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What can I do to improve my relationship with Peter? Yi's answer, 28.3.4 to 29.

Sammuis

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Hi everyone,

First let me thank you for taking the time to read this (and perhaps respond). I'm very new to the I Ching and would like to benefit from your experience in understand the answer I have received.

Situation description:
Relationship of 15 years and we have a 6 year old daughter together. We have had a lot of ups and downs. Trust issues on my part. He has lied to me (a couple of times). My share in that is that I backed him into a corner. And instead of confronting me head on he chose "the easy way". Which only leads to more problems. For the last 2,5 years we have been living apart. He couldn't take my distrusting him anymore. In the past I have talked to a number of psychologists but that didn't do me any good. In my head I understand how it works and know what I should do. But it's a constant battle between my head and my feelings. I'm scared to trust again. There is probably an underlying (unknown) reason which caused the intensity of the fear I felt because of his lies. I have to say that he probably sounds like a bad guy right now but in general he isn't.

Back to the now: a couple of weeks ago he told me he doesn't really love me anymore and has recently met someone else. I guess that made me wake up. I realised I don't want to lose him. And so for the first time since 2,5 years I have told him this. I am willing to put in the effort. He however says that he in turn also has lost his trust in me. And cannot see the situation change for the better. We see each other once a week with our little girl. I don't call or text him.

I would love to know if there still is possibility that we will get back together. Can anyone help me understand the answer I got from I Ching? Many thanks in advance!
 

Yana-Rose

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28.3 Wilhelm/Baynes: The ridgepole sags to the breaking point. Misfortune.

28.4 Wilhelm/Baynes: The ridgepole is braced. Good fortune. If there are ulterior motives, it is humiliating.

Hex 29 Wilhelm/Baynes: The Abysmal repeated. If you are sincere, you have success in your heart, and whatever you do succeeds.

I would say that the line 28.3 implies that your assumptions about your relationship have no foundation in reality and if you push the idea of continuing the relationship further, the ridgepole which holds everything together now (your ideas, wishes, expectations and perception of this relationship) will not endure and will fall apart after which you could feel worse than now. How to keep that ridgepole braced? Maybe you should reconsider your ideas and expectations about this relationship and what you really want from it like, for example, what is the definition of good relationship between you two under these circumstances. Maybe you will feel humiliating the comprehension (humiliating only in your eyes) how it is not possible to get back to this relationship as before, but with that sincere confession to yourself you two could have a correct relation.
 
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Sammuis

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Thank you Yana-Rose for your interpretation. It's not what I was hoping to hear but you might be right. And whatever happens between us, we have our daughter to think of, so at least having a "correct" relationship with each other is necessary. Thanks again.
 

rosada

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28.3 The relationship as lovers has collapsed
28.4 Make an effort to continue the relationship for the sake of your daughter. I think it advises that you should strengthen this part of your relationship (perhaps by doing everything you can to make these meetings go smoothly) without any ulterior motive of getting back together as lovers, which would only be humiliating.
 

Sammuis

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Thank you Rosada.
Also absolutely not what I wanted to hear. But I've asked for your interpretation and this is what I got. And I do thank you for your time and effort.

Is it perhaps possible that, with me putting in hard work on myself, the ridgepole will get strenghtened enough to safely rebuilt?

I'm having a terribly hard time with this. And am no where near acceptance. I want this man back and therefore I so much want to get the chance to fix what has been broken. 🙏
 

rosada

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It occurs to me that by stepping back from any pressure on him to reunite you will be able to rebuild trust as co-parents. He wont have to lie or pretend and you'll be able to more clearly see your own flaws and correct them, so this does improve your relationship.

This hexagram changes to 29 which describes a seemingly scary path but by taking things one step at a time you are able to progress.
Good luck!
 

Sammuis

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Do you mean to say that according to this cast there is still a possibility for us to reunite as lovers? In the end I mean? After for now letting go and taking the pressure off and taking the steps I have to take to heal myself?
 

moss elk

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What can I do to improve my relationship with Peter? Yi's answer, 28.3.4 to 29​


Don't try to,
let well enough alone.

You got 28 (it is too intense, best to stay out of it.)
and you got 29, Danger.
The changing lines advise for you not to push anything, or there will be calamity.

Yi is not encouraging your wish here,
which only came about after knowing he met someone else,
therefore it is based on jealousy or fear of being alone or whatever,
but not based on love.
 
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Sammuis

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Thank you too Moss Elk.

For a long time I didn't want to open myself up to him. Didn't know how to. Or perhaps better said, I just was to scared. And I guess I believed that somehow we would fix things between us. Now that he has walked away I think a lot about the good things about him and our relationship. Things that I didn't give much attention to out of fear and anger. I really do try to examine my hart with regard to my motivation for wanting him back. And I don't want it to be out of a negative emotion.

I realise that I'm grasping at straws and, at the moment at least, there is nothing I can do to reconnect with him. Accept perhaps making things easier by reconnecting with myself first. Maybe by beeing kind to myself I can be kind to him as well.
 

rosada

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To expand a bit on what I'm seeing in 28.3.4-29..

I think 28.3 symbolizes the trust that was shattered when you realized he had been lying to you. You now have to back track to a position where you can both tell each other the truth. As you say, it's not a truth you were wanting to hear but it's where you need to be if there is going to be any kind of relationship. 28.4 you have an opportunity to rebuild that trust in the way you co-parent your daughter. Your focus must be on being truthful and trustworthy with each other. Like you both being reliable when one says they'll pick her up at such and such a time and you don't cancel or be late. This leads to having conversations about how the little girl is doing, feeling, and as you are both honest and truthful about the child, reporting the cute thing she said or giving a heads up that she's had too much sugar, you will develop deeper honesty and trust. The important thing is that you not be having a secret agenda of getting back together with him. Yet if the honesty and trust grows that could happen.There is no aphrodisiac more powerful than truth! As he finds he can talk about anything with you as time goes by your relationship will improve. It may never be as a romantic partnership but it will be a lasting one.

Read the Judgement and Image for hexagram 29. "If you are sincere (honest) everything you do succeeds."
"The superior man walks in lasting virtue and carries on the business of teaching." The lines are pretty scary - it reads like you'd have to be Jesus walking on water to make it across! - but it just means that you have have faith and as you realize this works you'll become more confident until you are a living role model of how honesty is the best policy.
 

Sammuis

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Thanks again Rosada,

You really do make an effort to explain this to me. We do not co-parent, she lives with me, but he sees her weekly. Before corona it would be on Saturday and Sunday but now it's once a week. And we do things with the three of us. But you're right that I should do my best to make these visits/outings go smoothly and to not expect anything from him other than beeing a good dad to our little girl.

I did also ask Yi if I should tell him how I'm feeling. The answer I received was hexagram 61 unchanching. I understood this to advise me to look into my heart and live (and speak) my truth. And yesterday when we met I did open up and I could feel things flow because of that. I try to not get my hopes up to much, but it did FEEL good. However it never takes me long to step out of my heart and move back into my head again. And then the worries, doubts and fears all come floading back. Like yesterday he told me at some point (we were walking in the woods) that he wanted to take the shortest route back because he had hurt his foot a bit. So I thought fine... But later he did do a bit of running and jumping with our little girl. And I started wondering if he really did hurt himself or whether he was pressed for time (perhaps he was meeting his new girlfriend) and didn't want to say that to me. So I realize the trust issue is still there. And if I can't control that we don't have a chance (on a romantic relationship).

Thanks again very much!
 

rosada

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It occurs to me that if you are thinking he is telling you stories to avoid telling you he is meeting with his new friend it might be important for you to reassure him that he doesn't need to do that, that you might not like it but it's more important to you that you both feel you can be totally straight with each other.
 

Sammuis

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I couldn't agree with you more Rosada! However, I have to be really careful not to give him the feeling that I don't trust him/his words (that's the reason he moved out of our house). So I have to sort of not be very direct. Perhaps I can suggest that we meet an hour earlier so that he doesn't have to rush should he have an appointment. And tell him I got the feeling he was in a hurry to leave last weekend and that it works better for me if I don't feel that. In the past I have told him many times honesty works best with me. And he says he doesn't sugar coat things for me anymore... but I'm not sure. I cannot be sure about him (or anyone else for that matter) but I can - and should - create an atmosphere in which he feels comfortable and accepted and not afraid to be honest with me. That is someting I can influence. And I should try to stop questioning his words. And put things into perspective and realise that - if he has lied yesterday - he did it in an attempt not to hurt my feelings. It doesn't automatically mean he lies about important things (which is my big fear).Pfffffff... are you tired of reading it yet? I myself am getting tired of my way of thinking. 😂
 

rosada

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Yeah, maybe the better attitude for now is to accept him just as he is, lies and all!
And you're right - enough of this, it's a beautiful day outside!
 

Sammuis

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Well where you live maybe...but over here the weather was absolutely awful. 😲 But regardless of the weather conditions I want to stop overthinking everything. I mean he could really have hurt his ankle, or it possible he told me a little white lie. I'll never know so it's a waste of energy. And it's drawing my attention away from myself and I should be looking more inward. And instead of trying to "control" him, try to control myself. My thought process and actions. And now you go and enjoy the lovely weather! 🌞
 

Matali

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Thanks again Rosada,

You really do make an effort to explain this to me. We do not co-parent, she lives with me, but he sees her weekly. Before corona it would be on Saturday and Sunday but now it's once a week. And we do things with the three of us. But you're right that I should do my best to make these visits/outings go smoothly and to not expect anything from him other than beeing a good dad to our little girl.

I did also ask Yi if I should tell him how I'm feeling. The answer I received was hexagram 61 unchanching. I understood this to advise me to look into my heart and live (and speak) my truth. And yesterday when we met I did open up and I could feel things flow because of that. I try to not get my hopes up to much, but it did FEEL good. However it never takes me long to step out of my heart and move back into my head again. And then the worries, doubts and fears all come floading back. Like yesterday he told me at some point (we were walking in the woods) that he wanted to take the shortest route back because he had hurt his foot a bit. So I thought fine... But later he did do a bit of running and jumping with our little girl. And I started wondering if he really did hurt himself or whether he was pressed for time (perhaps he was meeting his new girlfriend) and didn't want to say that to me. So I realize the trust issue is still there. And if I can't control that we don't have a chance (on a romantic relationship).

Thanks again very much!
Hello,
Hexagram 61 is very positive ! With your positive attitude, you regain confidence... This answer can also mean: yes you can confide in him, he is someone you can trust. With your 28-29 hexagrams, you can't know the future of your relationship. Everything is in motion... nothing is definitive... Stay in "61" and you'll see that you'll have everything to gain by connecting with your inner truth and your confidence in yourself and in it 🌺
 

Sammuis

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Thank you very much Matali! When I woke up today I felt very down about the situation...scared to trust my feelings about it, and thinking it's safer to listen to my head. And my head is telling me the facts don't look that good...Your message was just what I needed to step back into faith. Thank you. 🙏
 

Sammuis

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Yesterday I thought: yes let's do that...let's "stay in 61" and try not to worry about the outcome. Long story short: I failed. And actually did some more casts... And yes I know this is not the way to go. I suppose my doubts and fears were bigger than my selfcontrol. At one point I asked: "How can I reach his heart?" And I got: 46.3 to 7. This does not sound good to me at all. I mean pushing upward in the empty city? What could this mean? Me working hard to get to the city only to find there's no one for me? There is no open hart? Or could it mean I will arrive a bit early and have to wait a bit? Hmmm. I understand why the sticky about asking relationship advice has been made... So confusing. Today I asked: "How can he and I become a couple (together) again and received: 50 unchanging. This may mean that something is still brewing? And that possibly if I keep looking inward and living and speaking my truth we can reconnect in a more beautiful way than before?
 

Matali

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My hypothesis : 50 you are in a process of transformation. 46.3 also shows this evolution, line 3 is a step in your life. The atmosphere has probably improved and you have everything to gain by continuing with this serenity. On the other hand, the city is empty, it means not to be too demanding with yourself and with this man... I think it is a step in your life 🌺
 

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