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Hexagram 14-trying not to become bitter

hellomoon

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I've been really depressed recently, I never tell my closest friends what I am feeling for fear of embarrassing myself, but as I am getting older (I am in my mid 30s) I am feeling sad, depressed and at times feelings of bitterness . I see my friends who seem like they didn't have to lift a finger to find their "soulmates", love and partnership seems to come so easily to my friends. Most of my friends are married, and then I hear news of so and so moving in together, so and so expecting their first child, and so and so are engaged. And I am am alone. I had a wonderful relationship that ended recently due to the long-distance. Sometimes I feel it is my fault for not putting enough effort into my relationships. I do blame myself, I have dated good men, true blue. I've never been cheated on, or left for another woman, or lied to, or been physically/emotionally abused, so I blame myself a lot. I asked the I ching today WILL MY DREAM OF HAVING A HUSBAND AND CHILDREN EVER COME TRUE? I am trying not to get the bitterness get to me, no one wants a bitter or sad partner. I got hexagram 14 unchanging.This cast is a nice one, because it is saying I am already rich (emotionally I think?). But I don't feel it. I feel lost in this world, I have no family of my own. This cast also speaks of something of value. I think it means that I will, one day. What can I take away from hexagram 14? Could it be saying I have everything already to attract my dream, but I don't see it?Thank you.
 

hellomoon

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Wow, sorry for sounding pathetic. I am usually happy go luck type.
 

Trojina

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Question.

Have you really always dreamed of husband and family ? Truly ? Just wondering.

Just wondering if a part of you didn't ? Also wondering if the part of you that didn't is succumbing to the societal pressure to 'have' these things plus the lack of validation one gets from other adults. For example they say 'do you have kids ?' and if you say 'no' they seem act as if you are of no further interest :rolleyes:

There are other ways to live every bit as valid as churning out a few more people to the over crowded world.



So 14 to begin with I think is saying 'yes value and validate the choices you have made in your life thus far, you made them for good reason'. This answer is not suggesting a good old self torture session on what you could have done.



However supposing you did always dream of the nuclear family thing, it is what you really always wanted what might 14 be saying about you ever getting them ?


Well I'd say it is showing you all the wealth you have as a mid thirties fertile woman who still can have what she wants. The key with 14 is appreciation, full appreciation of what one has at the time because when appreciation fills you there is just no room for bitterness.


Make a list of all the things you have to appreciate right now. I will insert your name in the Image from Hilary's translation.


'Fire dwells above heaven; Great Possession.
Hellomoon ends hatred and spreads the good.
She yields to heaven and rests in her mandate.'


So it is by appreciation of all that you have that you can contentedly surrender to heaven's will for you and fulfil your purpose on earth.


Your will, your highest fulfilment will always be the same as heaven's will. If you want a child because that is what you feel called to do then that is heaven's will also. I think where it says 'hatred' it would include bitterness. So it is asking you to end bitterness and spread what is good. It also asks you to fully rest in and receive your mandate.


You still have time to have a child, appreciate that and feel how that fits into your overall life purpose.



I think to be pragmatic if one really wants a child past 35 or so it is no use in thinking that can only happen within the perfect relationship if there ever was such a thing anyway. There's no rush for the perfect relationship, you can discover one at 60 or 70 but there is a rush for a child because fertility starts waning about now.


So you have 3 choices I can see

1. You hang on in the frantic hope of finding the right man to have a kid with. It can happen after 35 but I will say I have seen a lot of women rush for this and then find the next 10-20 years an interminable rush of self abnegation as it is exhausting. And then the tables are turned and they get bitter because childless women have time to lie in, read books and do their nails....oh and much more besides...

2. You can decide to use your assets, your eggs for babies. Not necessarily via any romantic story line only produced in the movies but simply by making a practical decision about it before it's too late.


3. oh maybe there are just those 2 options why did I say 3.....hmmm ah yes you can embrace your life just as it is and be happy to have kids if the right man comes but meantime love your freedom and your life and most of all the ongoing awareness of possibility :D and there still is lots of possibilities, don't forget that.
 
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Freedda

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Hello Moon: I certainly can related to how you are feeling. I have felt the same at different times in my life, and it's hard to still the 'comparing mind' where we compare our lives to others.

I'll start by saying that very rarely do I see the Yi as a forecasting or fortune-telling tool, but more as a way of getting advice and direction to deal with life's situations. Also, my take here includes going 'outside the lines' so to speak, and I'll look too at the images of the hexagrams and trigrams.

That said, some names for Hexagram 14 are 'Great Possession' and 'Big Domain.' I think, however, that these names can be misleading, as if you're supposed to become bigger or stronger than you are - almost like a body-building regime of sorts. Instead this 'domain' become big because you inhabit your world more completely and fully - you make it big and great by making it yours.

Looking at the trigrams, you have Fire above Heaven, so there is illuminated power and potential here. I often think of as a good thing, but here I wonder if this big, bright 'domain' might be a bit too heady, to much in the realm of ideas, planning, and spirit, so it is without form?

I look then to two ideas - first, one of the inner (or nuclear) trigrams of 14 is Lake, which includes showing happiness, joy, perhaps being unconventional, or a bit of a free spirit. The other idea comes from one I Ching translator, who notes that 'Domain' comes from the root Domus, or home (as in one's domicile).

Bringing these two together offers the suggestion of finding joy closer to our own homes or domains - within our world, which we can then be responsible for. My take is that you look for what gives you joy and pursue these; you might call them interests, or hobbies, or vocations, etc. (As an aside, and on just a practical level, you might want to include others, and human interactions; so, for example, you take a cooking class, and not just sit and home and cook (thought do that too!).

All of this goes along with another name for 14 - ' Belonging Here,' - to 'make oneself at home' in one's own world, however you might do that.

At one point my life, I was very depressed, and one aspect of this was a nagging desire to just have someone in my life (and it would all be better). In the end my depression lifted, not because I had found the love of my life and we lived happily ever after - with lots of babies - but because I bought a home (offering me roots and responsibility), I became more involved with my art (and now the Yi), and because I started meditating more regularly; all were ways that I took possession of my domain and made it larger.


Kindly, David
 
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Trojina

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Bringing these two together offers the suggestion of finding joy closer to our own homes or domains - within our world, which we can be responsible for. My take is that you look for what gives you joy and pursue those things; you might call them interests, or hobbies, or vocations, etc. (As an aside, and on just a practical level, you might want to include others, and human interactions; so, for example, you take a cooking class, and not just sit and home and cook (thought do that too!).

All of this goes along with another name for 14 - ' Belonging Here,' - to 'make oneself at home' in one's own world, however you might do that.



Unusually I just had an afternoon nap and in this nap I had a dream I must share here because I feel I had it in connection with this thread and when I woke I saw David had answered and the dream connected to what he was saying.


I dreamed this literally 10 minutes ago -it was like a story, a documentary about a woman called Rose.

Rose was an ordinary woman in her 40s I think. She had auburn short hair with a side sweep parting. Her real gift to the world had not become apparent at all until maybe her 40s or so. Her gift was over her lifetime she had noticed the expressions and mannerisms of all kinds of people to such a degree, she was so finely tuned that she could capture this as art, in how she used her facial muscles in drama, or film making of some kind. She was somehow making these films, capturing moments, mannerisms, moods, in such a way that no one had ever done before. I was delighted I had discovered who she really was, I recognised her, I said happily 'ah Rose'. She had just lived an ordinary life with no particular talents and although I didn't think about there was no link to her status as wife or mother. It was her, only Rose who could do this. I marvelled at it. A voice over said that often it would take a 1000 shots for her to get the right expression, that is how precise she was. She had bought an expression of these things to the world that were uniquely hers.



I don't know why but on waking it reminded me of this thread. Also Rose always had had that gift, 14 our gift, what we truly possess. 14 asks for generosity and sharing of that unique individuality of ours. Rose had always had that gift but it took years of ordinary living in the world for that gift to blossom to full expression. She'd thought she was just living an ordinary life, she wasn't even aware earlier of what she had in her possession.



Just like a writer might live a humdrum life but gathers every experience, the look of the man on the bus, the way those people talk to each other, all these observations make up material to be used. I'm thinking especially of people like Alan Bennett, Victoria Wood, (british 'observational' artists in a way)people who gather and make art and show us things about ordinary life, funny, tragic or strange.
 

hellomoon

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Trojina:You asked if I always dreamed of having a husband and children? Not always, no. It was only recently maybe when I hit 30, a few years ago. I got a really good job working at an art gallery. My boss is in her 70s, she is a pretty big deal in her field, won a lot of awards, earned a Ph.D., was the first woman accepted into all male distinguished private club for distinguished intellectuals, she is quite an amazing woman. We talk often about my desire to have a husband and children. She recently told me, how the most fulfilling part of her life was having a husband and children. She married at the age of 39 and had all her children in her 40s, which gives me hope lol.I do appreciate all I got, I mean I am still relatively young, attractive, fertile. I mean, I am not carrying any baggage. My friend told me to cast a spell to bring love in to my life, I may try that one of these days. I am for sure very optimistic, adventurous and friendly. I am not an overbearing girlfriend, aggressive nor unfaithful.I can see your point in number 1, I don't want to rush and have a child with just any man! I do know in my heart of hearts having a family is truly what I want, at my age I know myself and know what I want. Thank you for your words, I take it to heart.Fredda: I have many passions and luckily I work in a field I am passionate about and get paid for it. Most of my friends just have jobs, in a cubicle, they earn way more than I do but aren't happy (in their jobs). Funny as you mention 'belonging here', it made me think of my progressed moon about to enter Cancer (sorry, if you are not familiar with astrology)...soon I will be focusing inward, and solidifying a home base. I reckon I will be focusing on home, family and finding a sense of security. I was in a relationship for 7 years, so I know relationships are hard and I don't see marriage with rose colored glasses. I mean, I want a companion someone to share my life with. My passions do fulfill me, which I have many. Thank you.
 

hellomoon

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Trojina: Your post made me smile, really it did. I really appreciate it. I remember my boss telling me having a family older than the average does, most of the time, make us better parents/partners because we know ourselves; we've had or fun, traveled, become more self-aware and can offer so much more to our children. I think 14 is telling me I have all the 'gifts' or I already possess what I need to make a great mom and wife and I will be good at it. I don't know. This is a lot to take in. But it is a very beautiful hexagram and I am glad I got this one for my question, even though at first it wasn't what I wanted to hear (if I am honest).Thank you.
 

marybluesky

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Hi Hellomoon!

WILL MY DREAM OF HAVING A HUSBAND AND CHILDREN EVER COME TRUE? 14 uc

14 is called Great Possession, so you possess what is necessary to make a family. The potential is there; you should learn how to develop it.

Good Luck!
 

hellomoon

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Thank you!!! Beautiful answer. I have been doing a lot research on this hexagram, it ain't bad or boring as I thought it was to be honest. Hah, hex 14 on my mind at work yesterday. I was smiling and thinking about this hex.
 

rosada

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I was thinking about what hexagram 14 unchanging might mean and opened a book to this quote:
“Every blessing is a mixed blessing.” Perhaps a reminder that there are drawbacks in marriage and also blessings in being single. Anyway, just thought that was a kinda cool quote to have turn up just now.

A couple of things jumped out at me when I read your post - you mention that you work with a woman who is highly accomplished in the professional world and yet she feels her greatest accomplishment, happiness, came from her marriage and children. I wonder if her influence as your role model is somehow exaggerating your sense of lack in this department? And likewise that so many of your buddies are wives and mothers. Ordinarily one would think it would be good to have such people around you to resonate with, to reinforce your vision of having a family yourself, but in your case it seems to be causing you pain. I don’t know what the solution is - maybe just to be aware of the influences and notice how close you can be with these friends and still feel good
and to detach before you get pulled off base. I think of how one of the first situations the ic warns about is 4.3, “take not the woman who, when she sees a man of bronze, loses possession of herself”. That is, don’t be so impressed by other’s gifts and talents that you neglect or diminish your own.

I also notice you comment that you had a friend recommend a magic spell for attracting love and that you might get around to trying it someday. For heaven’s sake, do it now! An even earlier advice from the IC is 1.3, “Do everything you can to create your vision!” If a husband and children really are your heart’s desire then follow up every possible lead!

A good place to start is by burning a red candle to enhance awareness of the love in your life right now.

Best blessings! Rosada
 

hellomoon

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Funny Rosada you mentioned the love spell. I did cast a love spell during the New Moon in Aquarius this past weekend. However, my thoughts were a bit scattered when I was performing the spell and I feel it may not have worked. I mean, I feel I should try it again during the next new moon.I don't think my boss's influence exaggerates my sense lack in that department. I am too level headed. I have been b**** slapped by reality way too many times in my early 20s, what I mean to say is that I don't see anything with rose colored glasses anymore. I have touched the hot stove time and time again when I was in my early-mid twenties. I mean I never did anything like date the married man, or fall in love with my emotionally unavailable boss. I learned a lot from my first long-term relationship and my most recent one. My married friends sometimes would comment how they daydream of being single, and us single women daydream of having a family. So I do understand if or when I marry I have to give up a lot of my independence. Right now I can sleep when I want, eat what I want, do whatever I want basically. There are many cool things about being alone. But right now in my life, I feel I have had enough of being alone. Time to write a new chapter.I mean, I am not yearning for anything unreal...I am not asking "WILL I EVER BE A MILLIONAIRE?"I don't think I am reaching for the stars in terms of my dream of being a mother and someone's wife. At least, I don't feel like I am. Most humans have it (family) why can't I? I do promise myself that when I do find my husband and have my family I won't take it for granted. I definitely don't want to come across as a miserable spinster LOL, I mean I am having fun with my life.Okay, I am off to feed my 6 cats (kidding).Thanks!
 

hellomoon

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Oh my boss did tell me in the meantime to have fun and live my life to the fullest and to make myself great. I guess this is very hex 14 like :).
 

rosada

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Good for you doing the love spell on the New Moon! Supposedly the seeds we plant then come into fruition on the full moon and also on the three quarter moon - so make a point of noticing who and what is in your life at these times. Should provide a clue as to how your garden is growing...
 

lucid-a-fly

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Hi I think based on your descriptions, IChing is telling you you already have everything you need. The way for you to have what you want, a life partner who shares your joy, is to share what you have with people around you. Let the abundance flow, as you have many. Then you may find that person. But Iching is also telling you, you will have to repress evil and do good things. I think it means there are a lot of people around you, who are good to you, and bad for you. You need to recognize them and learn to stay away from the bad influences. And stay close to the good influences. Maybe it is telling you: do you want someone because of your boss? Is she a good influences? Were you happy with yourself before this? You will have to think about that. But I don't think you need to worry. I think Iching is about being in the flow of life, be happy with where life takes you. Hexagram 14 is also affirming that because it says you will need to do good according to the heaven's will. Not exactly the real heaven, but the self that is guiding you. If you are single right now, it's telling you you are single for a reason and all is good. Enjoy your time!
 

SeeBeauty

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Hello, hellomoon.

I am a 37 year old single woman with no children.
I own my own business, have wonderful friends and family, live in a place and community that I adore...
I enjoy an abundance of blessings in my existence, and yet feel, so poignantly sometimes, the lack of a significant partnership and the lack of children in my otherwise very blessed life.
Just last Tuesday I also cast 14 unchanging in regard to this feeling of "lack".
I suppose I don't have too much to add to the wonderful responses you have received here, but wanted to simply let you know that you're not alone, and also to thank those who responded to this thread, as it has helped me as well.

My response to receiving 14 was to think to myself that in appreciating and exploring ever deeper the wonderful blessings all around me, my creative endeavors and so on, I will find my way to my truest self and my truest calling, and in the meantime, life is just so beautiful.

Best of luck to you.
 

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