What is the best way to be for me right now in my lovelife?

[dancingfox]

So I had a bit of a rollercoaster in 2020, just like most of us.

After being single for a couple of years I fell really hard and quick for a man, let's call him X, who did not love me back but liked having me around. We dated for 6 months. When I realised the truth of our dynamic I had to learn how to set boundaries with X and cut him out of my life. This left me heartbroken. To ease the pain I ran into another mans arms, let's call this one Y. After only a few weeks I realised the wrongness of this affair and tried to end it in a decent manner. Y didn't take my message or my manner very well and retaliated the next day with a cruel, immature message aimed at shaming me publicly on social media. In the meantime, X never ceased to chase after me, but only for the love of the chase.

It hasn't been easy, but I am maintaining my boundaries with X and have since gotten an apology from Y for his immature behaviour. All of this has left me deeply shocked, mostly with myself. I am working with a healer/ lifeguide to heal from childhood trauma. I understand now that I keep repeating a destructive pattern in my relationships, attracting the wrong men. I focus on embracing myself and finding joy in living alone despite the isolation that came with the lockdown. Next to my daytime job as a jobcoach I am starting up my own project as an holistic guide. By helping others on their healing journey I working on healing myself. Or that's the idea

All of this has been confronting, still is. My question with Yi is: what is the way to be for me right now in my lovelife. I got hex 44 unchanging.

First thing that strikes me is the name of the hexagram... Coming to meet. I think maybe I need to 'meet' or get to know myself first before rushing into the next love affair.

The Yi might be telling me that I can learn to become like the powerful woman in hex 44, who can speak up about what she thinks and wants for herself. I see a link with learning to set boundaries and keeping them in place. Before I can do that I need to take time to get to know myself, what I (don't) want so I can set boundaries from this self-knowledge. Right now I am still very much in the process of getting to know myself despite being in my forties.

The trigrams: Heaven above Wind. This appeals to me, to be like the wind and explore all the corners of the world. I have been alone, working on myself for a couple of months now and I would like to break out and shake things up but the lockdown limits my options drastically... Also I am just not sure on how to be this free and exploring while focusing on myself and maintaining my boundaries? In the past I have ignored the red flags even if I knew they were there when meeting a love interest. I am afraid this will happen again in the future but I don't want this to freeze me into my current reclusive way of life.

It is also a fixed hexagram, does this mean I don't have to do anything?

What do you guys think?? Any other insights?

 

[Trojina]

You were 'dancing fox' right ? Confusing as you show as dancing fox down in the latest posts section.

 

[dancingfox]

You were 'dancing fox' right ? Confusing as you show as dancing fox down in the latest posts section.

Yes I changed my name today, partly to my true name. Dancing Fox didn’t seem to fit anymore. I didn’t realize my name would not be adjusted in the latest posts... Hmmm. Perhaps just change it back to good old Dancing Fox?

 

[Trojina]

All of this has been very confronting, still is. My question with Yi is: what is the way to be for me right now in my lovelife. I got hex 44 unchanging.

It's very destabilising, that is what I feel 44 is saying here. Hence possibly you need to recognise what derails you and have nothing to do with it.

The woman in 44 is just a metaphor for that which pulls you off track. The relationship stuff pulls you off track of your own life. You might enjoy that or you might not but whether you do or don't ultimately you have to come home back to yourself from these derailing distractions.

You can't marry or blend with the way your love life is/was happening. That was a clumsy sentence but basically I don't think you can go on with these relationship situations and so

It hasn't been easy, but I am maintaining my boundaries with X and have since gotten an apology from Y for his immature behaviour. All of this has left me deeply shocked, mostly with myself. I am working with a healer/ lifeguide to heal from childhood trauma. I now understand that I keep repeating a destructive pattern in my relationships, attracting the wrong men. Now, I focus on embracing myself and enjoying living alone despite the loneliness that comes with the lockdown. Next to my daytime job as a jobcoach I am starting up my own project as an holistic guide. By helping others on their healing journey I working on healing myself. Or that's the idea!

Yes...

 

[Trojina]

Yes I changed my name today, partly to my true name. Dancing Fox didn’t seem to fit anymore. I didn’t realize my name would not be adjusted in the latest posts... Hmmm. Perhaps just change it back to good old Dancing Fox?

Up to you I just wondered why you showed as dancing fox in latest replies

 

[dancingfox]

It's very destabilising, that is what I feel 44 is saying here. Hence possibly you need to recognise what derails you and have nothing to do with it.

Yes it has certainly been destabilizing, up to the point when last December I nearly lost it in an emotional breakdown. I am currently working through layers of old wounds with support from the healer. I want to find out for myself what it is in me that derails me in such a bad way when it comes to relationships. This means accepting difficult truths about myself and working through the irresistible longing to repeat old familiar yet toxic patterns.

I basically know what to do and so I know how to be. Keep up the good work with my project, maintaining my personal boundaries and start finding happiness in myself. It’s just that sometimes I would like to scream and fast forward to the point where I can look back at this point in my life as a lesson learned. It’s hard work, dammit.

 

[rosada]

What's the best way for me to be in my love life?

44. Powerful instinctive biological promptings can disrupt our lives causing us to do crazy things like teaming up with unsuitable partners "on the rebound" and even conceiving children with inappropriate mates. It is essential that you recognize this Urge to Merge is active in your life now and follow the guidance given in the Image - that is, be like the wind blowing over the earth: See it all but don't commit to any.

Also, make sure your partners wear a condom! Keep those fish in the basket!

 

[dancingfox]

What's the best way for me to be in my love life?

44. Powerful instinctive biological promptings can disrupt our lives causing us to do crazy things like teaming up with unsuitable partners "on the rebound" and even conceiving children with inappropriate mates. It is essential that you recognize this Urge to Merge is active in your life now and follow the guidance given in the Image - that is, be like the wind blowing over the earth: See it all but don't commit to any.

Also, make sure your partners wear a condom! Keep those fish in the basket!

Hahahahaha thanks Rosada! I really needed a good laugh right now Everything has been so intense and so serious, I really do need to lighten up a bit.

I hope I can adopt this attitude in general and be more light like the wind in 44.

 

[diamanda]

What is the best way to be for me right now in my lovelife? 44 uc
There's nothing you can change in your current lovelife. With the current two 'candidates' you can only be 44 (i.e. sex without any relationship).

 

[dancingfox]

What is the best way to be for me right now in my lovelife? 44 uc
There's nothing you can change in your current lovelife. With the current two 'candidates' you can only be 44 (i.e. sex without any relationship).

Hi Diamanda,

X has been out of my life since last Summer but it never stopped him from reaching out every now and again. I just tell him I’m not interested because I know he only wants something casual, I don’t want that from him. The last time he tried to contact me I flat out ignored him.

I have cut all contact with Y since November. He did apologize recently with a text message but that was it.

I haven’t had any romantic or sexual contact with anyone since November.

 

[diamanda]

Sorry to hear it's being such a dry time for you Johanna, but glad you've cut off both of those time-wasters. The time of 44 isn't a favourable time for relationships in general, only for casual sex. 44 also contains the idea of a dangerous situation approaching (saying this from experience). If this was my reading, I'd just put the whole love issue on hold for now, and wait for better timing. Easier said than done, I know, but it might save you from wasting precious time. Wishing you a turn of the tide soon.

 

[dancingfox]

Sorry to hear it's being such a dry time for you Johanna, but glad you've cut off both of those time-wasters. The time of 44 isn't a favourable time for relationships in general, only for casual sex. 44 also contains the idea of a dangerous situation approaching (saying this from experience). If this was my reading, I'd just put the whole love issue on hold for now, and wait for better timing. Easier said than done, I know, but it might save you from wasting precious time. Wishing you a turn of the tide soon.

Yes I have been putting my lovelife on hold. Not easy no! I think I am attracting these situations with men somehow. And yes they were both time and energy-wasters I recognize that now.

My emotional breakdown in December was potentially dangerous I could feel myself slipping away. Better to keep my fish in the basket until the tide turns

 

[diamanda]

I think I am attracting these situations with men somehow

There are incredibly many of these con artists around and they target, well, everyone. The only way to 'not attract' them is to learn to recognise them early on and block them out immediately.

 

[Trojina]

Yes I mean when you said you needed to do more work on yourself with therapist I did think, especially with 44uc, actually this isn't you, you can't internalise this too much as there really are selfish exploitative people around and we all get taken in by them when we have needs. That doesn't mean it's all our responsibility for something we are, it means there are people who use you and don't honour you because the norms of our culture/society now allow it to happen all the time. Take the phenomenon of 'ghosting'. That was rare 40 years ago but now it's pretty common. So IMO if a person is ghosted they need not jump straight to taking all the personal responsibility for it, I think that approach can be quite toxic for women already prone to blaming themselves for everything.

Maybe these guys aren't horrible people but they are users and 44uc says you don't want such users in your life. I think you could try a 'it's them not me' approach, I think that might help more than 'Oh I have to change myself'. Not really all you have to do is be more aware that others can rip you off emotionally as these people have. The pair, 43 is always worth thinking about especially with an unchanging hexagram.
43 decides what it wants and what it doesn't want, the flip side 44, being invaded by something that can take you over and derail you.

 

[dancingfox]

Hi Trojina

I get what you say about not internalising this. This was my own point of view before I started out with my therapist. I was upset and really indignant when she suggested I would be responsible for all the bs these men put me through.

She explains it like this: we create what we experience. I can ask myself what part of me is responsible for these experiences, because they keep happening to me. How am I creating this again and again? It is a fact that I have been unhappy in my lovelife for most of my life, experiencing similar scenarios again and again.

Then I ask: what part of myself am I neglecting? Because that is the part of me that needs to be heard. To me this was about letting go of old shame and rejection that has been blocking me and embracing myself in the process. That is how I managed to kick both of them out By letting go of the idea that I needed them to complete me. Yes it's definitely them but it has also been me.

 

[Trojina]

She explains it like this: we create what we experience.

We don't create all we experience. If we did rape victims would have 'created' their rape and the disadvantaged would have 'created' that too. It's an insidious, philosophy when applied over everything. It disowns the reality of evil in the world and blames victims.

However in many ways we do create or shape our reality and I trust you know what feels right to you in this part of your life but her explanation isn't new it's new age 'you create your own reality' by the sound of it which has been around a long time and in it's worse form I find pretty criminal when it is sold for money as therapy. But if through her you found the way to let these guys go then I can't argue with that.

 

[marybluesky]

Hello;

I read 44 as being like the powerful woman in 44 who might not taken by anyone & anything. A wild, lively force.

 

[dancingfox]

She does not call herself a therapist but a healer and a lifeguide. I adopted the word you used for her in an earlier reply because I thought it would be an easier term to accept. Yes it does work for me, I grew up in a spiritual inclined family and for a long time I rejected this new age stuff as you call it as a load of crap. Now I am finding my own way as a lifecoach, well I call myself an holistic guide. I am combining what I learned from my spiritual background with my bachelor orthopedagogy and experience as job and language coach. I believe in a healthy mix of my own personal spiritual background and a decent professional and academic background. Much like the woman that is helping me now. I get where you come from but I think we have a different point of view.