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My Relationships Die Before They Start- Why? 20uc; How to Fix the Problem? 26.6>11

marybluesky

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Recently, after becoming more intimate with my partner, I realized the importance of a good sex & an OK relationship for my vitality and mental health- something I have been deprived of for much of my life. No need to say, it has had a destructive effect on me: during long periods of time, I lacked the zest for life, felt very little pleasure, moved on the verge of depression, and all in all, didn't enjoy my early youth.

The lifestyle I have had up to this day isn't healthy for me as an adult. I do not want this to continue. I have not lived a full life, and looking back on the past years, I can see the severe frustration and emotional pressure I went through despite my best efforts.

I have not been successful in finding and maintaining romantic relationships, and the few people who entered my life left me- or have been left- after a short time for various reasons. The current guy, who has been my best experience so far, is not committed to me. I can not count on him for a long-term relationship, even a casual one. He is now on a trip and I do not even know if our relationship will continue after he returns.

I asked: Why do my relationships die before they start? And I got 20uc. Because I'm too much of an observer?

Then I asked what should I do to remove this obstacle? And I got 26.6>19. Should I give up self-control and dare to pursue my desires?

I asked several times what to do to find a satisfying relationship and got 33 and 9. I do not understand this answer: I have been deprived of a basic need and I can no longer let my quality of life to deteriorate because of this.

What do you think?
 
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becalm

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Hahahahaha you and me both!! For me it's I Observe a lot, not just get caught up in the Attraction and know, despite that attraction, that it's just not going to work in the long run.

The obstacle? It seems to be saying that you're very much in touch with who you are (self awareness) and very few people are like that and not everyone likes that (about others).
 
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legume

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hmm, i sort of think that 26.6 > 11 is saying you've got what's needed, you've put the right intention out to the universe so to speak, you already attracted a nice guy and got a pleasant experience and this cast feels to me like you don't need to do anything more at the moment and someone "right" to approach you might be just around the corner? edit: got sidetracked by 19, hence the approach, though i'd think 11 has equally positive outcome / context here.

i'm not sure about 20, it often confuses me, possibly as it's reflecting the question back to me by saying "contemplate", as if in its essence asking for a broader perspective, some distance maybe or just reframing the question? i know what you mean by "die before they start" but going through past experiences is there possibly any other way to look at it as well? some did start after all and the guy on a trip might still return? i usually understand the part about the ablution being made but not the offering (if i understand it at all), that the preparatory steps were taken, but not the actual steps. maybe the offerings can also simply mean gratitude, even if just expressed internally, for the experiences so far, so that the "spirits" to whom such offering is given are more willing to help bring about yet another beautiful experience?

33 comes with similar ideas to 20, as it can be translated as distancing, but also to retreat, step back, detach; strategic pullback or escaping, transcending, reframing; taking a larger point of view, a bigger picture, among others. it seems to call for some reserve, but sometimes i wonder if it could also be about more literal, like going to a retreat and maybe meeting someone there. then 9 again, similarly to the 26.6 seems to be saying there's already enough potential (the clouds are there just no rain).

relationships don't come easy, especially later in life and especially now when everybody's isolating, i guess. but they do happen and from the reading it looks like you don't need to do anything much and there's nothing wrong with you (not sure what you meant by giving up self-control) or rather not your fault, that the one you're after hasn't happened yet. hugs :hug:
 
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watersprite2

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Recently, after becoming more intimate with my partner, I realized the importance of a good sex & an OK relationship for my vitality and mental health- something I have been deprived of for much of my life. No need to say, it has had a destructive effect on me: during long periods of time, I lacked the zest for life, felt very little pleasure, moved on the verge of depression, and all in all, didn't enjoy my early youth.

The lifestyle I have had up to this day isn't healthy for me as an adult. I do not want this to continue. I have not lived a full life, and looking back on the past years, I can see the severe frustration and emotional pressure I went through despite my best efforts.

I have not been successful in finding and maintaining romantic relationships, and the few people who entered my life left me- or have been left- after a short time for various reasons. The current guy, who has been my best experience so far, is not committed to me. I can not count on him for a long-term relationship, even a casual one. He is now on a trip and I do not even know if our relationship will continue after he returns.

I asked: Why do my relationships die before they start? And I got 20uc. Because I'm too much of an observer?

Then I asked what should I do to remove this obstacle? And I got 26.6>19. Should I give up self-control and dare to pursue my desires?

I asked several times what to do to find a satisfying relationship and got 33 and 9. I do not understand this answer: I have been deprived of a basic need and I can no longer let my quality of life to deteriorate because of this.

What do you think?
I'll have a stab at an interpretation.

20 is saying - look at the relationships you've had so far. The answer is there. They never died, the compatibility probably didn't exist.

26.6 >11... Make peace with expressing your love fully....or choose a man who you feel comfortable enough with to fully be your beautiful self.

I think 33 is reflecting your feelings of retreating from unfulfilling relationships... The answer to your question is in hex 20....
 

Topher

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I think iirc 20UC talks about washing something but not giving it in a offering.. you shouldn't perhaps had offered having sex because it was sacrificing something that was unique to you? and probably wasn't the right time you should have comtemplated it before doing it... there is a saying in taoism that by controlling oneself one is more powerful than the adversary.. and 26 isnt about taming impulses anyway?
 

marybluesky

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I think iirc 20UC talks about washing something but not giving it in a offering.. you shouldn't perhaps had offered having sex because it was sacrificing something that was unique to you? and probably wasn't the right time you should have comtemplated it before doing it... there is a saying in taoism that by controlling oneself one is more powerful than the adversary.. and 26 isnt about taming impulses anyway?
I didn't have sex with my previous partner-to-bes & the relationships didn't form anyway.
 

marybluesky

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It's simple.
Ready to hear it?

20= Look before leaping!

Dating should be a time of 20,
observing and getting to know the other person to see if they are someone worth committing to.

Having sex too early or even telling yourself that you are in relationship=
Leaping without Looking.
I didn't have sex with my previous partner-to-bes.
 
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legume

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"20= Look before leaping!"

where does it say that? or which translation would bring you to such conclusion? which part of 20 has to do with "leaping"? and what happened to moss elk's original post, was it deleted before i happened to see it?
hopefully was reported, because it's just plain rude:

"Having sex too early or even telling yourself that you are in relationship=Leaping without Looking."

the no sex thing i can understand if taken out of 44 where this advice is pretty obvious but 20? 😲
really? how? and 44 was never mentioned here.

you shouldn't perhaps had offered having sex because it was sacrificing something that was unique to you?

again, this was so far fetched and ridiculous to me, i intended to ignore it, but seeing similar deduction, if not just a prejudice, coming from a long-term Yi and Clarity user i'm in a bit of a shock.

sex is natural and unfortunately not unique, if anything, it's one thing that makes us all human 🙄

and on a personal note to marybluesky

The lifestyle I have had up to this day isn't healthy for me as an adult. I do not want this to continue.

i wouldn't say i had the "opposite" lifestyle but i spent all my younger years in long-term relationships which caused me to lose my own identity and actually confidence in who i am as just me. so to give another or broader perspective (going back to 20) i'd say you may also consider yourself lucky to get to know yourself first, so that now you can meet someone up to your standards. and i hope it becomes true soon!
 

Topher

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I didn't have sex with my previous partner-to-bes & the relationships didn't form anyway.
just wondering how long that relationship was going? (it will sound a bit harsh but some men probably want sex when dating and one reason might be that one and with this new relationship)

Have you considered iching didn't answer the question you asked but rather adviced you contemplate why it happens/happened?

this was so far fetched and ridiculous to me, i intended to ignore it, but seeing similar deduction, if not just a prejudice, coming from a long-term Yi and Clarity user i'm in a bit of a shock.

sex is natural and unfortunately not unique, if anything, it's one thing that makes us all human 🙄

and on a personal note to marybluesky
have you considered that for her it was an experience that changed her live while for any other person it didn't mean the same? for her it was getting out of depression and improving her overall emotional state. so if she had sex with someone who didnt value it as much as her, it isn't worth thinking twice about sacrificing something, think about it someone who is emotionally invested into a relationship and comes from feeling bad then comes someone who gets their hopes up to later find the relationship they might expect isn't the one they might get

I infer all this because if she only cared about sex she wouldn't be asking about relationships at all, it would be about living the moment
 
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moss elk

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"20= Look before leaping!"

where does it say that?

In the Image:
Go and observe, then based on the observation: decide what your doctrines will be.

This is looking before leaping.
Exactly so.
 
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legume

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Go and observe, then based on the observation: decide what your doctrines will be.

This is looking before leaping.

if you say so. i don't see any leaping over there, other than the leap in your judgment. still don't know whose translation of the image this is, as it doesn't match Wilhelm, Legge, Bradford, Hilary, Bloefeld, Karcher, Liu, Wu, Cleary or LiSe's?

and if anything "deciding on one's doctrine" is about making personal decision on how to approach own relationships, and nothing to do with having sex too late or too early or calling relationships with people relationships, while they're obviously that - relationships (doesn't matter if long term, short term, casual, hookups or friendships, they are all about relating with people and for some point in time and space "getting together on board").

have you considered that for her it was an experience that changed her live while for any other person it didn't mean the same?

i don't say the experience of sex is not unique, every experience is unique for each individual. just saying sex in itself is not and it literally (fun part aside) makes us human(s) ;).

so if anything the lack of offering in 20 could have something to with not taking the actual step towards possible intimacy, rather than putting out too early as you and moss inferred.
 

marybluesky

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just wondering how long that relationship was going? (it will sound a bit harsh but some men probably want sex when dating and one reason might be that one and with this new relationship)
The current one? We've been sort of friends for 16 months. We didn't see each-other regularly though. We got sexual (lightly) for the first time last year, and I was the one who initiated it, as well as our friendship. There has been no dating phase.
My question is about not having sex up to now; it's not about my relationship with this last guy. I've explained it the OP.
so if she had sex with someone who didnt value it as much as her, it isn't worth thinking twice about sacrificing something,
For me having sex is no sacrifice. It's a desire. I like a man, I'm attracted to his body, and if we get along well, I want to have sex with him. No need for deep emotional connection, just some level of comfort & trust.
I infer all this because if she only cared about sex she wouldn't be asking about relationships at all, it would be about living the moment
The empty sex doesn't satisfy me, yes, and I think it's so for many people. It's nice to have a good relationship, it's a need. That said, the sexual attraction is important, and the sexual act is a natural part of a relationships.
If a guy is too shy about sex but sends bogus romantic messages and talks several hours a day about his personal problems, then no thanks; goodbye.
sex is natural and unfortunately not unique, if anything, it's one thing that makes us all human 🙄
I agree, unless with the "unfortunately" part;).
i wouldn't say i had the "opposite" lifestyle but i spent all my younger years in long-term relationships which caused me to lose my own identity and actually confidence in who i am as just me. so to give another or broader perspective (going back to 20) i'd say you may also consider yourself lucky to get to know yourself first, so that now you can meet someone up to your standards. and i hope it becomes true soon!
Thanks for sharing your experience. Different lifestyles have their pros & cons indeed. I hope the same for you.
 
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legume

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apologies, had no clue adamant is emotionally charged word and after some googling found the phrase "look before you leap", so things make a bit more sense now :blush: oh well, learning everyday. with leaps in judgment i just meant jumping to conclusions regarding the other deleted post.
 

moss elk

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apologies, had no clue adamant is emotionally charged word and after some googling found the phrase "look before you leap", so things make a bit more sense now :blush: oh well, learning everyday. with leaps in judgment i just meant jumping to conclusions regarding the other deleted post.

We're all good legume,
I apologize as well.
(I've had a very hectic day)
 

Topher

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I dont know but i mean unique in terms of what i means in investing (emotionally) in a relationship otherwise seems like a let down if one looks after a long term relationship but iching probably is just maybe advising you to think why (throwing back the question) also if there isnt a problem with having sex for a short term relationship it wouldnt be much of an issue for one to know why some relationships end sooner than expected
 
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legume

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btw, i’ve discovered recently huge value in looking at hexagram pairs when getting unchanging hex as the answer and in my own readings, especially that have to do with „why” i found that the opposite hex (looked at from different direction) is a bit how the issue „feels” to me while there’s still more advice (as if on next steps) in the complementary or „balancing” hex (all lines changed). so for 20 that would be 19 and 34, for 9 it’s 8 and 16, for 33 - 34 and 19. funny that 19 made it’s way to this thread as a sort of freudian slip, personally prefer jungian psychology, but i guess 19 is worth looking at after all ;)
 

marybluesky

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so for 20 that would be 19 and 34, for 9 it’s 8 and 16, for 33 - 34 and 19. funny that 19 made it’s way to this thread as a sort of freudian slip, personally prefer jungian psychology, but i guess 19 is worth looking at after all ;)
Can you explain more? How the opposite & complementary hexagrams apply in my situation?
I've read about their role before, however they confuse me.

For example, does the famous 19 indicates that I should approach people? Or what?
 
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diamant

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Why do my relationships die before they start? 20 uc / unchanging
Perhaps you overestimated the other person, you looked up to them, you respected them, put them on a pedestal and considered them as superior to you (perhaps before knowing them properly). Or, to flip this around, they could be arrogant people who looked down on you, not because there's something wrong with you but because arrogant people treat everyone as their servants (except those who they treat as their master). In any case there is the issue here of inferior/superior.

what should I do to remove this obstacle? 26.6 > 11
Leave it to heaven, there's nothing specific you should do, let it be.

what to do to find a satisfying relationship and got 33 and 9
33 and 9 suggest that a satisfying relationship is not possible at this time, so no need for you to do anything in particular.

I fully sympathise with your frustration and I hope the near future brings better luck for you.
 
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legume

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Can you explain more? How the opposite & complementary hexagrams apply in my situation?

in the 20 reading i would see 19 as look (20) at how you approach (19) things (or even how or by whom you're being approached), this being in line with moss elk's look before you leap :duh: and diamant's interpretation. then it's also emphasized in the advice of 34, the balancing hex: "Thus the superior man does not tread upon paths that do not accord with established order."

for 33 i agree, there's not much to do at the moment, but would personally read 34 and 19 the other way around than in the 20 reading, that is, if you already established some order / set the doctrines - know what you want, then when the time is right you will be approached (i usually find it's more about being approached than approaching something, as in something's coming my way, though probably useful to still think then how do i approach whatever's coming). and 33 speaks of distancing from inferior man or common people but also of success. this is just my own feel for it and helped me gain some extra insight into hexagrams, hope it makes some sense.
 

Cuddly_Balrog

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20UC - Observe with reverence.

Do you observe your potential partners with the care that you reserve for things of importance, or rather is it just a superficial eye?

You had mentioned in another thread when you were discussing self harm, that you tended to appreciate people in a somewhat superficial way.

26.6 - The only real action line in that Hexagram, and it is talking about moving in accordance with heaven.

Which could mean there is nothing to do except wait, as has been pointed out. Or it could be that currently you are not moving in accordance with the Mandate of Heaven, and the blockage can only be removed once you do.

33 - Retreat - and 9 - Small Taming - I view these together. 33 seems to talk about the need to step back, you are not yet ready for big actions.

9 seems to say that the need to step back is not a harsh restraint like 29, nor is it because you are weak or incapable. 9 is about restraining strength from action until the time is right.

The clouds are gathering, there is a storm coming. This is an image of strength, but also an image that says the timing is not in your hands. You don’t dictate when it storms, or where, but you are being given notice (because you can see the storm) to prepare yourself to take advantage of its power.

You said you have lost yourself to relationships in the past. Perhaps you were swept away by the strength of your emotions. The storm clouds may be your emotions.

Binging us back to 20UC and 26.6. Observe with reverence and contemplate the will of heaven until you are prepared to benefit from the storm rather than be swept away with it.

Just my 2 cents!
 

marybluesky

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You said you have lost yourself to relationships in the past. Perhaps you were swept away by the strength of your emotions. The storm clouds may be your emotions.
Me? I don't remember having said such a thing.
 

Cuddly_Balrog

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You are right. I misattributed that part.
The rest holds true. I was just using that as an example of a storm.

it’s even more valid, as without that exporence you have no idea how to deal with your emotions (the storm) having never experienced it.

:)
 

marybluesky

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it’s even more valid, as without that exporence you have no idea how to deal with your emotions (the storm) having never experienced it.

:)
Funny that you think I've never experienced strong emotions; IOW, that you think one is whether swept away by emotions or doesn't experience them at all
:)
Re-reading your post, your word choice seems biased:
You had mentioned in another thread when you were discussing self harm, that you tended to appreciate people in a somewhat superficial way.
Self-harm wasn't the main point of that thread. It was a very long discussion.
Then you mention my "superficiality". Obviously my point of view has bothered you for some reason as you remember these parts of a long discussion after several months while you haven't been active in my other threads.
I have lots of post & threads in this forum and you only remember that parts & mention them with a not so friendly tone.
To be honest I think you're projecting a problem with someone/something else into me.
 

Olga Super Star

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26.6 is usually a karmic line, it s a strong force that sweeps you up and you just have to follow it!

A bit like saying it’s something you have to go through.

33>9 retreat into cultivating your field for when the important man will arrive 🙂

A bit like saying: Don’t actively go look for him.

20 what Moss Elk said. Observe and ponder if the guy is worth committing with, what he is giving you.
 

Cuddly_Balrog

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If your prior thread no longer applies, OK. LOL, I only remember the threads on which I have posted.

I did not realize that opinions on readings are less valid because I post infrequently. 🤔 It makes it easier to review my posting history. 😉

I lost someone to suicide, so maybe I hope that some stranger on the internet doesn’t do that because she hit 35 (IIRC that was when you felt that you were out of your prime right?). It is my belief that there is more to someone than what’s on the outside.

Superficiality has a negative impact on relationships, my job is focused on superficiality. I have seen lots of relationships fail due to vanity.

I believe that is why your relationships die. If it is not, then say that and I will drop it. I have only ever been friendly and positive. If you read it as negative that is on you.

I think I hit on something for you to be so bothered by my words on a screen. Something to consider.

As always, just my two cents! 😊
 
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bowiebowie

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Recently, after becoming more intimate with my partner, I realized the importance of a good sex & an OK relationship for my vitality and mental health- something I have been deprived of for much of my life. No need to say, it has had a destructive effect on me: during long periods of time, I lacked the zest for life, felt very little pleasure, moved on the verge of depression, and all in all, didn't enjoy my early youth.

The lifestyle I have had up to this day isn't healthy for me as an adult. I do not want this to continue. I have not lived a full life, and looking back on the past years, I can see the severe frustration and emotional pressure I went through despite my best efforts.

I have not been successful in finding and maintaining romantic relationships, and the few people who entered my life left me- or have been left- after a short time for various reasons. The current guy, who has been my best experience so far, is not committed to me. I can not count on him for a long-term relationship, even a casual one. He is now on a trip and I do not even know if our relationship will continue after he returns.

I asked: Why do my relationships die before they start? And I got 20uc. Because I'm too much of an observer?

Then I asked what should I do to remove this obstacle? And I got 26.6>19. Should I give up self-control and dare to pursue my desires?

I asked several times what to do to find a satisfying relationship and got 33 and 9. I do not understand this answer: I have been deprived of a basic need and I can no longer let my quality of life to deteriorate because of this.

What do you think?



Hola, el hexagrama 20, dice que te observes, quizás el tipo de apego que tienes y que te atrae en los hombres dado este tipo de apego.
Revisar las relaciones que nos han servido de modelo( la de nuestros padres) y ver cual es el patron, ya sabes mirarte y mirar los modelos.
Hay varios tipos de apegos: seguro, evitativo, ansioso y desorganizado, busca ayuda es el camino.

26.6 ya estas en el camino y lo lograras!
Mi idioma es español, y escribo muy mal en inglés! Espero que puedas traducirlo!!
 

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