I haven't posted on here for a while as life has just taken over but I really need some advice... Tonight my eight year old son punched and kicked me because I took his iPad away as he had to do his homework so in response he turned to emotional bullying and said that no one loved him. When I laughed he got angry and went for me. I was shocked and I think he got shocked too and we both got very upset. I tried to explain to him that this is an awful behaviour copied from his father, whom I left when my son was a year old, due to emotional abuse and constant dramas. As a punishment my son is not allowed to use the iPad for a month. He was very sorry and apologised many times afterwards but his behaviour really shocked me. I tried to explain that he must not copy his dad's behaviour but he got really defensive and started defending his dad, protecting him almost, saying that no matter what he will always want to see him and that he was worried that I will try to stop him. I assured him that I would never do that, that I only want what's best for him, that I want him to live in stability and peace. Anyway, he fell asleep upset and I really don't know what to do? What is the best course of action here? Hex 2.1 to 24 really confused me. Hex 2 seems auspicious, talks about providing stability, consistency and grounding for him but what about the rest?? Please help! Thank you! Bea

I tried to explain to him that this is an awful behaviour copied from his father,

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I'm no expert but it doesn't seem to be a good idea to compare him to bad aspects of his father. That will be confusing for him because his father is someone he will identify with, his role model. Maybe it would be better not to bring his father into it just focus on his own behaviour now rather than connect it to his dad ? He's too young to need to know what went wrong between you and his dad and what his dad did to you and all that.

Re the reading I never take 2.1 lightly. It says that as things are beginning to appear so they will become more so in future the same way hoar frost becomes solid ice.

For this reason I think it might help if you and he got a little outside help. I mean someone for him to talk to like a child counsellor and they could help you too. I've heard child violence can be quite a problem. If he is kicking and punching you now then 2.1 suggests he will get worse. Therefore to stop this you can't go on dealing with it in the same way. You need some help, better suggestions for how to cope, for what to say. He's just a little boy but the answer of 2.1 makes me fear if you don't try to find new ways to help him he may get worse. I don't know but I'd hazard a guess a child psychologist would tell you not to compare him to his dad when he behaves badly. If he identifies with this man he's going to feel conflicted.

(butterfly your inbox is full.....writing here in the hope you see it)

Hi there...

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I think the hex is saying that it's going to be a reoccurring problem if you don't get help.

I completely agree with Trojina. Comparing a kid to his violent father would be mentally disturbing. Children need to be protected from the ugly problems of their parents. When my mother over-shared my dad's violence; it disturbed me for life and I was around 8 years old. In fact... it made my natural inherited temper worse. A psychologist will probably advise against it.

What is the best course of action with my son?

2.1 Cool down.
24. Return to normal.

rosada said:

What is the best course of action with my son?

2.1 Cool down.
24. Return to normal.

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LOL I like it, the idea that the coming ice means 'cool down', but unfortunately I don't agree with you because I think that would be the message of 24.1. 24.1 says this is no big deal. In 2.1 the frost turning to ice is inevitable if you go on as you are.

I agree with Trojina... 2.1 is serious. I'm not sure where you got a positive "cool off" from, Rosada? (Asking kindly! not in a hostile way) Is it from experience? I read 2.1 in terms of "cooling off" more in a way of "getting distant, first sign of trouble and coldness"-- which is pretty chilling for a reading about a conflict with a child.

I only have one experience with this line (to my recollection). I received it about a decade ago, asking what direction a friendship that had turned distant and well, chilly, would take. Eventually the friendship totally froze over. I never regained any closeness with her, and we are long out of touch, unlikely to ever be in touch again (which is fine). In this case, 2.1 was a warning about the first signs of distance, hostility, and lack of feeling. I didn't make any real effort to thaw things out, and the friendship died.

I agree with the previous commenters who mentioned that comparing the boy to his father is a bad idea. Don't do this, Veronica! I know it's hard, but... well, I think of Wilhelm's commentary on 43: "...if evil is branded, it thinks of weapons..." Obviously I don't think your son is evil, but if you compare him to his father, in his distress and anguish at being branded (and perhaps, in his mind, misunderstood), you could easily push him to embrace his status as a kind of countermeasure, a means of restoring some dignity and pride. "You think I'm bad, you think I'm just like him? Well just look! I'm worse!" Perhaps what I'm describing is too extreme...but combined with a line like 2.1, such comparisons and conflict are really worrisome.

I'm the offspring of separated parents who did not get along, and my father was quite menacing, never paid child support, made threats, I rarely saw him; but my mother never directly criticized him in front of me, and she was carefully only to compare me to him in positive terms, such as, "Wow! Beautiful painting! You must get that from [father's name]", or "Your hair is so curly today...those are [father's name] genes". And when I misbehaved, she never once compared me to him. Yikes! I think I would have been soooo hurt and alienated if she had done that, thinking back...

Have you considered trying to get counseling for your son? It has to be a good counselor, someone he likes, but if you can find that person it could be really helpful.

2.1 means what happened now is possibly just the beginning of much greater problems...but 24 suggests that recovery is possible, if you make an effort to correct and heal the issues now.

Best of luck!

Reading your story I've remembered all those times when I was punished by my mom - it felt really bad. And I knew my mom wasn't happy either. I was a good kid but sometimes it did happen - and I don't even remember what, only the feelings of coldness.

I think 2.1 asks you to accept his folly, and return the iPad (24) (in a week maybe (24 again ), a month is too harsh). He did apologize already.
I think withdrawing things is incorrect, almost withdrawing love ... like power based on fear.

2.1 Also can mean that this temporary coldness can grow further, dividing you.
Best answer I think is to teach him to be more receptive[tolerant] of outer circumstances and his feelings.
Yes you have taken the iPad away but you have given a valid reason - to do the homework.
He started the manipulation and then to prove his point, feeling powerless, he used aggression. - Explain this to him, and try to teach him that using aggression as an argument is improper and usually brings only bad things in the end, [no need to involve his father].

Say 'If you feel anger - wait 5 seconds and it will pass'. Be more receptive [when things are not going your way], firm as a mare.

Ashteroid has good points, too...I hadn't thought of 24 as "return the ipad" but he might be right.

I also think it might be helpful if you apologize as well. Not gratingly, but you can simply say, "What you did was very wrong, but I was also wrong to compare you to your dad. I'm sorry about that. I know you are two different people." Or something along those lines.

Hello all,

I wasn't meaning "cool down" as in, "Don't worry about this, it's no big deal" but "cool down" as in "Whoa, to go from not doing homework and taking away an ipad to hitting and screaming and name calling and fears of never seeing one's father ever again - wowza, we need to cool down here folks."

As to 2.1 being a warning that things are going from cold to freezing, I see that as meaning that if the situation is left as it is, people feeling cold about each other, it wont right itself on it's own - people will become more and more distant, freezing each other out, as what happened in Mulberry's situation. So I see the I Ching as saying at this crucial moment, "Cool down, don't inflame the situation with more harsh interaction - instead work on returning things back to normal." HOW to get things righted is of course the stickler. I think the lines of 24. Return give a very useful guide to forgiveness:

24.1 Return from a short distance. No need for remorse. Good fortune.
The first line represents how things are BEFORE we have gotten into the heart of the situation the hexagram is describing. So the first advice is that BEFORE we have gotten so far off track that we need to do something to RETURN, one should quickly banish any inappropriate ideas and then the lapse never even happened, no need for remorse, it's all good. Now in the situation we're discussing here obviously it's too late for that so on to line 2.

24.2 Quiet return. Good fortune.
Now Wilhelm says this line indicates self-mastery. Perhaps one sees their error and just silently vows never to do THAT again. He also mentions the line indicates it's helpful to be surrounded by good people - to have a support group. So in this instance it might mean several things. Perhaps the son needs some support in resisting the temptations of the ipad and so perhaps a discussion about rules and maybe coming up with a routine that will support his getting his homework done - like no ipad until homework is completed and a time limit on how long he can use it.

24.3
Repeated return. Danger. No blame.
Ah yes, the inevitable back-sliding. Whether we're talking about skipping homework or throwing temper tantrums, it's bound to happen so be prepared. As long as we keep resolving to do better eventually we'll do right.

24.4
Walking in the midst of others, one returns alone.
Could this be referring to the boys father? As in, even though the boy spends time with his dad, it is not inevitable that he will grow up to be like him. Wilhelm also points out that this line can refer to having a friend who assists the person to be true to his higher good. Maybe in this situation this could refer to a friend of the family who could talk things over with the boy.

24.5
Noblehearted return. No remorse.
This line points out the importance of sincerely admitting one's sins. This could be advice to frankly say, "I was wrong to bring your Dad into this." and also to make a point of telling him when he is exhibiting qualities that are like the good things in his father. I read that it takes 5 positive statements to undo the effects of 1 negative one. I don't know how scientific that is but I do think it's a good reminder that we ought not expect harsh words to just be forgotten and also that it takes more than just one "I'm sorry" to dissolve the fbad feelings.

24.6
The last line indicates how a situation is AFTER the main experience has passed, so in this case the negative line is warning what might happen if we miss the opportunity in line 5 to admit wrong doing.

jm2c,
Rosada

p.s. I think the attachment kids get to ipads and the resulting upset when denied access is a real problem. For myself when I'm engrossed in my computer and I'm called away it's like torture - like I'm being wakened from a deep sleep. I don't think the tantrums can all be blamed on Dad's genes or poor role modelling. Computers are like heroin and the withdrawal even worse. I hope you'll have a clear written plan in place for when you let him use his ipad again. 1. Homework and chores completed. 2. Only 1 hour per day. 3. No violent shows. 4. Any rule broken loses ipad for x number of days. You both then sign this. Meanwhile I suggest you let this ipad free month be a time when the two of you make a point of doing fun things together and bond in a good way. Also, how is he doing in school? Was he avoiding the homework because it was tedious or over his head? 8 is the age when it starts to show if a kid understands or has been getting by on his good looks. Kumon workbooks are excellent for covering the basics kids need to know. If he's having trouble with his reading or math getting the Kumon books will bring him up to speed very quickly. You can get them from Amazon (I am a former Kumon math tutor, in case you couldn't tell!)

Thank you rosada for an interesting idea about relating hex as an instruction, and for the detailed description of each line!

Thank you so much Mulberry for your very helpful advice. I know I should not have mentioned his father at all, it is just so difficult but your experience and your advice really helped and from now on I will try my best to only refer to his father in positive terms and reinforce what is good about him in my son. What is also really helpful is to know that it is still not too late to correct the situation if I make an effort. Thank you so much!

You are completely right Ashteroid, and I will do very much that. Your advice has been extremely helpful, I really have to be more careful in the future.

It must be really tough being a mother and a father. I think the reading says, after the punishment, return to being his mother. And never laugh at his emotional pain again. That's at least as bad as his behavior was. I agree with leaving speaking ill of his father out of the equation altogether. Let him speak, while as a mother, you just listen, carefully, so you can better understand him. After punishment (which I agree with), return to things as normal, you being his loving and tender mother. For the future likewise. Tough love is important when the dark element pops up, and you should stick to whatever (reasonable) punishment and restrictions you have made, but quickly return to being his mother. A boy needs that more than anything. To a young boy, his mother is literally earth itself. Her influence can not be overstated, and her indifference to his feelings will make his life cold and hostile.