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What is the best course of action towards my mom? Hex 49.1.6 to 33

dancingfox

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A month ago I had a serious fallout with my mom. We always had a difficult relationship. Neither of us have tried to reconnect since. I want to reach out but I am afraid we will just repeat the same old pattern. I don't mean to be stubborn to prove a point, I just want to build a more healthy relationship with my mom and I don't know how anymore.


What is the best course of action towards my mom? Hex 49.1.6 to 33. Seems to tell me that if I want a change then I need to remain withdrawn, for the moment. This advice hurts... but it rings true.

Thoughts? :bows:
 
F

Freedda

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Dancing Fox:

It is probably no suprise that the primary hexagram here is about change (in different interpretations): Radical Change, Seasonal Change, and one I think is fitting, Breaking Out of the Old. I think it describes your desire for a real or fundamental change in how you and your mom relate. That's a good thing, yes? But perhaps not always easy.

The lines speak to this change:

The first line seems to describe being caught in old patterns, that perhaps seem (or have seemed) almost rule-like: "you will related this way towards one another." The 'golden' makes it appear 'right' or maybe perscribed by a higher power -- but it's still a wrapping that keeps you from taking action or making fundamental change.

For me, the sixth line describes a desire to make a real change, not just a superficial one (as in swapping out an old mask for a new one). But to proceed too quickly -- before the season is right to shed one's skin -- may not serve you.

The related hexagram -- Distancing, Withdrawal, Retreat -- seems to reinforce that this may not be the right time to take direct action, such as confronting your mom. It may instead be a time for a "strategic pullback" (which is quite different than retreat or surrender): to step back, to reflect, to perhaps take the time to reframe the relationship and your approach to healing it.

If this seems right, a suggestion of mine (not necessarily from the I Ching) would be to let your mom know that the ties between you are not completely severed, at least from your end; for example: maybe a note which simply acknowleges the distance between you, but that you hope for healing in the future.

All the best, David.
 

dancingfox

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It may instead be a time for a "strategic pullback" (which is quite different than retreat or surrender): to step back, to reflect, to perhaps take the time to reframe the relationship and your approach to healing it.

Hi David, thank you for explaining the lines. The hexes were easier for me to interpret then the lines, this time. I think that a 'strategic pullback' is a great way to describe what is already happening. I already left her a message of the kind you suggested, but I sent it right after the fallout.

I worry that any kind of communication right now might be taken the wrong way... We have misunderstood eachother so often already. I will consider your advice, and how I could fit it in a strategic pullback.

Thank you for the wise words.
 

dancingfox

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Update:

I decided to break the silent wave and call my mom, a couple of days ago. It was allright. We really listened to each other, a rare occurence.

I think we can both see that we have a lot of healing to do. Slowly does it.
 

sylvia1ching

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The HEX 49: REVOLUTION/MOLTING
is about transformation, social reform essentially significant changes. The top triagram is lake/water the youngest daughter above the lower triagram fire the middle daughter. These two are in direct conflict with one another. The one who understands the conflict and understand how they are created can prepare and adjust such that there is a balance. It is up to you to find it within you to see the greater purpose if you want to find resolution. In this way, you will change or transform your relationship with your mother. Revolution is about change and the right way to change.

Line 1: It refers to how you hold yourself responsible in context to the fallout. Who are you being such that the conflict persists? The color yellow is "color of the mean" or balance or the midpoint as mediator. The other reference if the cow and that is directly references the attitude of the earth... meaning receptive and docile. Another way to look at it is to take away the anger or frustration and decided what is it that you want from your relationship with your mother. What is important to you? Being right and staying apart or finding the right way and have relationship. This line is about thinking things through and definitely refraining from conflict. So giving yourself some time to dig deep and understand what is it that is causing the difficulty. Is it the lack of boundaries projected or expectations that are placed on one another? The first question to ask is "what is it that I want from my mother and my relationship?" The second question is "who do I get to be to have the relationship I want?"

Line 6: This line suggests to me that the issues that need to be addressed are not big issues but small, subtle, and yet significant. Like the panthers spots the spots are distinct but at the same time not overwhelmingly obvious. It is the little adjustments that will bring about a balance. The purpose is to achieve a position where you are communicating and having the relationship that you want with your mother and not stuck behind the conflict. These changes in way of being, how you can reach a balance within yourself around your mother are the first steps towards creating a greater connection, clarity, calm, etc. It is what can be achieved first through you then what happens it may just allow your mother find it within herself to make those same adjustments. Someone gets to start... and let it be you.

HEX 33: RETREAT
In your case I do not believe it is absolute abandoning your mother or retreating in that would suggest she is the darkness that is causing, you, the light to retreat. What must retreat is the conflict especially the emotion around conflict. The I Ching describes the heart as one thing that cannot be controlled... the heart wants what it wants. In understanding this you get to compartmentalize the emotion from the mind. Retreat from the obvious or usual responses or the usual ways you may behave or feel when you and your mother are in conflict. You want to retreat in the right way. Again the reference to "In what is small, perseverance furthers." By maintaining composure, recognizing that this an emotionally charged issue you can respond appropriately without exhausting yourself.

It also suggests that you may protect yourself too. You do not need to be someone's doormat even if it is your mother. You are clear about what is acceptable to you in how you want to be treated. What is it that causes you to react? What are your buttons that Mom pushes? Be prepared and know when to step left or right to avoid becoming seduced into drama. You can do this without sounding condescending... figure out the right way to exit a situation that is headed to a blow out.

THE IMAGE
Mountain under heaven: The image of RETREAT.
Thus the superior man keeps the inferior man at a distance,
Not angrily but with reserve.

If you can believe that you do not have to retreat in the sense you must avoid her then you are half way there. Knowing what creates the drama within you allows you to setup boundaries for yourself to keep Mom at a distance but still love her.

This is a process. There has a greater significance to your life than you may know. The family teaches us how to relate. If you can find the right way to remove conflict you have learned a great lesson that can be applied to all other relationships. This is a great opportunity for you to grow. You get to learn how to observe, find balance, have the right approach, to have conflict and still be in relationship... it is not a zero-sum game. It is not about giving in it is about taking the win-lose out of it and find the harmony of win-win.
 

dancingfox

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Sylvia... Wow. Just wow! You have no idea how incredibly accurate you just described the dynamics of the relationship between me and my mother. I am meditating on your answer because there is just so much for me to work with and to take in. I will return to this thread later today.

Thanks a million!
 

sylvia1ching

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My pleasure....if you have any other questions i would be happy to work with you. I love the i Ching
 

dancingfox

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Hi Sylvia,

49: revolution is about change and the right way to change, yes.

Line 1: what do I want from my mom? How do I take away the anger and the frustration and in doing so, refrain from conflict?
Line 6: a subtle change in my attitude can bring about balance within myself when around my mother. What can be achieved through me will allow my mother to find it within herself to adjust accordingly.

33: what must retreat is the emotion around the conflict. This can be achieved by maintaining composure. In doing so I will retreat from my usual behavioural patterns and be able to respond appropriately without exhausting myself.

I need to be clear on how I want to be treated (boundaries). Find out which buttons my mom pushes and how to avoid possible ensuing drama. I recognize that this is a process, a possible lifelesson.

Still processing ;)
 

sylvia1ching

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Excellent! I am so happy that it is beneficial to you.

It gives the control to you and you can make the difference.

Line 6: The panther spots...the buttons

thank you so much for being you and that I can support you
 

dancingfox

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Hi Sylvia,

Line 6: The panther spots...the buttons

Yes! I was even thinking of the pantherspots as the pattern, you know... My behavioural pattern.

I am a slow learner when it comes to the I Ching... but whenever I make a visual connectionI feel like my understanding deepens a little bit.

Thank you for taking the time to pitch in on my reading!
 

sylvia1ching

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Ms. dancingfox

you are not slow to this at all. It is a multilayer, multi-system, minutia to universal complex thing that is a learning process just as the divine within you is abundant and complex. I have been fortunate to have an individual who found my interpretations effective and I have lots of practice. 4 years and 4 volumes interpretation and even then there are others that have decades of experience. It is a beautiful learning process.

I am waiting to be checked. I am so young in this process. What I am looking for is to be challenged and question.
 
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