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Will it turn right again between him and me? Hex. 41

femke

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Hello everybody

I am new to this community and am looking forward to visit it regularly. At the time, I have a burning question that I would very much like your experience and opinion about.
My new boyfriend just broke up with me. We used to be friends, but fell in love. Since he is going through huge emotional changes (just started therapy), he wanted to take things slowly. But I couldn't stand waiting anymore, after 8 weeks. That's when he agreed to have a relationship. The I Ching gave 2.3,6, so positive but a warning. Foolishly, I started acting out my suppressed anger and frustration at this point by putting a lot of pressure on him and demanding instant fulfillment of all my wishes, threatening to break up otherwise. A power struggle, as predicted. That's when he decided that he would never be able to meet my expectations.
I have a lot of regret. First of all, because the I Ching on former instances has always been extremely positive about our relationship (hex. 1.2,5; hex.1.5). I have asked the I Ching how things would have worked out if I had controlled myself a bit longer: hex. 34.4,6. So: wonderfully. Then I asked if it would ever turn right again between him and me (meaning romantically). I got 41 without moving lines. I understand the basic thought, but am confused about how (not) to act towards him. Whether to be specific about my faults (4th line) which is my impulse, or to suppress this impulse as it states in the Image. And, to be honest, I wonder if there's still a chance that it will work out.

Your reaction would be greatly appreciated!
 

luz

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Hi Femke,

It's nice to see somebody being so aware and so honest about their mistakes.
The sad thing about it is that, in my experience, we always tend to do repeat the same mistakes, no matter how many chances we get. So I think the first step would be to try to ensure that when and if you rekindle the romance with your friend you will have the right attitude.

First off, I'd say you need to decrease the expectations that you have from a relationship, be it with him or with anyone else. Expecting to have your wishes fulfilled is not realistic. Loving a person and spending time with this person because you love doing so should be the best reward you can have. Later on, it might be that you find all your wishes fulfilled. Or, even better, you will eventually realize that those wishes are outdated.
I understand that the 'Decrease' hexagram 41 has to do with reducing your selfishness, your pride and, I would say that in this case, your expectations. You have a pretty good idea of what this guy has to offer to you. Dont' try to make him what he's not and just try to decide if this is what you want.
Once you decide this, you can go about the business of winning him back in a nice, gentle and unselfish way. If he's interested, it should work out.
 

frank

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Hi Femke

I wander if you are the Femke from Harmen Mesker's I Ching Meet Up Group, 'cause I'm Frank from that same group. Perhaps we could mail privatly trough the site of the Meet Up Group?

In the meanwhile, I wished that everything would be going alright between your boyfriend and you. It's hard to get a good balance between friendship and being a lover, I know :-D... 'cause I'm in the middle of it too, but then towards the other side.. (I want to love, she wants only friendship, but still real and intens, in a sence of calling, mailing, meeting). The last answer the Yi gave me because of a certain situation was 40, line 4... Loosen up the emotions and thoughts and try to wait what the situation holds for itself... Reading this and looking to Hexagram 41, which comes after 40, I could say that 'liberated' from expectations (40), you could try to deal with a period wich lookes less then it was (41), but because you do not have expectations, you have left energy to deal with the situation as it comes, and then the decrease comes (42)... I do not know if you are in the posetion of Wings' I Ching Workbook, but in the dutch version I have she writes perfect sences for Hexagrams with no changing lines. Perhaps that texts could be of some help.

I do not have any idea if this is helpfull to you what so ever, but I do wish you all the luck with it.

Hug,
Frank
 

femke

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Hi, thank you for your kind and clear answers.
I've been reconsidering my point of view on having a relationship with this person, and couldn't really determine whether I set my expectations too high (which is surely the case), or that he is just not the person for me (which might be the case). He's quite unsteady, but then, who isn't in some way.
I asked I Ching which action towards him on my side would be favourable, got 33 with moving lines 1 and 4. I guess that's quite clear: I should withdraw from him at this point, while I still can.
And just now I asked (to the example of one of the readings here) what he thinks of me, I got 64 with lines 1 and 6. So: both overenthousiastic and idle, thinking you've reached your goal when you haven't really yet.. It sucks, really. I would prefer to skip these times of "wise lessons". But then, the only way to do that in the long run I guess is going right though them when they come up.
Anyway, thank you.
 
S

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I've had a year of "wise lessons", so I sympathize, but I can also tell you it is worth it, if you take the time to actually learn the lesson. I kept repeating the same mistake over and over with someone I really wanted to be with. There were a lot of things working against us, but in the end, I messed it up by refusing to learn and repeating the same patterns. Patience may be a virtue, but it is one of the hardest to cultivate.

33.1.4 does say retreat from the situation, there is nothing you can do at this point to fix it. But it leads to 37 which is about setting up rules and boundaries. All relationships are about give and take, and respecting the other persons needs. Perhaps in the future you will get a second chance to show him you can do that, or maybe another relationship will come along where you can apply this lesson. Going through all of this sucks, no two ways about it, but as one who has been there very recently, I promise you you will be better for this, and your next relationship, whether a second chance with your guy or someone new, will be stronger and healthier, as long as you take the lesson to heart. In the meantime, try to keep busy and give yourself something else to think about. Distract yourself from the pain and try to learn as much about you as possible. And if you need to talk, vent, cry or scream, there are a lot of shoulders and ears available here.
 

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