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suggestions help me not get bogged down when i need to feel sad/process? 58.2.4 to 3

EmMacha

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Strange few days; I am rushing, panicking to get some college stuff finished. Every time I sit down to it, i either get distracted by the information, i research too deep, Or I cannot just write it. Or I write it, and it does not seem to be relevant! (even though I am the only one on the team with startup experience. Right now I feel like I know nothing, and have done nothing, even though I have reams and reams, tables, loads of data!
It has stressed the team lead out no end, and then so much of what I have produced, she has just ignored, although it is relevant!

Anyway, many messages from Yi the last week about not being listened to right now (which is true in a lot of areas of my life...college, teenagers, conversations, it just feels like no-one is hearing when I am speaking sometimes) so I'm being quiet, to try to listen, or just leave space for other people to talk. (I'm a gemini, I can talk a lot!)

Today, clearing the whole day to do this work, these write-ups Yi 56.6 then 21.6 - burning the house down, then blinkers self punishment. this made me frightened! Like I was going to do something, or are doing something really really wrong, somehow I could really mess up! Or like, Oh I need to get out and about, see people; but I can't, I've got to get the college stuff done!

See I was feeling like; I have everything ready, I'm sitting in front of the laptop, and my head is going around about old stuff (I did see an ex-bf during the week & he emailed me, I emailed back, then nothing), and I realise "I'm blocked here, I am totally blocked! I could not even figure out what the emotional block is...just...reaching for the phone, refusing to do the work, that means I will then graduate this post grad course

It is just a few pages, a few different bits and the whole big report is done! But there are inaccuracies, that I can't gloss over, though the others in the team are fine about this. (not being listened to!)

Yes so I got some work done, but it took longer than I wished. then I got tired, felt v sad - that ex bf, it ended v abruptly, I was v sad for a long time, when he contacted me 3 years ago, I actually got that sad again for a week. I know crying, tears are good for the body, it cleanses, but this guy, I end up so sad!

I then started feeling angry towards a very dark person who was in my life at that time, and caused a lot of damage and hurt on levels I only felt after I got rid of her (when she put down my friends cat without her permission. And I started to feel sad and angry and also that "whatever, I'm gone, I'm giving up, I'm not bothering you" mixup of feelings towards another man that I have cared about a lot for a long time, but who is v terse with me and I am just after pulling back a lot. Other stuff piling up, that sense of anomie, meaninglessness; I was feeling like " I want to run away, just get some money together, run away to India or somewhere, Portugal maybe. I realise that it is the anniversary of a child I lost in 2 weeks, (she would be 13) I can often get down or angry, grief at this time.

I asked Yi, and I got 23uc

that often scares me, like an irrevocable break? Something is broken, or splits forever?

Anyway, I turned the laptop off, and I got food, sat in the garden for a bit.
Couldn't quite shift the bad mood. See i am annoyed that I can't just focus for these few days, I seem to be all needy and tired, and I would just like to be a focus machine for a few days, and then deal with the emotions.

So I asked Yi about this, and I got 5.3.6

Getting bogged down in the negativity, stuck in mud and vulnerable...but unexpected help in the pit.

But I was saying to Yi: If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I am sad that he turns up this week in the college, not next week when I have this done, then emails me "Did I see you on campus?", then doesn't reply to my email (last time, 3 years ago, when he contacted me, I waited a few days to email, this time I emailed back quicker, because I was thinking he looked great, and maybe enough time has passed for me, and I am open to meet up, open the friendship, maybe more. I was up and down with this for a day or so, and I was actually feeling romantic, hopeful, and yes "maybe I still have feelings for him" then like "Oh whatever" because he has not replied at all. And then of course I remembered things that perhaps I don't want, and maybe he is still there with all this "have we got a future? and romantic medieval harp dates, and then just disappear for a week into his Old Irish and Medieval Welsh, and "I've no motivation for the relationship" stuff? I only suggested meeting up for a coffee and a walk and maybe to chat about a myth connected to Neolithic monuments that I am tracing around Ireland (although it is about Aenghus and Caer, a love story, and they turn into swans)

Maybe a pit, because I am missing parties too, and going out seeing friends, to get all this college stuff done! But spending time instead looping on old emotional stuff, it just keeps arising, I am so tired of this part of myself!

I woke up this morning thinking that, there must be some block to success in me, from the past, the way I am looping like this. My confidence in this course and my ability has flagged a lot the last few months.

But seeing 5.3.6 ...

And i know I am feeling like, with the course over, I am going off a cliff, I don't know what I am going to do, and I cannot bear to just return to my part time self employment (psychic readings on a phone) and the house and kids... I need to have something else, that takes me out of the house, a project or a startup idea, or something with interaction and building, creating something...I have no big idea, or rather, I feel a sense of no purpose...
Perhaps the pressure right now has me wound up, emotions exacerbated?
I can see what Yi is saying "you are not being patient, the WAY will open"?

But I asked how do I feel things I might need to feel (like about the ex bf, important to remember the crazy 'in/out' stuff; or that I will be sad about the baby I lost, this time of year, always a few days of tears), without getting bogged down?

And I got Hexagram 58.2.3 to 3

Opening, hard to open?

Line 2

'True and confident opening, good fortune.
Regrets vanish.'


Line 4

'Negotiating opening, not yet at rest.
Containing the affliction brings rejoicing'


These lines seem to be opposites, leading to 3, difficult beginnings

Is it saying that I am containing myself too much, that's why I am not getting college done, that I have shut myself away too much?
(that's why the harsh messages this morning 56.6 and 21.6?)

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts?
(greatly appreciated)

 
D

diamanda

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Hi EmMacha,

Sounds like you're overworked and overstreched in all directions, hence it's natural to feel bogged down by everything. Also you being a Gemini, Mercury has been in various harsh aspects recently. I feel for you.

Today, clearing the whole day to do this work, these write-ups Yi 56.6 then 21.6
So you asked two questions, and one answer was 56.6 > 62, and the other 21.6 > 51?
What were the questions?

I asked Yi, and I got 23uc
What was your question?

So I asked Yi about this, and I got 5.3.6 > 19
What was your question?

how do I feel things I might need to feel without getting bogged down?
58.2.4 > 3

58.2 speaks about an equal exchange.
And 58.3 is about deliberating between good and bad choices, and feeling bad.
And this leads to chaos and confusion (3).
The various parts of the whole 'feelings' equation confuse you greatly.

How about try to deal with one thing at a time? Plan your time.
  • Finish essay now.
  • Then plan time to take a breather and maybe deal with the ex.
  • Then research the job market to see what you can do with your degree.
Step at a time :)
 

EmMacha

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Hi Diamanda

Yes I am over stretched all right. I left those hexa there without giving the questions. I think this is why i am maybe not getting listened to these days, people don't seem to understand what I am saying. I think it is a context thing, and I'm not giving the question, or context.

The Report for college is a document, a pre-startup analysis of the viability of an innovation. My team is working on a solar powered device that would enable smallholder farmers in Sub Saharan Africa to calculate fertiliser, optimum crop for their season, thus hopefully being able to make enough money, afford the fertiliser, and also over time restore degraded or poor soils. It involves market research, but I have gone quite in-depth, reading through many papers etc, to find stats, and understand the topic.

Today, clearing the whole day to do this work, these write-ups Yi 56.6 then 21.6
So you asked two questions, and one answer was 56.6 > 62, and the other 21.6 > 51?
What were the questions?
The first question was "Daily reading, i have cleared my time, cleaned my room, can I focus and get the sections of the report written? And manage to clock on and do some readings? I know I can do all this, but can I?"
(background, the last thing I WANTED to do was clock on today, but I haven't fulfilled my hours or earned enough money. It's just that some of the clients are very demanding, because it is tarot readings, they expect miracles and accurate predictions of things that the cards don't give answers to!)

The answer 56.6 > 62 confused me, and frightened me a little, because I was thinking "What is the strange territory? And could I somehow mess up my parts of the report? Is there something I could do that would cause a problem with an external examiner?"

So I went and cast again "How do I just focus on college? Focus, and not get distracted?"
And then i got 21.6 > 51 as an answer. In hindsight, I can see that Yi was telling me that I am not paying attention to my own creative process, how I naturally work, that is the stocks, or ears and eyes blinkered. But I couldn't see it then.

So I went off to have my breakfast, and went into the garden to meditate and absorb some sun. then I sat down to do the work, got one part done (stats for West and Sub Saharan Africa, % smallholder farmers). It was not easy and took longer than I expected, there is no data, or unreliable stats. I was feeling quite tired, and sad. I think the subject matter is difficult also; when you see numbers, that's one thing, but when you see heads of household ages beginning at 15, and realise that these people are living on so little, that there is high child mortality, starvation, no roads, no schools... well it can hit you hard too.

23uc?
I can't actually remember the question, but I had taken a break, and it was something about feeling weird about the ex, and feeling tired of men like that, that build something up and then just disappear. I have so many clients that ring me about someone ghosting them (men also!), and I have been feeling it today myself. So i suppose it is about him. But I was hoping for Yi to cheer me up! Maybe Yi was saying "split yourself off completely from this way of thinking?"

5.3.6 > 19
"I feel like I am totally out of energy - how do I do this!" Also "My head is wrecked with all this past stuff coming up, the emotions are so alive, will they ever be resolved?"

This looks to me now, hexagram 5 to be about the creative or work process ...wait, take a breath, the answers will arrive, the inspiration will come.

But right then, feeling stressed, bogged down by it all, when I saw 5.3, I thought, yes that's it, i have got bogged down, caught in a negative cycle.

But, with the anniversary of my baby, my spirit daughter, I am going to be sad. So I was asking Yi about "how can I feel what I am feeling without getting bogged down"

Maybe it is the Gemini, and those harsh aspects, and strange communication stuff; this is hard for someone who is used to being eloquent. Friends say to me that I often fins the words that they can't find; that I can express something for them, that I put it perfectly into words. And people say that this is why i am a good psychic reader also. Lately though, it doesn't seem like this at all!

58.2 speaks about an equal exchange.
And 58.3 is about deliberating between good and bad choices, and feeling bad.
And this leads to chaos and confusion (3).

I think you are right here, there is an equal exchange somewhere - in the college project, in the ex, or if I can expand my context of Be-ing, in my relation with Source, with the universe...

Good and bad choices and feeling bad...hmmm Well wondering what to say and how to say it (the ex) or whether it needs to be said, or whether I'll actually get to say it, seeing as he has 'ghosted' me again...well that would be the confusion.

And yes I have been experiencing the same confusion with the college report. I have the data, the stats, i have lots written, but not in the right format yet, I have to 'concision' it.
Yes, and there are inaccuracies, and omissions, and wrong directions that the rest of the team want to gloss over. Some actually mean there is no 'product-market' fit for our solution, i mean, I can see the holes here that I have seen mentors pick in Ideas at hackathons, startup weekends, accelerators etc. This is confusing, because I have indecision over this. I actually have confusion over why i feel confusion here..with this team, the last 2 months have been confusing! Last weekend, i completely collapsed, i could not do anything, i was feeling so 'superfluous', and so useless! I write up my research, the Team lead ignores it; then she goes and researches (not always accurate data) and writes something else, and i feel stupid (even though I cited some v reputable sources, such as the latest Kenyan gov't stats). It did get a bit better, I realise that she doesn't discuss, she just goes and researches it, and then changes everything, and then just sends you a new version of the document. I am used to using an online collaborative document, like slack, google docs or dropbox paper, that many people can work on at once, chat, comment etc. I think we don't work well together. However, I learned to change the format, and in the last few weeks she has taken some of my stats in.

I have found it frustrating initially, this.. I know I have 'blind-spots' too, but that is why teamwork is important, we are supposed to catch each others errors, lift up each others good. Yes but I have decided to be patient and listen more; if nobody is listening to me, well what can I learn? But maybe this is what 26.6 was about? Maybe I should speak more? During our pitch presentation, I waited to be asked to speak, and the team lead did not ask me at all. Afterwards, another classmate said "I was surprised that you did not speak!" And another one said "I was waiting for that Wow Emma factor!"


The various parts of the whole 'feelings' equation confuse you greatly.
I wouldn't say that; I know what i am feeling all right, it's just that I don't want to go down certain paths, feed certain emotions too much... I think I got bogged down because I am stressed, and feeling a bit isolated, and some traumatic memories start to wake up, that I thought I had resolved.
I mean, In a weeks time, i can go to the beach, or the woods, really *feel*, do a sand painting, process or work with this; then go dancing maybe to work it out of the body, but not right now. It's not confusion over feelings, it's just fear, not being able to contain it, emotions bogging me down...but there is a lot at once, and that is messy, Like I have not got enough time to decide the right things, to find balance, so I feel i might get it wrong for myself, like if I react out of hurt, or anger, rather than self-love.

How about try to deal with one thing at a time? Plan your time.

Yes that is good advice

  • Then plan time to take a breather and maybe deal with the ex.
Hmm, i think i am going to just leave that one alone, I've had a bit of time, and feeling how I did when he broke up with me, well, he obviously has that same back and forth thing, and i am in a different part of my life now, and I'm not going to chase after him, or open up to him and be left hanging in mid air again. Some guys, I can be easy with, and enjoy their company, then head off into other parts of my life, but with this guy, it hurts, I'm sensitive to him. I know, he's not right for me, and maybe I'm not right for him either, so maybe that's the equal exchange?

  • Then research the job market to see what you can do with your degree.
Yes that has been confusing and brought up a lot of fear! I would like to start my own business, a startup or something like that, but in the last few months I have no ideas! This process we have been through, Disciplined Entrepreneurship, well it tests ideas, and it has killed a few for me! (It has also shown me how the previous startup, and the spinoff applications are not viable at all). I was planning to take about a month after this, focus a bit more on the kids, sort the house, spend time with friends, but that too led to confusion, because that might be too long, and I'll lose motivation, but I am very tired.

Step at a time :)

Tahnk you diamanda for your help and advice :)

I do appreciate it

I think I won't spin up another Yi now, i will wait until the morning.
 

EmMacha

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This morning, I cast Hexagram 60.5
From LiSe:

60 Jié, the Measure
Gua Poem:
Restraint, expansion. Bitter restraint does not permit determination.

9 at 5: Sweet restraint, auspicious. To proceed brings honor.
For safety there have to be rules, and even to guarantee freedom some things have to be restrained. People will gladly accept such rules, and the ruler who makes them is a good ruler.
(Changes to hex.19)

And yes I do feel a bit better, things are flowing better today, I am proceeding with the other sections at my own pace, without feeling too rushed, or under pressure.

If i get distracted, I'm listening to myself, and gently guiding myself back into it.

I think I did process something overnight; yesterday was a weird day, the Yi helped a lot, even if the messages seemed shocking, or strange...contemplation, a bit more emotional space and flow for myself. I'm just thinking, I said to a friend who was overworking and approaching burnout "you are not a train!". Seems maybe I was doing the same thing!

I think I will get this done! my head is clearer about it.
 

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