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autumn

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I have recently gotten a lot of help in this forum examining some underlying issues related to my ex and our child. The advice I was getting was to let go of pettiness (35.4>23) and move forward "in sorrow", releasing the past, to a new start. (35.2>64). The advice was to do so in cooperation and connection with my ex, (35).

I had to speak to him this weekend, and thus was reminded quite vividly why I do not speak to him. We got into an argument within three or four sentences, which ended in him calling to threaten me. This is a typical occurrence with him. For my part, I guess I did become petty before I even had time to think. I asked him a question about his finances, and that enraged him. He tries to control every aspect of our conversations, and regularly hangs up if I have gone off the topic he has chosen. Charming, wonderful fellow.

I am thinking in a new direction about this, now. Cooperation is a two-way street. I can't cooperate with a person who doesn't want to cooperate. This has already drained so much of my energy, I just cannot afford to continue in this. If he won't help me stop the conflict, then I have to find a way to make it stop on my own. I have to get free of feeling oppressed by him when he's not even here.

In retrospect, the advice of 35.4 as what I am doing wrong may have been very pragmatic. It may have been telling me, "shut your mouth at any and all cost , because he will use any excuse to try to attack you and you can't live under the constant pressure of that".

He doesn't allow to me to speak to him about any subjects that have not met with his prior approval, and resolving conflict is not on the approved subject list. So, I am trying to get insight into what's going on with him with these questions, and figure out what I can do to just move on to a new chapter in my life.

The answers to these questions are entrenched. It looks like there is no hope of even being able to cooperate as parents. I think the first answers are probably saying we are coming at this from such radically different perspectives, (I need substantial communication, emotional exchange, and information about our child, 48, and he has no intention of giving me that, 60), we can't move forward to resolution.

what is my position in the conflict
48
what is his position
60
what is the best possible outcome between us
51
what does joe want from me
21
what is joe angry about
62.1 (55)
what should i do about joe
32.6 (50)
(he causes me constant anxiety)
what is my path forward to peace with joe
43.3.5.(54)
 

mudpie

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48- your place in the conflict may need to be seen as that which sets the tone. f you want a clear flow of interchange, much depends on how clean you keep your own well- resentment and the like will muddy the waters, but if you remain virtuous and pure in your thoughts and actions, you can set the tone of the relationship. He can't muddy your waters unless you let him ( by reacting e.g.)

60- he is limited. you are dealing with a person limited by his own mindset, limited in his behaviors, and maybe even limited in what he can give.

51- his behavior will be shocking to you, maybe time after time. Knowing that, and accepting that it will not change, you can be prepared. Don't let the shocking way he treats you be a surprise. you can train yourself to laugh about it (to yourself), or let it go right over your head.

62.1 he feels powerless. he doesnt have a lot of control in this situation. it makes him mad. tough!

21- he wants justice. maybe vengeance.

32.6 - enduring restlessness. It's been a long same-old, same-old struggle. 32.6 is, I believe, a warning against letting something unhappy go on and on, leading nowhere. The 6th line can often represent an end if you recognize it as such. 50 is finding the ingredient in all this to effect change, create something new (in yourself, for yourself)

43.3.5

if you read wilhelm, it seems so accurate for your situation. It is a major challenge. you will need to associate with him, and you may have to endure his citicism, etc. BUt you have to be resolved not to lose focus (your child) and to maintain your integrity. Dealing with weeds...they pop up again and again, and the work can seem relentless. BUt your task is to raise your child, and again, you must be resolved to deal with this man when necessary.... but do it on your terms. Be determined. Clearly defined boundaries, and a clearly determined mindset are what come to mind for me. Remain free of blame by virtue of your own impeccable behavior and strength.
 

autumn

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listener said:
32.6 - enduring restlessness. It's been a long same-old, same-old struggle. 32.6 is, I believe, a warning against letting something unhappy go on and on, leading nowhere. The 6th line can often represent an end if you recognize it as such. 50 is finding the ingredient in all this to effect change, create something new (in yourself, for yourself)

That's been the hardest part of all of this, carrying around constant worries about what he's going to do, or what he's going to get mad about. And then when those worries start to dissipate, I think about his disrespect and how that will affect our child. But now, I just feel a great sense of peace in setting it down and moving forward as you described..

Thank you.
 

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