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What does my colleague want from me? 3.1.3 39

dancingfox

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Since 4 months I have been working at what I believed would be my dreamjob. I got it almost immediately after graduating and I couldn't believe my luck when I got it. There where a lot of people applying for my job, most of them with much more experience then me. I work together with alot of people with different specializations. There is one colleague who does what I do and she has over 16 years of experience in the field. She always worked alone before they created my job. I was looking up to her in the beginning, hoping we would get to work together so that I could learn from her. That we would have a 'click'. Sadly this has not been the case at all. She does give me feedback when I ask for it but that's about it. I have seen her on much more familiar terms with her intern a few months ago, so I can't help but starting to think that she just doesn't like me or approve of me... She acts reserved around me, neutral where as she can be really familiar with other colleagues. I was hoping that by now she would have warmed up to me a little but no such luck. I love doing my job as a drug counsellor and I get to learn something new every day. It would help if my colleague would warm up a little to me though. I still have a lot of insecurities and I don't feel like I can really rely on my colleague for support.

I asked Yi: What does my colleague want from me? Hexagram 3.1.3 to 39

I think it says that are is trouble at the beginning and that she wants me to ask for help more? But I go about it the wrong way? :brickwall:

I feel biased an this reading, objective insights would be so helpful!
 
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rosada

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If you would write out the whole word "hexagram" instead of just "hex", and then the number - ie. hexagram 1 - it will then show up on our computer screens in a different color and people who subscribe to WikiWing can then click on it and the WikiWing page will come up explaining the meaning of the hexagram in detail. This way folks who don't have the I Ching memorized wont have to look up the hexagram and it may lead to you getting more responses.
 

Trojina

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I asked Yi: What does my colleague want from me? Hex 3.1.3 to 39

I think it says that are is trouble at the beginning and that she wants me to ask for help more? But I go about it the wrong way?

As you probably know I'm not a great fan of 'what does x want' questions. How do we know who the answer refers to ? Isn't it you who need advice for how to be with her, that is more useful than asking what's in her head.

I'd worry to do her a disservice by claiming to know what she thinks. I feel it would be a presumption.

What do you really want to know ? If you really want to know what her problem is talking to her is the only true way to find out. If you want to know how you should best handle her and how you feel about her and ask questions about that then we'd have a much firmer base to answer from.

Just saying this as you had no replies yet and I can't reply because I'm not guessing what is in her head.

If this answer refers to you, which it might I'd think it was asking you to settle down, not project too far ahead (3.1) because by projecting too far beyond what you can actually know you end up lost (3.3)

Also with these questions about what others think whatever someone responds how will you know if it's true ? It's not like you can say 'aha that's right that is what she thinks' because you won't know it's true for sure without asking her.

So I suggest if you ask from your own POV you might get a lot further. You can ask whatever you like of course I'm just saying that is the reason I could not respond. I don't need links to wikiwing so that is not the reason for no replies for me
 

Trojina

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In your shoes this just isn't a question I'd ever ask.

I'd ask for example things like

'can you counsel me on the relationship with X ?'

'what do I need to know about my connection with x'

'what is the best way to conduct myself with x'

Anything where the question has an 'I' in it. I think you need to be smack bang in the middle of the question in order to interpret effectively.

No reason you can't ask 'what does x want from me', you must ask the questions you like to ask, but if you want an answer you understand and use there's not a lot of mileage in it IMO. In fact there may be mileage in it for you if you get some impressions from it but for me to comment on what this person thinks, well I don't find it a fair thing to do, presume to tell you what she wants, that's if she wants anything. I guess when you ask what she wants you are asking 'how does she want me to be ?'

But you can't conduct yourself really on how you imagine she wants you to be. You need your own centre to ask from.
 

Trojina

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BTW sorry I didn't mean to go on and on I only went on and on because your post has been sat there for some time and no one answered and I thought maybe one reason might be it is hard to get a grip on the answer when you aren't actually in the question anywhere.
 

dancingfox

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BTW sorry I didn't mean to go on and on I only went on and on because your post has been sat there for some time and no one answered and I thought maybe one reason might be it is hard to get a grip on the answer when you aren't actually in the question anywhere.

Thanks for the feedback Trojan.

I have tried talking to her but it feels like talking to a wall. She isn't exactly inviting me into her circle. We had one serious chat when I started out. She told me that we should look out for each other because the job can be emotionally draining. But how can I be this person for her if she doesn't let me in?

So let me rephrase that question.

Can you (Yi) counsel me on the relationship with X?
Hexagram 20.5 to 23

Seems to reflect the question right back at me. Perhaps I need to clarify for myself what I want/need from my colleague in order for me to work towards a good relationship. Instead of wondering what she wants. Does that make any sense?
 

Trojina

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Yes


Using the handy wiki link, from Hilary's translation

'Seeing my own life.
The noble one is without mistake.'

..and this line changes to 23 so there's stripping in there somewhere.

Think back, does this situation remind you of any previous ones in your life ? The thing is I recognize it, probably most people will recognize it, I mean what you described. The woman appears to be almost avoiding you and giving lots of attention to others and that usually feels like being stripped as in 23. But this has happened somewhere before hasn't it ? What did you do then ?

Going back to the first answer which doesn't lose relevance just because I didn't like the question...I mean it must pertain to the situation in some way, the 39 makes me wonder if you can go beyond her, seek help from others who are more supportive. In 3.1 you are still settling in and feeling around for supports and she isn't being supportive by the sounds of it.

So

1. What did you do in previous situations similar to this ?

2. Can you find help beyond her, over her head

I still have a lot of insecurities and I don't feel like I can really rely on my colleague for support.

The above is 3.1 talking and I think it is such insecurity that might lead you to 3.3. Give it more time, there's a danger of hurry in 3.3, maybe settling in will take longer than you think.

Meantime who else is there to connect with ?
 

Trojina

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Just mulling it over I don't think this is the case

I think it says that are is trouble at the beginning and that she wants me to ask for help more? But I go about it the wrong way?

You had 3.1.3>39. That's a 36 yang pattern 6 yin pattern. This isn't exactly your moment with her. Also that difficulty in 3 along with the 39 just make me feel you are better to just let her do her thing and seek elsewhere for support at this time.

Looking at the 20.5 made me reflect on those times we have all had where a teacher/boss/colleague just doesn't warm to us. Thinking about it it doesn't work to keep on trying to make things better with that person it usually works better to just let it be as it is and seek support elsewhere.

With these readings I don't feel you are going about things the wrong way it's just her coolness may be something you have to accept for now otherwise you will waste energy seeking for something not there (3.3). It is of course also a hurtful situation but it looks better to settle, take your time, reach out to others for support.

I could be wrong but I think in time things will become much clearer and I think you will get more perspective on her through talking to others.
 

dancingfox

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AT LAST I have joined the Change Circle. Should have done this ages ago :) This post really did it.

Anyway Trojan I agree on your suggestion about 20.5 to just let it be and seeking support elsewhere. It certainly feels as the wisest way to conduct myself even though it is hurtful yes. I feel in my gut that in time everything will be much clearer.

Think back, does this situation remind you of any previous ones in your life ? The thing is I recognize it, probably most people will recognize it, I mean what you described. The woman appears to be almost avoiding you and giving lots of attention to others and that usually feels like being stripped as in 23. But this has happened somewhere before hasn't it ? What did you do then ?

I recognize this from several social situations, at work, in class, among friends... Sometimes it meant I had outgrown a social circle. Oftentimes it meant I didn't feel accepted by a group. I have always been a loner, in stead of seeking the approval of the group I would just find a way to function alone. This attitude has grown on me throughout the years and I believe I have to be alert that this attitude doesn't become a self fulfilling prophecy. Opening myself up towards a group means making myself vulnerable for possible rejection, an extremely tender point for me because of several rejections in my past.

This has been an intense reading. I will let it sink in for now.

Thank you Trojan, I appreciate your straightforwardness and the way you help me push on to the core of the matter.
 

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