Should I let him stay? 17.4 - 3

[Chaosmos]

Hi there! New to this forum but not to the oracle. Have kinda a weird situation, and trying to figure out what my I Ching reading is telling me about it.

I'm currently doing work-trade for a friend of mine in NYC, and have been for about a year. I have a small apartment with a second bedroom, and am otherwise living happily as a single female who GREATLY values her alone time, privacy and roommate-free lifestyle.

About a month ago I was introduced to a man through a mutual friend and got to know him a little over the course of a weekend. He seemed like a genuinely good guy, and his public work is something I've greatly admired for several years, and goes hand-in-hand with my own work. I was remorseful when he went back to his home in LA. Well... we connected on social media and 2 weeks ago he asked me if he could vent about this unfortunate situation with his now ex-girlfriend, where she essentially told him to leave her house and find somewhere else to go. He was unsure of where to go next, and I, (acting impulsively and thinking it could maybe evolve into romance) offered him my second room for a while, so he could find his footing.

So he came to NY and was staying in my small apartment, but after a week I became a little on-edge, having essentially a stranger in such close quarters. I explained to him that I needed some privacy/space, and he was very understanding, a little sad, but very grateful & flexible and willing to leave entirely if I wanted him to. But my friend who owns the building graciously agreed to let him stay in another empty apartment in the building in exchange for this man doing work-trade as well.

But after a week "trial run" my friend just told me tonight he doesn't feel like this man is pulling his weight enough to justify the free apartment, and wants him out by the end of next weekend. My friend is fine if this man stays in his building, as long as he goes back into my spare room, (for as long as I feel comfortable with.) But it's my call.

This man and I HAVE become friends in his 2 weeks here. We have a lot in common, and while I don't see it evolving into anything romantic, he does seem like a genuine, good person. Seeing his professional work up close has been very inspiring to me, and the feedback and assistance he's given me on MY work has reignited something I was passionate about, and given me new direction when I was feeling lost. It feels like we've really been helping each other. We work well together. We've also been discussing an idea I proposed for a really cool project in the summer that, if we collaborate on, could potentially launch both our careers in helping people and doing what we love.

But ultimately, he's still a stranger & I have severe trauma-based trust issues. Inviting him back into my shared small space even for a few weeks or months is going to change my solitary lifestyle dramatically and potentially wear on my mental health. But if I tell him to leave, his backup plan is to go to his parents house in another state, and I wonder if our friendship, and this exciting synergetic work we've been doing together will stop. Him being present has felt very good for me, motivated me and made me feel like things are finally moving in the right direction. I don't want him to leave NYC, but I don't know if I'm ready for him to be my roommate...

So I asked the oracle what I should do. Can I trust him? Should I invite him back to stay in my small apartment, or tell him to hit the road?

The answer 17.4 > 3.

I've read various translations. The changing line gives me pause. I don't feel like he's taking advantage of me. I was the one who initiated everything by inviting him. And I have a strong sense that having him close, and working together could lead to some amazing things for both of us. I very much feel in "the flow" right now, largely because of his presence, and 17 seems to indicate to keep going that direction. But certain translations of the changing line make me unsure what to do.

Thank you anyone for your feedback!

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Funny enough, this is one line I have NOT received, during a time of receiving every other line of hex 17 in different casts - so naturally I researched it extensively, and the Fan Yao 3.4, which seems to be about a situation in which someone who follows you feels trapped, but with sincerity and following what you want, union is possible.

17.4 seems to me to reverse this, maybe not following so hard what you want (union?), but looking truly at motivations and trusting your gut. Is the follower simply using you?
Maybe that feeling of creative inspiration is not so much all from him, as something alchemical within you, and you will not lose it.

Lise's mirrors say of 17.4

17.4 Following with achieving. Determination pitfall. Have truth, go your road and use intelligence. No need to feel faulty.

Don't rigidly stick to a goal, follow what your intuïtion and common sense tell you to follow.

Personally, I worry in myself when I find myself over-justifying someone's good qualities, it can show self-doubt or a sense of wanting to rescue someone. You mention have trauma-based trust issues but these in my experience more often than not lead me to trust the wrong people rather than to NOT trust the right people, who tend to be the ones who stick around patiently and not be asking for favors.

If his ex-girlfriend and the apartment owner both have problems with his living style, and you do not feel good in your gut about it....I would interpret 17.4 as a warning. Especially with relating hexagam of 3, which has never boded well for me personally - a lot of stress right off the bat.
Maybe he is a good guy after all, but that does not mean a good situation for you. its your space and okay to make the right choice for your sense of safety. Is inspiration a good trade off for the impact it will have on you mentally?

No need for guilt either way! He sounds like someone who will not be down on his luck for long.
My two cents.

 

[rosada]

Can you tell us how 17.4-3 worked out for you?
Thank you for your feedback!

 

[Trojina]

I think Kestrel hit the nail on the head

Personally, I worry in myself when I find myself over-justifying someone's good qualities, it can show self-doubt or a sense of wanting to rescue someone. You mention have trauma-based trust issues but these in my experience more often than not lead me to trust the wrong people rather than to NOT trust the right people, who tend to be the ones who stick around patiently and not be asking for favors.

If his ex-girlfriend and the apartment owner both have problems with his living style, and you do not feel good in your gut about it....I would interpret 17.4 as a warning. Especially with relating hexagam of 3, which has never boded well for me personally - a lot of stress right off the bat.
Maybe he is a good guy after all, but that does not mean a good situation for you. its your space and okay to make the right choice for your sense of safety. Is inspiration a good trade off for the impact it will have on you mentally?

Yi says

'Following makes a catch. Constancy, pitfall.
With sincerity and confidence, holding to the path with clarity,
How can this be wrong?'

For myself I find with this line the draw, the temptation is to start acting/working/adapting towards a desired response I need emotionally from another person rather than just focusing on what the work or situation is really about. One can be thrown off course by praise for example. It's nice to be praised but one can find oneself beginning to perform in order to get it, to get the approval and that's the pitfall mentioned.


Somewhere here one person has hooked another in, there's a 'catch', someone wants or likes you and this is quite seductive and so you can start to behave according to that. Or it could be the other way around that you are the one that's drawn to another. Mostly for me it's been to do with positive feedback or demonstrated approval that begins to skew my attention towards the lovely attentions of the giver and away from considering how well I'm doing whatever it is. This isn't a disaster in this line because it says if one can hold to one's own path there will be no error, you don't need to get sucked in if you are clear headed. So how does this apply here ?

Firstly just reading I think one immediately starts to feel some apprehension on your behalf and it's to do with your boundaries being breached. You consider all the positives and yet you actually don't really want to go as far as him sharing with you again. I think Kestrel is right in that the very fact you have to repeat the positives to yourself is a little bit of a warning sign. There are also a number of people who don't want him around, tell him to go, your landlord and his ex which is also a bit of a warning sign. I mean he had a good deal with the landlord but seemingly didn't fill his part of the deal.


Also Yi aside, this is an adult man whom you are not responsible for. Where he goes if he can't stay with you isn't your problem.


Back to this, your question was

So I asked the oracle what I should do. Can I trust him? Should I invite him back to stay in my small apartment, or tell him to hit the road?

The answer 17.4 > 3.

Yi said

'Following makes a catch. Constancy, pitfall.
With sincerity and confidence, holding to the path with clarity,
How can this be wrong?'

Who has made the catch? Has he caught you with his positivity towards you and the project? Is this throwing you off course at all? I think the answer seems simply to call for a very clear head. I think we know when we have stopped acting in line with what's really true for us and started to act in line with another's flattery or regard. We just know that in our bones. So you'll already know this There is a real pitfall in beginning to shape ourselves towards another's praise. I recall somewhere a quote about praise being death to the artist, it can be a pitfall when the artist start to produce work to the audience's taste not according to her own standards. It's the same here.

If you think you can go on with him there without somehow giving over your own style/standards/etc to him it could be okay. But if not, if you become shaped by all the positives he seems to bring that's not so good.


My own feeling on it fwiw is one of unease because you do sound uneasy and he sounds somewhat parasitic. Make sure to put your own interests first whichever way it goes.


Also

But my friend who owns the building graciously agreed to let him stay in another empty apartment in the building in exchange for this man doing work-trade as well.

But after a week "trial run" my friend just told me tonight he doesn't feel like this man is pulling his weight enough to justify the free apartment, and wants him out by the end of next weekend. My friend is fine if this man stays in his building, as long as he goes back into my spare room, (for as long as I feel comfortable with.) But it's my call.

It sounds like he is a little bit of a user and so be careful he's not using a lot of charm on you, which would fit for 17.4, in order to stay in your place. You are the judge of that not me but you'd think if you were given a free apartment in exchange for work you'd be more than glad to do the work! Unless you friend made unreasonable demands this was an immature way to act really given a free apartment is no small thing! Would he rather stay with you through using sweet and inspiring words than do some real graft? I may be being too harsh here but just going by what you're saying....and the 17.4

 

[redoleander]

17.4 > 3 feels either like a ‘no’ or to play it by ear on a very continual basis, not committing to anything big. It sounds like you need to follow your own path and not be swayed by others, which doesn’t mean he is bad or anything like that. I don’t think there needs to be a big reason why he can’t stay. It just seems more that it’s about your own path at the moment. You might want to read a few translations and commentaries even just small selections (if you Google the hexagram and DeKorne you can read there) because some commentaries on this line (I forget which ones) do mention having attracted the wrong followers and needing to distance from them.

 

[Trojina]

Only just realised this thread is a month old which was why Rosada was asking for feedback. If I has realised I wouldn't have responded since the person hasn't returned despite being answered a month ago

 

[Chaosmos]

Thank you everyone for your insight! And apologies for not coming back to thread this earlier.

The situation worked out fine. I respected my own boundaries and told this man that our roommate situation wasn’t working out for me. He was a little sad but very understanding and graceful about it. We parted on good terms and have stayed in contact as friends since he left.

His alternative was to return to his parents house for a period of time (which he wasn’t thrilled about). But right before I broke the news to him, his parents called. They were sick, and needed support around the house. He felt like the odd timing was “the universe” or whatever telling him he was supposed to go and be with them, which I think made the transition easier.

Before he left I showed him how to use the I Ching. Not sure what he asked it but he got 41 and a few changing lines, one of which in my book's translation actually told him to “leave now.” Haha.

I think things worked out the way they were supposed to.

 

[redoleander]

Nothing like 41.1 to give you that push Glad it all worked out.