People who don’t like me 15.0

[lucuma]

I’m having difficulties at work. I’m the newest and these people have been working together for 10 years. They’re friends to each other, have lunch together, etc. I just don’t seem to fit in. I tried being a good coworker -offering help, asking about their days, just being a nice person to be around, but to nothing.
They just reject me in a polite (and sometimes not so polite) way.
A few months back I was getting closer to a coworker, a woman around my age. We were sharing stories and had lunch together a few times. But they already have their ‘lunch dates’ set and the only way to be there was to join by myself. Then she started getting distant with no reason. In fact, I had reasons, as they knew I was going through some difficult family health situations, and she never asked how it was or any of that.

Anyway, last month one had a birthday, and they bought a present together, in which I was not included. When I asked one of the guys if I could join, he said they’ve already bought it and it was “expensive” and that they were kind of “sectarian”.

I know this all sounds like high school bull****, but it is really displeasing for me. I do have to keep this job, it’s a good job and I need it.
What should be my attitude in regards to my coworkers? 15 unchanging.
Being balanced? I thought I was already being that…Trying not to call attention on me, not talking too much, keeping a low profile? I wasn’t sharing a loooot of personal info anyways, just a little background when they asked.
They were nicer to me before. I know something happened but not sure of what since I didn’t do anything really. Should I talk to them about it? Should I ignore it?
Do you have actual advice on how to handle this based on 15 unchanging?
Thanks,
Lucuma

 

[Matali]

Hello,
I think your 15 advises you not to make much of this situation. You love your job and that's the important thing. They are a group of 10-year-old friends, this is the only reason for this attitude for you who are new. 15 does not say that they don't like you, simply they are not very supportive and you have nothing to reproach yourself in any case.
So 15 summons your integrity by keeping your balance without exaggerating this lack of proximity. As you know, life is change, things will probably evolve one day in one way or another. See your friends for the lunch

 

[rosada]

I'm seeing 15 as pointing out that we are all individuals so avoid thinking of your co-workers as a group, see them as distinct individuals. Like when you were not included in the group gift don't take it as The Group intentionally excluding you but rather that they are just a bunch of individuals and no one had taken on the responsibility for making sure everyone was included. And then specifically ask to be included. Say something like, "Oh well next time please know I'd be happy to contribute too." And also in the spirit of 15. Modesty balancing everything, think for a moment what the benefit was here - if only that you saved $ by not being asked!

I can see 15 as guiding you to just focus on your job and not to concern yourself with this soap opera.

Finally, perhaps 15 means you should choose just one person to cultivate. Perhaps ask the IC who that person should be.

 

[Trojina]

Having read your post a few times it does look a bit more than a case of just trying not to mind.

For example

Anyway, last month one had a birthday, and they bought a present together, in which I was not included. When I asked one of the guys if I could join, he said they’ve already bought it and it was “expensive” and that they were kind of “sectarian”.

That seems pretty off to me. Was he serious when he said they were 'sectarian'? If he was then that's a pretty crappy thing to say and very rejecting. What's he saying, they are a sect?? I looked up the word and that's what sectarian means.

I know this all sounds like high school bull****, but it is really displeasing for me. I do have to keep this job, it’s a good job and I need it.
What should be my attitude in regards to my coworkers? 15 unchanging.
Being balanced? I thought I was already being that…Trying not to call attention on me, not talking too much, keeping a low profile? I wasn’t sharing a loooot of personal info anyways, just a little background when they asked.
They were nicer to me before. I know something happened but not sure of what since I didn’t do anything really. Should I talk to them about it? Should I ignore it?
Do you have actual advice on how to handle this based on 15 unchanging?

I think 15uc asks you first and foremost to look at this situation totally pragmatically, to look at it in very mundane terms. Look at what is happening, write it down, assess it. You didn't get 16, the pair so this isn't about ideas about what's happening, it needs to be fact based. Now what that guy said to you is an actual fact, it's not what you are assuming/imagining you know the way we build things up in our heads...it's not that. He said it.

The Image

'In the centre of the earth there is a mountain. Humility.
The noble one reduces the many to increase the few,
She weighs things up to even out their distribution.'


So she isn't ignoring things as if they don't matter, nor is she making up stories about what is happening, what she is doing is being very practical and weighing things up and taking note and observing how things are working out.


You know that thing sometimes when you realize that person who is nasty to you is the same to everyone you don't feel so bad? That would be a 15 moment - you'd be looking at the objective reality.
I also wondered is there any mundane reason why they'd be distant from you like age for example. Doesn't sound like it but sometimes if there's a whole bunch at work in their mid twenties and you are 40 (for example) they can see you as a different species. I've seen this a few times- so it's like they aren't rejecting you they just want to be with their peers. I don't think that's the case here I was trying to give an example of what a very mundane reason for being excluded might be.

Actually the below is precisely the kind of mundane reason I was thinking of

I’m having difficulties at work. I’m the newest and these people have been working together for 10 years. They’re friends to each other, have lunch together, etc.

It could just be that, they all have known each other for so long and so it will take a while for you to slot in.

Anyway I don't know how you will do it but do try to look at this as practically as you can and deal with them very matter of factly too. If this went over the line into excluding you deliberately and saying things like that guy said a practical 15 approach could even include having an informal word with the HR person or whoever if it was bad enough.

 

[lucuma]

Thanks Matali, Rosada and Trojina. Yes you're right, it's probably a matter of time, and probably being down to earth and with a practical approach is the best way forward here.

@Trojina I think with "sectarian" he meant they're not really open people, like a very close selective group of sorts. To me it sounds immature and silly to behave like that at work, pretty unprofessional. Furthermore he wasn't exactly beligerant or inappropiate, just stupid, not necessary to involve the HR people yet.
But I'm writing everything down and have emails that show that I've behaved correctly regarding work ethics so I have proof in case I need to talk to the person in charge.

Thank you again for your contributions,

 

[lucuma]

Update:
After a few months, things have reached a certain point of balance with my coworkers.
There was the need to change offices due to remodeling and I found myself sharing space with some of them. Currently things went back to being cordial with the woman with whom I was sort of starting a friendship with.
So things have rearranged (15) and I'm just being myself (15), whether they like it or not, but they seem to get along well with it.