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angelpnw

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New member, but longtime reader of the posts here. I'm in a situation that, honestly, just requires that I wait, but I would like your perspectives, as I'm unable to discuss this with anyone in my real life.I'm 44, overweight, and the solo mom of a 10yo son. He was my 3rd pregnancy, but the only one that survived my womb, though he nearly died in childbirth (off topic, maybe, the person I'm named after, the original angel, died giving birth to my father). I grew up in foster care, mom was an addict who I recently watched die with AIDS, and my father was never around. They were 16 & 17 when I was born, and I was their second baby. I yearn for love and connection in a way most don't understand, but have had beautiful, life-altering love from total strangers and chosen family. After my second miscarriage, I was told that though I clearly could get pregnant, I wasn't able to carry a child to term. I accepted it, and looked forward to fostering and adopting. During my foster parent training, I met a guy, and decided I didn't want to be a single mom. I worked as an educator, and my maternal needs were daily met. Then I got pregnant. I immediately bought a book on surviving miscarriage, wanting tips on avoiding the emotional distress that nearly killed me during my previous experiences. But my son survived. I grew tumors twice his size that I still have, and he nearly suffocated during birth, but was taken by emergency cesarean 7 weeks early and has been healthy. I delivered alone, and though many friends came during the 10 days my son was in the NICU, his father came only once, and hasn't been in his life at all.Fast forward to now. Because I have no family that's close or even nearby, I worry about my son once I'm gone. I've been craving a baby to give him real family, while also wanting a do-over birth experience, which was traumatic on multiple levels. I met a guy recently and shared that desire, and he said he wanted to give me my fairy tale. The first time we were together sexually - 5/3/17 - was outside my fertility window, so I didn't think I could conceive. Since then, tho, I've had extreme fatigue and dizziness, metal mouth taste, and other symptoms associated with conception. When I told him, he kinda laughed it off. Then he said "Why would you want another baby with someone who doesn't want one with you?" Humiliated and hurt beyond words, I agreed to abort if I'm pregnant, wanting no repeats of what I've been thru, while simultaneously knowing I'm far too sensitive and emotional to survive an abortion. I decided to ditch him, and keep the baby, if I'm even pregnant (I can't test for a few more days because it's too soon). Still with me? The other issue important point is that I'm 44. Healthy, but overweight. And my womb and abdomen are filled with active and calcified fibroid tumors, one the size of a six month fetus. Pregnancy will necessary be high-risk due to those factors, so aborting may be medically necessary. I think I could handle that more than killing a viable pregnancy for lack of convenience. I have to wait before I can test at home, but will go to the ER if I have another dizzy spell, one of which nearly made me fall down my stairs.Here's what I've asked:Am I pregnant: 42.2.5/41Pregnancy's affect on my health: 55.3/51His response if I have the baby: 38.2.4.5.6/3Will I miscarry: 46Abort (dad), keep baby: 15.3/2Have abortion: 52.1/22If I keep it, effect on my life: 2How the baby would fare in my womb: 45I'm most confused by how to interpret the 46 in this context, and would like to prepare myself for whatever is coming. I *feel* pregnant, and I also knew instantly with my surviving son. If you have personal judgments about me or my desires, I promise you I've heard them before and repeatedly. I simply want help understanding what may be coming, and how to best prepare. Thanks.
 

moss elk

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Hi,
Welcome to Clarity.

I'll try to start things off,
First by saying that the seriousness of the troubled past, your health concerns, the inconsiderate man, and the seriousness of the topic of pregnancy/abortion must feel overwhelming, and also that it is probably overwhelming for readers here to address.

So, instead of grouping everything (past/present/future) together into a giant unmanageable problem, let's try to focus on one thing at a time. Doing this makes things manageable. (and bearable)

I'll start by sharing my experience of 42.2.5 (41).
When I received this, it was
a situation that didn't go anywhere.
Someone offered me an opportunity (line 2) , it was a kindness for me agree to it (line 5), but it didn't go anywhere (41). I cannot say that it was something that actually started and then fell apart It was esssentially a coming together, and a day of talking and interacting and an immediate ending. I cannot equate it with a miscarriage (it was only 36 hours and not much was invested into it) So, my initial thought is that this answer may be referring to the 'relationship' between you and the man.

Maybe others will offer their insight on the other readings.
 
D

diamanda

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Hi angelpnw,

Very sorry to hear about your serious and prolonged hardship. Here's my take on your readings:

Am I pregnant 42.2.5 > 41
I think you might initially be, but your body naturally aborts at an early stage.

Pregnancy's affect on my health 55.3 > 51
Your "right arm" breaks. Falopian tube/ovary problems maybe? But nothing too serious.

His response if I have the baby 38.2.4.5.6 > 3
He'll initially try to be friendly, will become very confused, pull away to ask for advice, it'll all be chaotic.
So my suggestion would be don't discuss anything with him till you know what's going on with the pregnancy.

Will I miscarry 46 unchanging
In my readings, in yes/no questions, 46 comes up as 'yes'... very sorry to say this.
With the added 'footnote' that you'll get over this just fine, for sure.

Abort (dad), keep baby: 15.3 > 2
Given the answers before, I believe there will be a conclusion, so you won't have to actively abort either.

Have abortion: 52.1 > 22
Calm down your toes and don't take a step. I believe you won't have to.

If I keep it, effect on my life: 2 unchanging
2 is empty, so again this reinforces the idea that the pregnancy chooses to not proceed.

How the baby would fare in my womb: 45 unchanging
There's a great collection of fibroids as you said, and this, I believe, would be a serious factor.
45 advises to "see the great man" (doctor) and "renew your weapons to meet the unforeseen".
If you do strongly want another child, I think you should sort out this issue first.

All in all I believe this whole matter will turn out much easier than you think.
And I believe that the overall advice is to concentrate on sorting out any health issues first, before trying again.
Wishing you all the best :)
 

angelpnw

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Almost immediately after posting, I thought "what did I just do?!", and tried to delete it, realizing it was way too much. When I couldn't, I accepted that - like many things where I've horrifically misjudged the appropriate intimacy boundary - maybe I'll be humiliated for a sec, but someone will see me through it. Thanks to both of you for even trying when I know, as Moss Elk said, it's a lot for people to figure out/tackle. My deepest gratitude for your gentleness, and apologies for those possibly offended... Diamanda, I think/hope your interpretation is correct. Doctors have wanted to give me a hysterectomy since I gave birth, but I've refused, and treated them naturally. I was able to shrink many, and others calcified, making them like rock inside me. I obviously need to address this, but not because I will try for a baby, which isn't my deepest goal. Helping other unwanted kids feel like there are people who care is more important, and this ordeal has brought that into focus. I will mother again. And again and again, I hope, by becoming a foster parent. With regard to the 42 to 41, I read that people who get pregnant that late in their cycle (I was 9 days from my period start date), typically have pregnancies that don't implant, due to something about luteal phases. So I'm thinking that's what will happen.One of the things that helped me survive an objectively horrible upbringing was this thing I did of writing "future flashbacks". I'd imagine the resolved, healthy, happy future me, and "listen" for how she'd gotten past whatever I was currently facing, and write down her words. In that spirit, I asked where I'd be with this a year from now, and it was 11 uc. So I'm choosing to borrow that peace now, and trust that this will end in a way I can manage. The earliest I can be seen by a doctor is July (!!!), unless I go to an emergency room, so I'm expecting it will resolve well before. I will update if and when I can. Again, my deepest gratitude to you both.
 

angelpnw

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I have started to miscarry. I had pain on my right side all weekend, then cramping in my abdomen all night, and now the visible signs that it's ended/ending. I'll get to the hospital to confirm it's all clear, but I feel it will be fine. Thanks again. This was quite an experience.
 

angelatlantis14

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Hi angelpnw,

so sorry to hear about your loss. I know its easy t o say "probably it was for the best" but even it should be so, will not lessen the pain and sense of loss...
So I wish you all the best for the time coming forward.
On a side note, Diamandas interpretation of your readings was almost eerily correct, so you seem to havbe a good "connection" to whatever provides the answers to I ching divinations (the universe, your unconscious, higher self...)
So this might be the start of a self-finding exploration for you, once the initial shock and grieving is past you.

best wishes

maui
 

moss elk

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angelpnw,
take care of yourself and your son.
He needs you.

All the best to you.
 
D

diamanda

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Being a foster parent to unwanted children is such a beautiful plan!
Good luck with it all angelpnw, I'm keeping fingers crossed that your life will be calmer and happier soon.
:)
 

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