Dear all,

I received a very frustrating answer from I Ching. The frustration in itself comes from the fact that I have some troubles interpreting it- I don't know if the answer is good or bad.

I am in love with this bloke. I met him about one year ago, he used to be my English teacher, I thought we were flirting and decided to make the first move: ask him out. he answered me in most humorous way that I wasn't his "gender" (I am straight and he is gay). Since then, we have been very very close friends. Of course I was in love and still am, but tried to hide it for everybody's sake.

We moved, me to Amsterdam, him to Paris. the situation of not having him around- such a gentle and constant source of nurture, love and wellbeing- drove me crazy. Eventually I asked the I ching if it was going to be a bad idea to go to Paris. I got 48, unchanging. I thought "maybe we move apart, but our affection will remain the same". So, last Friday I went to Paris. It was good, not great, but still good.

Problem: I came back and started bombarding him with calls and emails. No good, I know, but I'm not happy in Amsterdam anyway, and it feels so good to live in the fantasy of a perfect relationship. I asked him if, since I am going to Paris with friends on the weekend before his birthday (which happens to be on a Monday in February), if he wanted me to stay one more day to celebrate his anniversary. He said, with polite words, that I shouldn't stay longer only because of him, that he's going to work anyway and that he's friends in town, so I shouldn't worry because he's not going to spend the night alone.

I was negatively surprised by such harsh answer, and I started imaging that probably now he has understood the extent of my love. I feel rejected in a polite way, and fear for the future, for more distance.

I inquired the I ching again, this time about what I am supposed to face in the future after being caught my feelings "on the table", and I became the same answer: 48, unchanging.

What do you think the answer might mean? I am more inclined to think about something like "he won't love you back" or "you won't stop loving him", but I'm open to your suggestions. Even if there's tough ones to digest!

Thanks a lot and lots of blessings from

Lili.
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urbansparrow said:

I inquired the I ching again, this time about what I am supposed to face in the future after being caught my feelings "on the table", and I became the same answer: 48, unchanging.

What do you think the answer might mean?

Click to expand...

I think it means something like 'go deep, draw on the depth...maybe in you, maybe in the both of you, but go deep and draw on the depth'. Something like that.

What do you think it means?

I asked the I ching if it was going to be a bad idea to go to Paris. I got 48

I think that it is a bad idea because he cannot be moved in any way to accommodate your passion for him, he is gay, he has a partner, and your trying to convince him of your feelings for him will not get anywhere, and you will come away from Paris deeply sadden.

It doesn't matter how deep you go if expectations are unreal you have a broken jug or a short rope. Hes gay you're straight..what can happen romantically I'm not that suprised at his harshness as you describe it. I mean from his point of view it could seem rather invalidating that hes told you hes gay and you continue to pursue as if the fact that hes gay is of little consequence to you having a romantic relationship with him.

Unpleasant situation and you have my sympathies.

"...and it feels so good to live in the fantasy of a perfect relationship."

Indeed. But it's not good for you or your friend. You can indulge a fantasy and lose a friendship or you can come to terms with how things are, painful though that may be. You had a close and nourishing relationship by having him as a friend before so there's no reason you can't get your Well in order and re-establish that connection again.

48 seems to say you have some deep resources here but it may be that the focus is all wrong. The well should be there for all as well as providing for your own needs. Make sure your well is not blocked and the lines of communication are clear. See things as they really are, then you can both flourish. Honour and respect who he is by honouring and respecting the friendship that you have.

Close friendships are a very precious thing, don't let it run dry.

That's my take - Good luck,

Topal

trojan said:

It doesn't matter how deep you go if expectations are unreal you have a broken jug or a short rope. Hes gay you're straight..what can happen romantically I'm not that suprised at his harshness as you describe it. I mean from his point of view it could seem rather invalidating that hes told you hes gay and you continue to pursue as if the fact that hes gay is of little consequence to you having a romantic relationship with him.

Click to expand...

What you've said has inspired me to expand a bit on my previous interpretation. Perhaps the Yi's saying something like 'go deep inside yourself and ask yourself why you're pursuing a gay guy'.

Thanks to you all for your inspiration.

Yesterday I thanked the I Ching too, telling it that I might know what direction to take. I am fancying quieting down the frequency we have contact now and in one week or two write him a letter, telling him that lately I have grown dependent on him and I thank him for letting me know it. He is right and I know it now, and that's why I won't go back to Paris for a while, until I feel I have learned how to manage my feelings.

I had 38.5 to 10. I see it as a relatively good sign, although maybe indicator of the fact that the peril is not completely overcome. Or is it a bad sign?

Thanks again for your precious time!

and lots of happiness,

lili.

Quoting Karcher's How to Use the I Ching about your 38.5 > 10 reading:

38 ("Diverging"), Line 5

Repenting disappears.
Your ancestor gnaws through the flesh!
How can this be a fault?

Commentary: Your cares and sorrows will disappear. You partake of the sacrifice [this is a sacrifice for you] that connects you to the ancestors. Their power flows into you. How could this be a mistake?

The corresponding line, 10.5, also seems to be meaningful:

Decisive treading. Divination: adversity.

Commentary: Be decisive and forge onward, even if you must part with something. You will confront danger with its roots in the past. Take action. Correcting the situation is definitely the right thing to do.

That "Divination: adversity" part is confusing. But I don''t think Karcher means that writing a letter will create adversity (or more adversity). I think he means what he says in the second line of his commentary: You will confront danger (the adversity) with its roots in the past. Hence, writing the letter, in addition to pulling back from the relationship, seems like the right thing to do.

If I was in your situation, I'd write the letter as best I could, and then ask Yi to critique it before you send it. Something like "How appropriate is this letter?" or "How well will this letter serve to heal the relationship between me and <blank>?". See what Yi says, and go from there. I've done that very thing with correspondence, and I think it's helped. It might take a while, though. A letter is a complex document, and you might have to do quite a few readings even down to the single sentence level if you REALLY want to be sure about it. Allow yourself to take your time with it and be patient with the process (advice I'm better at stating than following!)

But maybe you're a more talented correspondent than I am, and you won't need as many drafts! I hope!

Best wishes with this painful situation.

lanie, thanks a lot for your beautiful words. I feel way better today and I think I can definitely overcome this. I know where the roots of this evil lie, and although I can't correct them, I can be aware of them.

For the first time in years, I am going to take my time to write and not act in a rush, and then ask Yi.

this guy is really a keeper. I would like very much not to be in love with him in a way, because love can end but a real friendship won't. I will do my best.

A big hug,

Lili

1950's: "All the good ones are taken."

2000's: "All the good ones are taken or gay"

*big sigh*

Glad you're feeling better today anyway.