Totally Unexpected

[kindi]

A very strange and frightening thing happened to me today. Ironically, everyone asks if their ex will come back, or if they'll ever re-connect, and it never seems to happen unless you have no desire for it to happen at all.

I was shocked, confused, and worried to open my email this morning and find 25 emails from an ex I've had no contact with for more than a year. Here is the very strange thing- he apparently had saved dozens of email from conflicts he and I had had 2 years ago. Well, he goes into his email and hits reply and sends 25 of these old messages to me. He says nothing. Doesn't write anything. So, I think- could this have just been a mistake? Why in the world would he do this? In fact- why in the world did he keep all of the email? Knowing him, he's not the type to blunder through his email and make the mistake of replying to and sending 25 email. I have NO desire to have any contact with this man. Those ties are broken and he is in the past with a capital P. But, I'm still very curious as to why he is doing this now. There were really deep wounds that came out of that relationship. So, I ask-
Why did he do this?
14.5 1

Does he want me to contact him?
19.2 (24)

Why would I want to do that?
45.6 (12)

What advice generally do you have on him doing this?
23.6 (2)

How does he feel about me?
51.1.4.6 (23)

My general impression of those answers are- he's having some bizarre, completely unexpected, blue moon period of regret, and the I-ching is saying by 23.6 (2) the past was very bad, leave the past there, as there are better things coming to you.

The last answer 51- on first reading it seemed to be how I feel.. but I don't know..

 

[hmesker]

I wonder why you ask so many questions about a man who you "have NO desire to have any contact with". Maybe you don't want to contact him, but you are not completely free of him either. Are "those ties" really "broken"? Nevertheless, here are my views.

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

Why did he do this? 14.5 1 <!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
He sees you as his possession (H14), he wants to be in control (5th line) and dominate you as a male (H1) in a pathetic traditional old-fashioned way. I wouldn't be surprised if he always behaved like that towards you.

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

Does he want me to contact him? 19.2 (24)<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
Definitely.

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

Why would I want to do that? 45.6 (12) <!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
You said you do not want to contact him, so I wonder why you asked this question.

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

What advice generally do you have on him doing this? 23.6 (2) <!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
This is the end (6th line) of a gradually culminated process of tearing things apart (H23). Obviously you have hurt him. Now he wants you to know that. But the advice is to stay who you are, and keep to your principles (H2).

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

How does he feel about me? 51.1.4.6 (23) <!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
He demands a new start, a rekindling of the fire (H51), but he is very angry (the abundance of moving lines makes H51 agressive). He knows that his actions will only make things worse (H23), but his impulse-driven actions (H51) are not under any control.

And now for some common sense: when somebody does what he did he clearly wants your attention. And he wants you to respond. But his behaviour is - for whatever reasons - not normal, and when behaviour is not normal you should not respond. After all, you decided the book was closed, so why put another chapter to it?

Harmen

 

[martin]

I don't see it in the hexagrams, Kindi, but he possibly has a virus on his computer that does this.
If that is the case he will not know what happened until somebody (mails were probably also sent to others, not only to you) responds.

 

[martin]

Of course, if it's indeed a virus and he has by now discovered what happened he might feel quite upset. 51.1.4.6 ?

 

[hmesker]

Hi Martin,

That could indeed be the case, as the Bugbear virus does this (http://www.jumpgate.net/bugbear.html). But it is an old virus, so it would be odd if it is not picked up by the virus scanner. If the receiver does not have a virus scanner (ooooh, bad bad) then the pc of the receiver will most likely also be infected.

Harmen

 

[kindi]

Why ask so many questions? Unfinished emotional business. Terrible wounds (from him) that I carried with on with me into another relationship even after my tie with him was broken.

AND- because of what happened between us he could potentially make my life complicated. Those emails would be his weapon. Not because there's anything wrong or unusual about our conflicts, but because he would just try to be a "negative reference" for me and say, look what a B**** she is. So, in a way it makes a statement to show me that he still has them.

I don't think it's a virus. It's like him to do something like this.

 

[kindi]

BTW, kudos on your accuracy..

"He sees you as his possession (H14), he wants to be in control (5th line) and dominate you as a male (H1) in a pathetic traditional old-fashioned way. I wouldn't be surprised if he always behaved like that towards you"

I will remain politically correct and not publicize his ethnicity, except to state that his home country has a traditional culture which approves of the covering of women from head to toe. (Not that people who choose to do that should in any way be characterized as intolerant demagogues). It's just an affirmative to the above characterization of this particular man.

 

[hmesker]

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

Why ask so many questions? Unfinished emotional business. Terrible wounds (from him) that I carried with on with me into another relationship even after my tie with him was broken.<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
Sorry, I do not seem to 'get' it, as Chris would say. How can there be 'unfinished emotional business' and also 'the tie' be 'broken' at the same time? Unless the 'emotional business' is finished I think it is impossible to 'break the tie'. I sense some panic in your first e-mail, an emotional reaction which would not occur if you had really freed yourself from him, I think. I understand that he can be a threat, but if e-mail is his weapon, what could happen? Make a filter in your e-mail client which deletes all his mail before you even see it, and voila.

Anyway, I still think you should not respond. I do not see how responding could be good for you.

Harmen.

 

[kindi]

Just to confirm the accuracy of the I-ching in describing this..

I found another email in a different account that was a reply to 2-year old email from my oldest child. He wrote an apology to her. So, no virus, no accident.

I don't plan to reply.

 

[Grandma]

Your husband sounds "verbally abusive", there is a good book on the subject "Why does he do that"
I had a husband like that and he is a white Canadian.
It's about power and control.
Absolutely do not respond.Hmesker's suggestion to filter your e mail sounds like a great idea.

 

[jte]

Just to help complete the puzzle pieces here...

"Why would I want to do that? 45.6 (12)"

A *hypothetical* (even rhetorical) question - so, *hypothetically* in the answer, *if* you missed him, then that is why you would want to (because you missed him).

However, definitely don't confuse the response with advice to actually reply to his emails, for all the very good reasons in the other responses to your questions.

- Jeff

 

[hilary]

About 23.6 as general advice...

'A ripe fruit not eaten.
Noble one gets a cart,
Small people strip away their huts.'

What you said about this line is spot on. The past is a good place to leave the past. But it also talks about the future - how there is great potential still untouched. Then it contrasts two ways of responding to such a turning point.

The noble one with her cart can move on - she is free to go anywhere, plant the seeds anywhere, rebuild and grow as she sees fit. The Judgement of 23 says there's no use having a direction to go - but having a specific direction in mind is very different from having the means to travel in any direction you choose.

Small people are not so good at change or moving on. Instead of moving out of the past, they stay in the same place and just rearrange the furniture. This is unproductive at best and self-destructive at worst - but the noble one must be a long way off by now.

As advice, I think you could take this in two ways. He does sound pretty obviously like the small person, revisiting the old stuff and pushing it around; you can be the noble one, and enjoy the ride! Secondly, though, beware of getting sucked back in by your own inner 'small person'.

(Hm - it sounds like this is just what you'd already understood and decided. I hope this confirmation is welcome

)

 

[frank_r]

23

It?s the hexagram of falling or causing to fall, and is used for overthrowing something or somebody . The matter is trying to get rid of the last vital energy, the structure is at it?s maximum. That's why 23 has so much power. Everything is bundled in the last line, the line of the wise.

This energy is protecting your hearth, your most spiritual energy.
And especially 23.6 gives you protection to keep the mean outside.
When this protection is falling away you are open to the emotion from other people. So let only people get in this far that you really trust.

So if you don't want to open yourself to this person, take good care. When 23.6 changes in 2 you will be totally receptive. like a mother is for her child.

Best wishes Frank R

 

[kindi]

If I were not concerned about his desire for revenge, and that he could carry out those desires through slanderous dishonesty about me that could affect my child, then I would not have consulted the Yi. My real concerns are not about him and re-kindling a relationship. I am not the same person who would involve myself with a verbally abusive man again.(correct!) If that were all there were to this, then there would be no question of how to deal with him. I am certainly not going to respond to empty emails, as that makes no sense.

After calming down, I reflected, and asked in trepidation- What is his intention is contacting me again? 33.3 (12) Clutching at a person in anxiety, attempting to control them. -What does he want to happen with me? 1.5.6 (34)Line 5 changes to 14, mirroring the first answer to my question. I interpet line six as forcing me to repent, rather than his own repentence. It appears that he simply wants to show me his power.

Then on to the real issue- what is my path if I ignore him? (In other words- will my fear be realized, or will he simply go away?) 64.1.6 (54)
This is difficult. I have some ideas, but in general, I don't think he'll leave it alone.

I asked what is my path if I respond when he tries to speak to me directly, and simply apologize for my part in our breakup and ask that we move on with our lives? 26.2 (22) This seems to tell me it will work. I will defuse some anger, though not stop him from continuing to approach me.

What do I do to create the most positive situation? 44

What will he do if I apologize very simply?
50.4 (44)

I think that it is clear I cannot and will not respond now, to empty email. But, if he attacks me in anger directly, which I feel that he probably will, then it seems I have the inner power to respond in a way that asserts my self as unwilling to be controlled and unwilling to give myself up to him, but that also releases healing energy to apologize and move on.

If he does not in fact simply go away, then that would be what I want to happen.

And then after writing the above, I asked again, because it seems like such not a good idea to deal with him again, "is it in my interest to enter dialouge with him?"

44.4 (57)

Seems to confirm.

 

[kindi]

UPDATE

Do you ever wonder how something turned out? I do, because it shows me where I got it right and where I got it wrong interpreting the hexagrams.

What is his intention is contacting again: 33.3 (12) He refuses to allow me to retreat until he is done with me, even though months have passed since he has been in my life. That was the answer.

What does he want to happen with me? 1.5.6. (34) Take my money and force me to repent to punish and overpower me. He wants revenge, just like I feared. That was the answer.

What if I apologize, and I ask that we move on? This was the choice I made. 26.2.(22). Interesting to see what the hexagrams were showing me. First, 22 in the resulting hexagram was describing how he perceived my apology; superficial. His perception of my words were that they were insincere, but he did not express that, (so 22 is in the background). 26.2 was describing his words to me. "I have great power that I am restraining at the moment as I communicate with you, and I am saving that energy in order to come back in your life and file a bizarre, frivilous lawsuit against you to try to hurt you."

So, basically the hexagrams were telling me it didn't matter what I said. This is how he's going to respond. They weren't indicating the existence of any power on my part to change his intention.

This fact is most clearly expressed in the answer to the question, "what do I do to create the most positive situation?" An unchanging hexagram. 44. Go out and meet it- and face him, because regardless of how unjustified and arrogant his belief that he deserves revenge is, he's going to try to get it. Nothing you can do.

And what will he do if I apologize very simply? 50.4 (44). This is such a hopeful hexagram. It spoke of something less menacing and sinister than my experience of this human being. It spoke of being able to handle and meet his emotional needs and defuse his desire for revenge. Could it possibly have meant, he'll consume the apology and just keep wanting more from you?

Instead, what actually happened was I apologized, and he responded with bizarre threats and a complete denial of any responsibility in our break-up. I did not say even one more word. He sent two more emails to me, and I didn't even open them.

As for the answer to the last question, should I enter dialouge with him, and received 44.4 (57), I believe this answer was a literal picture of the topic of conversation and issue between us that we needed to discuss. It seemed to be telling me, well, if you talk about that. Or even-there's nothing except this subject to speak about.