New member. Relationship and hopes 50.6, 18.3.6 and 31

[BonnieB]

Hello, this is my first time in this Forum. I have been consulting the I Ching for more than 30 years. It was my mother who introduced me to the I Ching and she often helped me interpreting because I tend to be pessimistic in my own readings! I prefer to consult the I Ching only for important questions, so I end up not using it often. My mother died a few years ago and since then I have been struggling with my own interpretation.
My question to the I Ching is about a relationship that ended four months ago. This man was really in love with me and then all of a sudden, after a discussion where I asked him to be more present, he broke up with me. He explained he was getting too attached and he did not want to suffer in a long-distance relation. He was not sympathetic but quite harsh with me at the end. I was very hurt but I respected his decision. I did not contact him for a couple of months, hoping that he would change his mind or at least that we would be friends one day, since we had a strong intellectual exchange and many things in common. He never wrote or called.
Still missing him, a month ago I contacted him and asked to see him. It was a strange meeting, where I perceived that he still likes me and is involved with me (and at times he was very nice), but the rest of the time he was cold and harsh. For me, the purpose of seeing him was either going back with him (if he wished so) or starting to build a friendship: I did not want to lose contact with him again, the idea of being abandoned has always been devastating for me so I try to maintain good relations when I can.
After we met, we stayed in touch for a few weeks. Sometimes he was cold and rude on the phone, other times just formal - as if he was trying to be detached again. He never called, while I called him. In general, when I ask him about us, he does not answer or he gives contradictory answers so I avoid asking. The last time we talked, 2 weeks ago, he was incredibly rude so I sent him a message right after saying that I was struggling to leave something positive behind us and that his attitude pains me. He did not answer so I stopped calling him. But he gave some "likes" to my posts or pictures on Facebook quite often (silly, hu?). I waited another week than I removed him from my friends on FB.
Now of course I am confused, I feel guilty and I am still hoping that he will finally take some initiative. I am hoping that - if not a couple - one day we can at least be in touch and have a nice dialogue as we did before. I also feel abandoned (of course).
I asked I Ching if it is wise and correct that I wait for this man to ever contact me one day.
I consulted the I Ching online (on this website) and I got the answer 50.6.
Then I asked the same question to my I Ching (the book) and I got the answer 18.3.6
When I asked if I am still a part of him (as he used to say) I got 31 (unchanging).

Sorry if this is so long, I just feel so sad. Thank you for sharing your interpretations.

 

[radiofreewill]

Hi BonnieB,

Welcome to Clarity!

I'm sorry to hear that you are having guy troubles.

I'm going to sight read these off the trigrams without reference to the lines...it's probably different than your mother would have done, but see if it resonates with you?

"Is it wise and correct that I wait for him to ever contact me one day?"
50.6 to 32 and 18.3.6 to 7 ~ He is gone with the wind...

Fire/Wind (50) changes to Thunder/Wind (32) ~ Fire destroys Wood (Thunder is considered to be of the Wood element).

Mountain/Wind (18) changes to Earth/Water (7) ~ Mountain and Earth are both of the Earth element, so no change there, but Wood (Wind is of the Wood element) weakens Water.

So, the fire is burned out and the love is gone...


"Am I still a part of him?"
31uc ~ No.

The old form name of this hexagram is "Chopping Off" ~ when a hexagram is said to be unchanging, then it takes the past tense ~ so, "Chopped Off" ~ meaning that you aren't a part of him any more.


However, before you drop into feeling abandoned, you should know that the overall fortune here is Very Auspicious, making this a "Who knows good from bad?" reading ~ by making a clean break from him you will be opening the way to something better.

I can highly recommend our Headmistresses' book ~ "i-Ching ~ walking your path, creating your future" ~ as a good way to deepen your i-Ching resources for your readings.

I hope this helps ~ all best!

 

[BonnieB]

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question, Radiofreewill. I am not familiar with the method you are using, but it sounds interesting. As a human being, of course I was disappointed by your interpretation - but I appreciate your kindness and encouragement.
The reason I asked help with this is that the I Ching answers seemed contradictory to me (like the man I dated).
My question was not so much about the possibility of resuming a relation with this man (I am not even sure I would take this option), but it was more focused on having a good closure with him, eventually (which is, not today - maybe tomorrow?). A good closure to me means that maybe one day this man will take the initiative to contact me and have a healthy chat with me, without the harshness he showed recently. But I would love if this happened spontaneously (not being encouraged/influenced by my actions).
I interpreted the 50.6 hexagram as having to do with the establishment of a new way, a new regime, so perhaps as a combination for success. Line 6 was the only change line, the relating is 32, endurance. I interpreted this as: I may not immediately get the recognition, but I should stand firm in my conviction in it. According to line 6, work will eventually find favor.
18.3.6: I interpreted this as there are some mistakes that should be corrected in order to restore good relations. Again, the lines 3 and 6 to me suggest that there is some margin to repair the problems (communication problems - not love). The 7 indicates to me that we are capable of working this as a team, eventually.
31 unchanged: he's interested, attracted, moved... maybe he is thinking of establishing a new regime? (especially in relation with 50.6). You can't say whether he has any intentions that extend beyond this initial connection, or whether he would like this to last or develop at all. Maybe he hasn't got as far as forming any intentions in his own mind right now. But 31 to me is also a matter of influencing things, or being influenced, which is not clear.
Hopefully my interpretations don't mean that I am being delusional in this situation.
Maybe in the next days I could ask "What needs to be fixed?" or another question, if you suggest so?
I am also interested in what you wrote at the end: "you should know that the overall fortune here is Very Auspicious, making this a "Who knows good from bad?" reading ~ by making a clean break from him you will be opening the way to something better." Are you suggesting that my clean break from him could eventually bring to a positive new way of communicating with this guy, in the future or just in general? Because the way I see it, it is hard to establish new healthy patterns of communication and non-abandonment in the future, if you cannot solve past issues of abandonment and leave past relations in a healthy way (healthy for both). And here I feel like I failed again shutting him out completely, by not answering his silly/childish/rude ways of contacting me in the past 10 days.
Thanks again for your help and suggestions, all the best to you!

 

[radiofreewill]

Thanks, BonnieB, for your kind and generous reply ~ I was afraid that I was too direct and might have made your sadness worse with my reading ~ if I hurt your feelings, please accept my apology ~ you seem like a kind, thoughtful and reflective person to me.

The Buddha used to tell this story: Once, there was a father-daughter duo that made their living by performing acrobatics in public intersections. As the huge father stood motionless in the road, the tiny daughter would call up a crowd while carrying around a ten foot pole on her shoulder. After the crowd had gathered, she passed the pole to her father, who placed it on his forehead and balanced it straight up into the air. The girl then climbed up her father's back and shimmied up the pole to the top, where she flipped upside down and balanced herself on the pole with her forehead to the applause of the crowd.

One day, the father said to his daughter, "You know, darling, we need to look out for each other, because if either one of us gets hurt, then both of us won't eat." The little girl said, "No, papa, that's not right ~ you should look after you, and I should look after me, and that way we will both be fine."

The father refused to accept this, saying, "But, wait ~ if I see you swaying up there, and I step into it, then you will straighten up and we will be balanced again." The daughter replied, "No, papa, that's not right ~ you can't balance me, and I can't balance you, but we can each balance ourselves."

Unable to resolve the dispute, they took it to the Buddha ~ who declared that, despite the father's good intentions, the daughter had it right ~ we are each responsible for our own balance in life.

The reason I'm suggesting that you make a clean break is so you can establish your own balance, instead of shifting off of his moves. This will make you stronger and more self confident and more attractive, all at the same time.

So, abandonment of dependency should not be feared, but welcomed with applause.

I hope this helps!

 

[diamanda]

Hi BonnieB,

Here's how I see your answers:

if it is wise and correct that I wait for this man to ever contact me one day
50.6 > 32
50 shows something brewing, slowly changing, food cooking. Here, however, the 6th line changes. This shows that the situation is far removed from anything cooking/changing, and there is no actual food in the cauldron. 32 shows that things continue as they are. So all in all, I wouldn't count that this guy will ever change.

if it is wise and correct that I wait for this man to ever contact me one day (same question)
18.3.6 > 7
Line 18.3 speaks of correcting past mistakes a bit too energetically, so I believe it refers to you deleting him from your FB friends. And 18.6 shows that in a situation where mistakes can't be corrected, the right thing to do is to walk away from such incorrigible corruption. The way it all looks to me, as an outsider reading your story, he is the source of 'corruption'. His behaviour is excessively weird. He "was really in love with you", but when you asked to meet him more he broke up with you, because he "didn't want to suffer". So that 'sensitive'(not...) guy went on to make you suffer, first with completely ignoring you for months, then with his continuous harsh and "incredibly rude" words. And at the same time he put 'likes' on your photos! His behaviour borders on deranged (and 18 also means "insanity", so keep that in mind).
You tried to correct past mistakes/insanity, but the situation is beyond repair. 7 shows the need to take the situation in your own hands - so, no, don't wait for him to contact you. Leave that rotten/insane situation behind and be the master of your own life.

Am I still a part of him?
31 unchanging
I hadn't heard of the "chopping off" translation, but radiofreewill definitely has a point. The character for 31 means "to wound someone with the mouth". The Image says that the superior man is 'empty' in order to receive/endure/suffer a man (or people). So I guess that if you continue to accept his rudeness, then yes in that sense you're still a part of him.

Sorry to say this, but I don't see this guy changing. Of course it's up to you to wait and see, but if these were my answers, I'd start looking for someone else. Easier said than done, but you did also get line 18.6 - in my experience walking away from a rotten situation brings a sense of great relief.

 

[BonnieB]

Radiofrewill, thanks for the gift of this beautiful story. I see your point and the story resonates a lot to me. Abandonment and dependency can be two sides of the same aspect. Thanks for your sensitive words, all the best.

 

[BonnieB]

Hello Diamanda, thanks for your helpful interpretation. It sounds so accurate what you write about 18.3.6.

I know a bit of this man's story and he is a suffering man with an abusive family history. And yes, he is a bit weird, I would say he is on "on the run" in life in general. He actually helped me with generosity even recently for a work project we realized together (and he was not paid for that). Which is perhaps the reason for my sense of guilt in this rough closure: I cut him out completely after he let me down for the second time on my romantic expectations and I let our work project fail without promoting it (as I had previously promised in exchange for his help). So, when he sent me the complete project a couple of weeks ago, I was too hurt to even answer him.

I also have remorse about being too demanding and assertive (he often reproached me for that): this man has relational difficulties and opened up with me taking emotional "risks" that he normally avoided and I think my mistake was not being able to understand it and strike the right balance between my neediness and insecurity and his own fears and overprotection. In a sense, we are both emotionally damaged.

This is why I think your interpretation of 18.3.6 hits the mark: I corrected past mistakes (mistakes we both made) a bit too energetically, from here my sense of guilt, of a bad closure and remorse. However, it seems to me that the I Ching suggests I can remain free of any serious blame because the situation, as you put it, was beyond repair. What you say about 31, "wounding someone", sounds to me like we are both wounded and the reciprocal influence is not a healthy one. From here, the I Ching suggestion of an unchanging situation.

I am not going to wait for this guy to change and come back and I will look for someone else when I feel ready. But I can't help myself from hoping that one day there will be the opportunity for a reciprocal forgiveness and a good closure.

Thanks again for your reading, it really helped! All the best!

 

[withoutfault25]

I got 50.6 after a breakup too. I grew more in my faith, trusted fate, and opened my awareness more. I applied for a better job and scored an interview. I made plans to return to school and set goals to get there. So maybe things suck right now but if you use this separation to inspire mental changes, perhaps it will create a good, lasting pot for you to brew! Best wishes

 

[BonnieB]

Thanks Withoutfault25, I like your reading of 50.6. I think some changes will be possible eventually, but yes things suck right now
Best to you