Dear Friends

It has taken me a good many years to admit to myself that I want to become a father. Now, at last, at the age of 49 (!) I am in a relationship where this is a possibility (it was not possible in previous relationships for various reasons). As my girlfriend and I discuss the subject and as it comes closer - there is no hurry on her part, she is 35 and has a 10 year old daughter already - I find myself becoming apprehensive, asking myself "can I cope?" "is it realistic?" "is it too late?" and so on.
Friends are encouraging, they smile knowingly and say "if anyone should be a father, it's you" and "you will be a great Dad" - all of which is lovely, and yet I am still a little afraid.
So today I asked Yi "Why am I afraid of becoming a parent" and got 6 > 35 which, despite reading other's threads and trying to extrapolate them to my situation, I find difficult to understand.

If anyone can shed a little light on this I would be grateful.
All the best

Joe

smiling with the presence of "becoming" in your Q and 35 in your A.

maybe because you "need" a kind of affirmation that you are going to be a good father and won't make big mistakes, to be on the right side of the "conflict". I'm seeing that because in 6 is embeded a lot the feeling of being right.

I believe you already know the "truth" as someone half jokingly said to a woman asking a similar question. She kind of wanted to be sure that she won't make the same mistakes her parents did. What she heard for an answer was : "don't worry, you are going to make some of them, avoid some others and made New one !!! " Trying to be the Gong of 6.5 , i guess, its the best you can do.

Thanks anemos - I think yes, that my fear is partly the "can I do it right" kind - and there's something else even more pressing, the "is it too late, am I deluding myself?" fear.... well, well.
Thanks again

Seems you are (6) conflicted about an (35) advancement to fatherhood.

Line 2: withdraw :from this conflict (of doubting yourself)
You are not up to the task. In fact, no one is up to the task of wrestling with self doubt.
The wrestling matched itself is a loss. Like pulling hard to get out of chinese finger cuffs, straining against worry. I think every potential parent goes through this. I know I did. The only way to prevail is to stop.
I did not feel confident in myself, I felt overwhelmed and worried I wouldn't be a good parent.
But it is exactly this concern that makes one roll up their sleeves and do what needs to be done to be a good parent. Self reflecting every day "am I doing right here for the child? "What is the best I can do today?" ...etc

Line 5: You can be the just and impartial judge of this matter. Use your own wisdom and discernment.
Weigh everything, the comments from your friends saying you'll make a great dad (people say that for a reason), your own enthusiasm about it, is she a good mom...etc

And let us know down the road what decide.

Only skimmed the thread but with 6.2 do you really want to be a father ? Unless you do give up and go home as 6.2 suggest.

Sorry I think there is a possibility that you don't need or want to do fatherhood at all.


it's not necessary as the world is already over populated so I don't think anyone needs to have kids do they ?

I'm afraid I would take the 6.2 at it's word....maybe you aren't up to this....so don't do it.

6.5 at least suggests the idea is worth scrutinising. I don't understand why anyone does it just because they think they should.

If you have doubts don't do it is my view. And yes 49 is pretty old to have kids .......


No offence intended here I just don't see why you need to have them if you don't really want them and looking at 6.2 I don't know if you do.

JoeCampbell said:

Dear Friends

It has taken me a good many years to admit to myself that I want to become a father. Now, at last, at the age of 49 (!) I am in a relationship where this is a possibility (it was not possible in previous relationships for various reasons). As my girlfriend and I discuss the subject and as it comes closer - there is no hurry on her part, she is 35 and has a 10 year old daughter already - I find myself becoming apprehensive, asking myself "can I cope?" "is it realistic?" "is it too late?" and so on.
Friends are encouraging, they smile knowingly and say "if anyone should be a father, it's you" and "you will be a great Dad" - all of which is lovely, and yet I am still a little afraid.
So today I asked Yi "Why am I afraid of becoming a parent" and got 6 > 35 which, despite reading other's threads and trying to extrapolate them to my situation, I find difficult to understand.

If anyone can shed a little light on this I would be grateful.
All the best

Joe

Click to expand...

continuing with what I feel will be an unpopular viewpoint...since I feel the reading could well be saying 'don't bother'...it really is irrelevant what your friends think about you a s a father. If you have doubts don't do it.

If you really want to then do it...although babies don't just come to order anyway.


Why should you have to justify to yourself or anyone else why you don't want kids. It's a perfectly valid option to choose not to have them. I'm not convinced by the way you write that you do want them.

If you are afraid of having kids it is for a reason. It's not like the world desperately needs more kids is it so it's not an altruistic or helpful act...the way a lot of parents make out.

Having said all that the 35 makes me think you have plenty of fine sperm available !

Well you know 35 is about matinghorses and using opportunities.

I didn't mean to dampen your enthusiasm if you are sure you want a baby....But do be careful not to succumb to pressure. There is still all this pressure that everyone meant to want and have kids..

Also I can't overlook that 'go home to where your people are' message in 6.2. You need to be where you are accepted for what you are...not some shining ideal of what a father is meant to be.

There are plenty of ways to give fatherly love in the world without having to actually have a child.

And actually once people do have small children they pretty much don't have a lot else to give to anyone else. That can be dull.


There is a conflict here you can't win. That's what 6.2 says. You are trying to make yourself not fear and want a child. I really think you need to feel free to let that go.

Very good points Trojan.

Since his question was specifically about his fears,
That's how i addressed it.

Joe, have you asked more general questions about the subject like:
Would it be good for us to have a child?
Are we up to the task? ...etc.

JoeCampbell said:

Thanks anemos - I think yes, that my fear is partly the "can I do it right" kind - and there's something else even more pressing, the "is it too late, am I deluding myself?" fear.... well, well.
Thanks again

Click to expand...

yes, Can understand that and your concerns are thoughtful. Its a very delicate thing and there is not an answer imo. I would ask that specific question yet I would expect form Yi some more hints to think more about that conflict. I wouldn't expect a Yes or No.