

a) he will be more fully yours, you will be more secure (if he changes his mind and wants to be with you)
b) you won't have betrayed, hurt and lost your friend

I'm using the Wilhelm translation, which I find is quite dense and sometimes hard to grasp.

Try Hilary Barrett's book which is linked to somewhere on the site.

 

[SuzanneB]

What you say is contradictory on so many levels.

1. Is this really still a 'good friend' and if so are you willing to completely lose this friendship ?
2. You say he answers your feelings but tell us in the next paragraph



So that is pretty clear, why don't you believe him ?

'decided not to see each other for the month of October' ? But he has already said he doesn't see a future together so why is it just for October ?


.

Thank you for your extensive thoughts. I'm going to ponder over your explanation of my reading for a while. As to your questions:

- Yes, she is a good friend. The feelings between me and her partner came as quite a surprise. Nothing substantial happened between me and her partner. We both felt the temptation and attraction, and fell into long hugs sometimes. We have had long conversations and he can be quite flirty sometimes.
- He has literally said that he loves me. However I'm thinking his feelings must not be going as strong / deep as he quite clearly rejected me. He wants to still be friends though, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do that. I feel so heartbroken.
- Not seeing each other for a month was due to the fact that he still wants to meet as friends. But we decided to not do any of that during October to hopefully let the feelings abate a little.

 

[SuzanneB]

Hi Suzanne and welcome,

What can you tell me about the situation between me & R? 5.1.2.4 > 31
As you said, this is a statement of how things are right now. Waiting, and there's definitely attraction.

How should I go about re-establishing the contact between us after this period of silence? 36.5 > 63
Pretend like everything is as normal. Or, he is pretending everything's just normal.
The feeling of 'imprisonment' will soon end.

What is the potential in the relationship between me & R? 35.5 > 12
Just go for it, act, don't think too long-term at this stage as the situation is yet to develop.
And/or he will make a move towards you, not sure who makes the move here.

Combining the two last questions/answers, there's no need to re-establish anything as he already feels the same about you. And one/both of you will make a move soon. As about advice, a good question I can think of is "how is best for me to act towards him, at this event?".

Thank you, the last question is exactly what I asked two days ago, and I got: 8 1.3.6 (stand by) - 37 (Family). No. 8 is translated in my book as 'Seeking Union', which I interpreted as it being ok to be in contact again, provided I respect his position in the 'Family' he's in at the moment. But as I said I'm a total beginner in interpreting the hexagrams so I could be totally off.

Just for ht hell of it I also asked the question: "Will he ever change his mind regarding a future with me?" I got 11.5 (Flow) - 5 (Waiting). I think this result is more in line with what you said about the other readings. I read it as a strong: "Yes, but you must wait"


Nevertheless I saw him last night, and I was overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, grief, loss. I know that if I will keep seeing him in a friendship, I will continue to cling on to him, cast readings like mad, and wait for any sign of his to indicate he's changing his mind. So I'm sort of considering to break contact with him altogether, to get myself out of the toxic situation and to heal my own feelings. I'm not sure if I'm ready to cut all ties though...

 

[diamanda]

I won't comment on 8 1.3.6 (stand by) - 37 (Family), as the event has come and gone now.
As about the 11.5 > 5 - I agree with your take. He wants to be with you, so just wait.