Totally confused about a relationship: Hex 10.3>1 and 31.1.3.4>3

[punkarre]

Hello everyone,

First of all sorry for my English because it's not my mother tongue.
This is my first post while so far I've always been an interested observer. I approached I ching some years ago and still I think I am not able to fully understand what he's saying me reading after reading.
I usually do not ask more than one question per time and no more than one every 2-3 days, to be able to understand, or at least to meditate more about it.

In the last year my life have had many changes: found the job I always wanted to have, moved to a new city in a new country, had problems with my (now) ex-girlfriend, began a story with another person.

It's about that last one I would like to have opinions here, since I am really struggling trying to understand what is the correct behaviour I should have.

It's now 7 months we met. Relationship is like a rollercoaster, with intense periods, then splits and reconciliation again. Basically she told me after a couple of months she still had pending questions with his ex boyfriend. She wanted him to stop contacting her and at the same time that she needed time to fully commit into a new relation. So I understood and accepted that was not a good moment and hence we stopped seeing each other. But she came back after a couple of weeks and everything was amazing again, seeing each other more that before and more intensely. Then again, after a couple of months she just didn't want to see each other again, demanding more space and stating she was feeling emotionally under pressure. That time I felt really bad because I really though there was another person in between. Now, after another month we ended up again together. We clarified a lot with an intense chat, expressing all our fears and concerns. She's still saying she doesn't want to be unfair with me, that she knows she made me suffer because she's not sure about what to do but at the same time she likes me so much that doesn't want me to disappear or stop seeing each other.
I am back in my home country now for holidays and we won't see for a week at least. So I asked I ching 2 questions:

How should I behave with X? --> 10.3>1

Then

What I really represent for X? --> 31.1.3.4>3

The first answer scared me a bit. It seems I should keep going, even though I understand I am walking on a sleeping tiger tail, that this tiger could wake up any moment and bite me. But probably I need to experience that to fully comprehend the nature of a relationship I will have in the future, even if I will suffer?

The second answer instead confused me since it seems like there is a real attraction between us. Maybe she just want to have "fun" with me without really commit? Or there is real intellectual attraction, like I think there is since we spend lot of time talking about everything and asking each other points of view.
But then what I should really do.

Don't want to ask more questions (that I indeed have in dozens!) without really understand those ones.

Sorry for the long post and again, for my basic english, I hope that will help me and someone else in the same situation.

M.

 

[Tohpol]

How should I behave with X? --> 10.3>1

As you say, it does seem as though you are in danger of treading on the "Tiger's tail". Be really sure that you know what you are engaging with. Time for a re-think?

What I really represent for X? --> 31.1.3.4>3

H.31 "Influence" Line 1. shows a restless energy and attraction followed by line 3: representing possible indulgence and whims. Line 4 offers advice about guarding the heart. No force or pushing is necessary. Influence that endures seldom comes from a restless heart. So, for your girlfriend you are an antidote to this restlessness: spontaneity, sex and connection. What quality of connection that may be is hard to say at this stage as you've discovered.

From what you have written it seems that you both need some time apart - a) for this lady to truly decide what she wants and cease playing games (which may equally apply to you for all I know). There seems to be a lot of sexual intensity flying around and a lot of emotional instability which isn't helping anyone. b) For you to be allowed to gain a somewhat more objective perspective on the situation.

Of course, that doesn't mean that this relationship doesn't have a future. It may well. Or, it could be the early warning signs of an unhealthy entanglement. When a sexual attraction rollercoaster is on first - with all the drama that implies - the more the precious emotional energy is eventually burnt away leaving very little to bind together the two participants. But there is always a place to slow the pace if the respect is present. The background H.3 is "Difficulties at the Beginning" which may represent that this are the initial growing pains between the two of you.

So, either way, a little space and some straight talking is needed.You'll soon find out if she is sincere and if you are being led much more by your heart or your cajones.

 

[punkarre]

Thank you so much Topal!
For sure this "holiday break" is helping me (us as well) in thinking and re-thinking about everything. I cannot hide the fact the we are contacting each other these days (phone calls, messages etc), but probably that's the correct way to follow for a period. Just staying "connected°. I am sure she's also thinking about us but again, probably more time to fully understand what she wants, and what is better for us two is needed.
Besides all of that I still have the sensation that this relationship could really and definitely turn into the right path. Will probably ask I ching about that feeling, but is some days.

Thanks again,

M.

 

[punkarre]

Here I am again, so that I can update this post about what recently happened with my "confused relationship".
Despite my feelings, and what I was thinking (and mostly hoping), i.e. this story could have turned into a right path, today I finally found the courage to tell her it's better not to see each other anymore, nor communicating at all. No messages, phone, nothing.
She accepted that without any reticence. Told me she has been always clear about that after a certain point in the relationship, and she is living like this now, confused duh. Then when we were saying goodbye to each other she said: if you rethink about that, you know where to find me. I hated that phrase
I now think and realize that was probably what the ching tried to tell me since some time ago even with some other questions before the ones mentioned here:
How should I behave with X? --> 10.3>1
What I really represent for X? --> 31.1.3.4>3

I also (re)asked some days ago, what should be the correct behaviour to adopt with her, in order to be happy and the response was: 50.1.5>1.

Now I'm really not sure about how to interpret that, even though I guess the message behind was: close with that relationship and be opened to a new beginning. if someone want to help/add something about I would be really happy to read about.

Now, besides everything, I made my choice, and I'm suffering a lot even though I rationally know it's the right choice for me. That's my only defense now, cutting every contact. Since she knows she has a sort of control on me due to my feelings.
I hope that I can quickly recover from that, even though I feel it will be hard.

M.

 

[Tohpol]

what should be the correct behaviour to adopt with her, in order to be happy:

50.1.5>1.

H.50 - the cauldron: alchemical vessel of transformation.

Line 1: Ridding oneself of limiting beliefs, negative self-concept, dead-end relationships, stagnating elements within the psyche in order to prepare and "cook" new ingredients in your inner world. This is the beginning of a refining process of the emotions and it often involves suffering.

Line 5: An expansion of awareness where you develop and transform your character. New life!

This is a great Hexagram and set of lines to receive. You are cooking something spiritually nourishing inside and if you stay with it you'll go from strength to strength.

It takes a lot of courage to break from relationships which are creating dissonance rather than harmony (especially when the sex chemicals are turbo-charged) but I think you've done the right thing. It may also be true that things can change in the future? Who knows?

Meantime, all the best.

 

[punkarre]

Thanks a lot Topal for you words and help. It is indeed a hard moment for me, hard to describe everything that is behind that relationship for me but at the end I had to follow my "rational me" instead of the heart one.
But I am confident about the future, it seems like a new and brighter beginning is coming for what I-ching is saying. That also depends on me so I will do my best to come out as soon as possible from this sentimental impasse.
I will update (hopefully soon) about my situation.
Thanks a lot again,

M.

 

[punkarre]

Hello again,

it's been now 10 days I have no contact with "X", honestly I still feel bad and keep thinking about her, about what I want, if I should do something or just wait until finally my heart (and my mind) will calm down but again, this is absolutely not easy. I cannot hide the fact that every day I'm hoping she will contact me in some way, even only a message; that I check her profile on social networks etc. I feel I am still weak and not strong enough and I consciously have to admit that I still would like to stay with her.
So a couple of days ago I asked Yi the following question:

What will my relationship with X be like by the end of this month? --> 30.1.5.6 > 31

Now, first of all, I am really not sure if this could be a good question since at the moment there's no relationship anymore between the two of us and then maybe it seems more I am asking for a prediction?
Anyway that's what came out and sincerely I'm feeling more confused and destabilised.

I think I got what hex 30 means in this case but I am kinda surprised about 31 and the changing lines.
Moreover it seems mostly that Yi is referring to what I feel, my feelings about that situations and my hopes and not to what the situation could be in a while?
But then what could mean all this piscture together: having care of myself (hex 30, taking care of the cow) but what about the lines?

Then Hex 31: not sure if I should feel scared or happy about that. What I read is that we will getting closer again, ot it's just what I want to read in that?
Any opinion and help regarding this will really help

Anyway, thanks again for the support so far and I hope this will help also others.

M.

 

[punkarre]

No one has any advice about that response 30.1.5.6>31?

That would really help, thanks in advance to anyone.

M.

 

[GoldenN]

1. Treading is staggeringly. Respect it. Without fault.
It is not necessary to be perfect. Everybody recognizes a serious attempt and an honest effort. It is better to show a clumsy truth than a fake show.*

5. Producing tears in streams, grieving with laments. Auspicious.
One shows oneself most clear in one's sorrow. Tears often say more than words. A contact that is based on deep and genuine feelings is rich in value and honesty.

6. The king makes use of going out on an expedition with a celebration, chopping off heads. The catch is not the enemy. No fault.
In order to make an idea visible for others, one has to make a show. Only truth is often too dim for others to become inspired. Do not deceive them, but make a theatre.


30 is a funny hexagram. It gIves an insight. But you can attach too much significance to the thing or person who revealed it to you.

So, independent of the person involved, you've had an insight into the feelings you want to experience more of. You can be honest now in knowing what you seek. The uncertainty in her own life on her real feelings is not ideal. To have what is healthy, there has to be truth, even if that truth involves much lamenting.

My thought is that if you are clear with her about your very real feelings, including your rational override, you give information for her to mature and work with. Not yet though, give it a little more time. Maybe write a letter so to give her space to digest, and see what she says, in return. Too many men don't say why they withdraw and women offer in maligned ways. Do the world a favor and yourself and her and be truthful. What have you got to lose other than illusions of attraction.

But be truthful.

 

[punkarre]

So, independent of the person involved, you've had an insight into the feelings you want to experience more of. You can be honest now in knowing what you seek. The uncertainty in her own life on her real feelings is not ideal. To have what is healthy, there has to be truth, even if that truth involves much lamenting.

My thought is that if you are clear with her about your very real feelings, including your rational override, you give information for her to mature and work with. Not yet though, give it a little more time. Maybe write a letter so to give her space to digest, and see what she says, in return. Too many men don't say why they withdraw and women offer in maligned ways. Do the world a favor and yourself and her and be truthful. What have you got to lose other than illusions of attraction.

But be truthful.

Hi GoldenN,

thank you so much for you answer. This really opened my mind and, I must say, describes what I am struggling about. You are right, There's nothing to lose other than an illusion of attraction, and probably being totally truthful about my feelings, avoiding to keep something hidden, will surely help in any case. Yes I withdrew, but I did because I was so afraid to suffer more even though now I am sufferring anyway, questioning myself if something could have been different.
Not sure when and how I should contact her, I probably need to meditate upon and clarify myself more.
Even though, what made me have doubts and think about was HEX 31 as result of 30's changing line.
I mean, it really seems to point out at something positive for this relation with her but I'm still not totally convinced, or I am just still too scared.
Any insight about it as change from 30 in this case?

Thanks so much for the help,

M.

 

[punkarre]

So I took courage and I wrote a letter (an email really), in which I finally tell her everything about my feelings, with honesty, no regrets and fear.
Of course I didn't send the letter yet and asked Yi the following question:

What will happen if I send her the letter?: 26.5>9
And again, I feel confused, or still too newbie to fully comprehed what Yi is trying to tell me.

Anyway HEX 26 - The Taming Power of the Great: holding firm, but it furthers to cross the great water as well.
Line 5, moreover: The tusk of a gelded boar. Good fortune.

So it changes in HEX 9 - The Taming Power of the Small: has success, dense clouds, no rain from our western region. The wind drives across heaven: The image of The Taming Power of the Small. Thus the superior man Refines the outward aspect of his nature.

And then:
The time has not yet come for sweeping measures. However, we may be able, to a limited extent, to act as a restraining and subduing influence. To carry out our purpose we need firm determination within and gentleness and adaptability in external relations.

So again it says "has success" but at the same time "The time has not yet come for sweeping measures".

I really do not understand if that is a auspiciour reading or something in between: should I keep the mail for me now and wait for a better time or should I send it, to "tame the wild" boar and cross the great water?

Any insight about these 2 hexagrams related to that situation will be really helpful.

M.

 

[precision grace]

Hi, I'm not really sure I've got this right for you, but if this was my reading, I would probably be tempted to read it as - this big thing for you will be a small progress overall. Perhaps the whole process of writing the letter/email will reduce some of the long built anxiety you have about this situation?

 

[punkarre]

Hi, I'm not really sure I've got this right for you, but if this was my reading, I would probably be tempted to read it as - this big thing for you will be a small progress overall. Perhaps the whole process of writing the letter/email will reduce some of the long built anxiety you have about this situation?

Hi precision grace, thanks for the answer.
For sure just writing about my real feelings, that I never had courage to tell her directly (I know it's a long thread but reasons are written in the first post basically) reduced a bit this state of anxiety. It's like I finally thrown out what was repressed because of my fear and insecurity. However I still feel quite confused about what I really should do: keep "cooking" or just go on with the letter since, as GoldenN also wrote a couple of messages above, there's basically nothing I have to lose now.
Still I do no understand though if HEX 26 into 9 could be considered good in my situation or not
Thanks again for your help,

M.

 

[GoldenN]

Hi Punkarre,

Have you sent the letter?

What will happen if I send her the letter?: 26.5>9

There's something that happens when you send a letter to someone that doesn't happen if you don't. You release all the chaos into a format intended to say something and you say it to the person it matters about.

Then, that person chooses to respond. And if they don't, that's a response too.

26 is about harnessing knowledge from those that came before you and gathering power. I see it a little like the process you would take before you got to 50, the Cauldron, where now you have all this information and can synthesize it.

9 means incrementally moving forward. Like water slowly filling a bucket. Or how, every year, until we're about 25, we grow a little more as almost inevitable progress upward. Or, like sending a letter to someone you think you love is incremental progress in discovering your own abilities in facing and moving through fear.

In sending a letter, there is nothing to lose. Someone who will love us when we are having a sick day or feeling dispirited, and make us soup and bring us vitamin C or lemon + ginger tea (as we would do for them) will also see the value of our inner most feelings about them. And if they don't see the value of our innermost feelings, it is unlikely that they will ever bring us lemon + ginger tea when we're feeling poorly.

It's in saying how we really feel and offering ourselves that we discover who will almost surely never be there for us. It's painful in the sense of pulling out gum caught in your hair. You wouldn't just let it sit there and grow out. To remove the gum is an obvious solution as is to share your feelings and find out if they are reciprocated.

Hexagram 9 is about all the little steps we take on the big road of life. In 20 years, if you even remember, you'll look back on this moment with this girl and a. be thankful you cleared up the question early on of how she felt so you could move on with your life, with her or without. and b. You'll be stronger and happier and more sure of yourself having spoken out.

There's no reason to live in doubt when resolution is usually as easy as sending a letter. Harder to convince the delusional heart that yearns when no reply comes but at least, that's where 26 comes in. A whole history of people in this world have suffered and grown from something just like this. And each one of them, having recovered their heart, will lend their wisdom and say that anyone not receptive to your heart is not deserving of it.

I will also say this, from experience: By the time you must write letters to someone you love, time has likely moved beyond what is possible to exist between you. This doesn't mean that they don't feel the same way you do but that there is something blocked in communication, maybe in you despite that you're the one writing the letter. It is always worthwhile to examine a course that leads to pining and long love letters. There is no sense in looking to the other person then because it is you that is sitting and pining and writing. How better can your energy be directed so it finds response?

But please, keep us updated on what happens. And good luck.

:bows:

 

[punkarre]

Hello again,

Thanks a lot GoldenN for the reply, I really appreciate your insights and help.
Yes I sent the letter, exactly one week ago. And she contacted me the day after. And everything happening now and all what happened so far during this week is worth mentioning since it also involves other questions I asked Yi but I didn't post here since I was really trying to meditate more deeply about every thing I ask first, trying to figure out what Yi is telling me. I guess Yi was totally right when giving me response about the cauldron some time ago :bows:
So I will describe what happened and all questions I asked step by step, of course any other insight about will be very much appreciated; lot changed and will change.

First, after receiving the e-mail, she contacted me the day after, in the morning, telling me she didn't know how to react and what I was expecting from her now.
I told her that I was not expecting anything, that I didn't want to force her but just wanted to tell her my true and deep feelings and that I'm working on myself in this period, being able to pull out everything without fears and illusions. She also told me it's impossible I don't expect anything and that she hopes I'm not so bad for how it ended up between us (I cut messages etc but she was the one telling its better to be only friends etc) and finally also that for me it's now easy because all the burden is put on her uch:

Anyway we kept messaging and at the end of the day I asked Yi:
How the situation between me and X can be now described? -> 20.6›8
My idea about that response is: try to look with some distance at the situation (Kuan, contemplation) and keep in mind that you (me) are a person she want be in contact with because she needs me and she like to talk with me and ask advice etc(?) (Pi, solidarity).

I didn't push further, trying to limit my messages and also waiting for her to write me first, and we just kept exchanging messages during these days. She told me she cares about me doesn't and want me to be sad or depressed and so on. Day after day it's just exchanging messages, easy talking about how we feel (healthwise) and that's it.
I'm not really sure what it will be and I feel confused still. Maybe I'm simply not able to understand that there's nothing I can do while she's able to be distant and she just keep staying in touch for caring and a sort of courtesy?

Following these thoughts I asked Yi, a couple of days ago, the following:
How the relationship between me and X could evolve in the immediate future? ->11.1.2.3›2
Well that seems to be a really good response no? At least for what I was able to get? Hex 11 (T'ai, Peace) going into hex 2 (K'un, Receptive).

That's what it is now, with a couple of side details though.
- I have a problem with my arm since a couple of months that I'm taking care of, so she seems to really care about that and hence that could be a reason for her to contact me.
- She broke her laptop and she's asking me help in finding another model that suits her need (yes, I have expertise with IT), and that is, or could be another reason to keep in touch.

I'm not pessimist, it's just I don't really know if there's really a chance to take her back with me. Sometimes I feel she could, sometimes I feel her so distant. I'm still confused, even though Yi with the last reading seems to be quite certain about a sort of reunion?
As already written, any further help or insight is more than well accepted.

Thanks a lot,

M.

 

[GoldenN]

Hi M,

I'm really pleased you sent the letter.

20.6 > 8 a noble heart is a bountiful gift if you allow it 8 is a union being felt out. It isn't decided. You could say that how you work with line 6 (look at James DeKorne's site that has all the major translations to understand how best to feel out the situation of potential union). 8 isn't a romantic hexagram and nor is 20. 20 is contemplative. You can contemplate more truthly if your heart remains noble. Perhaps like a Templar Knight.

11 and 2 are peaceful flow and receptivity, respectively. This means you do not lead, you are receptive and open, going with the flow. Cessate expectation.

This will also allow you the pace and rhythm to understand your own heart and what is best for you. Because 20, 8, 11, and 2 are contemplative, receptive, flowing please just be with the experience and see what it becomes esp as now you have already shared your heart.

Best of luck and please continue to share with us :bows:

 

[ginnie]

I wouldn't read too much into getting hex 31 as your relating hexagram, punkarre. Here at Clarity we often point out that the relating hexagram is how you are related to your own question. In other words, the relating hex is often simply the context of your question and not at all the result. On occasion the second hexagram can be the result, but more often it is just the background. And the fact is that right now you are still being influenced by her.

 

[punkarre]

I wouldn't read too much into getting hex 31 as your relating hexagram, punkarre. Here at Clarity we often point out that the relating hexagram is how you are related to your own question. In other words, the relating hex is often simply the context of your question and not at all the result. On occasion the second hexagram can be the result, but more often it is just the background. And the fact is that right now you are still being influenced by her.

Thank you very much Ginnie for your clarification, indeed I'm still influenced by her, that's undeniable.
However your advice is really important to me since it's a spark really useful in order to make more clarity into this matter. It will surely help me in thinking, considering and reconsidering again all the answers Yi gave me so far, along with all insights already received here.
Thank a lot again, I will keep you updated.

M.