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Is the yi telling me I've been a little bit stupid?!

nicky_p

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Hi,

I seem to have gotten myself into a situation. I started seeing a guy before Christmas that I was working with (started a new job). We went out for drinks, that kind of thing, and got more friendly on Christmas day. I've just found out though that he's already engaged to somebody else! This makes it a bit tricky. If I wasn't working with him I'd just leave it but I hate having bad atmosphere at work - I don't like inflicting it on other people. I asked the Yi how I should act with regard to this person and recieved 15.6-52


15.6: Modesty that comes to expression.
It is favorable to set armies marching
To chastise one's own city and one's country.

Is this an indication that I should give myself a bit of a telling off for letting myself get swept along with this before really finding out who I'm with? Or is it more to confront him (I have done sort of but it was in work and he said that he wanted to go out for a drink to 'explain' which has yet to materialize!) But then 52 is a keep still hex?

Any insight would be gratefully recieved.
Thanks
Nicky
 

rosada

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Do I understand that you've already told him you know he's engaged but you're wondering why the date to "explain" has never materialized? I think the I Ching is saying there isn't going to be any Explaining Date (52. Keeping Still). If there is any chastising of you, it's for your silly expection that there will be. Just informing him that you knew and that you don't date married or engaged men was all the situation required. Now Modestly withdraw. Unfortunately, he wasn't man enough to apologize on the spot or follow through with an explanation, so the promise to explain later was just his way of wriggling out of an obligation. Just as he couldn't keep his commitment to his fiance, he made a promise to "explain" to you and he couldn't even keep that. HA! So now you know his whole story. Aren't you glad you found it out so fast? Be grateful for THAT and maybe once you recognize that being able to see this behavior pattern first hand really was an incredibe blessing you wont continue to expect anything more, will be able to drop the issue and restore the friendly atmosphere at work. Remember, HE IS MORE EMBARRASSED THAN YOU ARE - OR SHOULD BE!
 

Sparhawk

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rosada said:
Remember, HE IS MORE EMBARRASSED THAN YOU ARE - OR SHOULD BE!

Embarrassed?? Only perhaps at being caught... I'd move on unless you want to "still" your heart (and that's just for starters...)

L
 

nicky_p

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rosada said:
Do I understand that you've already told him you know he's engaged but you're wondering why the date to "explain" has never materialized?

Nooo! :eek:

And no, I don't date involved, engaged or married men... not that that has always been the case :blush:. Have learnt through bitter experience that it really isn't the way to go!

No, my question was more along the lines of how am I suppossed to react to this man when I work with him? The part of me that values my (remaining) dignity and professionalism says to be polite but not too close. The part of me that's really hurt for being lied to wants to cry and the part of me that is really pi**ed off wouldn't mind thumping him! And it's still a little vague. I found out through a third party so I thought I'd ask him and this was where the 'drinks to explain' comes in. He did tell me it was true so what he's going to explain I'm not entirely sure! I'm trying to decide whether to push for this explanation (confront) or just pretend like it doesn't matter and stay clear. The problem is it's not a very big place that I work in so I can't stay really clear without finding another job which I don't want to do.
 

nicky_p

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sparhawk said:
Embarrassed?? Only perhaps at being caught...

Yep, that did cross my mind! But if that's the case... the stupidity of it!! I mean there is a saying, if you'll excuse the vulgarity:

Don't **** on your own doorstep!

AND... if a relationship is so bad that you feel the need to play away from home, why not just leave?! Then you have the opportunity to have a relationship that is better, or live the single 'lad-about-town' lifestyle. I mean, it's not as though it was a 'meet you in a nightclub, end up in bed' type scenario. There was courting involved, flirting, getting to know each other (obviously not well enough :duh:), drinks etc!

Sorry, the pi**ed off part is shining through! I don't like feeling like a mug. And again, I do! Seems yi thinks so too!
 

Sparhawk

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nicky_p said:
I'm trying to decide whether to push for this explanation (confront) or just pretend like it doesn't matter and stay clear. The problem is it's not a very big place that I work in so I can't stay really clear without finding another job which I don't want to do.

Again, a lot of things seem to come to a "stop" for you. You must take control and decide what to "stop." If you do lose control, then the "stopping" will be done for you and what's "stopped" may no be what you wish (i.e. your job; your heart-in a metaphorical way, of course-; etc.).

On a practical note, try to see the whole thing as being one of the "boys" out for a night of fun. I know it hurts to be lied to but believe me that in your situation is the best option. Take the high road and don't confront him unless you are ready for a more drastic change than expected or desired.

L
 

rosada

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Oops, sorry!

Well, even so the sixth line of any hexagram suggests you're already beyond the situation and particularly since the change leads to 52. Keeping Still, I say your idea to be polite but not too close is the wisest path. And no, I don't think the I Ching is suggesting you should have known better. Maybe it's just reminding you that we can only work on ourselves and that blasting him wont do any good.

Perhaps asking the I Ching how you can maintain your dignity in this close enviornment would give you something useful.

The fan yao of 15.6 is 52.6 and suggests the discipline of keeping still will be rewarding.
 

willowfox

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"I asked the Yi how I should act with regard to this person and recieved 15.6-52."

Hex 15.6 exercise self control, change your attitude to being modestly polite and aloof.

Hex 52 find peace of mind by stilling your thoughts, stop worrying, be calm for what has happened is in the past, so forget about it. Live only for the present and carry on at work as though nothing has happened between the two of you, make him invisible both in thought and sight, this will give you the release that you need, problem solved.
 

autumn

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First rule- don't date men you work with unless you are ready to sacrifice the job.

What is going to happen to this girl when she marries him, he continues to have his romances on the side, she trusts him enough to bear his children, and then finds out she can't rely on him and he doesn't love her?

If I were you, Nicky, and I am being deadly serious- I would find his fiancee and I would tell her. Not from any sense of outrage on your part- I mean, you barely know him, right? I would do it because he deserves it and she doesn't. If that had the potential to cause problems for me at work, then I'd make sure to save any evidence I had of his behavior and tell my boss what happened, and let it be known you prefer not to work with him closely on any projects.

I wouldn't tip toe around this guy or allow him to make the slightest dent in my comfort zone. I'd just execute justice, and move on.
 

nicky_p

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Hi Autumn,

On some level I know what you're saying. I posted round about a similar time last year about a friend who had gone through a similar experience - except she'd been with the guy for 4 years and found out he had a wife and kids that he was living a double life with - and that's what she did. Found out and contacted the wife to tell her what was going on. But, I don't know if this is the right thing to do in this situation. I mean, I don't know the full situation regarding me, him and her so wading in and tracking her down seems a little excessive at the moment. Thanks for the thought though :) And I agree with the dynamics of it. My ex split up with me last year after meeting someone else and even though I took it quite badly I'm glad he had the bottle to split up with me now while we weren't married, with kids and a mortgage to sort out!

rosada said:
Maybe it's just reminding you that we can only work on ourselves and that blasting him wont do any good.

This is important to me and what Willowfox says about living in the present. My first couple of relationships were quite bad. An ex-boyfriend's mother once pulled me to one side and told me that I had an unnaturally aggressive and negative view when it came to men so I worked really hard not to be that way. It still slips through every now and then but it's more of a self defence mechanism. I don't seem to know how to get the balance right - when I have a nagging doubt or problem I'll sometimes push it to one side thinking that it's just leftover hostility, or I'll charge in and make the situation a whole lot worse. Hence why I check. I get lost in what's normal and natural or I think 'to hell with it - let rip!' But then I end up scaring myself!

Thanks for all your thoughts - guess I'll be taking that high road. Hope there's enough oxygen up there to breathe! ;)

Love
Nicky
 

autumn

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nicky said:
An ex-boyfriend's mother once pulled me to one side and told me that I had an unnaturally aggressive and negative view

This is propaganda intended to disconnect you from your source of personal power. This is a lie. If women are not allowed to express anger then it is much easier to control them. And yes, other women are active architects of hegemony, even when they are dis-empowered by it.
 

nicky_p

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autumn said:
This is propaganda intended to disconnect you from your source of personal power. This is a lie. If women are not allowed to express anger then it is much easier to control them. And yes, other women are active architects of hegemony, even when they are dis-empowered by it.

I agree this can be the case, but in my situation she had a point. My anger wasn't founded on what these guys had done but on what previous guys had done, tarring them all with the same brush, and was permanent. I didn't even realise I was doing it - just snide little comments whenever a situation involving a man was discussed. The kind of thing that if it were the other way around - say a man making derogatory remarks about women all the time - I know a few people here would step in and say something for starters! And agressive! I've been on the recieving end of similar stuff and it ain't nice! To realise you're doing the same to others is a kick in the stomach! Takes the wind out of you for sure! But thank you for trying to protect my personal power :)
 

esolo

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nicky_p said:
Is this an indication that I should give myself a bit of a telling off for letting myself get swept along with this before really finding out who I'm with? Or is it more to confront him

I think it's saying that you should tell him where he can go.
 

Trojina

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esolo said:
I think it's saying that you should tell him where he can go.

LOL yes that makes most sense to me. I think you hit the nail on the head, only if Nicky has to work with him she has to be somewhat restrained.(I suppose)

Funny but being in an almost similar situation some years back my regret on looking back was that I didn't tell him where to go. Its suprising how many people just rely on the fact they think you're not going to say anything, that they'll never have to answer to messing with your heart. I think whats often happening is one person is just playing about/flirting and the other is developing deeper feelings. You could say its not a deliberate attempt to hurt, but it is thoughtless IMO.

BTW I think I see 15,6 as more about correcting the situation calmly but not being afraid to be assertive. I don't think its about passive acceptance at all and I definately don't see any cause for self blame or see that reflected in your answer. Sometimes a bit of self defence is your duty to yourself.

It could be making a correction in the situation is not trying hard to behave normally around him but being fairly aloof and keeping to yourself. Anyway you look at it I don't think its his emotional comfort thats important here. Why should he not know hes hurt you, why should you pretend he hasn't.
 
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nicky_p

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trojan said:
Why should he not know hes hurt you, why should you pretend he hasn't.

I think maybe that's part of the self-defence? Maybe I'm a little strange but I don't like people seeing me hurt - ever. I don't really cry in front of people or anything - if I get really upset I tend to run away! I've got friends that tease me because they think I do the opposite of every one else - when I get really angry I don't rant and rave I get ultra polite. I think it's because I'm scared that if I really lost it I'd hurt someone. Also, I don't let a lot of people see me hurt because if they see a weak spot they might use it again. Although, again strangely, I find being aloof really difficult - It's so much hard work to keep it up.

I worked today and just let it go really. Part of that rankles a little still - it's as though I'm saying: 'it's alright to treat people like this' when actually it isn't but I wonder what dragging everything out into the open would achieve - other than bad feeling. I would still like to have my say but, not in work, not in public.
 

esolo

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Trojan,

I had something like this happen to me once as well. It was one of the few times that I nipped a developing bad situation in the bud and told the guy where to go. (Don't ask about the times I didn't.) I was polite about it but also made sure that I presented a very firm, no-nonsense front. I say "front" because at the time I was horribly disappointed. However, I wasn't sorry later. It was something that had to be done and I did it. I think he was surprised that I had the strength to do that because we really liked each other...but I think he also had respect for me after I did it.

Nicky,

You can tell him where to go without getting into a shouting match..which definitely isn't hexagram 15 anyway. However, I think the line is saying that you should let him know somehow that he behavior was totally unacceptable.
 
J

jesed

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Dear friend

Keep it simple:

15.6 "A weak person takes offence and draws back, feeling self-pity" Don't act like this

Best wishes
 

willowfox

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Hex 15.6 also says, that if you are dissatified with the current state of affairs, do not blame others, exercise self control and take responsibility for yourself.
 

nicky_p

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I just wanted to say thanks to those who responded and to give a little update. I've kept my distance from this guy as much as possible which has actually been relatively easy because I've gone from working full time to working part time, studying part time now that term has started again at university. I've gone into work today though to find that this guy has been fired for a completely un-related incident (although this did cause a bit of a stir :blush:) So, I can keep my distance and keep still on it afterall :D

Thanks again
Love
Nicky
 

Trojina

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Thats great news, seems like it worked out for the best. And thanks for the feedback, I learn most from seeing how answers playout for people in real life. I wish everyone would return and say whats happened following a reading. :)
 

rosada

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Indeed! And so interesting that the situation resolved itself without you having to DO anything. The fact that this all transpired while you weren't even there gives me further understanding of 52. Keeping Still. I shall now think of 52. as Keeping out of It.
 

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