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Self-expression difficulties 42.4,5 > 21

em ching

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Hello,

I have difficulties with myself - very self-critical even though I know it is futile and I sabotage myself by wanting to be better, or perhaps someone I'm not. I'm generally happy and positive at the mo, but this contentment goes out the window when I'm around others. It might be because I am no longer with familiar people of my age, as I have moved home (though I did have had the same prob with my peers - ie not fitting in or able to be myself - as a confident individual).

I have been out socially a bit - but actually mixing with my parents friends on occasion - interesting and fun people too, but for some reason, maybe because I'm out of practice I have been finding communicating difficult, and when around others I feel, frankly self-hatred, as I want to be relaxed and approachable, but instead, because I can't be myself, I am awkward, and probably put out the wrong vibes. I also try too hard but can't seem to pull it off. I want to be fun, friendly, bring pleasure to people, express my opinions and share my interests, but I can't seem to relax enough around others, or connect with them enough, to allow the real me through, so I keep schtum and beat myself up inside...

Who do I have self-hatred?
17.1,2 > 47

17.1 talks of mingling freely with different people while maintaining your own individual opinion and character (which seems to get lost with me, maybe because I don't like who I am when confidence eludes me).
17.2 Following infantile inclinations...
My bad habit of social anxiety rearing its ugly head time and time again...
47 All leading to oppression and exhaustion (Got that right!!)

What attitude do I need to adopt to loosen my crippled mouth?
(I feel recently, maybe because I'm out of practice, that my brain has lost connection with my mouth and I am unable to talk properly :eek: Maybe more difficult because I haven't been with people my age much for a while...)

42.4,5 > 21
Well - increase my efforts to bite through the opposition in the middle of my mouth to 'bring the two lips back together'!

42.4 speaks of being a mediator - spreading knowledge to others (I wish I could do that - be myself and benefit others. Rather than being closed off and not real..
42.5 Kindness being recognized.. I guess people can see I'm a friendly person really, I just have difficulties with myself (and a half!) which makes for strained communication :duh:

Perfect imagery. I just feel at the mo that everything I say is forced, or I can't express myself or articulate as I would like to. I also kind of feel like I've lost an element of humour in my interactions with people :confused:

Would very much appreciate some help here if anyone has any to offer :)
:bows:
 

folledeschiele

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Hi em ching,
Ah, I recognize this scenario all too well. From my perspective, the reading (particularly hexagram 42 changing to 21) is telling you that your open heart and mind ARE recognized and appreciated by others; your ability to mediate and see others' points of view; your genuine kindness and care for others' well-being. It's therefore up to you to stop self-flagellating and bite through your own distorted self-picture. You are already the things you yearn to be; you just need to see the good in yourself and not feel like you have to perform all the time in social settings. perhaps you don't need to force yourself to be gregarious, to be on stage.

This is really my week of quoting songs on this forum, but they keep coming up in my mind. This early song from Bob Dylan has always been a comfort to me when I've been torturing myself about fitting up to other peoples' expectations (or what I perceive to be their expectations:)

To Ramona

Ramona, come closer,
Shut softly your watery eyes.
The pangs of your sadness
Shall pass as your senses will rise.
The flowers of the city
Though breathlike, get deathlike at times.
And there's no use in tryin'
T' deal with the dyin',
Though I cannot explain that in lines.

Your cracked country lips,
I still wish to kiss,
As to be under the strength of your skin.
Your magnetic movements
Still capture the minutes I'm in.
But it grieves my heart, love,
To see you tryin' to be a part of
A world that just don't exist.
It's all just a dream, babe,
A vacuum, a scheme, babe,
That sucks you into feelin' like this.

I can see that your head
Has been twisted and fed
By worthless foam from the mouth.
I can tell you are torn
Between stayin' and returnin'
On back to the South.
You've been fooled into thinking
That the finishin' end is at hand.
Yet there's no one to beat you,
No one t' defeat you,
'Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad.

I've heard you say many times
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you.
If you really believe that,
You know you got
Nothing to win and nothing to lose.
From fixtures and forces and friends,
Your sorrow does stem,
That hype you and type you,
Making you feel
That you must be exactly like them.
 

em ching

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Hello, Thanks for your comments and the song lyrics speak to me too about this issue that I have with myself that I wish wasn't so damn familiar.


I've heard you say many times
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you.
If you really believe that,
You know you got
Nothing to win and nothing to lose.
From fixtures and forces and friends,
Your sorrow does stem,
That hype you and type you,
Making you feel
That you must be exactly like them.


That last verse especially.
But I just feel downhearted that I can't be the free person I yearn to be.
And sad about the people I've lost connection with, or cannot fully connect with now, because of it.

:bows:
 

folledeschiele

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honestly, I get the sense that part of the problem is a cultural bias toward extroversion which makes shy people feel "wrong" somehow in their skin. It's perfectly ok to be shy and to need a little more time than others to feel comfortable in a social setting. Maybe the answer is to accept your initial shyness or feeling of uncomfortablness when you meet new people, instead of pushing against it. Let yourself be a little quiet and don't feel like you have to put on a show or pretend to be more gregarious or extroverted than you are. I think your readings are telling you that you don't need to strive to be anyone you aren't, and that you have a lot to offer as you are-- not counseling that you force yourself somehow to be different.
 

Tohpol

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You're in a loop and far too concerned about what people think. And you're also thinking far too much about yourself. Hours of mental energy being used up here...I can't count the number of posts you've written on this theme.

Here's a thought: You are perfect as you are. And that "perfection" will no doubt change and evolve. But the way to do that is to let your mind find its own way without forcing it. Try to get into the habit of not thinking about how others are viewing you rather focus on what people are actually saying and not how you can impress them. As folledeschiele says, there's nothing wrong with being introvert or quieter than others. Nothing.

I speak as someone who was painfully shy when I was in my teens and twenties, though I used enormous amounts of energy to appear as though I wasn't which wasn't the answer. Slowly it changes and usually by placing yourself in situations which address those fears and where you can begin to forget about your self-image and learn to share and exchange properly. Self-obsessing limits that exchange of course and suggests that one's image is SO important. It 'aint. No one cares LOL. So, while you are special - you're also nothing special - if you get my meaning. The I Ching effectively once said to me: "Get over yourself. Accept who you are." Sure, it is easier said than done but not focusing so much on the issue is one way to de-energise it. Stop giving it the importance the demons in you desperately crave.

Actually, everyone has various problems to cope with and in that respect we are all in the same boat - struggling to makes sense of things. So, make a commitment not to be more charismatic but to accept yourself as you are now, and make little changes that will help you become more confident over time. You may always be quieter but you'll gain that inner strength that will have people gravitating towards you not because you can juggle thirty chickens and still hold a cocktail and have a conversation about Proust but because you radiate gentle, confidence and openness. It'll happen. You'll see. Trust it. Have fun making a fool of yourself and not caring. ;)

Topal
 

Trojina

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You may always be quieter but you'll gain that inner strength that will have people gravitating towards you not because you can juggle thirty chickens and still hold a cocktail and have a conversation about Proust but because you radiate gentle, confidence and openness.
Topal

:rofl: priceless !


Oh and Topal is right, once you realise how little people actually care about your performance you will feel immensely liberated...that thought comforts me each time i make a terrible faux pas or drop the chicken I'm juggling
 

em ching

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Self-obsessing limits that exchange of course and suggests that one's image is SO important. It 'aint. No one cares LOL. So, while you are special - you're also nothing special - if you get my meaning. The I Ching effectively once said to me: "Get over yourself. Accept who you are." Sure, it is easier said than done but not focusing so much on the issue is one way to de-energise it. Stop giving it the importance the demons in you desperately crave.

Actually, everyone has various problems to cope with and in that respect we are all in the same boat - struggling to makes sense of things. So, make a commitment not to be more charismatic but to accept yourself as you are now, and make little changes that will help you become more confident over time. You may always be quieter but you'll gain that inner strength that will have people gravitating towards you not because you can juggle thirty chickens and still hold a cocktail and have a conversation about Proust but because you radiate gentle, confidence and openness. It'll happen. You'll see. Trust it. Have fun making a fool of yourself and not caring. ;)

Topal

:rofl: That's great (so I too had to quote!)
Liberation from how others see me sounds marvellous and I will endeavor to have all your good advice running through my mind next time I'm with people - or at least as a starting point to concentrating outside myself - then hopefully my words/ reactions will flow unimpeded by the pressure that has been habitually rising when I'm with others.. I know it hasn't always been this bad and you're right I just have to deprive my demons of energy!
 

TygerChild

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em ching and shyness.

em ching. hello there! just read this whilst looking for back posts on 42 (1/9/13), and I just wondered how you were doing?
 

poised

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Thirty chickens and a moose

, everyone has various problems to cope with and in that respect we are all in the same boat - struggling to makes sense of things. So, make a commitment not to be more charismatic but to accept yourself as you are now, and make little changes that will help you become more confident over time. You may always be quieter but you'll gain that inner strength that will have people gravitating towards you not because you can juggle thirty chickens and still hold a cocktail and have a conversation about Proust but because you radiate gentle, confidence and openness. It'll happen. You'll see. Trust it. Have fun making a fool of yourself and not caring.

Everyone loves this comment, Topal, including me. A shy friend of mine shows people he meets a photo on his iphone of a moose in a canoe. His canoe and his moose. It's not an awful idea to get a conversation rolling with animal antics stories.

In the end, though, we are who we are; our loving natures reveal themselves when we feel confident enough to open ourselves to others.
 

Tohpol

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Recently obtained my diploma in chicken juggling and cocktail shaking.

Now the world is my Moose - Sorry, Oyster. ; )
 

Trojina

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Do you have a youtube clip of it ?
 

cornucopia63

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Self-expression difficulties 42.4,5 > 21

Hello, You should be more determined to bite through obstacles you have with self expressing yourself and put things right. Hexagram 21 advises that you need to take a firm stand on your opinions and beliefs. Get down to essentials. Cut through the bull and only express what really matters. Don't let others undermine you. Be decisive and firm when you express yourself and say it as it is, get to the point.
 

Trojina

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The original question was asked 5 years ago so I imagine em ching has made progress, although further advice may well be welcome....I'm just highlighting it's an ancient thread
 
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mirian

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Self-expression difficulties 42.4,5 > 21

Hello, You should be more determined to bite through obstacles you have with self expressing yourself and put things right. Hexagram 21 advises that you need to take a firm stand on your opinions and beliefs. Get down to essentials. Cut through the bull and only express what really matters. Don't let others undermine you. Be decisive and firm when you express yourself and say it as it is, get to the point.

Hi cornucopia,

Can I ask you a question if you don't mind? Why do you do every interpretation based only on the relating hexagram, which you mistaken as the future/outcome, and ignore the primary hexagram and its changing lines?

I am really sorry to ask you that, but I happen to notice that you do that in every single thread. I just feel that it is a shame that you are missing so much in the readings and the Yi itself. :bows:
 

Tohpol

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Do you have a youtube clip of it ?

'fraid not. Though I do have a genuine photo of chicken no.3 ready and prepared for said juggling...

RubberChicken.jpg
 

cornucopia63

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Hi cornucopia,

Can I ask you a question if you don't mind? Why do you do every interpretation based only on the relating hexagram, which you mistaken as the future/outcome, and ignore the primary hexagram and its changing lines?

I am really sorry to ask you that, but I happen to notice that you do that in every single thread. I just feel that it is a shame that you are missing so much in the readings and the Yi itself. :bows:

Hi Mirian,

The primary hexagram just shows an overview of my situation which I already know. I'm more interested in the advise which is a result of the changes shown in the primary hexagram. I've read many sources and created a method that works for me. The primary hexagram shows the changes and influences or events that are already underway. It tells the story. I don't see the relating hexagram as an outcome. I see it as the best direction and advice under the circumstances.

I also use the method that I have been taught by a third generation I Ching Chinese master and professor of Taoist philosophy. :)
 
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mirian

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Hi cornucopia,

I am sorry but I disagree with your views on both the primary and the relating hexagrams. I have been using the Yi for over 20 years and I still think that you are missing a lot with your method, which is a shame that is all.

But thank you for your reply anyway.:bows:
 

cornucopia63

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Hi Mirian,

I'm always open to new methods :) I'd love to know how you go about it. cheers!
 
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