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Thread: 17.3.4.5 to 36 love question

  1. #21
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    Thank you, equinox. I realized that it is not so much that I don't trust *him* -- he has a good heart -- I don't trust that he feels any real romantic spark for me. I worry that he only feels pity and casual friendship and occasional passing physical attraction for me, and then I will be treated accordingly -- not because of his character, but simply because that's the way it is; we can't treat someone at a certain level if we just don't see them as having that intimate role in our lives. But I feel deeply for him. I am going to try to let go and not consult the Yi and do my best to occupy myself with creative things.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by thisworldcompany View Post
    Thank you, equinox. I realized that it is not so much that I don't trust *him* -- he has a good heart -- I don't trust that he feels any real romantic spark for me. I worry that he only feels pity and casual friendship and occasional passing physical attraction for me, and then I will be treated accordingly -- not because of his character, but simply because that's the way it is; we can't treat someone at a certain level if we just don't see them as having that intimate role in our lives. But I feel deeply for him. I am going to try to let go and not consult the Yi and do my best to occupy myself with creative things.
    Your results in my opinion show that there is kind of a significant connection between you, but they don't reveal if this is the 'romantic spark' that you are wishing for. In a way this all reminds me of myself when I was younger and head over heels in love with a guy who wasn't sure about us and behaved the way you describe. Nobody could do this to me anymore, that's the lesson you can learn from such stories and that's a good thing eventually.

    It took me three (!) years to stop loving him and after our weird 'relationship' eneded, we terminated our contact for around one year and after we got back in touch the tide turned completely.
    Now he was the one after me, but in between I was in no longer interested in him romantically, I could not even really understand anymore why I was so eager to be with him back then.

    After he realisized that there was no chance for him to get me back, we still decided to be friends, because we had and still have this strong connection. Until now we are very close friends and I love him, but in another way than before.

    Long story cut short: The horse came back on it's own accord after I stopped chasing it, but ironically I didn't want it anymore then. The strong feeling is still there, but transformed.

    Also I believe that he started to really want me because I grew more confident and had no problem to say 'no' and to put my own needs over his. I think even though he loved me, I was simply boring for him when I was so dependent on him. It seems to be like a law of nature that you need some friction to produce 'sparks' I guess.

    Btw, generally spoken now: someone may have a good heart, okay, but if they are informed about the depth of the feelings of their counterpart and don't share them and still want sex occasionally, then this is an tremendously egoistic act.
    Last edited by equinox; January 19th, 2018 at 09:16 PM.

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    thisworldcompany (February 9th, 2018)

  4. #23
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    equinox, what you're saying about friction and sparks makes a lot of sense. And I'm very worried about the possibility that the whole thing was an egoistic act like what you mention at the end of your post.

    Things are still very confusing. I came back to the Yi and asked two questions -- What does he need from me? and How should I approach him?

    For the first, I received 19.1 to 7, and at first for the second, I initially received 2.1 to 24, but I was so confused by the different ways I could read this one that I asked for a clarification to help me and received 53.5 to 52.

    I wonder if the 19.1 is matching up with the earlier talk in this thread about him being immature, and maybe with my dream about him needing me to drive the car. The other two, I'm not sure if they're just telling me to wait for things to develop with him or if they're telling me to wait for something else... obviously I'm more inclined to hope for the former.

  5. #24
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    equinox, your point about needing friction to produce sparks was right on the money -- he and I have been having a weird dance, lots of confusing conversations. Sometimes he says he's open to anything with me, sometimes he says he just feels friendship with me and there isn't a spark or an "ineffable chemistry" ("you don't drop a bomb on my life"). He always sits across the room from me and just watches tv and monologues about politics, so it seems like he is not even wanting sparks to happen. Chemistry is already hard enough for me so this is incredibly painful to hear; I already have a history of very deep emotional pain regarding sex and intimacy. It doesn't feel possible for me to experience anything positive with someone -- the only time I ever really did was with him, but it apparently didn't even register as anything notable or "sparky" to him -- and I just shut down. I asked the Yi if it were even possible to still have this chemistry with him and received 45.5, which seems good?

  6. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by thisworldcompany View Post
    Now he is with someone else but talks to me constantly. So tonight I threw up my hands and simply asked, "What is the most important thing for me to know in this situation?" I received 17.3.4.5 changing into 36
    Hi,
    There are times when Yi is very deep, and times when it isn't what you'd call on the same wavelength as the depth of our feelings or thoughts for someone.
    When I first saw this answer, I immediately thought of Cyrano de Bergerac. 17>(36) A Secret Following It almost seemed like a snarky response, but I think Yi wanted you to focus on the fact that it wasn't a fully engaged relationship, more like you were his sounding board for conversation while he was in a relationship! None of these readings (not to mention your description of a luke warm, meh, interaction with him.) seem good to me for a relationship.

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  8. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by thisworldcompany View Post
    I asked the Yi if it were even possible to still have this chemistry with him and received 45.5, which seems good?
    He seems to have trust issues, he doesn't recognise the position you have in his life -- he keeps refusing you but the same time is coming back again and again. He doesn't seem to be a very strong person -- at least not in these times.
    Part of this game is your own fault, because you allow him to do this. He will never treat you appropriate as long as you don't treat yourself as well as you deserve it.

    You wrote that you have already "a history of very deep emotional pain regarding sex and intimacy. It doesn't feel possible for me to experience anything positive with someone"

    Pardon me getting psychologial and of course you don't have to answer on my question here -- but is it possible that you still fight with that refusal you experienced, trying to restage the situation, engaging again in a situation where you find yourself constantly refused, because you hope that this time it will play out in your favour and your "trauma" will be finally healed? I think it would be important for you to learn again that it is not impossible to experience something positive, it is not even just possible -- a positive situation, mutuality, should be the normal state and it definitely will be like that if you really want and start to understand that you deserve it.

    I think you are a person full of love and willingness to commit and am really sure that there is a person out there who values your soul as they should. But you also have to value your soul as you should. Realise that this is what you deserve and nothing less. Certainly nobody deserves or should accept a situation where they are told "you don't throw a bomb on my life".

    I believe that you can only change this situation with this guy we are talking about if you manage to learn to set healthy boundaries. I am sure it would change the dynamics between the two of you tremendously. The other question is if you still want him then.
    Last edited by equinox; April 2nd, 2018 at 10:37 AM.
    Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic -- Frida Kahlo

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  10. #27
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    A few weeks ago I had told him I couldn't just be his friend if he wasn't willing to meet me halfway and try, and he said he was open to that, but then he carried on as usual, as if nothing happened. So we haven't spoken to each other since, five days, which is the longest we've gone without contact this year. I have thought a lot about what you're saying here, equinox, and I've asked the Yi too many questions about boundaries and changing the dynamic and etc. I took so many notes but just got confused, as I usually do. So today I asked for a general diagnosis and received 33 all changing lines to 19. Which could be that the only way to advance in my life is just to give up and retreat, or that this time of retreat is shifting entirely and there will be an approach.

  11. #28
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    Every line of 33 changed, wow.
    The thing is, he won't let you easily, you will have to be very firm in setting boundaries. But I think there is no other way for you if you want to find back to your autonomy, be it with or without him. Respect yourself, your own needs and wishes, and he will start to respect you too. And if not, then he shouldn't be an integral part of your life anyways.
    I wish you all the best of luck.
    Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic -- Frida Kahlo

  12. #29
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    I did hear back from him, and eventually saw him again, but I ruined it. I kept arguing with him over why he should give me a chance, and he dug his heels in, refused me, and told me I was embarrassing myself. I didn't play it right at all, I always do the exact wrong thing because it's all too painful to manage, never really getting to have that time with someone you feel deeply for and who doesn't feel anything for you at all, because then you can't really express it, it isn't heard or received.

    I asked the Yi two questions about him -- what is his position towards me and then, crying and asking the sort of lamenting non-question question I usually try to avoid asking, which was "why doesn't want me" -- both times I got 55.2.6 to 14, which I don't understand at all. I can't think anymore.

    Thank you equinox. I wish I could have set boundaries and done this right instead of just seeming like a pushy desperate mess.

  13. #30
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    Oh wow, the "attains the opposite of what he strives for" / "striving for too much one loses the greatest treasure" element of 55.6 definitely is my problem. That is exactly how I feel.

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