Now the middle child 24>3

[becalm]

Twice my middle son has rung me looking for answers about his ongoing anxiety but he's very cryptic in sharing.
At the moment he said that fact that his oldest brother is going to Lebanon for a few years is having a huge impact on him.
When I asked him why, he said I don't want to share that with you, when I said okay but I'll tell you why it's good to Accept what others are doing, he said I don't wish to talk about it, end of conversation and I'm hanging up now.
A previous phone call went the same way a few weeks ago but he was talking about something else that was causing his anxiety and again he said I don't want to share it with you.

What do I need to know about the basis of his anxiety Hex 24.3>36 - Seems like he's holding something in a dark place and keeps Returning to it in his mind.

What can I do to help him Hex 31.1.3>17 - Looks like there's nothing I can but wait until he reaches out to me properly.

 

[redoleander]

24.3 > 36 Sounds like rumination, tossing the situations around and around. It could, though, also be simply that there's no solution to his worry so it remains unresolved. Meaning the worry really could be very legitimate and the fact there's no solution is difficult to deal with.

31.1.3 > 17 I would agree with you, it sounds like this is suggesting that on some level you must accept your son's anxiety without rushing to act, much like he might need to learn to accept his brother's actions, etc. I also wonder if Line 1 suggests that you remain aware of anything you're observing in its early phases (this tendency or problem) and not necessarily act yet but just be aware in case it progresses to a more profound anxiety or problem.

 

[diamant]

Very strange behaviour.
- Listen, I've got a problem.
- Ok, what is it?
- I'm not telling you.


What do I need to know about the basis of his anxiety Hex 24.3 > 36
Tuck Chang says about line 24.3: "trying to return to goodness but always failing". The line shows repeated back and forth, from light to darkness and vice versa. It also shows repeated communications. If only this line changes, the situation is heading towards darkness and secrets.

What can I do to help him Hex 31.1.3 > 17
Your influence is too small (31.1). He's following his lower instincts (31.3). All you can do is play along with whatever direction he takes (17).

 

[becalm]

Thanks diamante. Yes so weird. I sent him a message saying if you don't open up to me I can't help you. I rang his younger brother, who's the most 'mature 'out of 3 of them (ironic), and asked him what he knew and if he could check he's okay. They're extremely close brothers but he couldn't shed light on his behaviour either.

Thank you redoleander. I Accept he has as anxiety but he's looking for answers outside himself when I know 100% it's his own Demons but he won't hear of that.
Our family also seems predisposed to anxiety but again that's not the answer he wants to hear.
He wants to find the cause and get rid of it and not just have to manage the anxiety.

After years of being troubled myself I'm finally on top.of it and now all of a sudden he's ringing me with these weird and unsettling phone calls.

 

[rosada]

diamant - I'm not understanding how you're seeing 31.3 as translating to "following his lower instincts." Can you elaborate?

Anyway, becalm, I agree the reading does seem to suggest you have to 17. Follow his lead. The good news is that seeing as how this is what the I Ching recommends it's probably the right approach to take even though you personally would rather he share more details. I also think of 17 as encouraging one that after the energizing of 16.Enthusiasm - and your initial conversation - one wakes up the next morning ready for an inspired new day - so advice for how to be with your son you might try sending him messages that make no reference to the hidden issues but reinforce the positive, like, "Thanks for the call. It's always great to hear your voice" and if he does facebook send him a bunch of pictures of warm puppies. Strengthen the strong beams and the chipping paint wont matter!

 

[becalm]

Thanks Rosada.....we have lots of fun interactions on Instagram so it's not like it's always this anxiety stuff but I did just become a bit concerned yesterday. The weird thing is his brother told me, just a couple of days ago, they spoke on the phone for hours and he was fine. I guess part of us, no matter what age, want our mum to fix things and anxiety can overcome us unexpectedly.
If he doesn't want to share things with me I'm okay with that just don't ring and be cryptic. Either speak up or don't say anything.
About 4 years ago he sat opposite me and told me what a horrible, awful person I am. At the time I was already in an awful mental place myself and I went on to have a nervous breakdown. I never stopped communicating with him and he never apologised, we've touched on the subject briefly but I don't find the need to dissect it either.
Whether that's part of his Demons I don't know but it's got nothing to do with me. He knows I've forgiven him because he knows me.

 

[rosada]

Oh, golly, becalm!
Thinking about this some more. How about rather than assuming he's cutting you off think of him as reaching out to you, think of that call as him saying, "I just needed to hear the sound of your voice and let you know I could sure use your good prayers this week." And you could message him back something brief or send him a card.

As to what to say, I hear the lyrics as I write this. "Spring Summer Winter or Fall, all you have to do is call, just call me and I'll be there. You've got a friend." So something that just says Hi.

Looking at the lines again...
31.1 Your mother's intuition picks up on something.
31.3 Confusion as to how to proceed.
17. Follow the lead that comes to you.

 

[becalm]

Thanks Rosada that sounds right for sure. I sent him this song link

 

[kevin]

Hi Becalm

The song link you sent, what a lovely way just to be there for him.

You sound like you are managing what must be a worrying situation rather well. My first question to him would be does he feel safe? It sounds like he is reaching out, but is too frightened to share the reason. That is the one question and the only question I would ask him. But, I am me and you are his mother. He clearly feels that you are the person he can safely reach out to, so you are in a good position to help.

It may be that he is struggling and just checking you are there for him. That might be all he can manage at the moment.

I'm late to the reading and it sounds as if you have a clarity about how you want to proceed with this.

But, there may be something in my reading which might be helpful. So here it is for what it's worth.

Your reading 31.1.3 > 17 is full of good 'therapy' advice. Advice on how to be to help the most.

Hx.31 Influence, is what you are being asked to do. Influencing him and his situation is helping him, but first you need to know how and where to influence. This advice really comes in to its own if you look at the trigrams. You are at the inner position Gen / Mountain. This means, "Keep still" be immoveable, present and silent. Mountain is also what holds things safe. look at the trigram, and upturned bowl. It holds and protects. It provides a safe place, but does nothing. (See the Shuogua).

He is the outer trigram throughout these changes. And that is consistently Dui - Lake - He is reflecting, considering. That includes worrying and suchlike.

When the first line changes the advice given in the text is for you not to be hasty, don't push things. If you consider only this line changing there is further advice about the situation it is connected to, Hx. 49 Moulting / Revolution. The beginning (first line position) of a change into the new. Here I would again focus on the trigrams. He is still in the upper position of reflecting, but you here are Li. Bright understanding. By being still and available and not pushing the matter with him you will gain the insight to know what to do, or say.

When line three changes the text advice is to endure. Enduring is a passive action wholly appropriate to Mountain in the inner position. But, look where that line leads. Hx.45 Gathering Together. The connection you and he seek, or need in this tiime. Again the trigrams for Hx. 45 add to the picture. He is, of course, still reflecting as Lake. Here you are Earth / Kun the receptive. So to endure you need to be as Kun, accepting, not acting in any way, being the still receptive place he can come to. Think of the therapist, they often sit quietly, merely creating a safe place and being receptive. Mountain and Earth.

When both changing lines are considered together you are presented with Hx.17 Following. Now this is interesting. Because Following both your son and the situation is both the context of the reading and perhaps the situation you need to get to, the direction in which you are travelling. So, on the one hand you are in a position of having to follow his lead and needs, but also your best way forward is to do just that. Again considering the trigrams sheds a little more light. Here you are Thunder/Zhen. Undergoing the shock / surprise of the new event. Reading Yijing overall the way to deal with Zhen is to adapt. So in order to move forward fruitfully your surprise and perhaps even the impact this is having on you is recognised, but just 'Follow' the process.

This is what I think Yi is saying to you.

I do hope some of this might be helpful.

Be well

Kevin

 

[becalm]

Thank you Kevin. It's a song that's helped me as well and when I first heard it months ago I actually thought of him as he's taught me a lot as he can.be a kind and giving person.
Of course my biggest concern is self harm to himself which is why I rang my youngest son but he reassured me he really is okay.
He's seeing a psychologist and making a big effort to manage the anxiety but what he wants is to not have to manage it but to just not have it. No easy fix if you won't talk to the one person (me in this case) about what's really troubling you.
I passed on a couple of the strategies that I personally use, to his brother because, coming from him rather than me, feels like a better option.
I've never been a forceful mother, always been there for the boys and your interpretation of my readings sounds exactly what I'm doing. So that's good

 

[kevin]

Hi Becalm
This must be heart rending.
I'm so glad he's getting professional support as well.
You sound wise and experienced.
I do wish you both an end to this torment.
Warmly
Kevin