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What is the purpose/use of this pause in moving forward in my relationship? 50 1.4 to 26

foxwriter

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I have been in a relationship for nine months.
It started just as I was separating from my husband and nine months after my boyfriend
and his wife separated.
I am now fully divorced. He and his wife have not started the process.

We fell madly in love and things moved fast initially. Lots of time together and trips away. There was sometimes tension with his wife about him being in a new relationship, though he was still very present for their shared parenting.
I was often overwhelmed by my feelings for him, combined with the grief of leaving my husband, home and dog.

Five months after being together I had an unplanned pregnancy & we talked about keeping the baby but in the end, decided on a termination.
Then pandemic/lockdown happened...

We quarantined together as both seemed to have the virus, then had a row in which various of our insecurities came to the fore, and I came back to my own home.

Since then we’ve seen each other quite often, and spoken nearly every night, but he’s made clear his priority is his shared parenting. He also recently got his own dog (he shared one with his wife) and says she is currently his priority.

We had another argument a few weeks ago in which I aired some insecurity about his ex, and he aired his anger about my jealousy about her and since then it feels like we’re even more “on hold”. He contacts me often, and has asked me over often in the past few weeks where I’ve felt comfortable with him and his new dog. But we’ve talked about “maybe” having a fresh start. I’m trying to understand why we’re not having one now, when so much affection and rapport is clearly between us. (Though we don’t now talk about the future, beyond a postponed trip away which we’ve just rescheduled to early September. We’ve stopped talking about love or using the boyfriend/girlfriend. Nonetheless we are in a lot of contact, currently mostly initiated by him).
Astrological and Tarot readings, and my own instinct suggest late August as the time when things will improve and deepen between us again. And perhaps become more explicitly “a relationship”. I am a bit confused about why the wait, and what to do in the meantime. It will be the end of the summer holidays I suppose, and a more “normal” life and routine when his children go back to school. In the meantime I’ve been spending more time and deepening ties with local friends and am going on two camping holidays on my own, then with friends, in the next couple of weeks. I have this sense of holding back, waiting, hoping but being impatient. I want things to be as they were before when we fell in love.

I asked what purpose the continuing pause between us might serve. Yi said 50 1.4 to 26.

Is it that we’re both undergoing some inner transformation and overcoming shame/guilt about our previous baggage in order to control and restrain the energies between us? We have both done some work on better conflict resolution. Which is a big issue for us, but even in the past couple of days, issues which would have turned into big issues have been defused by us both quite quickly, though still in the context of us “talking about a fresh start”. I’m wondering if we both recognise that we need a clearer path before we can reprioritise our relationship again and look at deeper commitment. Some things are still “cooking”. We’re confronting some deep issues (50, 1) and making things simpler between us (I have resolved not to try control his relationship with his ex-it’s none of my business. I’ve been frustrated in the past at how they interact).

I feel like I’m the “concubine” but the “son”-which may have been literal once, is the rapport he and I have and the freedom and exploration we’ve enjoyed, which wasn’t part of his relationship with his wife (our trip away will involve going to galleries which is something he didn’t like to do with her, though he found it hard to articulate why)

line 1 links with line 4. But line 4 is in trouble. Divided loyalties, not enough energy or commitment to discharge his duties. The cauldron is upended-the stuff in it, spoiled. Feels like our relationship and our lives. We couldn’t do all we needed to do. Didn’t have capacity. Not for a new relationship in the midst of everything else. My boyfriend has not been able to be clear or explicit about this and has tried to carry on and placate both me and his wife (issues of trust). We have both felt shame.

Transforming into 26: great restraint. Controlled power is building up. Maybe the great energy between us is currently being sublimated. The time is coming to travel (our trip!) and move beyond our small lockdown worlds again. We have stuff to do (we have worked on creative projects together) but we need to make sure we have the resources to do it.

We were unrestrained before in our first phase-desperate to see each other, to have sex, to consume each other, finding it hard to stop our insecurities and old stuff.

In terms of circumstances-late August is when his separated wife takes the girls on holiday -so perhaps there’s a sense in which his extra responsibilities of the past few months end & he can refocus on his own life again. I feel like I could continue now (I am impatient) but maybe I too need to continue learning how to restrain my power. I’ve had issues with anger and have been gradually learning how to temper it when my fear of rejection is triggered.

(well, dunno if anyone thinks I’m on the right lines and that’s a long post, but putting it into narrative has certainly helped me)
 

foxwriter

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In writing this, I realised that something particularly confusing is the amount of (often playful, connective, happy) contact we’re in during this time.

I asked why my (paused) boyfriend is doing this and got 1.4, 5 changing to...26!

it feels like there is creative energy tentatively building up and our “birds of a feather” ness is keeping us connected but once again, we need to be able to control and restrain this power so as to have no more spilled cauldrons...

Feels like our (his) energy, capacity and commitment is returning though.
 

Trojina

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I asked what purpose the continuing pause between us might serve. Yi said 50 1.4 to 26.


Is it a pause or is this is it ? My personal bias FWIW is this is yet another person (we get a lot of them here possibly because they leave their girlfriend guessing and waiting) who wants it all ways and doesn't want to commit.

In telling you so clearly his kids are his priority it's like he's telling you that you absolutely aren't and also giving himself an escape route. I mean of course his kids are his priority, that's as it should be but does he need to keep announcing it to you. Also if things did develop are you ready to be saddled with not only his commitment to his kids (a good thing but not good for you) but his kids themselves since if you get together properly presumably you are going to have to have them stay and such.

I think your basis for believing this is a pause is shaky. You say you think he's going to be more there in August because of Tarot and Astrology. Tarot's no use to make that into a certainty and I don't think astrology is going to say specifically what he will do in regards to you. If he isn't coming to you now, committing now then it's as good as him not committing IMO.

The reading looks very much like drastic measures (50.1) have been taken. You were together and then you both abruptly broke up for the sake of something but this really is not being honoured in line 4 where dignity is soiled. Also the lines do remind me a bit of the aborted pregnancy and I'm sorry but I'm wondering who wanted that most, you or him ? Indeed the reading reminds me a bit of the story of the pregnancy, that's not a detail it was a major deal in the relationship. You are now being very restrained in your expectations (26) whilst he plays about still calling you often but not really getting any solid plans together. Line 4 is pretty awful in that's there's carelessness, a loss of dignity, a loss of value in what was being made. I don't think he's doing right by you.

It looks like a classic case of what we see on these forums so often. The story goes as follows and I say it from the woman's point of view as it is usually a woman who is here asking

1. Woman meets man they 'fall in love'
2. They spend a lot of time together it's all good whilst the outer world/outer reality of life is on hold
3. He starts pulling back when outer world calls, making excuses whilst not ending the relationship.
4. She grapples with what she perceives as her own 'issues of jealousy' etc
5. She waits whilst sternly controlling her 'impatience' and her 'issues'
6. He flits about wanting best of his own world and her world so he still calls often whilst also keeping his current 'other' life
7. She 'waits' whilst exercising great self control as she thinks she's emotionally too needy and time will reveal all.
8. Her willingness to blame herself for being screwed over by him really suits him and so he continues.
9. She waits, self blames, is patient and this goes on because he's still throwing her tidbits, phone calls and such.

I can see 50.4 there can you ?


You see this is the question that sounds alarm bells


But we’ve talked about “maybe” having a fresh start. I’m trying to understand why we’re not having one now, when so much affection and rapport is clearly between us

Indeed why aren't you having one and how much preparation is he putting in to having one. How much is he wanting to talk about this fresh start and how to implement it ?

In terms of circumstances-late August is when his separated wife takes the girls on holiday -so perhaps there’s a sense in which his extra responsibilities of the past few months end & he can refocus on his own life again. I feel like I could continue now (I am impatient) but maybe I too need to continue learning how to restrain my power. I’ve had issues with anger and have been gradually learning how to temper it when my fear of rejection is triggered.

I don't think you need to restrain your power I think you need to develop a bit more self interest so this pot of stew isn't tipped all over you. Whilst you wait and chastise yourself you're just playing into his convenience aren't you ?



I could be wrong and this relationship isn't following that old pattern but these lines are quite dramatic. If one makes such a drastic shift in line 1, throwing everything out for the sake of new life, one would hope it would be worth it, it needs to be worth it but in line 4 it's not worth it. Indeed in line 4 one is likely to be made a fool of, disrespected, upsetting things that are fruitful and worth it for a person or situation that actually besmirches you or belittles what it was you were honouring to start with. Is he honouring this or is he just making phone calls at night when he wants to talk.
 
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Trojina

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It started just as I was separating from my husband


Another thought about the reading. It feels to me like 50.1 refers to your break up with your husband, it may do. It's a massive change and it has to be worth it as you said

I was often overwhelmed by my feelings for him, combined with the grief of leaving my husband, home and dog.


So you felt grief for that loss, you turned that situation upside down for the sake of something better but in line 4 you really haven't got something better.

I was wondering how separated you really were from your husband when this other man came along. I'm wondering if the new man is even worth anything ? I'm not asking expecting an answer it's just the reading does show overturning one thing for the sake of another and here that other just disrespecting you/being careless with you. If you had the termination because you sensed that is what he wanted, even if he didn't force you, then that's a pretty shitty way to treat you isn't it. I mean he says his kids are his priority yet you aren't allowed to have his kid also ? Okay it probably wasn't like that but it does sort of seem like it might say something about the relationship, unless you had decided you didn't want kids prior to that.
 

Trojina

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I should add it's not a prediction this isn't worth it it's more like if you've done line 1, which is a big deal, which may refer to this relationship or your marriage then it has to be worth the new life it makes for you. But in line 4 it's not worth it if you get hurt and humiliated.


For sure the reading gives me the impression you are a pretty strong and disciplined person. You are ready to make sacrifices for things, for a new life, I get that from 26 and line 1. It's not like you're a young silly girl who just goes where the fancy takes her, all this is serious for you and you are prepared to put in a lot of work, wait, develop self control and so on but if you are putting those qualities into service of relationship with him he must be worth it, he must honour your commitment. Line 4 is worrying because the meal is spilled and soils the prince and very often this line comes with a distinct feeling of not being honoured, being humiliated. That's why I stressed this is less about you not being jealous or being patient but making sure you feel he's really doing his bit too. If you wait for August in the hope he'll give more time together you could end up hurt so have a closer look at his behaviour, not what he says but what he does and think about whether your work in this relationship is being honoured.


In the 1-8 thing above I wasn't meaning to say your relationship is like all those others just that's it's very typical that when one sees the man pulling back or not committing one sees the woman self castigating for her expressing her needs, whether that manifests as jealousy or anger (she's likely been taught her needs are secondary) she often doesn't seem to look at his behaviour preferring to blame herself.


Realising I've neglected the actual question of

I asked what purpose the continuing pause between us might serve. Yi said 50 1.4 to 26.

As a direct answer the pause can serve either as a clearing out of debris to start afresh, as you have said, in line one OR something that ends up as harmful to you in line 4, something that leaves you with less confidence. Or it could be both, you have this pause to refresh things and then it goes wrong for you.

'The Vessel with upended feet.
Fruitful to get the blockage out.
Taking a concubine for her child,
Not a mistake.'
'The vessel's legs break off,
The prince's stew is upset,
Dignity soiled.
Pitfall.'

(from Hilary's translation)



The vessel is tipped up is one thing but then the vessel's legs break off. What is the vessel ? The relationship itself I guess, the one you have nurtured (26) so there is a need for some vigilance here.
 
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rosada

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I'm just rifting on what you have told us, may or may not be of use. I think of 50.1 is saying you two had a strong sexual attracion to begin with and although the relationship didn't "have a leg to stand on" you didn't /couldn't stop the magnetic pull. 50.4 could be referring to the energies between you not being able to rise to the higher chakras. Like is your friend someone who has lived much of his adult life following his obligations rather than his heart? Maybe what has stalled out your friendship is that he needs to sort those issues through. Interesting how if you two had had a child together he would have felt an obligation to stay in the relationship but now it's like his fate is he's not "allowed" to do things out of obligation, - he can't claim he is obligated to be with you, he has to make a conscious decision.
I vote you tell him something to the effect that he should take all the time he needs to figure out what HE needs to do and meanwhile you care but you consider him a married man and you don't date married men.
26. Is about pulling the energy up to the crown chakra by not expressing it at the lower chakras.
 
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Albatross

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You wanted to cook a very good meal. And you did. But now it is time to move on. Sure you are a "pretty strong and disciplined person" like Trojina said. And you have to make a decision.

I think this situation "We had another argument a few weeks ago in which I aired some insecurity about his ex, and he aired his anger about my jealousy about her and since then it feels like we’re even more 'on hold'" showed his true colors. "The prince's meal is spilled" (Ln. 4) This new situation if you decide to wait for a new fresh start will become in "baggage" for the relation You have to tame (26) the situation to understand what you really want. May be there is some kind of projective mechanism working here, while I talk. But I feel that this situation of blaming will repeat, and you will feel insecure about if it your fault.
 
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rosada

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I have never considered myself a jealous person but after reading your post I realized my decision to toss out my husband's perfectly good set of dishes was based on the fact it came from his former marriage - to a woman he divorsed ten years ago and hasn't seen since, doesn't even know where she is now! Wow, jealousy is a weird thing. It's not like you choose to be jealous, you just are. What's the solution? I guess to be aware of it but to not act on it. I'm still pitching the old china but now only because we don't need it, not because she choose it - so I guess that's taking the energy up a chakra!
 

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