Texting or not to wish happy birthday 18.3.5 a 59 and 55.4 a 36

[Nekan1973]

Dear all,
I am trying to understand my last consultation to I Ching but it is being very difficult for me this time.
My boyfriend has broken up with me after nearly four years. I am in a difficult situation at work and he has got tired of my pessimism. He loved me very much, we got on very well and he tried to help me, but I recognize I can be very difficult and too pesimistic when things don’t go well.
He broke up one month and a half ago and although I have tried to settle things he doesn’t want a reconciliation. After several conversations, I told him to stop communication and block our phone numbers to make things easier for me, but he said he is not going to do it because he wants to be my friend. I told him this is not my case and accepted not to block, but I told him I would never communicate with him. I asked him that if he wanted to communicate with me, it was to settle things with me and try a reconciliation, but not to be just friends. I am really sad.
This last conversation happened two weeks ago. I am absolutely sure of my decision but tomorrow it is his birthday and, as we have just broken, I do not know if I should wish him a happy birthday. I think I shouldn’t, and it is what both my heart and mind say, but we were so close and the breakup is so recent that I don’t know what to do.
As a yes/no question is not the best way to approach I Ching, I asked two questions. The problem is that I am totally blocked and I do not know how to interpret.

1. Text him to wish a happy birthday (obviously a short message without any emotional implication). 18.3.5 > 59
2. Not to text him. 55.4 > 36

I would appreciate your opinions very much.

 

[mandarin_23]

Hi Nekan1973,

with 18.59 there are misunderstandings and problems to be dissolved.

18.3 is a line I never quite understand very well ... but it is about being strict and severe, which can be a bit difficult, but doesn't have to be necessarily wrong.

18.5 is a clear advice: use praise. So if you decide to text him, it would probably be best to tell him something nice. This helps. And best not to criticize him all too much, and maybe even more important - not to criticize yourself all too much.

The second reading 55.4 maybe tells about your blockage and also your feelings of being hurt. But it won't last.

All the best
Mandarine_23

 

[becalm]

Hi Nekan1973 I'd say not texting him is the best thing to do.
Texting him 18>59 will only hurt you more and Not texting him will lead to Abundance for yourself by Hiding your Light.
From personal experience - my husband split with me after 18 years and I was devastated to say the least and he also wanted to stay friends and I said 'You're either married and committed to working things out or you're not and if not then I never want to see you or speak to you again' - that was 11 years ago and I do not regret my stance. That's not to say I didn't suffer greatly and I was completely heartbroken for a long time BUT it was ultimately his decision and so he no longer had the privilege of having me in his life.
If that's how he felt, that's how he felt and I accepted that but that does not mean I have to stay part of his life and so neither do you. It's not about him - it's about you.

 

[Trojina]

My boyfriend has broken up with me after nearly four years. I am in a difficult situation at work and he has got tired of my pessimism. He loved me very much, we got on very well and he tried to help me, but I recognize I can be very difficult and too pesimistic when things don’t go well.

It sounds like you have accepted/internalised his view of you which is understandable but if you are getting to feel a bit bad about yourself/depressed remember this sounds a great deal like his version. I mean you have presented this breakup as all down to your fault. He loved you but you were very difficult ? He got tired of your pessimism ?

Well for one thing he's not that tired of you is he or he wouldn't want to stay in touch. For another thing loading all the fault on to your own shoulders long term is neither realistic nor fair. I'd put a bet on it there's a whole other way of looking at this so try not to really internalise this view of you as the 'difficult' one and him as the loving one, it won't be 100% true because it doesn't really take into account your reality and what you contributed to the relationship.

He broke up one month and a half ago and although I have tried to settle things he doesn’t want a reconciliation. After several conversations, I told him to stop communication and block our phone numbers to make things easier for me, but he said he is not going to do it because he wants to be my friend.

Well he can't have it both ways can he ? As the one who initiated the breakup and hurt you he must now have the generosity to honour your wishes and let you heal in peace. Sounds to me like you've been pretty straight forward with him. He knows you want to reconcile, you aren't playing games and if you can't reconcile as partners then it's clearly just to painful for you to try to be 'friends' at this point. Some years down the line maybe you could be but not now, you can't afford it emotionally right now. It's a wise decision on your part and fairly strong as some people would be grasping at any opportunity of contact which as you know would hurt even more long term when they see this 'friendship' is only that when they really want more. So you're being really straight and clear about everything.

1. Text him to wish a happy birthday (obviously a short message without any emotional implication). 18.3.5 > 59
2. Not to text him. 55.4 > 36

It seems by the 18 a happy birthday message is still a minor attempt to heal bad feelings on your part. I think whether to send cards after a break up is always a really difficult one. With 59 there it's as if the attempt to heal just flies off in all directions, a bit like throwing good after bad as they say. It's not at all wrong to offer this little token, line 3 emphasizes it's not exactly wrong to try to rectify things (I know here it's not intended as a full on rectification thing) but it doesn't really work and I think it might end up making you feel worse. As becalm said what matters here is how you feel not what he feels, he's the one who ended it, it's his choice and you are the one who has to look after her feelings. 18.5 I see as being praised for aiming to rectify but Hilary sees it as 'using praise' as the means to put things right. (I don't agree with her take on 18.5) Here it's not like you are trying to rectify the whole thing but it's a little salve. I think here Yi is kind of saying you're doing well to be thinking of sending this, it wouldn't be a disaster if you did but it could have a kind of splashback effect, you put more good stuff in and it just splatters back at you. For some reason this reading makes me think of a adding more eggs to the cake in the hope of making it taste a bit better but the whole thing sort of rebounds, eggy kitchen. Nothing wrong in trying but an eggy kitchen.


Not to text him 55.4>36 does seem a slightly wiser more self contained move. 55.4 is a mysterious line where assistance comes to you from sources you can't even see or know or from sources you wouldn't normally trust. In not sending the text you could be aligning with an inner helper/healer guiding you through this difficult time. I also think with this cast it's even possible if you don't text him he will text you if he can.



You aren't really being pushed one way or the other, it won't affect you hugely whichever you do but I see the 55.4 as the preferable way here. 36 manages to save herself from more harm by enlisting the help of a hidden ally in 55.4. What or who is the hidden ally ? Half the time we don't know because they're hidden all we know is we get through things okay and we don't know quite how it happened. Maybe on the day of his birthday something is going to take your mind off things and direct your attention elsewhere.

 

[Nekan1973]

Dear mandarin_23, becalm and Trojina,

Thank you very much for your wise advice. You do not know how much you have helped me to clear me up and observe this situation realistically.

I am completely sure that keeping in touch after breaking up would be deceiving myself. Now it is 15 days from our last conversation and in 4 years it is the longest period of time with no contact at all. The proximity of his birthday was the only reason to wish him a happy birthday but you have made me discover things I was not capable of seeing by myself.

Trojina, my parents have just phoned me now to go to the beach for three days. It is still hot in Spain and, surely, tomorrow I will focus on other things.

Thank you very much!

 

[rosada]

Hi, I'm coming late to this conversation but the question intrigued me...
I haven't read the other responses so what I'm posting here may be a duplication.

Sending him a card:
59. You'd like to dissolve the blockage.
18.3 He has made it clear he does not want to continue as romantic partners.
18.5 So you should only send him a card if you can accept that stricture. If you still wish to continue a connection with this fellow you could use this birthday to make it clear you understand and accept the new rules by sending a card that specifically addresses him as a friend. Maybe the "praise" could be that the card says something like "To my very good friend."

Not to send a card.
55.4 - 36.
36. is about hiding one's light in order to protect yourself. I think it says by not sending a card you are making it clear you are not open to being "friends". I also think it could be saying that not sending a message would not make his heart grow fonder, it would only allow you to protect your heart if you're not ready to accept his restrictions.

Have you asked the I Ching what being "friends" would look like?

Best wishes,
rosada

 

[Nekan1973]

Hi, I'm coming late to this conversation but the question intrigued me...
I haven't read the other responses so what I'm posting here may be a duplication.

Sending him a card:
59. You'd like to dissolve the blockage.
18.3 He has made it clear he does not want to continue as romantic partners.
18.5 So you should only send him a card if you can accept that stricture. If you still wish to continue a connection with this fellow you could use this birthday to make it clear you understand and accept the new rules by sending a card that specifically addresses him as a friend. Maybe the "praise" could be that the card says something like "To my very good friend."

Not to send a card.
55.4 - 36.
36. is about hiding one's light in order to protect yourself. I think it says by not sending a card you are making it clear you are not open to being "friends". I also think it could be saying that not sending a message would not make his heart grow fonder, it would only allow you to protect your heart if you're not ready to accept his restrictions.

Have you asked the I Ching what being "friends" would look like?

Best wishes,
rosada

Thank you very much, Rosada. I have decided not to wish him a happy birthday. The only reason to do so was because the breakup is very recent. Unless we had children, I don’t believe in friendship after a breakup, at least until I have recovered myself completely, and even then I am not sure if it is a good idea.

Best wishes,

Nekan1973

 

[rosada]

Thanks for the feed back Nekan1973. Take good care of you!

 

[becalm]

Thank you very much, Rosada. I have decided not to wish him a happy birthday. The only reason to do so was because the breakup is very recent. Unless we had children, I don’t believe in friendship after a breakup, at least until I have recovered myself completely, and even then I am not sure if it is a good idea.
Best wishes,
Nekan1973

So happy to hear this - taking care of your own heart first and foremost is the most important thing right now.
My husband and I had children together but fortunately when we split the children were old enough to have direct communication with him and I could just stay out of it.
I've only seen him once in those 11 years (which was about 5 years after the split) and that's because I opened the door to him when I was at my sons house and they were heading out together.
We said hello and goodbye and that was it.
According to my son his father could barely speak for the next half an hour because seeing me unexpectedly had such an emotional affect on him and apparently to this day he still cares for me deeply.
So whilst you're probably beside yourself with grief at this time I hope you know in yourself that at some point you will have clarity and you will find peace.

 

[Nekan1973]

So happy to hear this - taking care of your own heart first and foremost is the most important thing right now.
My husband and I had children together but fortunately when we split the children were old enough to have direct communication with him and I could just stay out of it.
I've only seen him once in those 11 years (which was about 5 years after the split) and that's because I opened the door to him when I was at my sons house and they were heading out together.
We said hello and goodbye and that was it.
According to my son his father could barely speak for the next half an hour because seeing me unexpectedly had such an emotional affect on him and apparently to this day he still cares for me deeply.
So whilst you're probably beside yourself with grief at this time I hope you know in yourself that at some point you will have clarity and you will find peace.

Thank you, becalm, I completely understand you and I hope to reach that state of calm you achieved. Your point of view has been very clarifying for me. As you said, taking care of myself is the most important thing now. I was just thinking about him receiving my wishes, but it would have hurt me in the end.
Today it is his birthday and I will spend the day with my parents and brother in the seaside. I will take my mind off. Happy Sunday!

 

[becalm]

Thank you, becalm, I completely understand you and I hope to reach that state of calm you achieved. Your point of view has been very clarifying for me. As you said, taking care of myself is the most important thing now. I was just thinking about him receiving my wishes, but it would have hurt me in the end.
Today it is his birthday and I will spend the day with my parents and brother in the seaside. I will take my mind off. Happy Sunday!

Beautiful!!! I live next to the ocean and in my opinion it's the best thing for the soul!!! Walking on the beach, being in the water or finding that piece of sea glass or lovely shell....you are so strong to be able to have such self control and let go and be doing what's best for you. Have a great time with your family - they will always be your soft place to fall.