1.3 and 36.1.4.6 restlessness and striving

[kestrelw1ngs]

I have made some progresses lately on several fronts but its uncovered a very deep underlying dissatisfaction with life in general.
Everything other people have or do spikes feelings of jealousy - making art, interacting with neighbors, having kids, activism, school, posting photos with eachother online. Being human, enjoying life's small moments.

Its partially poverty and having to defer dreams, being in debt, and settling into a new city but its more that my relationships remain shallow, unsatisfying or there's just something distant,"off" - never quite get to the point of trusting, bonding with people. Or committing to hobbies.
Nothing feels quite 'real' or like it will disappear in an instant, be stolen, fall apart.

I feel restless as if I am always responding to crises, or drawn to unhappiness, nothing is good enough, nor am I good enough. And just when things look up, something kicks me back down and I lack the stamina to persist against life's relentless ass-whooping.
I do have memory issues, a slew of mental health issues & ADHD...the political situation seems increasingly dire. But is that enough to cause such persistent misery?

This move was supposed to help but its made the situation feel more acute, actually. This city, despite how much it has to offered, is belabored by poverty, neglect from city officials and general misery from its industrial legacy. The job I took, doesn't pay enough & you get to see the worst effects on children. There are positive aspects but the negative ones feel so heavy. I don't like my house or body or friends or roommates or self or work or car or neighborhood. It feels like they all need improvement that costs too much energy.
I overestimated the strength of my imagination to stay inspired & motivated here. Am becoming cynical, dull.

Looking for some kind of guidance and no real idea which area to look for it in.

I asked Yi, why I feel this way about people?
1.3>10
Then I asked, Yi, what am I doing to have this effect on my life, why can't I be content, at peace?
36.1.4.6>56

Both of these hexagrams point towards "ceaseless striving" or restlessness. Its true I feel uninspired & struggling against everything without real gain. Perhaps this is just burnout.

Any advice based on these readings, what to do?

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

well i followed up by asking "any advice for me, Yi?"

45. Meeting​

Line 3:​

Meeting and sighing.
This lacks a beneficial purpose.
Leaving is without fault,
though somewhat inadequate.

Things don't really work out, and this is making each feel frustrated. It wouldn't be wrong to leave the situation, though that wouldn't be a satisfying option.

Line 6:​

Uttering sighs, snot and tears.
Without fault.

Expressing frustration and sadness. Nothing wrong with that.

Well. Its probably common, coming out of a serious crisis and misery, to realize one is generally, ordinarily discontent and dissatisfied with one's life.
I don't really know if leaving my situation again is so feasible. So much outer misery, my standards are too high for this world.
I think all that there is is to make art to express the feelings of disillusionment, then move forward from them. That's what the blues are for, eh.

 

[Liselle]

Oh my. Sorry things are such a mess.

45 to 33 leaves me wondering if all you can do is try to avoid being eaten. Things like: when you start getting upset, try to catch it early and think of something to do - anything - to get your mind off of it. Go for a walk, put on a podcast or a YouTube video just for noise if nothing else, to hear something other than your own thoughts. Anything like that.

Hilary mentions "one foot in front of the other" for 45.3. Maybe try to narrow the world down to the current 5 minutes, think of one thing quick and useful you could do no matter how small. For instance, the other day I was worried about tax day approaching. I have a simple return but it still always feels daunting. So I opened a new browser window and logged into the tax-filing website. That's all. (Join me in eye-rolling.) But I felt better. At least I know the login works! And I feel slightly more connected to the idea of doing it. Maybe tiny victories like that could build up for you?

I sort of agree with you about 45.6, if I understand what you're saying. How you feel is (somehow) not a mistake, it says. Maybe someday you'll know why.

 

[marybluesky]

I asked Yi, why I feel this way about people?
1.3>10

Do you sleep enough? The line shows someone who works and works and works but gets no rest and feels in danger. Besides, the first hexagram is "creative force" and the 10th, "treading". You are still new there, there's potential but you have just taken the steps.

Then I asked, Yi, what am I doing to have this effect on my life, why can't I be content, at peace?
36.1.4.6>56

A "darkening of light" which is "transitory. Everything you describe sounds like depression after a major change. Take your time, and if necessary, other measures so that you feel better.

 

[Maxta2000]

In 45.3.6 to 33, I think the key is in 33 retreating. To me this means letting go of winning this battle for now, let your army rest because you can't defeat your enemy today. Let go of your expectations of the world and your circumstances, let go of trying to achieve success at everything or fixing everything.
Just yesterday I watched this short video about Wu-Wei, and as a fellow striver there was something that jumped at me: What you resist, persists.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Do you sleep enough? The line shows someone who works and works and works but gets no rest and feels in danger. Besides, the first hexagram is "creative force" and the 10th, "treading". You are still new there, there's potential but you have just taken the steps.

That is eerily accurate. I don't feel quite established or at home enough to really relax. HAve been attending lots of volunteer events and connecting with activists, who tend to come through when you need help, and not really put time into hobbies or personal/romantic connections - it just doesn't feel safe to. I feel need for better financial situation and general support system.
And also staying up super late when i get a chance to talk to existing online friends. It does throw my mood/sleep schedule off.

A "darkening of light" which is "transitory. Everything you describe sounds like depression after a major change. Take your time, and if necessary, other measures so that you feel better.

<3 thank you. That is what's going on. I had to leave my home state but haven't really /bonded/ with this new place before dealing with crisis after crisis.

Its sort of like, if you just met a new romantic partner and suddenly are thrown into a situation where you lose everything, your best option is to move in with them, and their apartment has mold, and there's a fire downstairs, and then they lose their job...of course it won't feel like a normal relationship and you will both associate each other with the stress...

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Oh my. Sorry things are such a mess.

45 to 33 leaves me wondering if all you can do is try to avoid being eaten. Things like: when you start getting upset, try to catch it early and think of something to do

Yeah. That's the mode I've been in. I guess its just not the time to expect more. There is an unrealistic expectation to resolve the underlying discontent instead of living thru it.

Hilary mentions "one foot in front of the other" for 45.3. Maybe try to narrow the world down to the current 5 minutes, think of one thing quick and useful you could do no matter how small. For instance, the other day I was worried about tax day approaching. I have a simple return but it still always feels daunting. So I opened a new browser window and logged into the tax-filing website. That's all. (Join me in eye-rolling.) But I felt better. At least I know the login works! And I feel slightly more connected to the idea of doing it. Maybe tiny victories like that could build up for you?

yeah that's how I operate too, or minimize everything while focusing on the most urgent/important thing. Tomorrow is a job interview, so going to bed tonight and setting alarms is the "one foot" for now.

I sort of agree with you about 45.6, if I understand what you're saying. How you feel is (somehow) not a mistake, it says. Maybe someday you'll know why.

<3 yes i hope so.
mainly I am learning the strength of the human spirit of people living on the bottom rung of society, and gaining motivation to push for social change & justice...caring less about image and petty worries....but as they say for suffering, only God knows why.