Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
Hi Trojan,
I'll admit my heart did sink a bit when you said it may be a symptom of depression, but I do see what you mean. I've been thinking about it and I do feel a sad yearning, for him specifically, all the time. Though I didn't when in China with other people, although I did wonder about him, I didn't yearn for him as I do now... again..
Well I suppose I just hoped that if he came across it, he would realise there's more to me, and that he can relate to me; that I'm worth making up with... but... realistically... as you say, if he didn't have strong enough feelings to contact me much when we were friends, then he's not going to now on the basis of words in a blog. You either love someone or you don't; no matter what they say or do. Someone can be an idiot and you love them; or a kind genius and you don't want to know... Argh. Why?? But I just feel like since we lost touch, I've become a more confident and enlightened person and I wish he'd see it (I behaved needily with him which is why it broke off..)
I asked, after your response, Is he just a symptom of depression? (or at least my underlying dissatisfaction with my life at the mo, despite not actually feeling depressed in a severe way as I once did)
23.3>52
Initially I thought this was saying don't be depressed by this depressing thought. Hold still and resist it But it's probably talking about how I'll be better off when I no longer have loving feelings for him, because having these feelings when he's treated me as nothing is continually undermining and devaluing me...
Hilary: You are connected with an individual, a group or an environment that isn’t good for you, and it is not wrong to have this connection stripped away. The situation is simple enough, however complex the emotions around it. Undergoing this ‘stripping away’ will leave you more centred and less vulnerable.
But because of the strong connection I initially felt towards him, it's not leaving me any time soon. (3.5 I guess)
I then asked, Is he aware of me in his withdrawal?
59.4>6I'm not exactly how this is answering the question. I guess it's reflecting our dissolution (though the connection is as strong as ever in my head) And that it happened so that in the long run, something else can happen... such as meeting someone else, or whatever else has happened as a result of our falling out. (It did spur my writing after all... and I learnt a lesson (I hope)).
Would you say that sounds right?
Just thinking that is all it is, symptomatic of my emotional vulnerability and depression makes me feel sad though. That love is a fairytale (or the kind that I seem to want anyway). And lonely to think this someone I felt very in tune with, means nothing. I hope I don't always compare the projection of him or the way he made me feel, with real life potential suitors...
Thanks.
Em
Its like you have thought ' well if I behaved better and was this better person like I am now he'd want to know me" but you can't shape yourself to this perfect person and if he was right for you none of that would have mattered anyway
...its like trying to feed yourself on fresh air when you need 3 meals a day. However don't try to throw your loving feelings in the bin, I feel that would only lower self esteem further. Your loving feelings are a precious part of you. Just because he couldn't honour them or respond to them no need for you to trash them too. Allow yourself some grieving. You can't just order your feelings to be gone...maybe for now you treat them like a wound you are tending gently
because if you are feeling sad all the time and trying to connect with him through the blog and getting no response from him, no connection at all, then the message you are sending yourself is one that perpetuates low self esteem and hopelessness etc feeding the old black dog, depression.
I never meant to imply your love for him was just a symptom of your vulnerability. I don't believe that at all, that would be to invalidate your deepest reality. How can your capacity to love be a symptom of anything. All I meant was sometimes the sneaky devil 'depression' sort of latches onto these situations...as a kind of 'add on'...like a virus/parasite if you like. So if you already have an underlying tendency to depression, and all the negative thoughts that go along with it, they can begin to cluster around your feelings of loss around him...even though actually the depression is a seperate entity to your real feelings for him.
48 and your blog. Some thoughts about your intent – “Carrying water to give to others can only reach a few; digging a well and letting them draw from it will benefit many. ‘Carrying water’ is contrived good, ‘digging a well’ is uncontrived good….” (Chih-hsu) Is he or isn’t he reading? Hard to say from this response. You’re bringing art into the world – perhaps that’s enough for the moment? Perhaps the larger good you serve in this will affect a positive change in quite unexpected directions.
21.2 “Biting through skin, destroying the nose, there is no blame.” The hex altogether talks about punishment for misdeeds. In this case, perhaps in retrospect a bit too much “punishment” for some transgression, but not a huge mistake. To continue carrying a grudge, demanding retribution, making the other jump through some flaming hoops to get back into your good graces, etc. is to carry things too far, however.
21.6 “Wearing a cangue, destroying the ears.” Obstinacy – on the part of you or the other – has led to humiliation. Very slow process of correcting the situation if it has truly come to this pass.
For what it’s worth, 21.2 yin-to-yang rules this reading in my estimation.
54 – I don’t buy the notion that this hex is a bad omen for a relationship. It’s problematic when a relationship is undertaken for the wrong reason—usually having to do with desire, impatience, greed, dominance. It cautions that participants should enter into the relationship on equal terms and with clear expectations. The maiden “draws out the allotted time” and, despite fears of being an old maid, finds a true partner; the princess marries beneath her station but finds happiness. One can also set expectations too high, as line 6 cautions…
H28.4 is the story of something which can hold as it is, but can't grow. The thing that is holding it together will not grow, or stand more pressure.Just another, I asked What have I not yet accepted about this relationship?
28.4 > 48
I have not accepted that any more pressure and it'll break and all fall into the well of experience?... well I did pressurize him and it did break so is it saying I haven't accepted this is how it is? :
Ginnie: They don't listen well. Interestingly, the top trigram is connected in the body to the ear, hearing and listening. When H48 has no moving lines, it's like you're talking to a deaf person. They just don't "get" what you're saying. Even if you tell them the same thing 50,000 times, they keep on doing things the same, old way.
............
Also, the well has to do with how we meet our human biological and social needs. In this context, H48 unchanging, the person knows or perceives very well what his or her own personal needs are -- and may bring them up again and again, harping on what they want.
Tiger: I do get H48 for a lot of intractable things...there was one particularly intractable client, a big worldwide company, that I could never make them change anything, not even things that would be in their best interest. I got H48 when asking about them.
Here are a few "intractable" H48 readings from the recent past.
Comments and advice on making Company A a client: H48 (they never signed, and are now part of an even larger company, still talking)
Describe X as a client, particularly as regards payment: H48 (they are what they are, a sole entrepreneur small company with cash flows problems. They won't change.)
How is it best to prepare for this trip (Dad's illness): H48 (he died a few days later)
I think C Anthony speaks to your situation well: "The 'ridgepole sags' when we become infected with doubt.
Meanwhile, in the main part of the reading, what you have or had is all you can have, without the situation falling apart (H28.4).
(1) the relationship has already reached its height, and (2) as a resource to you, this man is intractable.
H28.4 is the story of something which can hold as it is, but can't grow. The thing that is holding it together will not grow, or stand more pressure.
"A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life." Elizabeth Gilbert
- I feel that's what he's done to me.
I think our greatest learning curves come from those we have lost but where connection remains at a different level of reality and where we may yet again experience that meeting in the light of new awareness at some indefinite time, here, or after death
Hilary said this recently in a Reading Circle post, about H48.Been reading through the hex 48 links.
I think, because it's unchanging and the judgement talks about not reaching the well/the jug breaking, unless you get line 5 or 6, you are to assume that the well is not being used? That sounds the most probable considering no sign...
Hilary: "As for 48 unchanging... well, sometimes when a hexagram's unchanging, its nuclear hexagram becomes more of a presence, don't you think? Like the 54-experience at the heart of 11 unchanging, being swept off down river into all kinds of change you didn't ask for. 48 contains 38: there's a great big gap between the flowing water at the bottom of the well and the life that goes on at the top. Maybe 48 unchanging implies more strongly that this gulf is unbridgeable?"
How about the following interpretation:What kind of peaceful (hex 11) influence?
59.2 > 20
Rainer Maria Rilke, from "Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties"
"There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another. That it is work, day labor, day labor, God knows there is no other word for it. And look, added to this is the fact that young people are not prepared for such difficult loving; for convention has tried to make this most complicated and ultimate relationship into something easy and frivolous, has given it the appearance of everyone's being able to do it."
Tiger
Rainer Maria Rilke, from "Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties"
"There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another. That it is work, day labor, day labor, God knows there is no other word for it. And look, added to this is the fact that young people are not prepared for such difficult loving; for convention has tried to make this most complicated and ultimate relationship into something easy and frivolous, has given it the appearance of everyone's being able to do it."
Tiger
Thanks tiger I feel quite calm and objective about the whole thing now - i am a heron
Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).