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My friend's marriage is in trouble....

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A friend of mine is attempting to work on her troubled marriage. To be honest, this marriage, which is only three years old, has been in trouble from the start. There is constant quarreling over different things; it seems as though the two of them simply aren't a good match. Last I spoke to my friend about it, one month ago, she resolved to make things work. She listed all the things she was going to do or change...but didn't mention a thing about what her spouse was going to do. (She reminds me of myself in the last days of my marriage....)

I looked to the Yi for a reflection on the marriage. I got hexagram 47, changing lines 1, 3 and 4, with hexagram 5 as the final outcome.

I am very familiar with hexagram 47: exhaustion, confinement, oppression (depending on the translation). A tree trapped in a garden. In my experiences, this hexagram signifies a very burdensome, unpleasant situation in which we feel trapped, like a victim of fate. The changing lines are quite ugly. However, I am having trouble reconciling hexagram 5 to all that. "Waiting" for what, I wonder? Waiting is expecting a certain outcome. It doesn't seem to imply whether that outcome is good or bad, only that one should refrain from acting and face one's fate with courage....

I would appreciate any interpretations that attempt to unite these two hexagrams.
 

Trojina

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I looked to the Yi for a reflection on the marriage. I got hexagram 47, changing lines 1, 3 and 4, with hexagram 5 as the final outcome.

The whole concept of a 'final outcome' is not generally at all useful in consulting Yi since that implies the outcome of the matter is already known and there is nothing the person can do when the whole point of consulting the I Ching is to assist in choice. I mean yes there are times an answer will sort of give a final verdict, in some cases depending on the question but largely I don't think it's helpful to look for a final outcome in Yi readings. Apart from that the relating hexagram is not the outcome, it is much more fluid than that. You might see it as the whole environment in which the question is asked, the backdrop, the context and this might contain aspects of past present and future. I will give link on this. Here it is , it is important so I recommend reading it https://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/answers/2013/06/01/the-old-resulting-hexagram-conundrum/

So if 5 here is not 'the outcome' then what is it ? Well it's what she's doing isn't it, it's the place she's waiting in . She is waiting, in a situation of waiting in a very dark oppressive place she would do better to get out of by the look of it.

I am very familiar with hexagram 47: exhaustion, confinement, oppression (depending on the translation). A tree trapped in a garden. In my experiences, this hexagram signifies a very burdensome, unpleasant situation in which we feel trapped, like a victim of fate. The changing lines are quite ugly.

Well I think it's important to bear in mind the oppression felt in 47 is often all within the mind of the querent. it can be a state of depression and personally I don't take the lines terribly seriously. I first got the notion these lines could be tongue in cheek, sarcastic even, from Bradford Hatcher and experience bears it out, especially line 1. I mean the person in line 1 needs to get out of victim mentality not believe in it.

So what's happening here ? I don't know, can't possibly claim to know the state of someone else's marriage so I'll say what I see as the possibilities and you can take what fits.

You only asked for a 'reflection on the marriage' so maybe that's all the answer shows. 47 shows it to be for her a place of constriction and repression. But when a tree cannot grow outwards it may grow deeper roots to get nourishment. Feeling feelings of restriction don't necessarily mean the marriage has no future especially given she is trying hard to make it work.

47.1 shows someone losing hope and the idea is they need to get off their butt and find some. But does that mean here she really needs to see things less bleakly ? Are they both seeing the cup half empty rather than half full ?

47.3 is indeed a painful experience where one seeks support where there is none to be had, which makes me think maybe this answer isn't all to do with state of mind, these people just aren't there for one another

47.4 is a line where you will see people making things into a really heavy long slow process when they really needn't be. Could she just go ? or could she just move on a bit more quickly ?

Hexagram 5 I think here shows her/them waiting in a rather dreary place for things to resolve.

I don't know if this means they should split for good or not but either way movement, lightness, speed is needed to get out of that gloomy valley. How about a holiday abroad together or something like that ? I mean I don't know then, you do. I don't believe I from my perspective can make a judgment about the state of their marriage. It might be this is just a time of waiting in a dark place for them...which will pass, but certainly line isn't looking great.

In general I don't think waiting is thing to do in 47 although often we have no choice but here, seeing line 4 as the last change line, I do think things could be shifted along the line a little. I alsmost get the feeling they might be 'talking it out too much' making heavy weather of it and of course in 47 it does say there is no use to speak since' words are not believed'. Now really isn't the time for them to sit and have long conversations ...but if they could just have some fun, less talking doom and gloom maybe they could move forward ? You said

She listed all the things she was going to do or change...but didn't mention a thing about what her spouse was going to do

I think maybe she should tear the list up and just try to have more fun with him ?
 

Trojina

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.....and BTW my first impulse was to say she's waiting in an oppressive situation and needs to get out, and that may well be the case, especially looking at line 3 but then I also had the feeling they just aren't connecting with one another right now which doesn't mean the marriage has to end. Also I'm wary about handing out glib advice on whether a marriage is viable or not given I don't actually know I can only see the reading which might just be the mood of the marriage at the moment. I do think more long conversations will do more harm than good, more heavy weather thinking will just drag her down further....it doesn't have to be so ponderous and heavy...they could go to the park and throw Frisbees or something, that would be better.
 

rosada

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I see these responses as the I Ching summing up what you already know about their partnership.
Line 1 could be a reference to the arguing. I think of that line in the Bible about how a man should not beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Does he try to boss her around?
Line 3 sounds like he's clueless about how to relate to his wife. (Not that this is necessarily true - but could be referring to how she has described him to you)
Line 4, the fancy carriage lumbering along.

This sounds like an unhappy marriage that still puts a good face on things and keeps going. Perhaps hexagram 5, Waiting means that, like the farmers waiting for the rain, they are in a holding pattern, just waiting for something significant to happen to spur them to bring their marriage to life or to give them a clear excuse to break up.

As your friend seems to have confided a lot but not kept you informed (you say it's been a month since you talked), perhaps 5 is also saying that you are in a position of Waiting to see what will happen and perhaps there is a warning here to not put your life on hold.

btw, if your friend is open to it she might get value from getting an astrological compatibility chart done for the two of them. They have them at astro.com. The chart details what works and what doesn't in the partnership and it can be a great help for getting real conversations going. They can read the chart together and it helps a person talk about difficulties without being hurtful. For example, where one might be tempted to say, "You never like my ideas!" by having the astrological chart to read a person can say, "Hmm..it says your Saturn is on my Mercury so I tend to feel squelched by your hardcore practicality."

Well, good luck with being a patient friend!
 
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Thank you both for your advice. Rosada, I feel you hit a few nails on the head.

Yes, he seems to have a bossy personality. She's very quiet, calm, dutiful, passive really, so I think she feels trapped by his demands. Mind you, my friend tends to keep a lot about her marriage hidden; I had to piece things together through the hints she dropped.

Both of them have demanding careers and they don't get to spend a lot of time together. You are correct in saying that she puts a happy face on her marriage; only recently did she admit her problems to me. I got the feeling that something was wrong - they were fighting from the start - but I didn't want to open up a can of worms.

My friend was talking about going back to school to get a better degree. Her husband did this before, only to quit. My friend told me that she'd have to get his okay to return to school, since it would be time-consuming. They've already made efforts to spend more time together, she says. She sounded very desperate to me when talking about what she was going to do to save her marriage. I think he's sort of "sitting" on her, in a manner of speaking, not letting her do certain things without his permission, sort of sucking the fun out of her life....

Their house is very messy, to say the least. They don't seem to care about taking care of it. I suspect depression on both sides. So hexagram 47 does not surprise me at all: It merely confirmed what I already knew.

This sounds like an unhappy marriage that still puts a good face on things and keeps going. Perhaps hexagram 5, Waiting means that, like the farmers waiting for the rain, they are in a holding pattern, just waiting for something significant to happen to spur them to bring their marriage to life or to give them a clear excuse to break up.

I agree with this. That's why I haven't been talking to my friend much lately: I'm trying to give her space to deal with this issue. I don't want to influence her one way or the other. Both of them are middle-aged and the marriage is childless; it is her second marriage, and I think she's afraid to be alone. A divorce would mean certain loneliness to her.

Funny, but I asked if I should maintain my friendship with her during this time, and I got 23.1.3 > 22. To me that confirms that I should back away, and be merely "ornamental" in this - perhaps supportive, but not influential.

Unfortunately, neither of them believe in astrology! Also, thank you for reminding me not to put my life on hold: In this situation, I get that feeling sometimes. I'm trying to remind myself to just let things play out, to restrain my urge to play Mrs. Fix-It.
 

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