Needing help with an emotional transition

[ace]

Newbie (posted once)needing interpretation help. A relationship has just bellied up ... a short one ... but an important one.

Context: I am leaving in 6 weeks for a year in the States (I am in Canada), but I thought 4 months ago it would be neat to meet people and maybe someone new while I was at home ... and keep in contact (and maybe visits) when I am gone. Online dating here I come. Here enters Jon. Tension and resolve are the key to this formly budding relationship ... Hexagrams 53 and 32 were consistly present (or other hexagrams with lines about taking things slowly or step-by-step) ... After what I perceived as mixed messages, towards the end, I began to lighten things (i.e.,less intensity, still available but following his lead). Then the relationship Kiss of Death ... Hexagram 24 (at least in my life), and then he did something that really kinda hurt me or broke trust for me. And indeed ... shortly there after ... I sit licking my wounds ...

3 Linked Questions:

1) What does Jon feel or think about me in his heart? Hexagram 47 (Hex 47 is consistently the relating hexagram when I ask about me and this relationship "What attitude for me to take now about the relationship?" Ans Hex 17 (lines 1,2)to 47, "What I am to learn about this fiasco?" Ans Hex 64 (lines 5,6) to 47.

2) How did Jon come to feel Hex 47 (exhausted, oppressed, trapped) about me? Hexagram 36

3) How did Jon come to need to "guard his inner light from harm" from me? Hexagram 50 (lines 1,4,5) to 9. (Early on in this relationship, I asked about his feeling towards me and received 50 (lines 2,3,5) to 12.

I am really wanting help because I would like to know what process that I contributed to that lead to such a nightmare. Or, maybe how I contributed. It is painful to think that I oppressed, exhausted, or trapped someone. Needing to know so I can correct it for the next relationship ... whenever that may be. Maybe this will be my next question, but Yi has given lots to work on here ...

Many thanks, Ace

 

[frank]

Hi Ace,

I'm very sorry for you that things are not working out that great for you right now. Maybe I can help a little.

At first it could be possible that the first answer (h-47) would NOT be about his thoughts and feelings in his heart towards you but that the Yi is actually telling you not to worry to much yourself. Maybe the worry itself is part of 'the nightmare', and perhaps THAT is what he is thinking about. That he worried YOU... That he felt opressed because of loosing his identity (h-36 is about that, stay identical) could also be a worry towards you. Are you afraid of loosing your own identity in this relationship?

The attitute towards the relationship could be about 'behaving in a manner that could be an example to everyone'. Do as the standard tells you to do, whatever that standard behaviour for you will mean. Towards 47 again Yi is telling again only to behave in a standard manner and not to worry to much... By changing lines 1 & 2 you get first hexagram 45, and then 47... you have to become consious about something first, gatter imput and 'leave your old live behind' as Karcher is telling us in his book The Total I Ching. Collect people and ideas for a new life and jump. Don't worry... To 'guide' the inner light for harm could relate to yourself instead of him :-D.

By receiving hexagram 50 towards 9 the Yi is telling you to do things step by step, but do belief in your own inner spirit to go on. The relationship is like a bronze vessel, which is a high classified thing, the greatest thing, in the eyes of the Yi, as it consurnes growth and the trust of the Yi itself that YOU have the power of a bronze vessel. First you or the relationship has to put out the 'overturned food', get the mess out of the relationship or out of yourself (the fear of loosing your identity?) first (then you get hexagram 14, and the knowledge that you have great things insite yourself, that the world wants you to share), then let yourself be led, instead of controlling things to much (line 4), which is only bringing you hexagram 18, working on things that are spoiled... and by letting go the controle, realising (45) that there could be nothing to worry about, the vessel gets 'golden ears'.

What you are about to learn from the fiasco (your humble words :-D) is that you are not there yet (not yet crossed the bridge (64)), and by looking a bit from a distance (lines 5 & 6 changing, and by the idea that changinglines are yang and not changinglines are yin, you receive hexagram 20... Observe...) you could handle the fears of letting yourself go (let the control go...).

I do hope I make some sence :-D, and hang in there!

Hug,
Frank

 

[ace]

Wow ... hmmm didn't see 47 about me ... yesterday I was utterly exhausted from this mess ... urg obvious really ... thanks Frank ...

Frank or anyone, before I got your response there was a shocking (for me) communication ...

... after no contact I got a nice little email from Jon (it was about a tent that I wanted to borrow- he has it at the office for me to pick up) ... Yi told me that the meaning was 18 (3,4) to 64 ...

... given I feel it is important to respond because his is a kind gesture (funny I just wrote that it was a kind jester ... little "spelling" slip) ... I asked Yi "What do I do given this new shift in this situation with Jon now, and given I have sooo much to do, and this is rather emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually consuming". Ans Hex 2 (line 4,5) to 45. Any insight ...

Felt your hug Frank ... it was needed ... Ace

 

[ace]

Interesting ... I just re-read Frank's response, and it seems to have foretold Yi's response to this new change. Wow ... now to understand and integrate Yi and Frank into a response that is respectful to myself and Jon.

To live is to feel love and pain ... today I have lived a great deal ...

 

[frank]

Hi Ace,

Nice to see I could be of some help, and a great thing with that tent :-D! Hexagram 18 towards 64 looks like an opportunity to work on things that has been spoiled, perhaps the bond or the feelings connected to the bond (relationship), and to improve it again by taking things step by step (see the little fox taking his steps on the stones...? Don't get a wet tail :-D)

And indeed, by 'what to do with this new stuff', the Yi is (again :-D) telling you to try to let go the lead in this and let yourself be guided instead of being the guide yourself (2), only to collect new awerness (45).

Hang in there, dear!

Hug,
Frank

 

[ace]

Frank ... You are a gem ...

I need you to dumb this down a bit: "to try to let go the lead in this and let yourself be guided" ... if possible ... I know that this is the lesson (or one of them) but I thought I would ask ...

thanks, ace

 

[frank]

Hi Ace,

You have to help me out here. I'm just an ordinary guy from the Netherlands who wants to help, but what do you mean with the fact that I'm a gem :-D?. Is that bad? Eatable :-D?. And ofcourse I will dump down a bit when I offended you in anyway, because that was not the intention. I was just trying to explain what the Yi was trying to tell you, but 'I'm only human, born to make mistakes...', as a britisch band once sang...

I hope things are just fine, and all the luck with Jon (and the tent :-D).

Hug,
Frank

 

[ace]

Hello Frank,

Oh my ... most sincerest apologies ... I have been out of town until just now and haven't checked ... these were compliments ... clarification ...

- dumb it down a bit ... means simplify or bring greater clarity; I am not that smart and you have to help me out a little more ...
- you are a gem ... means you are a valuable gem (e.g., diamond, ruby, emerald) that one cherishes ... an object that holds a lot of value ...

many thanks for your input ... ace

 

[ace]

Dear Frank and Others,

I did follow Hex 2 and not being the leader in this situation ... once again we were able to resolve the tension ... the tent was the bridge to this discussion ... HOWEVER ... we are now in a tension situation again ... I HAVE HAD IT ... enough is enough ... too much energy is being spent on my side and not enough on his, IMHO

Yi is answering many contextual questions that I am grappling with Hex 7 (with various moving lines or no lines)... but it is the more specific questions that may need some input ...

What is the best way, for both of us, to deal with the situation right now??
- Hex 60 no moving lines

What would be the effect of a "Dear John" letter (essentially a letter saying good-bye)?
- Hex 34 (lines 2, 6) to Hex 30

I personally think that a Dear John letter clearly outlining how I see that our current paths are diverging would be the best approach for me to take. I think that the goat can unlink her horns from the fence this way ... but I don't want to unduly hurt him ... but I find myself continuely finding myself hurt ...

Any thoughts ...

ace

 

[frank]

Hi Ace,

Should have known better. Gem, from Gemstone.... That's not bad :-D. And to dump down a bit further, I was only, a bit in my own words, repeating what hexagram 2 is actually saying: "Hou De Zhu > Following obtains mastering" (quote from Yijing by Wu) Hexagram 2 is more about accepting, instead of forcing, and by making combinations of the text and the attributes I concluded the things I said earlier. Not much more explaining to do, I'm afraid :-D.

To bad to read that you've had it with the situation. I ofcourse do not know how much 'acceptance' you already took in this particulair situation, but by giving you hexagram 7, the Yi at least is giving you the clue of taking a responsible role (the general in the army....). In my experience, Hex. 7 is also about not having thoubts. (like the general who has to send the troops to the battlefield...). The situation needs a strong leader, and folowers. One of the two of you has to take the lead in the situation to solve it. The other one needs the discipline to accept the role of follower... I do not know if the situation is stricktly about that (leading and follow), but it seems that earlier (hex, 2) the Yi at least asked you back if YOU would be the one who follows... And now 'you've had it', so probably John has not taken the role of the leader yet, which of course could be understandable for you, who wants things solved, and is waiting (acceptance > 2) and somethings are not happening... Yes, that could be frustrating indeed...

By 60 the Yi is telling you that this situation has its limits... One who has to follow might have been the leader earlier and vice versa... The first step in the solution is to recognice the limitations of the 'roles' both of you are playing here. In the situation the anoyance could be because of switching roles and by that discover limitations... The first step then is to accept (2!) these limitations...

By 34, a 'dear john' letter, would be not done YET, as the Yi is telling you 'not to take a step without devotion'... (images text). It could be the easy way out... The Great Strengh could be the recognition by the Yi itself of your inner strengh and frustrations... The Yi acknowledges your power, but asks also NOT to write the letter yet, as there is still something to learn. If you take the rule that every changing line would be a yang line, and therefor every NOT changing line a yin line you will get hexagram 4 as an extra hexagram. This hexagram tells you what the action of change is confronting you with (learning). Do you have much patience, or don't you? Does John not learn from your frustrations, the things you are trying to make clear to him or vice versa? The Yi then is asking you to look first closer to whatever brought you both in this situation. In line 2 and 6 the Yi is OK with the idea of sending a letter, but NOT because of a goodbye, but because of talking it over again, and look through the overall situation and the love you both have for each other, and what your relationship with the both of you brings you in daily life. Look NOT to the things that seperate you, but that what holds you together (30)!

I realy hope I make some sence here.... and hang in there. Take a deep breath, start writting and looking to things that you both share, and nurish the cow (30 overall judgement)...

Hug
Frank

 

[jte]

Some additional thoughts -

What would be the effect of a "Dear John" letter
- Hex 34 (lines 2, 6) to Hex 30

34.6 - this part of your life (the relationship with this person) stops - at least temporarily until "the horns get untangled" (might be permanently, too)

34.2 - the rest of your life keeps chugging along...

- Jeff

 

[ace]

Hello,

Alas the letter has been sent ... it outlined what I experienced in the relationship, stated that it really wasn't meeting my needs, and requested that if he wanted contact again that he wait a while (a couple of months) then a casual chat may be ok ...

so ... what is left is

what I can learn from this relationship? ...

- Hex 50 (changing line 4) to Hex 18
I requested greater clarity as it is kind of important to me
- Hex 24 (changing lines 1,3) to Hex 15

What to change in my next relationship?

- Hex 26 (changing lines 4, 5) to Hex 1

hmmm I didn't wait or have patience and this forward push interfered with the transformation that was in process between the two of us ... thus should return to my path with humility ... and the energy that caused this impatience should be proactively dealt with and this energy's roots exposed and destroyed.

Any other feedback in regards to what YI is trying to teach me through these hexagrams as I return to the drawboard of my lovelife ...

ace

 

[cal val]

"I didn't wait or have patience and this forward push interfered..."

That was how you got your horns tangled in the fence and got stuck... no going forward... no going backward.

I admire your self-awareness.

When I got 26.4 about a relationship, I brought it to this forum, and I learned it was fear that motivated me to sabotage my relationship with that forward push. Shortly after that the Yi and my dreams led me to the root of that fear. It was painful... but it was wonderful. The way I feel now... without that crippling fear... oh it's just so much better.

Love,

Val

 

[micheline]

I also admire your unflinching self-awareness.

BUt don't be too hard on yourself. It could be that this relationship was not stable from the get-go, and that it would have been a 50.4 whether you sent the letter or not.

24.1.3 seems to say that it is only a short distance to returning to the right path, no real harm done for you, and that maybe you have a pattern of repeating this kind of relationship, the kind where your horns get entangled in the fence, too much effort exerted, or too much effort needed to keep it going.

In the future, 24.4.5....echo val's comment: getting to the roots of your fear.....it may also be that you learn to nip such no-win situations in the bud, being clear with yourself about your needs right from the start

and right now you can gather your energy togther, face your fears and patterns (AS IT SEEMS YOU ARE DOING) and prepare for a 26.6 kind of relationship.

 

[ace]

Hello everyone,

Your words are precious ... many thanks ...

My ability for self-awareness and reflection sits like great potential unused when most needed ... I am Cassandra ... my awareness allows me to see the disaster before it happens but I am impotent to stop its arrival ...

When I inquired about the fear in this situation and in my life (these fears are the same) ...

How do I deal with the fear that caused the difficulties in this situation and in my life?

Hex 29 (moving lines 2,3) to Hex 39 ... YIKES

It is abysmal in the context of many obstructions. Indeed ...

What to do with danger all about ... focus on small things, do not get overwhelmed, respond with perseverance, follow the path, wait until a way is shown, use what you got, and pause and wait before action.

Gleened for more insight ... the hexagram built from inside Hex 29 (its nuclear hexagram)is Hex 27 ... what I am nourishing myself with physically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually is part of the problem. It keeps me anchored in the gorge ...

finally ... the hexagram built from moving/non-moving lines ... Hex 46. I intuit that this hexagram is linked to Hex 39 or the context. Here is the push forward. Perhaps herein contains what preceeds the fear ... Fear drives the push which in turn feeds the fear ...

I guess I am packing my little blue suitcase for my journey into the Abysmal ... any advice on what I should bring (attitudes, actions, thoughts, connectiveness) would be appreciated ...

Cassandra (aka Ace)