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Stay or Go: 36.3 or 51.5

GoldenN

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It's been many years since I posted here and received your good advices. In that time I married and now have a child. This last year I have been going through mediation with my husband. We were on the verge of divorce but pulled back at the last minute because having done mediation and therapy and my having read innumerable books our communication has improved to the extent that I wonder if it's possible to work together to remove our most difficult communication patterns.

We have not committed to resuming romance but to raising our child together. We sleep in separate beds and our communication can sometimes be great, sometimes enjoyable, sometimes okay and then sometimes mind numbingly grinding. When grinding it takes up hours and all my communication training feels utterly futile. There's a sense of grinding the gears in general. I don't imagine we will miraculously rekindle our spark as we have not managed to fill the spaces in between us with soothing acceptance and love. So I asked the iching:

Should I stay living here together: 36.3 > 24

"Nine in the third place means:

Darkening of the light during the hunt in the south.

Their great leader is captured.
One must not expect perseverance too soon. It seems as if chance were at work. While the strong, loyal man is striving eagerly and in good faith to create order, he meets the ringleader of the disorder, as if by accident, and seizes him. Thus victory is achieved. But in abolishing abuses one must not be too hasty. This would turn out badly because the abuses have been in existence so long."

Indeed, we are 'returning' to our marriage. And while capture of the leader of disorder sounds great, I was rather hoping that with all this effort we could get on with encouraging one another and focusing on efficiently managing our lives (rather than wasting years grinding each other down). Judging by the line it may then take awhile.

Should I go: 51.5 > 17

"Six in the fifth place means:

Shock goes hither and thither.
Danger.
However, nothing at all is lost.
Yet there are things to be done.

This is a case not of a single shock but of repeated shocks with no breathing space between. Nonetheless, the shock causes no loss, because one takes care to stay in the center of movement and in this way to be spared the fate of being helplessly tossed hither and thither."

This seems to suggest precisely what I feel about moving out (and on) but offers no real judgement. It just suggests that I am not at all phased because I move with the movement. It feels like aikido or tai chi, moving with the forces and staying balanced. It sounds a lot more like it allows me to exist as myself.

I welcome thoughts, experiences and suggestions. Thank you for having me in your wonderful community.

*bows*
 

GoldenN

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It's been many years since I posted here and received your good advices. In that time I married and now have a child. This last year I have been going through mediation with my husband. We were on the verge of divorce but pulled back at the last minute because having done mediation and therapy and my having read innumerable books our communication has improved to the extent that I wonder if it's possible to work together to remove our most difficult communication patterns.

We have not committed to resuming romance but to raising our child together. We sleep in separate beds and our communication can sometimes be great, sometimes enjoyable, sometimes okay and then sometimes mind numbingly grinding. When grinding it takes up hours and all my communication training feels utterly futile. There's a sense of grinding the gears in general. I don't imagine we will miraculously rekindle our spark as we have not managed to fill the spaces in between us with soothing acceptance and love. So I asked the iching:

Should I stay living here together: 36.3 > 24

"Nine in the third place means:

Darkening of the light during the hunt in the south.

Their great leader is captured.
One must not expect perseverance too soon. It seems as if chance were at work. While the strong, loyal man is striving eagerly and in good faith to create order, he meets the ringleader of the disorder, as if by accident, and seizes him. Thus victory is achieved. But in abolishing abuses one must not be too hasty. This would turn out badly because the abuses have been in existence so long."

Indeed, we are 'returning' to our marriage. And while capture of the leader of disorder sounds great, I was rather hoping that with all this effort we could get on with encouraging one another and focusing on efficiently managing our lives (rather than wasting years grinding each other down). Judging by the line it may then take awhile.

Should I go: 51.5 > 17

"Six in the fifth place means:

Shock goes hither and thither.
Danger.
However, nothing at all is lost.
Yet there are things to be done.

This is a case not of a single shock but of repeated shocks with no breathing space between. Nonetheless, the shock causes no loss, because one takes care to stay in the center of movement and in this way to be spared the fate of being helplessly tossed hither and thither."

This seems to suggest precisely what I feel about moving out (and on) but offers no real judgement. It just suggests that I am not at all phased because I move with the movement. It feels like aikido or tai chi, moving with the forces and staying balanced. It sounds a lot more like it allows me to exist as myself.

I welcome thoughts, experiences and suggestions. Thank you for having me in your wonderful community.

*bows*
Hello hello, if anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them! Many thanks :)
 

rosada

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36.3>24 seems to me to be a reference of your reluctance to leave as you feel that if only the two of you could get a handle on the dark feelings you'd really like to be able to have this place be your home. On the other hand these lines may be saying your husband is the "dark lord" and that you'd really like to leave him and "go home" to a place of calm and quiet.
Thus the trouble with asking the I Ching Yes/No questions - too often they can be interpreted either way.

"Should I go? 51.5>17" is also a Yes/No question.

Yes, you should go...because that will shake things up and give you a chance to see what's important - what you should 17. Pursue.

No, you should stay..because leaving would be so disruptive people would not know whether they can ever trust - 17. Follow - you again.

Personally I think some sort of shake up is indicated. Perhaps regular weekends off to go play with your girlfriends? Short absence makes the heart grow fonder, but long absence means out of sight, out of mind.

Have you ever had an astrological chart comparison done between you and your husband? Sometimes that can give you helpful insight as to what works and what to avoid.
 

Viru10

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Agreed with Rosada's point about the yes/no, a habit I've been trying to overcome as well.

Having no marriage experience I can't advise beyond what I see in the reading. 36.3 typically points to grasping the underlying issue, it sounds like the lack of a 'spark' could be it and now it just sounds like being roommates. Quoting Hilary:

Just because you know why something is wrong doesn't necessarily mean you have the means to heal it.
This would suggest staying for the sake of obligation may not be the most ideal route. Blofeld writes:
"Persistence amounting to madness should be avoided."
Reaffirms the earlier point.

The question about leaving indeed indicates a necessary bout of shocks but that nothing is truly lost. Maybe like you say, your arrangement of sharing responsibilities while maintaining distance to maybe meet new people etc. This is a significant decision (to separate) so one I can't say for sure in regards to what the Yi advises.

Maybe a more precise question would be "What is the best course of action with this relationship to create the best outcome for everyone involved?" Not necessarily that question, but something that covers the concerns without being too broad. And unlike a yes/no it gives you a clearer thing to act on. The answer could present a clear stay/go action.

edit: mistook 36.3 for 30.6, too many damn 3's and 6's...
 
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GoldenN

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Great, thank you both for your excellent advice. I really liked the presented question of What is the best course of action with this relationship to create the best outcome for everyone involved?" So I asked the Y this. I received 27.4

"Six in the fourth place means:

Turning to the summit
For provision of nourishment
Brings good fortune.

Spying about with sharp eyes
Like a tiger with insatiable craving.

No blame.

In contrast to the six in the second place, which refers to a man bent exclusively on his own advantage, this line refers to one occupying a high position and striving to let his light sine forth. To do this he needs helpers, because he cannot attain his lofty aim alone. With the greed of a hungry tiger he is on the lookout for the right people. Since he is not working for himself but for the good of all, there is no wrong in such zeal."

Over the course of the relationship I've earned and worked publicly much less than I had previously. My confidence suffered hugely. I've felt I need really, only to seek out the right collaborators again for the loftier and most deeply rewarding work that I do. The reading feels like an affirmation to search and find the right people with the greed of a hungry tiger.

I welcome your perspectives. And very much appreciate your taking the time to write.
 
D

diamant

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The situation sounds sad and stressful, really sorry you're going through this.

Should I stay living here together
36.3 > 24

If you stay, you'll discover eventually what the real problem is.

Should I go
51.5 > 17

If you go, shocks will continue to happen in your life.
I wonder if that will be because you still won't know the real problem.

What is the best course of action with this relationship to create the best outcome for everyone involved? 27.4 > 21
Since this is not describing you, then it's describing the other party. He's chasing food (other women) like a hungry tiger. Maybe that's the discovery of 36.3? Line 27.4 also mentions spying, so if you can, have a look at his phone, in case it contains clues as to why he doesn't want to communicate or be intimate with you.
 

GoldenN

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Why would 27.4 be describing the other party and not me?

It's me who has decided not to be intimate. We've been through counselling together for 8 months, gone to therapy. I wouldn't think spying on his phone would aid in developing greater trust, personally...

Line 4's hungry tiger is about nourishment and finding collaborators. It's a positive line and as I'm the active querent asking for the best course of action, the tiger would most sensibly, be me.
 
D

diamant

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Why would 27.4 be describing the other party and not me? (...)
Line 4's hungry tiger is about nourishment and finding collaborators. It's a positive line and as I'm the active querent asking for the best course of action, the tiger would most sensibly, be me.


I can totally see your point here. It's a positive line - for the predatory tiger. The 'collaborators' will die by getting eaten.. The reasons I viewed it like I wrote it are:

Your question was about the relationship - the two of you. You said you're not a hunter, so either he is, or the advice to you is you to become a fierce hunter.
  • The line could be describing him, and I mentioned other women because, usually, men without a sexual life tend to go acquire it elsewhere.
  • If the line is advice to you, then it's advising you to be the hunter in your relationship. What could this mean? Would your husband be more likely to like you if you earned a lot more money? Would he enjoy a more fierce partner?
 

GoldenN

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Interesting perspective, thank you for sharing. I am the querent thus advice will be for my own action not the action of anyone else.

Here is the line again:

"Six in the fourth place means:

Turning to the summit
For provision of nourishment
Brings good fortune.

Spying about with sharp eyes
Like a tiger with insatiable craving.

No blame.

In contrast to the six in the second place, which refers to a man bent exclusively on his own advantage, this line refers to one occupying a high position and striving to let his light sine forth. To do this he needs helpers, because he cannot attain his lofty aim alone. With the greed of a hungry tiger he is on the lookout for the right people. Since he is not working for himself but for the good of all, there is no wrong in such zeal."

The purpose lies in zealously shining forth my light with the aid of helpers and for the good of all.
 

marybluesky

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Hello,

Should I stay living here together: 36.3 > 24
An afflicted constancy isn't possible; so if you want to live together, you should work on solving the problems rather than going on like this

Should I go: 51.5 > 17
Leaving will be a shock, probably leading to further shocks. Your intention won't be lost, though.

What is the best course of action ... 27.4
To chase your desires "shamelessly" as they say. Deep in your heart, do you want to save your family? Do you want to leave? Go after what you want.

Good luck!
 
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rosada

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Changing thoughts..
Maybe 36.3 is saying that when you announce your resolve to move the partner suddenly starts taking things seriously and you can Return to a good life.
Thus 51.5 could be pointing to your moving (or at least saying you are) and this "shock" leads to a 17. New Day.

I think 27.4 -21 is saying when you see things from the summit, from the broadest perspective, you realize you've tried everything and now it's time to act as a tiger and do what works for you - no blame.
 

GoldenN

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Yes, I agree with your interpretation Rosada and Marybluesky. Thank you. I will do what works for me, shine and be like the hungry tiger. Sounds pretty good, really! Like permission granted. Wishing you all well.
 

Topher

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The situation sounds sad and stressful, really sorry you're going through this.

Should I stay living here together
36.3 > 24

If you stay, you'll discover eventually what the real problem is.

Should I go
51.5 > 17

If you go, shocks will continue to happen in your life.
I wonder if that will be because you still won't know the real problem.
Hello,

Should I stay living here together: 36.3 > 24
An afflicted constancy isn't possible; so if you want to live together, you should work on solving the problems rather than going on like this

Should I go: 51.5 > 17
Leaving will be a shock, probably leading to further shocks. Your intention won't be lost, though.

What is the best course of action ... 27.4
To chase your desires "shamelessly" as they say. Deep in your heart, do you want to save your family? Do you want to leave? Go after what you want.

Good luck!
this!
 

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