Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
I’ve been completely alone for 2.5 years - some of this is due to moving a lot. In every single one of these places (i.e., several different countries), men loudly and clearly let me know how hideous I am, sometimes with words, but usually expressions of disgust: animal noises, blowing raspberries, vomiting noises, ew/ick.
It amazes me, how primal disgust is, i.e., all of the sounds are the same, on several continents. It happens every day, and I almost don’t want to leave the house. I try to protect myself when I remember, with headphones, turning away when I see a man, trying not to talk to men whenever possible, and so on. It breaks my heart, frankly, to be considered by so many people.
I guess it also stings because when I was very young, I was considered as “pretty” as I am ugly now, and hated that, too. (Be careful what you wish for, though I don’t remember wishing I was ugly.) In the mirror I see normal facial aging/slackening, I guess, and sadly I guess I look more like my father than mother now, when the inverse used to be true. I’m not even “old,” though I guess not particularly nubile, and quite skinny though no more so than I’ve ever been. In fact, being well into adulthood makes all of this even more bizarre and painful; instead of a group of schoolmates it seems literally to be the whole world.
Anyway, it’s really been breaking me down. I should be used to it by now, but it’s a devastating thing to hear almost daily for several years, everywhere. I’ve not only given up any hope on ever finding love, I feel like my face is actually offensive to others. We don’t live in a society, unfortunately, where I can cover my face (although I think I receive a little less harassment in winter, when I wear a long and heavy coat) and I don’t understand why so many men hate women so much, as if I’m capable of polluting their walk down the street, or wherever, especially since few of them are oil paintings.
So I let the I Ching answer my question: “Why am I so ugly?” in whatever way it wanted to and received 46.2.3.6, changing to 23.
Hexagram 46 seems to tell me just to get on with things, to do whatever I want. (Or, maybe, that the ugliness will progress.)
Line 2 says that I can find my aim with modest resources: maybe this means that I don’t have to be pretty?
Line 3 seems to suggest that this is a slightly meaningless - or at least directionless - question.
Line 6 very clearly suggests taking caution, which makes sense: strangers seem to be almost violent towards me, knocking me aside, walking into me, etc.
Hexagram 23 seems, again, to tell me to stop thinking about it, or perhaps that I’m ugly because there are too many disjoint elements (mental, physical, I don’t know).
Sorry if this seems like a vain question. I’ve long been a lurker on this board and think if someone received daily global harassment for some other reason, they’d get a bit of warmth, maybe.
I’ve been completely alone for 2.5 years - some of this is due to moving a lot. In every single one of these places (i.e., several different countries), men loudly and clearly let me know how hideous I am, sometimes with words, but usually expressions of disgust: animal noises, blowing raspberries, vomiting noises, ew/ick.
It amazes me, how primal disgust is, i.e., all of the sounds are the same, on several continents. It happens every day, and I almost don’t want to leave the house. I try to protect myself when I remember, with headphones, turning away when I see a man, trying not to talk to men whenever possible, and so on. It breaks my heart, frankly, to be considered by so many people.
I guess it also stings because when I was very young, I was considered as “pretty” as I am ugly now, and hated that, too. (Be careful what you wish for, though I don’t remember wishing I was ugly.) In the mirror I see normal facial aging/slackening, I guess, and sadly I guess I look more like my father than mother now, when the inverse used to be true. I’m not even “old,” though I guess not particularly nubile, and quite skinny though no more so than I’ve ever been. In fact, being well into adulthood makes all of this even more bizarre and painful; instead of a group of schoolmates it seems literally to be the whole world.
Anyway, it’s really been breaking me down. I should be used to it by now, but it’s a devastating thing to hear almost daily for several years, everywhere. I’ve not only given up any hope on ever finding love, I feel like my face is actually offensive to others. We don’t live in a society, unfortunately, where I can cover my face (although I think I receive a little less harassment in winter, when I wear a long and heavy coat) and I don’t understand why so many men hate women so much, as if I’m capable of polluting their walk down the street, or wherever, especially since few of them are oil paintings.
So I let the I Ching answer my question: “Why am I so ugly?” in whatever way it wanted to and received 46.2.3.6, changing to 23.
Hexagram 46 seems to tell me just to get on with things, to do whatever I want. (Or, maybe, that the ugliness will progress.)
Line 2 says that I can find my aim with modest resources: maybe this means that I don’t have to be pretty?
Line 3 seems to suggest that this is a slightly meaningless - or at least directionless - question.
Line 6 very clearly suggests taking caution, which makes sense: strangers seem to be almost violent towards me, knocking me aside, walking into me, etc.
Hexagram 23 seems, again, to tell me to stop thinking about it, or perhaps that I’m ugly because there are too many disjoint elements (mental, physical, I don’t know).
Sorry if this seems like a vain question. I’ve long been a lurker on this board and think if someone received daily global harassment for some other reason, they’d get a bit of warmth, maybe.
Thanks. I hope to hear from you.
Thanks again for your notes!
liquidity, thankfully I live in one of the world’s foremost therapy cities and have just started to see someone who has been so far very helpful to me. We’ve been doing a lot of cognitive exercises, and perhaps also to moss elk’s point, to observe very clearly when these things are happening. This week I’ve been taking a slightly “experimental” approach, and have not been harassed very much as far as I can tell. Things that help are “dressing my age” (i.e., not sloppily), walking with a good posture and looking up and away instead of down and away if I *really* don’t want to make eye contact with someone. Having more positive thoughts than last week (i.e., not feeling as depressed) has helped as well - and, separately, having a greater sense of purpose with my work and the time spent in this city - but the most important is a kind of thought exercise, that the world is really like a vast sea in which many things are happening. Events have the meaning one assigns to them. I’m not ugly (because, frankly, no one is *that* ugly); they’re products of a fundamentally broken global society.
I must, however, disagree respectfully with the expression of this sovereignty, i.e., to smile at the perpetrator: this kind of advice has often been given especially in the Protestant world, and especially to women (especially-especially to lower-status women), to turn the other cheek and to maintain one’s dignity by smiling at the abuser. That is not, to me, giving freely. It would be unnatural to smile at misogyny, patriarchy and hate, as well as a violation of one’s own sovereignty. When I feel good I walk away (or if they say/do something really egregious, dumbfound them with something amusing) and pocket my smile.
Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).