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What should I do about the wedding? 41.1.4.6->40

mulberry

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A dilemma: a very dear friend of mine is getting married, but the wedding is happening where her parents live, 900 miles away. We're such close friends that she also invited my mother, who very much wants to go. I have a baby, who is difficult to travel with. My husband teaches and the wedding is the same week his classes resume, so he might not even be able to go (we're waiting to get his final schedule from administrators). We've debated driving, flying, etc. and haven't figured out what makes sense. The wedding is not anywhere easily accessible near the airport, so we'd need to rent a car if we flew or else rely on two expensive cab rides longer than hour each way, and wrangle installing the carseat for them. The hotels nearby are pricey. All together, it will cost more than $1000 to go, unless we drive, and it's 28 hours round trip of driving, not counting all the extra baby stops (she loathes the carseat). I could go on. It's tough!

So, I asked Yi, what should we do about the wedding? 41.1.4.6->40

Is Yi telling me to stop right here and not go? Honestly, the thought of not going never crossed my mind until I got this reading. Lines 1 and 4 ring loud and clear- "Bringing your own business to an end, going swiftly--not a mistake. Considering decreasing it." and "Decreasing your affliction. Sending the message swiftly brings rejoicing-- not a mistake." Is this suggesting withdrawing, moving away from how difficult this is, and letting her know? On the other hand, Line 6 seems encouraging to go. The line from 40 "To turn round and come back is good fortune" also resonates, but towards not going.

Thoughts, anyone? I'm not ready to travel without my baby, either, that's off the table.

Thank you, all!
 

mulberry

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I also asked, "What if we don't go?" and received 39.5 -> 15 which...maybe she wouldn't hold it against me, if we did not go? "Greatly limping; partners come." Someone in Wikiwing wrote: "the realistic humility to accept you need help and recognise it when it shows up." On the other hand, maybe this is saying my mother's assistance would be enough to get us through this trip? If I tell her I am thinking of not going, she will go into overdrive to try to encourage me to go, and offer a lot of assistance.
 

rosada

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Decrease > Deliverance.
Maybe decrease the cost of the deliverance, i.e. take the least expensive route - drive rather than fly? The airplane/taxi option may take less time but not only will it be costly but also plane rides are all the same and all forgettable. Although a 28 hour run may sound daunting it could be a fun and fabulous experience/memory if you prepare right - Books-on-tape, frequent stops to check the thrift shops, a chance to get your mom to tell you her life story. With the money you save you can buy an iPad to keep your daughter happy.

Although it's a lot of money - even if you drive rather than fly - these celebration ceremonies are what life is all about and create memories that last a lifetime. But i think it's important that your focus be on having a grand bonding adventure with Mom and don't expect your girlfriend will be able to give you much attention on that day.

p.s. A great line to get Mom to talk is to ask, "How many different places have you lived?" As people describe each house they tell what all happened while they lived there.
 

rosada

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40. "To turn around and come back is good fortune."
Sounds like a positive omen for a short trip!
 

moss elk

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I think it says:
Don't go.
or Free Yourself (40)
from this Decrease (41)

(specifically lines 1 and 6 encourage against it. Line 1 says not to turn your life upside down for this.
Yes I know line 6 mentions 'having some place to go' but the important part of that line is to avoid decreasing your bank account.)

Renting one of these remote control robots may be cheaper. (you can even 'attend' the reception)

https://www.suitabletech.com/comparisonguide?utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=compet&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImd-7rfPn2wIVDFmGCh1MQAk1EAAYAiAAEgKAifD_BwE
 
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mulberry

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Thanks, Rosada and Moss! You both gave kind and insightful replies. I forgot to mention that if my husband doesn't come, driving is off the table—I actually don't know how, and my mom would never be comfortable driving that distance by herself (nor in a rental car, which is what we would need because my husband uses the car for work—which would be extremely expensive, so back to flying...)

To my surprise, I told my mom I was thinking of not going and she was immediately supportive of that option (!). She thinks it would be hard to travel with the baby, and very expensive overall. Her enthusiasm months ago was I think a mixture of being pleased she was invited (it was a really nice gesture from my friend) and my baby being younger/easier. Now that Baby Mulberry is older, her personality is a lot clearer... She's very sweet and bright and cuddly and mischievous within the family, and very cautious and easily spooked when with anyone new (especially crowds/loud situations). The wedding is two months away, so she could change by then, but it doesn't seem super likely. We're trying to expose her to more new people and places but it's a real gamble each time how she reacts.

But back to the money aspect, which is the real clincher. I have sliced and diced it every which way, and there's no way to do it flying (with hotel, car rental or cabs, etc.) for less than $1200. At some points in the year that's fine for us, but the timing is hard because my husband is not paid during the summer and we have to be very careful.

I asked, "What if I just ignored the worries about money and spent it for this trip?" and was pretty shocked by the reply, 2.1. Probably one of my least favorite lines in the whole Book. My past experiences with the line are memorably uncomfortable, in two cases it presaged the end of a friendship (I added one to Wikiwing a long time ago, but it since came up in other friendship that faded out). I'm not sure why Yi gave me that line for this. Maybe it's a warning that to be less careful about money for this one thing is the beginning of more risky decisions? Or maybe it'll turn out we really need that $1200 during that time?

Final note: all of this has made me think more about my friendship with her. I was startled to realize she hasn't met my daughter, who is nearly a year old now. She lives 3 hours from me, and invited us all to come visit when my baby was less than 3 months old, and we just couldn't do the trip. I invited her to come and stay with us several times, but she kept saying she was too busy (she is finishing her thesis). I offered to come up to see her twice this spring with the baby, even for a day trip, but she said she was too busy to give up a day on her thesis, and she also had travel planned with her mother. When I really think about it, she's made no effort to see us. We have talked on the phone about twice in the past year. Sometimes we text. I started to consider how much we've been in touch compared to other friendships, and was kind of shocked how little it's been in the past two years. Am I ignoring recent developments and paying too much heed to the past with her? We lived in the same city in our early-to-mid 20s and were extremely close then. We had dinner at least once a week and knew everything about each other's lives. It hasn't been that way for about 3.5 years now, when I really ponder it, since the second year after she moved away for school.

Another small oddity, that could just be her own ambivalence about how she's handling the wedding: she asked me in a text if I had a pale pink dress. I assume this was about being a bridesmaid, but she didn't say so directly. I said, of course! Or I'd happily get one! And she replied she would send me some options, but never did. And never said the word "bridesmaid." This was a few months ago. So maybe she's just not considering having a bridal party? honestly that seems the most like her, but maybe she's ambivalent about having me in the wedding party at all.

If she does have a wedding party after all, and I'm not in it...I will feel really hurt. Maybe *that's* what the 2.1 line is about? Going to the wedding and finding out I was blind to how we really are with each other now?

Well, sorry, guys, I wrote a novella here. Thank you to anyone who read this far! I'm grateful for any insights.
 
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mulberry

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Oh, also, another logistic note: my husband and I figured out the driving schedule and aren't sure it will work no matter which days of the week he's teaching. It might be literally impossible unless we spend only 1 night there and leave as soon as the wedding finishes up. Which seems...not ideal.
 

equinox

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I think you don't have to feel like being illoyal if you dont go ...
 
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rosada

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Now that we know a bit of the back story the lines seem to make more sense, such as now I can see how 41.could be you wanting to be supportive of your friend on her wedding day, but also as an acknowledgement that this could be asking too much. 40.6 might refer to your decision to stay home being good not just for you but also for your husband, mother child and maybe even your friend if she was having difficulty organizing her wedding party (bridesmaids). The Image - or moral - of 40. Deliverance is that of the superior man forgiving misdeeds. Perhaps this could be help you in forgiving your friend for her casual way of treating your friendship and as a reassurance that your friend - if she really is a friend - will not hold your absence against you.

Anyway, no need to stress not attending. Brides typically send out invitations far and wide knowing many people would be disappointed not to receive one even though both parties recognize they will most likely decline.
 

mulberry

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Thanks everyone for your replies and attention. I did some more travel planning with an eye towards going, but the final kicker in tandem with the cost was that it was not in an area accessible without bringing my own car seat. Also we got my husband's teaching schedule and it precludes being able to attend, he has to be present for meetings the morning after the wedding. Just a perfect storm of problems.

Anyway, with much trepidation, I told my friend and she was...incredibly understanding! I figured she would be, after asking Yi for advice on telling her and getting 52.6 -> 15. She was absolutely the picture of 52.6 and 15. Kindhearted, gracious, and very understanding. She is very frugal minded in general and that came through in terms of her grace about it. We made plans to visit each other right after the wedding, and she also put me in touch with a friend of hers who is hiring freelancers right now.

Other details: she is not having a wedding party, and she seems ambivalent overall on the ceremony (not the marriage itself, but the bells and whistles of a wedding—it's really for her parents and the majority of guests are her parents' friends).
 

adarkana

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It is her good fortune to have you as a friend, at any distance. This is a very thoughtful & illustrative thread.
 

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