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relationship evolution... 8.4.5.6 > 35 Good or bad? Who knows...

mozzer

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Hello, everybody, I hope that some of you will answer me... thank you in advance who will do it!

I'll try to be brief.

For months I've been dating a woman who, although she doesn't want a relationship with me, keeps looking for me.

On the occasion of my birthday she organized for us a weekend in a beautiful city, a very welcome gift.
Obviously she has chosen to stay in separate rooms, we are not a couple.
We had a good time together, and once again I told her my feelings, telling her that all this is nice, but if this relationship can not evolve into something more, it makes no sense for me to continue.

She hasn't ruled out this evolution, she says she needs time (more?), but she said she's fine with it, she's built her comfort zone where she's free to hang out with whoever she wants without bonding with anyone. She is afraid of being vulnerable, of being abandoned and prefers to live like that.

I think life is outside the comfort zone, but I understand and accept her choice.

I told her that if that's the case it doesn't make sense for me to continue seeing each other. She was hurt, she said I hurt her, she was moved and then she came closer, she talked about other weekends together, she wants to invite me to dinner at her house.

Honestly, I don't know what to think at this point.

I wish I could end it, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I asked the I Ching what to do with her now and I got an interesting answer, but I don't know how to interpret it:

8.4.5.6 > 35

The hexagrams speak of union and progress (the evolution of the relationship?).
The mutant lines seem to me like instructions on how to behave:

- The fourth line says "Hold to him outwardly also. Perseverance brings good fortune".
- I interpret the fifth line as leaving her free to decide whether to stay or not, not to push her too hard...
- Does the sixth line say that there can be no agreement? Or can there be under certain conditions?

The next hexagram is progress, which at first sight seems to me to be positive.

But I'm afraid I'm too optimistic.

Can someone help me? Thank you.

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)
 

rosada

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I see 8.4 as you being advised that "what you see is what you get." The way she wants this relationship to appear to others in public - that is, that yo are friends, not committed lovers - is indeed how the relationship is.
I see 8.5 as advising that you really do need to accept that she's not going to be coerced into anything, and indeed it would be very bad for the future if there were some sense of being forced or manipulated.
I see 8.6 as warning that eventually the attraction will pass.

So the first hex and lines seem to mirror what she has told you, that she wants to feel free to hang out with whom ever she likes and prefers not to make any commitments.

I think the second hexagram while sounding positive is not making any promises about the future. Rather I think it seems to be saying that if you can really get and understand the terms laid out in hex. 8 that would be 35. Progress, and perhaps it is a promise that the relationship could be a fun friendship even though eventually you out grow it (8.6).

So as far as what to do with her now, I think you are being told if you want the relationship to Progress you have to recognize her boundaries and play by those rules without having some secret hope that there will be a change. There may be, but don't continue if you are only hanging in there because you expect a change.

Accept her as she is.

I think this might also be implying that you should be considering what your life goals are. If you are looking for a wife you may need to take this reading as a wake up call. Accepting her as she is doesn't necessarily mean you stay together. It could mean you accept, recognize, that she does not want commitment and therefore move on.
 
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mozzer

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Thanks Rosada, yours are wise words.
I think things are exactly as you say.
 
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Freedda

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Hello Mosser. It's interesting to me that we often ask 'how can I make this better' or 'how can I make this work'" but we're often thinking how it will make it better for another, or make it work for them - and not ourselves.

One meaning for hex. 8 is about belonging. Looking at the imagery, here the water's of the earth are not flowing in their channels, or rivers, and nor are they gathered in lakes abnd marshes, but are instead on the surface of the earth - so they are out of place and seeking a way to find their 'flow' - back into their river, or lake, or groundwater - where they belong.

It seems to fit with what you're saying. You want to find a way to make things work for you - but instead you seem to be asking about how it will fit for someone else! And what's interesting is she's already making the situation work - for her! So perhaps now I think you may want to find your flow, your way of being.

So, the advice might be that you need to shine a bit of light, or add some clarity to this situation; you need to get clear: whom are you making it better for? And - perhaps setting aside the other person for the moment - what do you want and need out of the relationship so that you can have a sense of belonging?

I'm guessing that you want more intimacy and to be more than just friends, and that's perfectly natural. One place this might lead (by way of examples only) is you saying something like: 'look, I really like being with you, but you and I both know I want more from this relationship, so .... (some possible options):

... 'I need to end this so I can make myself available to get what I want', or 'we can continue, but you should know I need to make myself open to finding someone who wants what I want' (having been in this latter situation - it's a bit of a shaky proposition, and you could also end up on the short end of the stick, with her saying, 'oh gee, you've been a great friend, but I have now found the love of my life ....'), or something else entirely ....

Overall, I think you need to find where you belong, what works for you, and that is where your focus should be.

Best, d
 
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mozzer

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Thank you Freedda, even your words are very helpful to understand.

I'm probably wrong, and I don't know the i ching like experts, but I'm inclined to interpret the oracle literally, or at least give value to the metaphors it expresses.

That is why I try to formulate clear questions, hoping to get clear questions.

I repeat, I am probably wrong, but in this case I asked what is right to do with this person, and "seeking union" and "progress" have a precise literal meaning.

Sticking to the exact words,
8.4 says perseverance brings good fortune.
8.5 speaks of "prey" to be caught leaving them a chance of escape,
and that there will be good fortune.
8.6 says that without agreement there can be no union, that is obvious.

Progress means progress.

I know, so it's too simple and superficial, but I think the words of the I Ching must mean something, even just as they are.
 
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Freedda

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I think there's no right or wrong, and that both literal and metaphorial meanings can work - along with those meanings based on the imagery. I'd say, if you want, go with your interpretation (and feelings) and see what transpires. I could easily be wrong as well, especially since I'm doing this from afar and I don't know all the details!

But perhaps also consider these lines as a process:

8.4: join with her and committment is promising (but remember too, committment is a two-way street).

8.5: to belong - to show others you're not above them and that you don't always need to win all the game on the hunt (I'm not really sure what this means, but maybe it describes where you are now with your willingness to go along with her needs?).

8.6 (and perhaps): in the end you need leadership - perhaps direction - for things to continue to work out. And could this as easily be yours as it is someone else's?

Best, D
 

mozzer

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Freedda, surely there is no right or wrong in all things, I can only agree.

I love the I Ching, for many, many years, and if I understand one thing is that everyone reads it the way they want, it's its charm!

I don't know what to say, but I think the answer doesn't mean to end the relationship, at least for now. In my opinion it means what Rosada says, take what comes, don't force things, otherwise the misfortune happens. But as wise and right as it is, this seems to me a somewhat trivial warning, which can be adapted to any situation.

We'll see...
 
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Freedda

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In my opinion it means what Rosada says, take what comes, don't force things, otherwise the misfortune happens.
Thanks. Do check back with us if you can to let us know how things turned out! Best, d.
 
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mozzer

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I couldn't resist the temptation to ask another question...

I followed Hilary's suggestion and asked:
"What's now the best attitude to take to this relationship?"

I got
20.3>53

Given that I am involved in the situation and cannot be objective, that seems to me to be a positive response.

What do you think?
 

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