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Relationship stress and 49.6>13

meganj

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Today I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, haven't stopped thinking since I awoke.
The problem is my relationship with my bf. I feel like we are at a point where enough is enough. I feel angry alot of the time and can't help but push him away because I feel i'm not doing as well as I think he deserves. In my heart though I can't help feeling that I can't trust him, (he's a really great guy) but like maybe he doesn't care for me as much as he says. We both work and go to school, so the only time we really hang out nowdays is late in the evening. I feel a part of me has stopped trying because of the stress, I haven't been to the gym, my eating habits are not good, I'm starting to get lazy and moody, and it's just horrible! I get into these moods where I'm happy and I think this is going to work because it's worth it and I love him and we are both doing good we have alot to be thankful for but then I start thinking maybe he can do better.
Sometimes I think maybe i'd just do better on my own *sigh*
we have broken up once for 3 months and got back together 3 months ago.
But it seems like all those old things I could'nt shove aside before didn't heal when we split, I am a jealous person but now even more so.
This isn't what I wanted to happen. I thought in the beginning this was a challenge I could learn from and overcome, and it did work for awhile but then I realized I was just shoving how I felt away and things started to get bad.
I don't know what's wrong, and why I can't trust him, maybe it's me.


I asked is there a reason why I can't feel at peace with him in our relationship?
49.6>13

And quoting an old post from Willowfox the advice is;

willowfoxMay 25th, 2007, 10:05 PM
Hex 49.6 you should examine your own approach and attitude to life, because it is down to you to find the solution to your problem, it would appear that you must dig down deep to find out what is wrong. Once you have got to grips with the problem then the changes that you need will take place but in the beginning you must be satisfied with small and obtainable goals which will stabilize your life. then the building can commence.

Hex 13 once you have found your answer then it will be time for you to get out there and join in with others in the spirit of cooperation and to be free from self interest, a time to open up and trust others, so that they will trust you in return. So be determined , communicate and you will succeed in finding a path in life.


I'm not sure what the changes need to be, and if it would be better to leave or to stay, i've been thinking that over for awhile now.
I've asked so many questions I can't tell what the yi is trying to tell me anymore..
Please help!
Thanks
 
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meganj

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I also asked,
Are we good for each other? and got
Hex 5.1.2.4>31

And

Where are we going with this relationship?
Hex 35.2.4>4

What do we need to work on for things to get better in our relationship?
hex 46.1.2.5>63
 
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chingching

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go to some translations of the text first before the archives, answers are within the context of the question asked, esp. WF's.

49.6 , are you the noble or the small man, have you made a real change with your partner or a superficial one. I think that even though you had been sincere in getting back together that the change was not complete or enough. Perhaps the real issues, which now lead you to feel uncertain, were not uncovered, or shed.

and it did work for awhile but then I realized I was just shoving how I felt away and things started to get bad.

the line advices that constancy brings good fortune.

What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels.
Saint Augustine
 

meganj

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Hmm, well he changed sincerely. I held on to my anger over another girl I suspect he likes.
He says they're just friends, but things like us arguing then him saying he misses her in the middle of our argument (not over her, but something completely different) kinda make me suspect otherwise..
Anyways I think the one who didn't change was me, but I would like to, so we can make this work.
I just don't know where to start... my attitude needs to change that's for sure.

Thanks for replying chingching
 

chingching

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Well i think the fact that you are aware and asking questions is the beginning of change.

49 is attributed to animals molting, this happens over a period of time, so its not all of a sudden. And if you havent already been to lise's translation I think you can take heart in these words:

Be content with the results when everybody acts as best he can. Asking for more will bring about failure and bad feelings. A change is for the better, not for perfection.
http://www.yijing.nl/i_ching/hex_49-64/hex_e_49.htm
 

meganj

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Well i think the fact that you are aware and asking questions is the beginning of change.

49 is attributed to animals molting, this happens over a period of time, so its not all of a sudden. And if you havent already been to lise's translation I think you can take heart in these words:

http://www.yijing.nl/i_ching/hex_49-64/hex_e_49.htm

That makes so much sense, thank you.
Now that a couple days have passed I can see the meaning for those hex'.
Happy thanksgiving!! :blush:
 

gnar

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For the first reading 49.6

49 -- skinning, is about shedding old skin. What's worn out must be renewed. It's about a cycle of wearing out and underneath having growth that will soon become the new. When it comes to relationships, it's clear GE is about renewal. A time of inner change for the next cycle.

49.6 -- Speaks about two kinds of change. One is full, complete, and believable. The other is partial, and only for show. It advises against initiating, and commends perseverance.

So with regards to your question, I would say I am restless and tossed and turned because either:
a. Someone has changed, from the inside out, or is changing. For better or worse in my view and interests, it doesn't matter. What matters is there is this complete change going on, and it is best to see things through until the phase is complete.
b. Someone's expressions has changed, and yet remains the same inside. Some form of mask has been shed off, and the true face is revealed.

Hex 13 -- is about interactions, and watching as if seeing the many different groups of people and their lives. And it describes separating things according to what or who they are.

So in summary, if I were to ask your question, I'd be encouraged to get more acquainted with more people. To open up and just be a man among the many, and having an eye of allowing myself to get an understanding of the many different kinds of people living in this world.

I would understand that it is me who has completely changed, or has finally lost my mask and found a truth inside me. Or it could be the other person. It would be easier though to look at one's self, and check this out if it were true.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the question, "Are we good for each other?"

5.1,2,4

5 -- To remain, is about staying put. It's about pauses, or long standing states or situation. It's about giving way to things, while remaining in place but not affected. It commends cheerfulness and being in a calm and relaxed state of mind. We could say this is about "to Chill-out man!" :)

line 1 -- This line describes being in a state where things are left to themselves. No one grazes and disturbs it. It's pure, untouched. It encourages to remember and take hold of true things, and things that truly lasts or endures.

In a sense, this line could remind us that there are things pure, untouched, free, and it is at these moments that we are reminded of how fragile things can be. We then hold on to things that are truly enduring. The things that are always constant.

line 2 -- This describes being in a place where you really see can easily move about. A place constantly changing, or easily disturbed. This can be seen as a good thing, or a bad thing. Dents can be easily formed, but they can also be easily washed away. But still, it requires a lot of effort to keep the same as you would like it. This speaks of talks from everywhere. Ideas flying around from no where. There is good in this since as these things fly about, you see yourself as you reject, evaluate, and accept things that stick on you. Nevertheless, this place is not reliable in a sense that if one seeks to keep a steady picture of it, it would require a lot of energy, and watchfulness.

line 4 -- This describes brooding, sorrow, or generally dark states. Either of mind or things outside where one is in. It's not enough to stay in a limiting, and dark place like this. It's not helpful either.

31 -- To call, describes being open to others, or another. To allow them to trust that you would receive them, their individuality, or their thoughts. This describes a mature mind and spirit, wise enough to understand that we have differences and yet so much alike.

So, as I see this reading, I would see these three things:

1. Reaching an honest place in my soul will show me what I really long for, and will show me things that are for momentary purposes only.

2. Relationships are not meant to be rigid. They are indeed easily moved, and the forces that I would contend with in trying to keep relationships according to my ideals would be beyond my capacity to even enjoy the relationship. So regardless of gossip, thoughts, random things, it's my choice to stay or not.

4. I must not feel too bad, nor be so grumpy, nor entertain gloomy thoughts.

Then, I would try and learn to be "accepting" of others.

So, "are we good for each other?" The answer I see is, "Maybe, maybe not. It's up to you if you want to struggle against how relationships are, or simply ride its waves and take it easy. The truth is, everyone wants something that would endure, but it doesn't mean it should have a stable form. Its stable form could be its attribute of being always moved and shaped. Regardless, it is best to not remain in dark thoughts. And maybe, I can understand how it is to welcome another by showing openness."
 
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meganj

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Ugh i had a long msg typed up but it didnt send!!! long story short last night me n the bf were talking i bugged him about the girl i mentioned before that i think he likes in the middle of this he says "ok i love her" :s later on he deletes his facebook and says he has no use for it anymore.. soo wondering about this i asked "does he love her?", and i recieved 8- union. groan, does that mean what i think it means!
 

meganj

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Last one then im going back to sleep.. i asked does "he intend on staying with me?" this is sounding quite sad but its something i needed to know, i thought i could do without knowing and just let things be.. but i cant :( my reply was 42.2>61.
 

gnar

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Holding Together brings good fortune.
Inquire of the oracle once again
Whether you possess sublimity, constancy, and perseverance;
Then there is no blame.
Those who are uncertain gradually join.
Whoever comes too late
Meets with misfortune.

This is Whilhelm's Translation.

It tells about some truth in life. We people tend to want to hold together. Those who are true to themselves, even in difficult times, remain out of their own volition.

If I were to ask your question, "Does he love her" and get 8, I'd take it as a choice. There's no promise, I can stay if I really allow him to just accept me, in his own terms, maybe as someone second, first, favorite, girl saved for later, and hope for the best. Or I could just step aside. But as always, even if we ourselves where the one's wanting the union, we eventually get tired of those people who "comes late". Either we find someone else, or we just got tired of waiting for them to come around. Or we lose trust or value in what they seem to promise.

The second question: He intend on staying with me?

42.6 is very positive. It is about blessing, and trusting not on one's self, or not taking credit. It's like doing your best, but knowing that greater forces are at work. Fate, the gods, God, etc.

It could also be saying, that someone might be close by that will open your eyes, and set you free. Making you later see all this with an easy heart and say, "Ah, it's all good. Maybe someday, or maybe not."

That's just my view though.

Taking from my experience, I think I can relate to this one way or another. I liked a girl so bad before, nothing can shake me off her. Whatever she did, though questionable, I didn't care. I just stick to my guts and accepted my fate. I was in-love, and not reciprocated. (not saying we have exactly the same thing going on right now, but probably the emotions are the same)

I needed proof somewhat, a confirmation, since I've had to make a decision then. I can't stand it that I cannot commit myself to a relationship, or a pursuit of a relationship.

In any case, I accepted it. I couldn't stop myself by talking to myself anyway. It seems the lover in me wanted more concrete proof. It's a one way street. Then someone came to help me out. It was very subtle, as if God himself saved me by easing my burdens and passion for this girl. Then slowly everything became clear.

I hope you too can find some peace. It's not though that we haven't talked, me and this girl, afterwards. We did. And by that time everything she said resonated clearly, and I understood that it wasn't possible. What I had been built up to become so hopeful for her, just couldn't happen. Not now, anyway. Maybe not anymore. It could be something else, but I just couldn't see it anymore.

This wouldn't have been possible if we didn't meet, and that other girl hadn't shown me things.

In any case, I sense something very urgent pushing you to these questions. And it seems to be putting some pressure on you.
 
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precision grace

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I feel very sorry for your situation Megan. Why do you still want to be with this man?
 

meganj

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Because I really do love him, and even if he does love her I just want him to be happy.
Of course I want it to be with me, but Oh I don't know...
I feel very sad, like my heart is already broken, my friend told me today that I need to leave him, and i'm scared but maybe thats just what I need to do, I don't feel like myself anymore, like i've become this person who's clinging onto something, afraid to lose it, to get hurt again..
He's a good person, but I think I need to find out who I am.. and become that person I want to be, i'm just scared while im off out there finding that out he might be gone for good.
To find my own ground and learn a lesson through this.. I don't know where to start.
 

meganj

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Gnar- that sounds alot like my situation.
Everything you're saying I can totally feel, like something else is going on.
Like right now things are okay, I'm happy, we get along and have really good days, but I just feel like, I'm losing myself bit by bit.
 

gnar

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Don't worry. If what you feel is true, and it comes from your heart, it comes from the abundance of your heart. This is what I realized, and I would like to share it to you,

"One person can love another truly, but a relationship requires the both."

I'm saying this not to say that it's over. I'm saying this because we never know. Who does, right? Only you can say it, but then we can always take it back. What I'm trying to say is your own faithfulness to the truthfulness of your heart, in all your sincerity, will bring you something that will lead you to a kind of hope that goes beyond wishes.

Don't worry too much. Live as the moment passes, as your heart dictates, and as your mind allows. There are always unexpected things that will happen. Good things in the worst of times.

Hell, if terrible things can happen even if we try our best, and be our best, in our best intentions, why can't good things happen, right?
 
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meganj

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The hexagram 8 holding together.. the part about inquiring the oracle "again" like saying are you sure you have what it takes to hold with another as an individual?
And what do u mean by 8, a little confused.
 

gnar

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It shows the principle of union. Once people have come together, it's sometimes inappropriate to come bashing in. It's like being invited to a wedding and barging in late. It's humiliating.

It also shows how through common pursuits, mutual things, and simply being together for quite a while that people become part of each other. This could also go another way. A broad example are communities, and cultures.

In relationships, big or small, this principle always persists. And the question is always, are you fit for this union? Do you wish it? Are you sincerely, organically, part of it?

It's like the parable of the wedding feast. If you're not wearing the right robe, you are questioned. If you are invited and not come willingly but hesitantly, others will be called to take your place.

This is the way of heaven. It tells us something about belonging as well.
 
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meganj

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Whos the one bashing in? The was about how he felt for her, yet im the one in the relationship with him.
 

meganj

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Hmm so basically even they do mutually wabt each other that does not mean she can come bashing in? Ahh its kind of difficult to tell right now..
 

precision grace

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SO far you only know that your guy 'loves' this woman. You don't actually know how she feels about him. She might not even want him, you know?
 

meganj

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True.. but the fact he likes another girl doesnt seem right to me, i feel like my best doesnt matter for him cuz in the end he still likes sumone else!
 

meganj

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Is G the man for me (even considering all that is going on?)Hexagram 55.1.5>31.
Idk is it one of those situations where I should just give up? Throw my hands up to the inevitable?
i'm very confused right now because i'm still very much in love with him :(
 

gnar

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I'm not sure. I myself can love someone deeply, but some desires and hopes are not meant to be. Or are just that. They're just dreams. Remember the translation pages back.

Honestly, who doesn't have that "grand idea of a perfect love" deep inside them? In fact, this is what causes break ups, and also putting people together only to find out the truth that their "happy ever after" is just that. A dream. Something beautiful to know, but cannot truly exist.

In turn, I've realized that he (or she) who stays by your side and truly resonate with your inner being becomes your true companion.

It's another issue to be wanting to be desired though. It's another thing to find someone who you just can't shake off of yourself because they seem to be the one who complements us in a good and mutual way.

edit: Also, regarding your being in-love with him, and asking if he is the man for you, you don't need the iching for this. Or maybe you do, but it will not tell you a yes or no, but it will tell you to look into yourself and figure things out from that perspective.

Megan, if you are confused, why are you confused? What do you require for him to show you in order to put your heart at peace? Do you really need to decide? Is he pushing you away because "he loves this other girl"? Did you ask him what he thinks of you, or who you really are to him?

Did you tell him you are lost, and that you need to know where to situate yourself? Does he care enough to tell you the truth? Is he confused too? Do you have to let this let go? Has he ever made you feel you cannot trust whatever he says, and that you alone must decide on this matter?

And again, to what end do you wish to reach should you take the course of leaving him for good?

Oh, and your question that gave 55.1,5 is saying that if you meet someone that resonates with you well, or you've found or have an inner guide with you that leads you to him, then yes. But this will only be made clear after your storm has subsided (or a storm has subsided).
 
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meganj

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Thank you so much with your help with my readings over the past few days gnar, i very much appreciate the time you took to take a look :)
im not gonna worry about it too much now. im already moving out, ill take my steps when i need to.
 

gnar

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Well, I hope I didn't sound too forceful or anything. I'm merely just one guy sharing what he sees, based on what you say, and relating to my own limited experiences.

You are right. In the end, it all boils down to ourselves. It's our lives after all. We're the one's who's gonna get bitten if ever anything others said proved to be wrong.

To be honest though, I've learned a lot in trying to help you out. So, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you.
 

gnar

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Bah, don't worry about them too much. Principles can become restricting sometimes. What is important is that you find fulfillment, as you walk daily in your chosen path.

Every person has his destiny, they say. Anything more than helping you find that path are mere noises.

Then again, there's nothing wrong with searching for happiness like a child. ;)
 

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