Newcomer: Hexagram 41.4.6 > 54 Cause of unhappiness

[poised]

Bought my Wilhelm in the early '70s. Longtime fan of this site, finally signed on. This is my first question. "Why am I unhappy?"

Answer seems all too obvious, but I would appreciate any nuances that you may see in this situation:

Been dating a fellow for 18 months and also working with him on a writing project. I do the writing. He's the expert. Making little headway, mostly we just hang out together on weekends, all weekend, every weekend. Relationship going absolutely nowhere. But it's rock solid, I think. Marriage not a goal for either of us. If he's seeing other women, as the I Ching suggests, it would have to be for lunch, because he lives in my neighborhood and I know when he goes to and comes home from work. OTOH, I am getting bored with all of this, but still want to finish the project. If I end the relationship, I fear, I'll suffer from horrible jealousy when he takes up with another woman. And a year's worth of research would go to waste.

Feeling very stuck. Thanks for any suggestions.

 

[kkappa]

Bought my Wilhelm in the early '70s. Longtime fan of this site, finally signed on. This is my first question. "Why am I unhappy?"

Answer seems all too obvious, but I would appreciate any nuances that you may see in this situation:

Been dating a fellow for 18 months and also working with him on a writing project. I do the writing. He's the expert. Making little headway, mostly we just hang out together on weekends, all weekend, every weekend. Relationship going absolutely nowhere. But it's rock solid, I think. Marriage not a goal for either of us. If he's seeing other women, as the I Ching suggests, it would have to be for lunch, because he lives in my neighborhood and I know when he goes to and comes home from work. OTOH, I am getting bored with all of this, but still want to finish the project. If I end the relationship, I fear, I'll suffer from horrible jealousy when he takes up with another woman. And a year's worth of research would go to waste.

Feeling very stuck. Thanks for any suggestions.

Let me get this right. You feel that your only choices are to either feel stuck or jealousy? Why is your world view so grim?

I see that little nuance that you should not throw yourself away for this man, and when you choose to do that, you will be rewarded. With a man who is meant for you, if that is what you want. Or a writing project that is the right one, if that is what you want.

A year's worth of research to waste? Nothing ever goes to waste. Life is a journey. There is a lot to learn. And this is just an episode where you need to learn something. In the grand scheme of things, this research means very little, especially when your personal happiness is on the line. Choose to do better by yourself.

 

[pocossin]

Why am I unhappy?
41.4.6 > 54


Perhaps at the beginning of the project you hoped for the kind of relationship that now neither of you want. 41 suggests you have lost something and 54 that you are in an inferior position. The partnership on the project has become a burden. Why not focus on bringing it to completion and work faster? You would have a direction rather than a sense of drift. Line 4 implies that your partner will support you in this.

Bradford 41.6

Avoiding decrease increases one
Not a mistake
Persistence is opportune
Worthwhile to have somewhere to go
But one gains servants rather than family

The completion of the project will benefit you but apparently not with marriage. I am in a long-term literary partnership also. We have been at it five years and should finish this year.

 

[Trojina]

Bought my Wilhelm in the early '70s. Longtime fan of this site, finally signed on. This is my first question. "Why am I unhappy?"

Answer seems all too obvious, but I would appreciate any nuances that you may see in this situation:

Been dating a fellow for 18 months and also working with him on a writing project. I do the writing. He's the expert. Making little headway, mostly we just hang out together on weekends, all weekend, every weekend. Relationship going absolutely nowhere. But it's rock solid, I think. Marriage not a goal for either of us. If he's seeing other women, as the I Ching suggests, it would have to be for lunch, because he lives in my neighborhood and I know when he goes to and comes home from work. OTOH, I am getting bored with all of this, but still want to finish the project. If I end the relationship, I fear, I'll suffer from horrible jealousy when he takes up with another woman. And a year's worth of research would go to waste.

Feeling very stuck. Thanks for any suggestions.

You need to see all this as part of the journey not the end result of anything (41.6) then you probably won't feel so unhappy. 41.4 suggests you can actually let this unhappiness go. You don't know that he sees other women so don't focus on that. 41.6 is not about making a home, permanent structures it's a time of exploring. You see things perhaps as more static than you need to to. It's all still an adventure you just feel you reached the final chapter but there's lots more to do in all kinds of ways.

I think perhaps if you put your focus on your creativity and possibly get unstuck by having a bit more of an exploratory attitude whilst knowing actually you can dump that jealousy anytime you want then you are free to move forward....



oh just noticed kkappa said something similar here

A year's worth of research to waste? Nothing ever goes to waste. Life is a journey. There is a lot to learn. And this is just an episode where you need to learn something. In the grand scheme of things, this research means very little, especially when your personal happiness is on the line. Choose to do better by yourself

 

[poised]

Why is your world view so grim?

I see that little nuance that you should not throw yourself away for this man, and when you choose to do that, you will be rewarded. With a man who is meant for you, if that is what you want. Or a writing project that is the right one, if that is what you want.... And this is just an episode where you need to learn something. In the grand scheme of things, this research means very little, especially when your personal happiness is on the line. Choose to do better by yourself.

Thanks, kappa, you certainly got right to the heart of the matter. Of course I have another writing project on deck, one that's all mine. Fiction, enjoyable to write. Our partnership book is nonfiction, his unique view of a significant topic. It needs to get out there. I should, should should do it. . I am admittedly wallowing in the emotion of the delightful past when our relationship was a Relationship.

Will attempt to think more about my personal happiness and choose to do better for myself. Great advice. I think this means getting down to business and getting the thing done.

 

[poised]

Why am I unhappy?
41.4.6 > 54


Perhaps at the beginning of the project you hoped for the kind of relationship that now neither of you want. 41 suggests you have lost something and 54 that you are in an inferior position. The partnership on the project has become a burden. Why not focus on bringing it to completion and work faster? You would have a direction rather than a sense of drift. Line 4 implies that your partner will support you in this.

How very insightful, pocossin. We were giddy-thrilled with the beginning of the relationship, but there has been loss due to health issues. His health, my not-altogether-graceful adjustment. The work drifts. Yes, you are right, he will absolutely support me in working faster and finishing.

He's resigned to the change in our relationship, I believe. And I'm not. So that could be my "inferior position." I read recently, "Wanting something from someone gives them power over you." Big sigh.

41.6

Avoiding decrease increases one
Not a mistake
Persistence is opportune
Worthwhile to have somewhere to go
But one gains servants rather than family

The completion of the project will benefit you but apparently not with marriage. I am in a long-term literary partnership also. We have been at it five years and should finish this year.

Indeed, persistence is opportune. The idea gives me a lift. But he is family...in the sense that the relationship has felt organic and necessary and right without labels like husband or boyfriend. Or forever. But perhaps in his heart he feels otherwise. "Servant" is interesting in this case, as we come from very different backgrounds. I only think about it when he calls it to my attention.

Overall, the drifting dulls it for each of us, my fault, not his.

I'd like to hear about your literary project. Having read many of your posts here, I'm sure your work is thoughtful and interesting.

 

[Lavalamp]

Maybe it's because you don't like moving so slowly in your relationship, and you don't like being second either, whether to another woman or to the work project.
The Yi suggests at 41.4 if you move more slowly you will enjoy things more. I got that advice regarding a trip recently and indeed found slowing down made me worry less and have more fun. 54 is a lot about not creating conflict regarding the other "MIstresses" in your significant other's life, it could be work. music or another person. Not a time to push or draw lines, take it slow and let affection expand naturally.

 

[poised]

Maybe it's because you don't like moving so slowly in your relationship, and you don't like being second either, whether to another woman or to the work project.
The Yi suggests at 41.4 if you move more slowly you will enjoy things more. I got that advice regarding a trip recently and indeed found slowing down made me worry less and have more fun. 54 is a lot about not creating conflict regarding the other "MIstresses" in your significant other's life, it could be work. music or another person. Not a time to push or draw lines, take it slow and let affection expand naturally.

Thank you, lavalamp. I like your take on this. Had an AHA at "don't like being second." Not at all. I'm second to his job, not other women or the book we're writing together. He is so emotionally drained by the end of the week, I feel that he just doesn't care about me. Or our book project. He reminds me that feelings are not facts.

You're pointing out what had not occurred to me: 54 is my friend not my downfall. I have created conflict in my own mind at least. Really, we need to get this nonfiction finished so I can write fiction, which comes very naturally. LOL