Questions about finding a compatible partner

[Chione]

Dear all,
I have been reading along in this forum for a while now but this is my first post. I'm quite new to the IChing and don't know yet for sure how to interpret "these numbers" or even what to think of it in general - but I'm interested to see where it might take me.
The background to my questions (asked yesterday and today) is that I have been alone for a long time now. In fact I never had a longterm commited relationship - ever.

1) What is the right attitude for me to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months?
15.3 to 2
2) Why is it so difficult for me to find someone?
49.1.4.5 to 15
3) What, if anything, should I do differently (while still staying true to myself and my values) to find a compatible, loving partner for a mutually satisfying longterm relationship?
44 unchanging


Maybe too many questions in a row - but then again I think they are all linked and different and give a more comprehensive picture of the situation than just a single question. I have read all the threads in this forum that had the same (or similar) answers yet it's difficult for me to apply these answers to my questions.

Maybe you have some insights?
So hi again and thank you in advance

Chione

 

[Chione]

Anything? Anyone?

 

[marybluesky]

Hello Chione!

What is the right attitude for me to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months? 15.3 to 2
15.3: "Liu: The superior man works in a modest way to conclusion. Good fortune." To be yourself, act in a modest way and look for potential partners without pushing too hard; and be receptive and open.

Why is it so difficult for me to find someone? 49.1.4.5 to 15
Something needs to undergo a big Change (49) before finding the right one.
49.1: " Wu: He appears as if with a yellow cow’s hide." Someone is hardly attached to things that limit the possibility for action.
49.4: "Wu: Regret disappears. Confidence abounds. Revolution will be auspicious." To make the changes, you should be confident, without doubts.
49.5: "Wu: The great man makes changes like a tiger. He is confident of success even without divination." Then you can powerfully change the situation;
and everything be in its Natural Place (15).

What, if anything, should I do differently (while still staying true to myself and my values) to find a compatible, loving partner for a mutually satisfying longterm relationship? 44 unchanging

Hexagram 44 is Coupling. It also talks about a big influential force we can't tame. Don't be afraid of love, emotions and attraction. Don't try to control them either. Let them enter your life, and you'll be rewarded.

Good Luck!

 

[diamanda]

What is the right attitude for me to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months?
15.3 > 2
Reach a conclusion and stick to it. For example, "I will only accept a partner who is caring and is looking for commitment". Because of resulting 2, it doesn't look possible to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months.

Why is it so difficult for me to find someone?
49.1.4.5 > 15
49.1 shows being wrapped up in comfort and luxury. Then a dramatic and complete clear change happens, resulting in something quite tepid. Do you usually go for flashy dramatic characters?

What, if anything, should I do differently (while still staying true to myself and my values) to find a compatible, loving partner for a mutually satisfying longterm relationship?
44 unchanging
Learn how to recognise dangerous people who are after sex only without commitment.

 

[Chione]

Thank you marybluesky and diamanda for taking the time to look at my questions and castings.
"Reach a conclusion and stick to it" - sounds reasonable. You may also be right that it will not be possible to find someone within the next couple of months - but how do you read that from the 2 as the resulting hexagram?
And then of course I feel tempted to ask: if I follow the advice, will I find someone? (But this is a yes or no question). So - if I follow the advice, when will I find someone? Does the IChing answer "when" questions? I at least would not know how to read an information about time from the hexagrams.

As for why it is so difficult for me to find someone and your question - no, I do not go for flashy dramatic characters. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm usually drawn to the lone wolf type, hard on the outside, soft on the inside. Reserved about showing or talking about feelings. What touches me in a man often is a trait of loneliness, sadness, melancholy...

 

[Chione]

... so I thought some more about the hexagrams I've received. I must say they are (were) still not completely clear to me. Hex 15 is named "modesty", "integrity". I must admit I cannot relate to "modesty" at all. The word alone makes me revolt - modest?? Me?? No way! I do not want to be "modest"! It reminds me of the appeal to muslim women to "dress modestly" and veil their body. Don't misunderstand me: if someone decides that this is what she wants to do - go ahead. But please do not tell me what I should do! I'd rather be brazen and cheeky!

Then I read Hilary's take on hex 15. She calls it "Integrity" - well, that's an entirely different story. Integrity, unity within oneself, also, "a call to realism". That does resonate with me. Reminds me of the qualities of Saturn in astrology - and indeed I have a strong Saturnian streak in my radix. It's also called "Authenticity" elsewhere, which also resonates with me a lot.

Then the 3rd line. (Wilhelm translation)
A superior man of modesty and merit
Carries things to conclusion.
Good fortune.

Changing into 2, the Receptive. Diamanda said that this indicates that it will not be possible to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months. Still don't know how she comes to that conlusion. (If you read this, diamanda, would you mind to explain?)
So I thought, well, if not within the next couple of months, then maybe rephrase the question without a time limit:
What is the best attitude for me to find a compatible partner?
Answer: hex 23 unchanging

I guess I need no explanation for this. At the same time it makes the answer to the first question clearer: Get rid of the idea to find someone, it won't happen - not within the next couple of months, not within the next couple of years. Accept this, carry on with what you have to do and there will be good fortune nontheless.

Haha. Not sure if I am to laugh or to cry.

 

[marybluesky]

I don't read hexagram 23 uc as "forget about the idea". You should strip something away: that could be old layers of thought, past ideas.

 

[Chione]

Hmm. Past ideas? Old layers of thought? Don't really know what that could be referring to. And then the hexagram is unchanging - doesn't that mean the situation is unlikely to change?

 

[rosada]

The right attitude for finding a partner: Have an open and receptive state of mind (2) and be on the look out for a decent helpful person who goes about their life without fanfare (15.3) This advice seems to go along with your receiving 44. as the response to what you should do differently. The image of 44. is of wind blowing across the heavens and represents someone looking all about the world without getting drawn into any inappropriate relationship. So basically it seems to be saying, "Look around!" And maybe also enlarge your search - maybe join Match.com?

Hexagram 2 is a large fertile field, it's a peaceful feeling but nothing grows if nothing has been planted. So it can indicate nothing comes of your desire if you don't have a strong enough intention. So if your feeling is, "Oh, to have a nice partner someday..." your unconscious isn't getting a clear enough signal as to what the goal is and so you won't be made aware of possibilities. Making a list as to what you are looking for in a partner can be magical. Write out ten qualities - age, education, interests etc. - you are looking for and notice who shows up. Maybe not the love of your life but you will start to recognize how your outer experience does mirror your inner intention.

Why is it difficult for me to find someone? 49.
You mention you are attracted to a certain sort of guy, the somewhat melancholy lone wolf type. Hummph! Perhaps that is why it is so difficult = Your type isn't the partnership type! However 49 means you can change this. Reprogram your unconscious to be attracted to the gentle, modest, good guy type (15)!

Best attitude? 23. Shedding. Everything we have in our head, house and world is sending out a signal to attract more of the same. Go through your house and toss out everything that does not bring you joy. Especially if you still have things you've out grown or that anchor you to old relationships. The more your home and your appearance are in alignment with your inner self - "What you see is what you get!" - the more likely you will attract friends who are right for you.

 

[marybluesky]

Hmm. Past ideas? Old layers of thought? Don't really know what that could be referring to. And then the hexagram is unchanging - doesn't that mean the situation is unlikely to change?

You have consulted the I Ching for advise: "What is the best attitude for me to find a compatible partner? ", not the oracle to see what will happen.

 

[Chione]

Thank you again marybluesky and rosada for taking the time to comment on my readings.
True, marybluesky, I did ask for the best attitude. Shedding. Getting rid of something. Is there anything that anchors me - as you put it, rosada - in old relationships? Anything that I could get rid of? What are these "old relationships" anyway? Affairs, mostly. With men of the melancholy lonesome wolf type. Not exclusively though - I've tried others. And there is gentle, good guys among the lonesome wolf types too!

Yes, I have been looking around. I have lived in different countries, I've tried bars, clubs and dating sites there. I've tried joining groups for shared activities. (I have been working in mostly all female environments and I do not have groups of friends - but that's the only ways of meeting someone I have next to no experience with).
I've written my lists, lists of what I want from a man, from a relationship, wishes to the universe. They are not lists about age, education or interests, these, to me, are just external things and I can imagine men who would meet the critera on the list but would still not be able to offer what I want or need in a relationship. So instead I have focused on writing up what my needs in a relationship really are. Over the years, I think, I have come to a pretty clear idea of what that is.
This is also why I feel drawn to the melancholy lonesome wolf type - or let's put it differently: I cannot relate to men who do not have some understanding of existential loneliness, who do not share the existential experience that this world is often harsh, cruel and unjust - and yet continue to try to make it better - or just liveable - with a spirit of "nevertheless". Men who combine that melancholy with courage and an openness for the future. Men who inspire me. I cannot relate to the "simple guy" or the "happy-go-lucky-sort of guy". I'am a melancholy lonesome wolf type myself - or at least, part of me is (The other part is courageous, with an openness for the future ;-) ).
To feel emotionally connected at a deep level, I need someone who is able to understand me - not just cognitively, but at a deep emotional level. I cannot get that from a simple happy-go-lucky sort of guy.

But I agree that just because I can see existential loneliness in someone doesn't mean that they are aware of it or willing to face it themselves not to mention that they are looking for the same in a partner. On the contrary, it seems often they are on the lookout for a woman who is the opposite of what they are, someone to distract them from themselves. I'm not good for distraction, I'm afraid.

Could it be that hex 44 in the reading above does refer to me rather than to the men in my life? Could this be the way they see me?
The woman is powerful. Do not marry such a woman.
More than once I had a man tell me that he likes me, he thinks I'm a great person and would like to continue to be friends (and even sex is fine) - but he is just not in love with me - and then they went on to marry or have a commited relationship with someone else (the relationship may have ended or be troubled some years later - but still, they were willing to enter a commited relationship - just not with me).

 

[rosada]

I just read your other thread about all the changes you are going through to get aligned with the work you really want to do. Perhaps this is the 49. Revolution you first experience that leads to connecting with Mr. Right! Hope so!

 

[marybluesky]

Could it be that hex 44 in the reading above does refer to me rather than to the men in my life? Could this be the way they see me?
The woman is powerful. Do not marry such a woman.
More than once I had a man tell me that he likes me, he thinks I'm a great person and would like to continue to be friends (and even sex is fine) - but he is just not in love with me - and then they went on to marry or have a commited relationship with someone else (the relationship may have ended or be troubled some years later - but still, they were willing to enter a commited relationship - just not with me).

After your explanation, I see 44 in a different light: it's the thing that should change, not the thing you should change into.
So, you need to find a way to stop seeming that powerful, sexy friend who's not GF material;
OR
you have to stop spending your time on guys who see you too strong to date, and start attracting another type of men.
Would you mind asking the I Ching about the type of guy you can have a good relationship with?

 

[Chione]

First of all, thank you rosada and marybluesky - you really give me hope as you seem to still see possibilities when I am inclined to interpret things as: no, even the IChing doesn't see a commited relationship possible for me! Maybe this could be the way of thinking to shed - but it's hard with all those years of trying and still being alone. How do people even do that - get into commited relationships? It's a mystery to me!

But yes, rosada, the career change I am up to could be the major revolution 49 is talking about. Contrary to the field I have been working in so far the career change implies also moving into a predominantely male domain. So I will have many male collegues - that could help.
In that case the answer - 49.1.4.5 > 15 - to the question "Why is it so difficult for me to find someone?" would read: Because you need a revolution, a kind of molting - you have been in a (work and prior to that study) environment for too long that did not suit you and did not allow you to live your authentic self (15). At the moment it is not yet time to act though (line 1) - which is true because courses only start in October, but a change in command (career change) will bring about good fortune and remorse will disappear (line 4). This is so obvious, that you do not need to ask (line 5).

Marybluesky, I have asked the question you suggested:
What is the type of guy I can have a good, satisfying relationship with?
received 53.3 > 20
I'm always at a loss when the answer to a question asking for a positive outcome is negative. What does this mean? Gradual Progress would imply a guy who is willing to take a slow step by step approach. But line 3 refers to someone who walkes out and does not come back, an expectation that is not met.
I mean it cannot possibly mean the guy who I can have a good, satisfying relationship with is one who promises a slow step by step approach but then does not keep the promise and walks out on me!?
And then: The relating hexagram is 20, Seeing. Washing hands, and not making the offering. There is truth and confidence like a presence.
The image is talking about wind moving over the earth...
This reminds me of experiences I had - mostly in nature but sometimes also in the middle of a crowded city - where I just sit there and look out, without wanting anything, without having anything to do, free of hussle and chores, thoughts coming and going, but nothing in particular, forgetting about time and about myself - just being there and watching... I love those moments!

But how does this relate to the guy who I can have a good relationship with?

 

[moss elk]

Hi,

1) What is the right attitude for me to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months?
15.3 to 2

Put your nose to the grindstone and get to work. Don't think in big grand terms.
Don't think of epic accompishments or shiney accolades. Roll up your sleeves and
Do what needs to be done. If you are inclined to be haughty, drop that.

3) What, if anything, should I do differently (while still staying true to myself and my values) to find a compatible, loving partner for a mutually satisfying longterm relationship?
44 unchanging

Go out to meet people.
Easy Peasy.

 

[diamanda]

Diamanda said that this indicates that it will not be possible to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months. Still don't know how she comes to that conlusion. (If you read this, diamanda, would you mind to explain?)

Hi Chione,
15 is a very low key hexagram, and I never had tangible results with it. 2 is empty, a female alone. Hence, because your question was about the next couple of months, there doesn't seem to be anyone in it.

What is the best attitude for me to find a compatible partner?
Answer: hex 23 unchanging
Get a peeling? Wear more revealing tops? (the Image mentions "peel top").

What is the type of guy I can have a good, satisfying relationship with?
53.3 > 20
Someone who is married but already thinking of divorce.

 

[rosada]

Maybe the type of guy 53.3 - 20 is describing is someone who, like you, has been disappointed in relationships not resulting in commitment and who now, like you, is 20., that is, he's Viewing the scene with a sort of detached awareness.

 

[marybluesky]

What is the type of guy I can have a good, satisfying relationship with? 53.3 > 20
A guy who's been left alone, or left an unfulfilling relationship and "resists" the fruitless affairs.

 

[Chione]

This is strange. I've met such a guy last year. He had just left a long, unfulfilling marriage. It started out completely unpretentious, without any expectations but somehow we got closer (I started to fall for him when I noticed the melancholy behind his appearance of cool). He's one of the most tender guys I've ever known. We spent Christmas and New Year together. But then he decided he'd rather continue to pursue that co-worker of his - a woman much younger than him and herself in a relationship.

 

[diamanda]

The way you describe this guy, it's more possible that his wife left him. Maybe you're prepared to forgive anything if you find melancholy?

 

[Trojina]

I wrote this out once and lost it so shortened version

"1) What is the right attitude for me to find a compatible partner within the next couple of months?
15.3 to 2"

You have the right attitude already. 15 is poorly named 'Modesty' given we tend to have associations of meekness and so on but Hilary calls it 'Integrity'. So this is to do with being realistic in assessment of yourself and situations you encounter and you are doing pretty well at that. Yi often answers far more than the question we put and I feel here this is a kind of a pat on the back, you're doing well overall in your attitude. Your attitude is not a problem. Line 3 often comes up for me when I worry I can't complete something. This cast bodes well in the sense that in your life overall you are acting well in a realistic and balanced way and this does produce good fortune.



"2) Why is it so difficult for me to find someone?
49.1.4.5 to 15"

It is just that the time is not yet ripe because there are all sorts of changes in your situation and in you but when the cycle moves forward, and you'd be in the process of it now, then there's nothing in your way. So you aren't doing anything wrong infact you



3) What, if anything, should I do differently (while still staying true to myself and my values) to find a compatible, loving partner for a mutually satisfying longterm relationship?
44 unchanging

You don't need to do anything differently and the very idea that you need to do something differently is an intrusion into the normal course of things, hence 44.

 

[my_key]

What is the type of guy I can have a good, satisfying relationship with?
received 53.3 > 20

But how does this relate to the guy who I can have a good relationship with?

There may need to be some changes in the way you see a 'satisfying relationship' and this will become clearer to you as you sit with this question more. Follow the echoes. As things become clearer to you you will realise that the type of guy you are looking for is not the type you have been attracted to in the past but one who can support and protect you and one that you can trust.

Good Luck

 

[Trojina]

I think the 53.3 came from misunderstandings of earlier questions.

You'd been answered well by Yi. it said there was no attitude problem in this area really and big changes, deep changes were underway in the 49. When deep changes in you or in the situation are going on it's not the right time for a relationship but you will get there.

44 advised that idea of needing to change was a false one.


You then asked

"Marybluesky, I have asked the question you suggested:
What is the type of guy I can have a good, satisfying relationship with?
received 53.3 > 20"


I think questions like this take people way off track into the realms of fortune telling - obviously this is isn't a direct answer is it

 

[Trojina]

Hi Chione,


What is the best attitude for me to find a compatible partner?
Answer: hex 23 unchanging
Get a peeling? Wear more revealing tops? (the Image mentions "peel top").
.

Um this is a joke isn't it ? Has to be, you cannot seriously mean 23uc means wear more revealing tops can you ?

 

[rosada]

23. Go to a Strip Club?

 

[Trojina]

Hilarious

 

[Chione]

Stip Club hehe - don't put ideas in my head... Hmm maybe better go skinny dipping? Very 15-modestly of course! ;-)

 

[Chione]

But on a more serious note - yes, Trojina, your interpretation makes a lot of sense. Everything becomes very clear that way. Down-to-earth, sober but heartening. I've read somewhere (I think it was in one of Hilary's texts) that the 'modesty' in 15 means that there is only so much you can do in a given situation - which of course is especially true in situations that involve others and their feelings, needs, dreams, conditionings, desires and decisions.

@diamanda - yes, I guess if I like somebody I am pretty forgiving. This is because when I feel for someone, it is easy for me to take their perspective, to see things with their eyes. But also because - maybe not in the midst of an emotional argument or feelings of hurt and disappointment but after some time - I can see things from a disdance. I can understand why they did what they did - even if I don't like it.

 

[Chione]

Almost two years have passed since I posted the original reading and I thought I might come back and share what has happened in the meantime. I always find this useful when I read it in other posts.
So.
I did not meet anyone - or rather, I met many new people, but no one for an intimate relationship. Recently I often catch myself thinking "What was it again I wanted a relationship for?" - and I can't find an answer. True, deep down there is still a vague sense of longing. Sometimes. But I know the kind of companionship I am longing for is rare. It might never happen. And that's ok.