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No good deed goes unpunished

kincadefoster

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So, I reconnected with a friend, and at first things went well....
She is very sweet but with issues and problems
She relapsed after 120 days sober..
One day asked me to pick her up, So I went out on a limb with my roommates, giving her a place to stay for now to get sober...

She knows I like her but it wasn't about that. I was here to help and didn't want a relationship, especially while she is still in recovery and needs to work on many things. But for some reason, she kept making an issue of that. I think she couldn't handle someone genuinely being there for her like no one has, without asking in return...

Anyway she left with a friend, probably to go use with him and have sex with him. I felt this was abuse of my hospitality. Part of her staying here was her agreement not to get involved with people cuz we know where that leads. And just simply the fact that, although I didn't want anything from her, going after another guy after all I've done, no I didn't do it for that, but treating everything I've done and pouring my heart out like it means precisely s**t, is just rubbing it in my face...

What now? 33 unchanging
My best course of action? 28.2.6 > 33
 
B

butterfly spider

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Hello
I do not intend this to be a short response, but I only have a short period of time, so apologies
My first thought is do not expect any gratitude or thanks - you did what you did and now you need to retreat from it. Hex 33 is about not expecting a reward - in my experience. Hex 28 - especially line 2 is to do with relationships (often romantic).

Sometimes, I find that with 33, there is an expectation involved - forget this now. Your best course of action is to gently ask her to leave and get on with your own life.

x
 

Sixth Relative

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Hi K

What's your take on those answers? How do you read them?

They seem pretty clear answers. Are they clear to you? If not, what is not clear?

Best
 

kincadefoster

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Hex 33 uc: timing isn't right: retreat for now
Hex 28.2.6>33: line 2 there was something there, but 6 it failed anyway

In the end, how can I change my feelings, which is what it seems to me she took issue with. But I'm giving her a place to stay, not pressuring her for anything, and giving her affection when she wants me to. People need affection and hugs IMO. How could I have set aside my feelings any more than that? However the last day or two was alot of me being told she "can't give me what I want" broken record. And I kept reiterating, I wouldn't want anything to happen between us right now anyway, at worst, one night stand and at best a tumultuous, turbulent relationship that might last a couple months...

Truth is I've pretty much lost all interest at this point, how can I really like someone who treats me like garbage?
 

moss elk

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Hex 33 uc: timing isn't right: retreat for now

You left something important out of this sentence,
And you added something that is not there.

Hex 33 UC: Retreat (from inferior people was left out)
Timing isn't right... for now. (You added this, the i ching is not saying it.)

'how can I really like someone who treats me like garbage?'
Good point.
You can't, and shouldn't.
 

canislulu

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I asked Yi for an image of the phrase "No good deed goes unpunished" and received 17.5 > 51 as an answer. K, you did a good thing out of the kindness of your heart and you were shocked by the results.

Forgive the following "non-Yi" thoughts which might get bounced by a moderator. They are simply my thoughts for what they are worth.

I don't think starting out in the role of a helper or rescuer often leads to romance in the end. A good deed is a good deed and not often a prologue to "a relationship." Let the people who get paid to guide someone in recovery do that.

Back to Yi's advise: on 28.2
Venerable husband gets a woman to wife.
You deserve a "woman" not a "child" who needs rescued. And then on 28.6 --- there is no blame in your good deed. To proceed further in the relationship would have put you in "over your head".

no harm, no fowl. Retreat, be happy.
:)
 

kincadefoster

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Although that may be an accurate statement as to what often happens in our society,

I refuse to believe it should be the norm. Where wld we be if ppl could never help each other out and relationships become more like business contracts
 

Tohpol

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I don't blame you feeling cheesed off after being treated badly. But I don't think folks were saying that you should never help anyone unless there are stringent rules applied, only that we need to be discerning as to how much help to give and when to give it. In this sense, despite your insistence that this was all unconditional, I think there may have been some unconscious expectations there? Maybe?

The Yi was simply laying the scenario out very clearly within the context of tension (28) and retreat (33). As you said, your friend has issues - quite a lot by the sounds of it - so you're not dealing with someone who is necessarily going to be patting you on the back for your altruism since she is interpreting reality from a somewhat fragmented and an entirely different perspective and therefore suspected that all this "affection" had a price. Not least, if there is attraction at some level from you or between both of you this will complicate the picture even more.

That's not to say everyone doesn't deserve to be treated with respect, but to expect an alcoholic to adhere to the same polite, moral code as designated by you is unrealistic and defines 28.6 pretty well. And the "no blame" refers directly to your point that the intention to help someone was correct even if the identification with a certain outcome wasn't.
 
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D

diamanda

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Where wld we be if ppl could never help each other out

Totally agree, but helping with a view to a future romance is a totally different thing.
You are expecting something from her in return, even if in the future.
She has already told you many times, as you say, that she can't give you what you want.
Retreat sounds like the best thing you can do to protect your own heart.
 

canislulu

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Sometimes it helps me to think about what Yi did not say. Yi didn't say H 5 UC or H 7.4 > 40.
 

canislulu

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By the way, K ---- I like your username --- It sounds as though you are truly a "kindfoster" and not a "cad" and I intend that to be a complement. And I like your comment
I refuse to believe it should be the norm
I agree with that as well.

I agree with diamanda. I believe that Yi has your best interest at heart and wants you to retreat. Easier said than done.
 

kincadefoster

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Well either way you slice it, in the end, I can't get through to her to help her if she's angry w me all the time (And of course I can't change my feelings)
So she is better off in a halfway house and I told her I can't help u anymore, u need to go and she has set it up.

I asked if there is a possible future between us where we could have a relationship(of course this will be when she gets herself sorted a bit more) 17.1.2>47
I was very tired and emotionally drained when I cast that so that may have affected the answer..?
 

Tohpol

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I feel for you having been in that situation a few times. I don't think the answers we receive are affected in any way by our state of mind at the time. What is difficult is the ability to read it objectively when we're emotionally compromised. It's always a good idea to make a note of the question and answer then go back to it when your mind is less agitated. I find that always helps.

I asked if there is a possible future between us where we could have a relationship

17.1.2>47

H.17 Following

17 always reminds me of water and how we must find our own unique flow to navigate through life with assurance. That takes time which is why 17 offers the idea of service and adaptability to an ideal that goes beyond our own individual needs and wants. There's a great force in 17 often misdirected through our own intention or motivation. It needs to find a new route, a more constructive path to flow in a way that assists your growth and that of others.

This hexagram, for me, seems to be very much directed towards unconscious desires - our deepest motives - so it's quite an introspective hexagram. It shows us that we must change our inner compass toward a more fruitful direction to see long term value. And that means it often comes down to making an initial choice between the "mature man" or the more spontaneous energies of the child. Ideally, this can set up the milieu for an integration of both.

Line 1: Is about gaining a bird's eye view - a larger perspective on the situation so that a range of possibilities emerge. It can mean moving away from personal goals to a more group conscious focus.

Line 2: This is a gentle reminder that in order to grow we must leave behind the more childish aspects of our nature in order to tap into true exchange and therefore true joy. These are the growing pains toward true independence and maturity.

The background hexagram to all this is 47, which perfectly describes your mind right now: emotionally exhausted with the whole thing! It may also refer to the fact that, at the moment at least, having a relationship with this young lady is an "exhausted" prospect since the energy isn't present.

So, 17 can feel rather ambiguous and at times frustrating. The Yi is not saying run away from her or that there will necessarily be a future, only that the real transformation that is needed or that will occur naturally - is within you. Then you will likely see things differently as time goes on and be able to be of service in a group sense, as well as whomever you form a relationship with along the way.
 
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kincadefoster

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A couple more questions....

Well I let her know that she needed to go to the halfway house because I can't really give her the best help right now. She has guilt-tripped me a few times about giving up on her and has also said that she knows she is "a mess" right now, so I think deep down she understands..

However, when her ride to take her there came, she was angry w me and at the same time, sat on my lap and gave me a big long hug and told me to call her. Incidentally, my phone has been broken. she took her stuff and left and then a few hours later, blocked me from social networking. I have no phone at the moment, so that is it as far as contact. Knowing her personality, she could have blocked me simply because she was trying to text and or call and I wasn't answering(no phone)

And I'm just thinking "WTF really?" it doesnt make sense blocking me, especially after parting on friendly terms. But I have a feeling when she calms down from whatever anger or paranoia she is feeling she will think something like "Oh sh**, what have I done?"

What is the situation right now? 21.2.3.4>26

I had asked another "best course of action" 2 days ago and got 24.2.3.5>5. Ive gotten a 5 before with her and it makes sense now cuz she ended up going to rehab
 

kincadefoster

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By the way, K ---- I like your username --- It sounds as though you are truly a "kindfoster" and not a "cad" and I intend that to be a complement. And I like your comment I agree with that as well.

Actually it refers to Cade Foster from the sci fi TV series First Wave
 

canislulu

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k, how are you understanding 21.2.3.4 > 26 and 24.2.3.5 > 5, i.e., what interpretation have you arrived at to guide you?
 

kincadefoster

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k, how are you understanding 21.2.3.4 > 26 and 24.2.3.5 > 5, i.e., what interpretation have you arrived at to guide you?

I see 24.2.3.5>5 as referring to the day I got it. I was worried and angry and trying to get her to do whats best for her and after I calmed down and returned to my self and stopped worrying she warmed up to me and we had a good day. But it felt like 5 all day up until then

I'm lost on 21.2.3.4>26 what grabs my attention was the iron arrow. Then my friend I was talking to about this said something like she needs to be straighten herself out or she'll die(she does more than alcohol) but the way my friend said this reminded me of the iron arrow...straight
 

kincadefoster

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Thought I would update this, as I have nothing better to do at the moment and for anyone who may want to know...

After trying to help her and letting her stay again a few days, she left and went back to her druggie boyfriend again... I realized with help from a former addict friend I was just enabling her because I think she really wants to change but as soon as she feels better about herself again with my "help" she goes back to her other life.. She comes to me because I am stable and safe

I have cut her off and I am a little devastated. I can't explain why or how I cared so much about this person, but I can't believe it was purely out of codependency or anything like that.. But I had to do it. I don't know if I will ever see her again...

I have a hard time with thinking there must have been a reason she came back into my life...
How could it all have gone so wrong? 2.3.6>52
 
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Sixth Relative

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From a Wen Wang Gua perspective:
a) the line representing you is You (metal); the line representing her is Hai (water) and the line representing her feelings is Mao (wood), which has the Husband relative attached, meaning she has feelings for another man.
b) the line representing you is produced by the month while the line representing her is destroyed by the month and it is void; meaning that while you are facing a very good time she is so weak, living a very rough time, she is somehow ineffective, lost.
c) the line representing you is active; it moves to produce the line representing her (you are protective, you have feelings for her) and it clashes the line representing her feelings (jelousy? you tried to influence her, somehow don't accept she is in love with someone else).
d) both hex 2 and 52 are total conflict hexagrams. Too much conflict, quarrels. This relation cant work.

Therefore i'd say: she is living a very hard time, she is so weak and void right now; she has strong feelings for another man while you have strong feelings for her; but since you're trying to control or fight her feelings for the other guy, a lot of quarrels arises. On the one hand she can't love you and on the other one you can't accept her being in love with someone else
 

Sixth Relative

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Her addiction could be either the cause or the consequence of the hard time she is living. Or both the cause and consequence, in a vicious circle.
 

moss elk

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I have cut her off and I am a little devastated. I can't explain why or how I cared so much about this person, but I can't believe it was purely out of codependency or anything like that.. But I had to do it. I don't know if I will ever see her again...

We humans (most of us) care about other people.
It is in our natures to do so.
That is why you cared about her.
The inclination to want to help someone is a natural and good thing. But it has to be guided by Wisdom.
We have to ask, 'what is the cost to me of helping this person?' And 'Is my help really working?'

If the cost is devastation and suffering, it isn't usually worth it. If the help isn't working, it is best to move on and cut your losses, and stop the bleeding.
(It is your blood and sanity on the line here.)

I went through some very similar problems (but with less drugs and more mental illness) and made the same mistakes, so when I get passionate in speaking with you, it is out of concern for you.
I hope you will understand that.
Now is the time to start caring about yourself
And the best way to do that is to resolve not to do this to yourself anymore and to make a game plan for how to keep yourself from doing this again.
Then maybe even write it down and place it in a prominent place in your home.
 

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